Monday, January 2, 2012

February 20, 2011--hard day...

(Picking up where we left off...)

today has been so hard.

i've felt like i've been in mourning all day. mourning so many things. the life i thought i was going to have with hubby. my house with him, that i worked so hard to make into a nice home. my precious dog who can't be with me. the comfort and safety of my life a few weeks ago, despite the accompanying bed. i miss my bed. our bed.

i called him this morning to find out when it would be okay for me to come over (mostly to visit the dog). he told me that it was not okay for me to come over, actually. though he had agreed to this plan before i left on friday, apparently, the shock of me actually leaving has changed things. he said that this entire situation feels unfair and selfish of me. that i seem to want to be able to "run off whenever i want" and leave him holding all of the responsibility. that he doesn't see how me moving out can equate to me wanting to work on our relationship. that if i wanted to work on the relationship, i'd be there with him, and would have talked about my wanting to move out before actually making it happen. (note that it's now being talked about like i have Moved Out, though i thought that i was just Staying in My Apartment for a few days. not what i had had in mind, at least not yet.)

i told him that it was upsetting to me that he continues to think that i'm not working on the relationship by doing this. that all i was doing for the first 7+ years of our relationship, at least, was working on the relationship, trying to change each of us in whatever ways i could think of so that we can fit enough to be happy. i admitted that i have not been trying to do that for the past year. but that's all he's counting. on thursday night, before i left, he told me that he wants me to convince him that we should be together, if i decide that i want to stay in the relationship. i couldn't keep the laugh from escaping. i mean, is he kidding?? he said, "i want you to initiate spending time with me." well, i want that too, genius, but the fact that i don't want to is the PROBLEM!!!! somehow, he has still managed to not understand the situation. he even read all of the blog posts that i gave him. he still doesn't get it. though, apparently, the excerpt i gave him ended with a post about my fantasy of living happily ever after with 10.0. probably shouldn't have included that....oops. but at the same time, i wanted him to know where i am, which is, in love with her. so he knows that now. but i'm sure that's contributing to his newly fueled anger at me.

hell, i'm angry at me too.

i'm also angry at her. add to the list of things i'm mourning: the romance i will not have with her. i swear it actually makes me nauseous when i think about this. it makes me want to yell and scream and tell her the truth and sleep for a week. i'm mad at her for being so confusing, for seeming to like me but so very carefully keeping her boundaries. and then breaking them...i'm mad at her for wanting to hold on to the stability of ss. i'm mad at her for not giving me a clear sign that it would be okay if asked her one of these nights if i could kiss her. i'm mad at her for making me wish that i could spend every weekend lazing about with her in bed. even if we did nothing at all...i'm mad at her for not wanting me, too.

this has been one of the hardest days of my life. i hope it gets better.

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