Tuesday, December 27, 2011

January 2, 2011-open...

i just got out of bed with my husband, who, yes, i am still married to, despite my last post in October, because i have something really big and exciting and confusing and messy and dramatic floating around in my head, and i can't sleep until i get it out.

i think i want my marriage to be an open one.

yeah. open.

i'm realizing that this idea has been clawing at me since i was semi-cheating on my then fiance several years ago with two other men. i really think that at that time, i was viewing it as being an open relationship, it's just that my fiance hadn't signed on for that with me, so it was wrong. but ever since then, i haven't felt as fulfilled as i once did with my husband, and have always felt that something big and vital and important was missing.

then, as i flew home to visit my parents for christmas this year, i happened to sit next to this really interesting and attractive guy who made me feel excited about people and the world and life. and the excitement wasn't just sexual--in fact it wasn't even 25% sexual. he just reminded me, as he talked about his experiences and his work, and asked me questions about myself and my work, that there are amazing, interesting people in the world, some of them with piercing, beautiful blue eyes, who i don't know yet, but would like to. we exchanged cards, and are now facebook friends, and i'm wondering how i can manage to see him again. alone. i was just lying in bed next to my husband and dog wondering what kind of lover he is. i kind of want to find out. could that ever be ok?? why isn't it ok???

i'm also painfully attracted to the female, lesbian office manager at my job. she's mysterious and beautiful and i want to know everything about her, including what it's like to love her and be loved by her, both emotionally and physically. she has a girlfriend, but there's an energy between us that i don't think is all in my head. but could i ever explore the charge between us? could i ever tell her how amazing i think she is? if not, is that right? if not, isn't that wrong? and sad?

i've been reading alot about acceptance and ending suffering and embracing groundlessness and the fact that nothing is permanent, and i think that exploration has led me here. which is surprising and unexpected. but exciting. i'm feeling freer. but also stifled. i'm feeling like i'm trying to sprint forward, see new things, fling my arms wide, explore, explore, explore, but...my husband is chained around my waist, digging in his heels, looking at me with painfully innocent eyes, wondering why everything's not just fine the way it is...

i want to be able to be intimate with people other than him. i wish that he was enough for me. i want my world to be expanded and blown wide open by people who have seen more and gone farther and seen and experienced drastically different lives from my own. I want to grow, and I want other people to be able to help me to do that. I want to help other people to grow and expand, too. I think I have things to offer, but I feel that my husband doesn't want them, or doesn't need them, or...somehow, someway, is not open to what i want to give. I want my husband to be able to expand my world like that. but he seems so...still. and slow. stagnant. i don't want to be those things. i feel like i'm being held back, a bit caged in, even. i want to be free. i want us both to be free to not feel confined, pinned-in, impinged upon. i do love him.

No comments:

Post a Comment