Friday, December 30, 2011

February 20, 2011--Birthday

Such a hard night.

I went to her birthday party. Alone. This was a mistake.

I got there at midnight. I only stayed 3 hours. I shouldn't have stayed that long.

Her friend J (different than "straight girl" j), who I know is powerful in her life, asked me point blank if I was gay. I answered honestly, or tried to. She cut me off, saying something like ' ok, ok, whatever' in response to me trying to explain that I was ' questioning.' In response to her apparent disinterest, fueled by my sense both last night and this that she DOES NOT LIKE ME, I said ' oh,ok you don't care.' She says ' no, i didn't say that.' And then there are a few awkward silent moments.

Later, i tell 10.0 that power friend j doesn't think i'm gay. her response, as far as I can tell (the club was very loud) is 'well...' And a shrug. And...begin my misery.

All night, i felt like an interloper. Though her roommate was nice enough to me, as were power friend's sister and straight male friend, i was still left behind on the dance floor and closed out of circles of talking and laughing. It was very clear, especially to someone cursed with sensitivity to this, that I was outside. I felt so foolish.

(and yet, i feel it's important to note that she was almost as aware of me every moment as I was of her..when I found her, and watched her, she very quickly looked my way, our eyes would lock, and I'd smile wistfully. She knew I was watching her. She knew. She also noticed immediately when my mood changed, after my exchange with power friend, and tried to get me to dance with her. Which I did, but was then quickly overshadowed by hired dancers and hotter, more decidedly gay women, whom 10.0 would quickly turn away from me in favor of. )

Add to this that I saw her with ss. She was there. Not the whole time..but long enough for it to hurt. To add insult to injury, when it was just 10.0 alone, there were a few times when we were dancing together, and she would not touch me. Everyone else, EVERYONE else, she's groping and grinding and touching. Not me. Not one bit. At one point, I asked her to come sit next to me so I could ask her about the night before, and we did the touching legs thing again. For awhile. During this, i asked her 'so, what if i'm just into one girl? What if that's the way i'm not straight?' She told me that was how it was for her too at first...i looked into her eyes, and I felt that she understood. Understands. That it's her.

Not much later, i think after one more exclusion by ' the group', I left. I hugged her (precious moment) and said happy birthday, and she looked straight into my eyes and thanked me for coming. I could feel an apology in the goodbye, and I also felt the end.

As I left and made my way slowly home, i could feel tears coming, and I angrily tried to hold them back. I actually said out loud, as I slowly, mournfully walked the windy quiet street, 'stop it!' It didn't work.

I wept. It feels over. I feel heartbroken.

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