Wednesday, December 28, 2011

January 30, 2011--blergh.

so, i really need to do some work, but am feeling really distracted and keep just staring at my fb tab waiting for the little square by her picture to turn green (meaning she's at her pc) so that i can then start obsessively waiting for her to respond to my oh-so-breezy fb chat message, sent 40 min. ago, which said something corny like "Hi, friend-o". *sigh*

but i have every right to be distracted because on friday things were really nice and flirty between us. i hadn't seen her since monday, and we didn't talk much on friday either, but at the end of the day, completely without any real reason or provocation, she came into my office and gave me a hug good bye. !!!! i know. then i mentioned that one of my co-workers and i, s., were probably going to stop by her bar later, after going to a talk. she acted all squirmy and shy and said that we really shouldn't come because she'd be waitressing and it's not as much fun to visit then, and she has to wear this skimpy tank top and it's so embarassing and bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. then, 30 minutes later, she texts "you can come, i won't die." meaning that she'd been thinking about it/me for the past 30 minutes and wanted us to come. this interaction made me soooooooooooooo happy and excited, i think i actually did some skipping as i went to tell s. the exciting news. absurd.

so, skip ahead several hours, and s. and i are at the bar. we end up sitting with some really funny regulars, who 10.0 knows pretty well, which means that has double the reason to stop by our table. some of the night is a blur, but things that felt very important to me were that 1)she whispered in my ear about what an "awesome" night it was so far because some lesbian with a crush on her was flirting with her like crazy 2) we hugged a little too long at one point in the night 3) near the end of the night, as i try to tear myself away to try to get home that night, she tells me that her girlfriend (ss) was threatening to break up with her, i don't remember why. and i feel like something happened that probably made it clear to her that i wanted her, but i don't remember what that thing was. i was pretty drunk, but happily nicely so, by the end of the evening. i then texted her after we left and i realized that i was not gonna make a train home and was going to crash in bk that she should let me know if she wanted to do brunch the next day.

that was late friday night. it is now late sunday. i have not heard from her. at. all. the little square is now green on her fb picture. i have sent 3 little messages to her. she has not responded. i am devastated. and subsequently also feel like an idiot. i also kind of want to cry and yell and scream. becasue i'm being such an idiot. there is nothing concrete or real that has happened that should make me think she thinks about me as much as i think about her, that she misses talking to me, wants to see me, interact with me, etc. nothing, really. she has a very busy, very full life going on that i am at best on the outskirts of, and at worst a fringe participant/observer in. why am i expecting more??? i'm a fool.

and so now, i'm wondering how to act with her tomorrow. should i go pop my head in in the morning to have our usual "catch-up"? should i act all breezy and ask her how she's doin' and how was her weekend and act like everything's fine?

or should i stop acting like a lap dog desperately panting at her feet, waiting for her to grace me with her gaze? should i stay in my fucking office and leave her the fuck alone???

that's probably what i should do.

that's gonna be hard to do.

what do i do?????

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