Wednesday, December 28, 2011

January 22, 2011--love

(Note from the future!  I think this is when things really started shifting in me. This day is when I really started to realize I had to DO SOMETHING.)

so, i have a lot to say, need to put a lot of thoughts on "paper" but i'm gonna start with what happened last night.

last night, i had sex with my husband. it was alright, because i'm realizing with every page i read (most recently in the whole lesbian sex book by felice newman) about lesbianism and sex with women more and more about what turns me on, and what i, and many women, like/need to be fucked well. so, i took care of myself, for the most part, it made hubby happy, and...i was thinking about her the whole time.

as we had sex, i was painfully aware of the roughness of his hands, the roughness of his face where stubble was growing in, the angular sharpness of his body, his...dick. ugh. i'm just so not interested in dick right now. it's kind of amazing how much i do not want a dick anywhere near me. i feel so bad for my husband. i feel so bad for him, for us both, that he is not her.

then, afterwards, as he's cleaning himself off in the bathroom, i found myself thinking this: "i wish i had just had amazing sex with her. i wish that her hands were just caressing me, i wish that i had the taste of her in my mouth, i wish that i was cradling her breasts in my hands, pulling her hair, kissing her beautiful lips. i wish that i was with her right now." then i thought of something she said to me yesterday when we had lunch together (exciting, but we were also with J., the other out lesbian in the office. the two of them are good friends, and sat on the same side of the table, and 10.0 leaned her head on J's shoulder and i was very jealous). anyway, we were talking about 10's girlfriend, and how she wasn't intending to date her, because her girlfriend was not yet 'out' when they met, but then 10 said that "once she gets to know people, she loves them." when she said it then, and when i replayed that moment in my mind after sex with hubby, i wanted to cry. but last night, the tears came, fast and hot and bitter. they surprised me. they made me sad.

why was i crying? i was crying because i'm falling in love with her. i'm getting to know her and i'm falling in love with her. and i ache for her, and i want her to know me and love me. and the weight of that is so heavy. i'm married. she's partnered. she loves her. i love her. he loves me. horrible.

it takes everything in me not to tell her that i'm falling in love with her. everything in me not to constantly reach out to her and connect with her in any way i can. everything in me not to seem too excited to see her, too interested in what she's doing, saying, thinking. everything in me not to tell her 20 times a day how beautiful she is.

this is such a mess. i don't know what to do...

1 comment:

  1. You are really good at writing about sex, you should write erotica - I'm not being funny, you really should :)