Wednesday, December 28, 2011

January 24, 2011--allowed...


okay, so a lot has happened today. first, i talked to 10.0 a lot today, got barely any work done, and it was wonderful. it started this morning when i went in to say hi, to see how her weekend was. she asked me if i had any "updates" and i told her i didn't have any that i could say with her office door open. she said "we can close it." so i did. i told her how firmly settled i am right now in my need to sleep with girls, and how now that i know that, what do i do? something about me saying that to her shifted something between us, and she was the most open with me that she's ever been. she told me about this hot cuban woman, A., an ex of hers who came into her bar on Saturday and messed her up. she told me about how sex with A. was incredible and how they were passionate and always had to be touching each other and she couldn't get enough of her. and that A. was also crazy (really) so it couldn't work. but they "dated" i.e. fucked, for 1.5 years, and 10.0 was always chasing after her, trying to keep A. with her, because she wanted her, needed her. and when 10.0 saw her, it all came back and she wanted her again. and we talked about how A. flirted with her, and how 10.0 wanted her badly, but held it together and told her girlfriend everything to keep herself from doing something she shouldn't. and i thought, "she is my hot cuban ex who I can't get enuf of and would chase after in a heart beat, and forever."

we then ended up talking about how 10.0's girlfriend, let's call her Sad Sack (ss for short), is willing to do pretty much anything to keep 10.0 happy and in the relationship, so she'll "try anything" in bed and would probably even let 10.0 stray a bit if that's what she needed to stay in the relationship. i asked her if that's a good thing, that ss is so accommodating. and 10.0 said yes. that she needs the stability, and wants it, and that's what keeps her with ss. huh. that sounds familiar, right? i know exactly what she means. but this also made me really sad to hear, b/c, if she needs that stability, will she ever be willing to to step outside the lines and be with me? at all? even a little? hmm.

so then i pretended to work and sat through some training and did a smidgen of work, and then i fb chatted her to ask if she'd seen a video i'd posted. she responded that she'd just posted a link to this article on fb and wasn't sure if she should have. so then i read it, and she's chatting how sad she is about it, so i go find her, and give her a hug. i didn't even think about it, i just did it. and i sat by the copier as she made some copies and we talked about how sad the story is, and we talked about whether she should leave it up or not. she eventually took it down, but in the course of this, recommended an Indian movie about lesbian lovers to me, and told me that "i really should watch it, it's beautiful." i will.

near the end of the day, i went back in to talk some more (are you sensing a theme?) and noticed her shiny new watch. she told me that ss gave it to her, because she needs an analog watch for the lsats, and asked me what i thought of it. i said it was nice, but too big, and as she looked at it on her wrist she said, "it's armani. actually, hold on..." and started typing stg in on her computer. "what are you doing?" "i've been--i want to find how much this is, cuz maybe i won't wear it..." she finds a picture that's close, i ask to get a better look at it, leaning across her desk, taking her wrist. it gave me an excuse to touch her. turns out, the watch retails for $245. maybe that's why she stays with ss. :/

i talked with two of my coworkers today about her. they know everything, pretty much, and were really great to talk to about it all. they both said they're jealous of how excited I am and both think it's inevitable that i'll tell her eventually that i want her, because it's so hard for me, once i know the truth-- my truth, at least-- not to say it aloud. they also both think it's pretty clear that i very much like her, and also that she...something's me, too. we talked about how hard it is for me right now, as i communicate with her in vagueries, and talk around the fact that i'm in love with her, and how annoying it is that i can't stay away from her and can't get enough of her. i talk with about wanting to experiment with "women" and how i'm really into "women" right now, but it's not women. it's her. only her. we wondered today if she thinks I talk to her so much b/c of her role in the lgbtq community, as a leader, or if she gets it that I'm falling in love with her. so hard to say.

then there was more.

hubby and i had a mini-couples' session tonight, on our own, and we tackled figuring out what it means that i want to sleep with women. we established that as of now, i am allowed to kiss women. no further. i agreed to this boundary, suggested it myself, actually, and i feel good about it. and excited about it.

i then immediately came online to tell her. and we flirted. she called me hilarious. told me that she "wanted" me to be inappropriate (i had warned her that i was buzzed on wine, so to please pardon me if i said anything inappropriate). she then joked about how frightful she was looking, and described her outfit to me. i said it sounded "hawt". i asked if she was wearing this ridiculous pinnochio hat that i teased her about today (yes, i'm at the point of teasing the girl i like, like the little boy who pulls pigtails by the swings), she was, and i expressed my glee. she told me she was planning to go have a steak dinner by herself, and would enjoy seeing how sad she made the waiters, sitting there by herself. she then texted me when she'd ordered, told me what she ordered, i responded in kind, and she didn't reply. i'm noticing this is a pattern... she is sooooooo my cuban crazy (hopefully-never-ex-but-please-god-let-her-be-my-future) lover.

and i will chase her.

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