Tuesday, December 27, 2011

January 8, 2011--bar...

so i went to 10.0's bar....and it was good.

and also hard. really hard not to tell her. i think i kinda sorta started to, actually...

let me say again-- she. is. beautiful. have i mentioned that?

the short version is that she paid a lot of attention to us, talked specifically to me alot, told me about her relationship, how they're so different, how she considered breaking it off a few months ago (but i don't know why, since i didn't want to seem too interested in the potential demise of her relationship, though i clearly am the most interested in that), but that now she's feeling renewed about her again, how there are always women, sometimes straight women, trying to sleep with her/make out with her, etc. at the bar, and how mostly she rebuffs them, but sometimes she doesn't (i'm not sure if she's let anything happen since she's with someone...my friend thinks that maybe she has...), and i began to hint at the fact that I'm not so happy in my marriage because..."well, i don't think he can be everything i need..." "is there someone else?" she asks. "well...maybe...there could be..." i say, and stare into her eyes, willing her to understand. "huh...well, maybe this isn't the place to talk about this..." and we move on. it took everything in me not to tell her--what? i don't know. that i want her, love her, need her, think she's incredible, everything.

the bar felt like home to me, due to the many days and nights i've spent in a bar much like hers, and i never wanted to leave. i just wanted to watch her. one of my friends said it's clear that i'm in to her if you watch me watch her. oops. i'm not sure i mind, though. i am in to her. what can i say? she had on this skimpy tank top and her breasts looked incredible and it was soooooooooooo hard not to blurt out how much i want her. i really do....

...another friend remarked when we talked earlier that perhaps this isn't a bi or lesbian or straight thing, but that perhaps it's a person thing, which feels really right. it's her. there's a charge, there always has been, and she is what i want. not women. her. and tonight i learned even more about her, and about how much we are similar...i learned that she's seen my pink hair (facebook stalking, perhaps? i know it well...) and she liked it. that she throws costume parties and really wants me to be at the next one, "because I'm fun." that she drinks Jameson, and stays away from tequila because it makes her too drunk, that she works Tues. and Friday at the bar, that she's awkward and graceful and funny and soulful and lovely...

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