Tuesday, December 27, 2011

January 12, 2011--ain't nobody else is gonna love you...


i had a second couples' therapy session in 3 days with the husband tonight. it was better than monday, no yelling this time, but...it's not feeling good.

as i sat beside him and watched him start crying at the thought that he is not enough for me right now, that i'm not attracted to him, i felt bad for him, i rubbed his back to try to comfort him, but...i could feel the distance in me as i looked at him. i thought, in that therapy room, as i stroked his back and explained to him that i still care and love him and want to be with him, too, i also thought, 'i don't even like you.'

he is a frightening person to me now. he is sharp edges and hardness and hurt and fear and shame. not love. not softness. not caring. i look at his face and i don't feel safety, i don't feel home.

even as i think on the one hand that i want to keep the marriage, at the same time that i'm emotionally leaving it, i'm starting to wonder, do i really want to hold on to this? i think i want to stay married to him because it would be easier in many ways. no divorce, no splitting of assets, no figuring out who gets to keep our precious dog...and i would always have someone to come home to if a new relationship i was pursuing fell apart. that feels so selfish to say...

but then, as i think about it today, why do i want to come home to this, exactly? to this person who is constantly criticizing, judging, second-guessing, analyzing, condescending, logic-izing, challenging, shaming? whom i don't feel anything in common with right now, other than history. painful history. i don't feel more alive with him. i feel bound and squashed and sat upon. dead.

tonight as i went to the 24-hour usps drop box to mail some packages (driving to the one farther away so that i had more time out of the house) i sang along to melissa etheridge's "i'm the only one" at the top of my lungs a few times. i imagined singing it to 10.0, staring into her gorgeous eyes as i powerfully belt out those words that are so, so true for me.

please, baby can't you see, my mind's a burnin' hell
i got razors a-rippin' and tearin' and strippin' my heart apart as well

...i'm the only one who'll walk across a fire for you
and i'm the only one who'll drown in my desire for you...

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