Monday, January 2, 2012

February 24, 2011--quickie

This is gonna be a quick post, but i need to get down a few things.

first, monday was indeed a much better day. i went over to our house, we talked alot, i cried alot, we had couples therapy, a lot of anger spilled out of me, hubby seemed to wake up a bit about the fact that i'm trying to help us by moving out, and we left the session with homework from our therapist to talk together about what our dream "night out" would be. this assignment was borne out of the therapist wondering if a lot of what's going on with us is actually about feeling stuck and unhappy in our current town, which makes it very difficult to have a youthful, active social life. he wondered if i moved closer to the city TO BE CLOSER TO THE CITY. also for space and to have freedom to stay out late, but also to be closer. something that i think i felt i was never going to get to doing with hubby. all of this rings true, though i think it was largely unconscious. admittedly, a lot of my desire to move was just to have room to breathe, and the staying out late part has been a bust so far, as we all know. add to that that my stress and fatigue are catching up with me and i'm in the process of being stricken down by the flu, and i don't foresee much city clubbing in my immediate future.

anyway, so we resolved to continue to work on us and talk and have some distance, but not be feeling like i deserve punishment or suffering, which is what it was feeling like. so hubby came over tonight, we had dinner, he actually helped me move some furniture in from my car...it was nice. exactly, i think, what having space is allowing for.

but then....there's still 10.0. i'm trying to keep my distance from her, doing pretty well, in that i'm reaching out to her much less, but i can't deny it. i'm still in love with her. i feel like i can't just undo that. i still want to be around her and think about her all the time and pine for her and miss her. and she's still seductive and inconsistent, and has a girlfriend. so i don't really know where that leaves me...wherever it is, it doesn't feel good. though i'm making my peace with the fact that i will never have her, that i am one of probably hundreds of people who wish that they could be with her, be loved by her, though i'm accepting that i probably will not be one of the lucky few who she loves deeply and knows intimately, i still ache for that, even as i miss the comfort of my husband and my home with him, and feel hopeful that maybe, somehow, we'll figure out something that works for us. i worry that he thinks i'm over her. i told him that i'm trying to be, but i don't think either of us realizes how hard that is...

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