Friday, December 30, 2011

February 11, 2011--blergh

it's been such a weird week.

so i feel like it's inevitable that i'll need my own (physical) space from hubby at some point and will need (both kinds of) space to both have some lesbian sex and to figure out what i want my life to look like right now. do i want to be with hubby at all? do i want an open relationship that allows me to have some girl love on the side? do i even like girl love? is it okay if/do i want to be with a girl who's not 10.0? do i want an open relationship that allows me to sleep with other men on the side? do i want to be separated and completely cut ties with hubby for awhile? do i want to still be with him but also "have my own place" in brooklyn? (that last one is so weird. why would he ever go for that!? ugh.)

so, yeah. i'm still looking at sublet listings, but haven't actually reached out to any after the initial 2, which I never heard back from. i've also been so tired and beleaguered at work that i haven't got much energy for any of this "figure out my life" shit this week. i have not, however, been beleaguered enough not to miss 10.0 like crazy. i mean, i've seen her, we're both at work every day, after all, but we haven't really interacted much because i have a shitload of work to do, as does she, and i've been feeling really paranoid about always being the one going to her office, calling her office phone, initiating chatting, etc. i mean, what the fuck? i need a chill pill. also i'm hyper aware that she's leading up to one of the most pressure-filled days of her life tomorrow, and am trying to respect that and leave her be. but then i don't see her pretty, confusing face and i'm in an even worse mood. then there's hubby asking me questions like "are we ever gonna have sex again?" as i'm feeling near death and dragging myself off the bed to make myself take a shower, because it is a very difficult choice between bed and shower. very. difficult.

so. i'm just as anxious about tomorrow being lsat day as 10.0 is, i think, b/c that means that after tomorrow, she'll be back. like, present. like, fun again, available again, freed up to waste work hours talking to me again. i hope. so, i had the thought wednesday night to get her a little stuffed animal and a good luck card to give her today. i composed a nice little message, telling her that even though i haven't known her long, it's easy to see that she's "amazing and cool and fun and awesome" and that she'll be all of those things every day forever, even if she bombs the test, which she won't. so i wrote the card, and drew a terrible picture of the lsat getting whipped into submission, and signed with a smiley face.

when i gave it to her this morning, i felt awkward and embarrassed and started to get hot and flushed and had to flee. ugh. later, once she'd read the card, she emailed me "thanks for the card, i'll try to remember your advice tomorrow :) Happy we're friends :) " Okay....nice, i guess. and then i didn't really see her anymore, though i did pass her office once and see that j (other office lesbian) was in her office watching videos with her or something. and then i felt jealous and left out. then, at the end of the day, i had my door propped open and was trying to just wait and praying that she would come say goodbye. but then i couldn't stand it anymore because i heard one of the other interns talking with her about the weekend, so i pretended i needed to shred something and used it as an excuse to join their conversation. as i sidled up, 10.0 was inviting my co-worker to hang out on Sunday when 10.0 does a "photo shoot around Brooklyn" to celebrate being done with the lsat. i found myself looking at 10.0 forelornly, slightly pouty, and she looked at me and kind of mumbled "well, you could come too....." like it was obvious. but it's not obvious, not is it possible because i DO NOT LIVE IN BROOKLYN. (sidebar: after this interchange i felt a literal pain in my stomach thinking about how much i may be missing out on by not living in brooklyn, where 10.0 and so much possibility literally made my stomach hurt.)

anyway, so my co-worker politely excuses herself, leaving me awkwardly standing at the door to 10.0's office while she gathers her things. she tells me that she's bartending on saturday night after the test (stomach aches again) and i awkwardly wave good bye to her and call "good luck!" as she breezes away.

and that was it. horrible. and i'm pretty sure she's avoiding me or trying to distance herself for me or something. nothing in particular has happened to prove that, but...i just feel like it's true. all the more reason for me to direct my attention elsewhere. because who am i kidding? to quote one of my favorite movies, she's "never gonna leave her."

1 comment:

  1. Wow, this helps me understand all that you were considering at that time. I think this is when everything started to feel very fast to me and I felt like I missed something.