Tuesday, December 27, 2011

January 9, 2011--distraction...

today has been brutal.

i tried so hard to work. i sat at this laptop for most of the day. i didn't go visit my friend and her babies and sat here and sat here. and all i can do is think about her. all i can do. i've looked at every facebook picture with her precious face in it, thought about all the things i think are so fantastic about her, cuddled the bear she gave me, read in this amazing book i started reading (the straight girls guide to sleeping with chicks, by jen sincero) about how important kissing is in lesbian sex, learned about fingering, and started learning some techniques for "eating good pussy," and was completely turned on by it all. this is significant, as i have never before been interested in going down on a girl, much less reading up on the subject in case i ever got the chance. holy hell, i've completely fallen for her.

and that's what's so scary, is that it's her i want. i'm trying to tease out what will happen if i ever find out for sure that, if/when she knows how much i want her and tells me she's not interested, if i'd still want to sleep with other women. i really don't know. all that's in my sights is 10.0. all i know is that i want to kiss her lips, caress her breasts, finger her vagina, suck on her clit. and i really want to. i'm not messin' around. and i really want her to do those things to me. so bad.

today we had our requisite facebook exchange, this one passively initiated by her yesterday, then actively continued by me today. it turns out that around noon yesterday, she found my youtube channel, watched and 'liked' one of the videos i have up of me singing, and subscribed to my channel. so, she didn't hide at all the fact that she had looked, and liked what she saw. i realized this late last night and could barely get to sleep after realizing it. so, this morning, i messaged her this:

omg, you found my youtube. *blushes furiously and hides face in hands*

she pretty quickly responded that she thought my voice was "incredible...beautiful" and that "we should sing together :) " i said thanks, said she was "sweet," told her i liked a video she'd posted earlier that day, and asked if she was doing the no pants subway ride later today, which we'd talked about friday. she then responds with a pretty long message giving me details of a project she's working on that combines clips of lgbtq people talking about missed moments with their family's because of prejudice and lack of acceptance. i then said this, among other things:

..the project seems awesome, let me know (when you start working on it again) if I can help with it in any way, I've been feeling a bit of a fire alighting in me recently, and I want to get more involved with LGBTQ stuff, so I'd love to help out.

i added the bold to make a point. the point being i pretty much told her that i'm gay for her. or for somebody, anyway. right? does it seem like that's what i'm saying? i mean, clearly that's what i really am saying, but i don't so much want her to know that as i want her to wonder about it. but then, in her response she didn't mention that part of my message at all, and instead mentioned that she was about to go see her girlfriend. boo. i get the message, 10.0, you're girlfriend exists, you're still committed to her, and why don't i stop scamming on you? well, i really can't. because your gorgeous and wonderful and make me feel, well, on fire. what's a girl to do??

the only real problem here, aside from her having a girlfriend, is that i really don't have time to be so distracted. i mean, i've got alot of work to do that i barely touched today. this is not gonna work, me not doing my work! i either need to somehow get over her, or get laid by her. either way, something's gotta give. and soon.

1 comment:

  1. Aw, this is sweet. I mean the exploring your sexuality and figuring out what you want.

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