Tuesday, January 3, 2012

February 28, 2011--Confused

Woke up feeling so confused. spent the weekend with hubby, enjoying the comfort of the familiar, and it's so nice to be around someone who loves you, but I don't want to have sex with him, don't want him touching me, it feels annoying more than anything else, and to make things worse, I dreamed about her all night. And not even a sex dream! We were at a party at her parents house, and spent the whole party in a slow dance of flirting and looking and touching in ways that could be perceived as innocent but were highly sexual. And ss was at the party, completely unaware that her girlfriend was in a sexually charged dance with me for hours under her nose. At the end of the dream, 10 says something to me like ' couldn't you be dating your husband AND someone else? Like me? Or maybe just me?' I nod at her and smile, we both look longingly into each others eyes, I reach out my hand with my pinky extended, she hooks her pinky in mine, I feel extremely happy and lucky, and then I wake up.
The fact that i'm still dreaming about her like this is not helpful in the least. Because I've been thinking about it, and she was so flirty with me before, so responsive, and now seems to be pretty much ignoring me, rebuffing me, giving me the cold shoulder. In various ways. She ignored various texts, fb comments, etc. she completely ignored an email I sent to a select few fb friends asking for help with my move. We've both been on fb at the same time many times in the past few weeks and she no longer ever initiates talking to me. So, why?
I figure she either realizes i'm in love with her and is creeped out by it, realizes i'm in love with her and is excited about it but trying to keep from doing anything inappropriate, has no clue that i'm in love with her and is really busy and has no time for flirty friendship with me right now, knows i'm in love with her and is fine with it but has no time to flirt with me right now, or...i don't know what else.
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edit: it seems like maybe it's one of the last 2. i happened to talk to her earlier today, though after writing the first part of this post, and she actually seemed happy to see me. she said, without me saying anything, that she'd seen my text to her and my fb chat to her, but just didn't have time to respond, b/c she's churning out the last of her applications. she said that after this, she'll be back to being a normal person and we can catch up. without me even saying anything, she said this. it felt really great. and we chatted a little on fb today. vaginas were mentioned, in reference to lady gaga's "born this way" video. and then i didn't see her much. sad. but at some point today i got the sense that maybe we make each other nervous, as opposed to me just losing all my shit completely when she's around. though, maybe i make her nervous because i'm in love with her and probably awful at hiding it.

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

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