Friday, December 30, 2011

February 7, 2011--ramblings...

we had couples therapy tonight.

i'm again at the point of thinking it's inevitable that we'll end up at least separating for a while, if not divorcing. our couples therapist again mentioned our need to really talk about why we're staying together. good question, therapist! why are we staying together??

we ended the session with "the big question": why did i not want to come home friday night? why did i want to stay at a bar talking with strangers and 10.0? why did i then drop off the radar and not really communicate with hubby for most of the entire day afterwards? why did i, even when i left to go home on saturday, want to do nothing but curl back up in her bed and while the entire weekend away with her??

i mean, admittedly, the bar was alot of the fun that night. there were nice guys to talk to, one guy, mike, bought me a drink and then we talked for alot of the night. there was another guy who was really sweet and nice enough, but a bit too strait-laced for me (sidebar: my husband is extremely strait-laced, when he's not being morally ambiguous), and there were also a lot of 10.0's lesbian pseudo-friends there who i talked to about my current "questioning" status. one of the women (C) was pretty blatant about the fact that she wants to sleep with 10.0. ha! sorry sister, take a number. it's funny though... 10.0 was very aware of how interested C. was in her relationship status, and was really suspicious of it, though i too am extremely interested in her relationship with ss, and have at this point been pretty clear that i don't really like it, thank you very much. but this, at least so far, has been okay with 10.0. this girl C., however, scamming on her, was not. huh.

i've been fantasizing that maybe ss has told 10.0 to stop interacting with me so much or something. i had a flash of them talking, of ss noticing how much interaction we have on fb, of her somehow looking at pictures of me and deciding i was a threat, and demanding that 10.0 not be friends with me. could that happen? has it happened? i know i'm being a bit arrogant, thinking that ss would be suspicious of me, feel threatened by me, and of 10.0 spending time with me, but....i do have similar conversations with hubby, so...it's not impossible.

hmm...

i'm going to try really hard not to chase after her for the next few days, let her come to me a little now, maybe. there does seem to be some reverb happening, though it's also true that we both have a lot of work to do and so there's really no time to chat. but we were making time before...

but i digress. alot. wow. the point of all this is that i am an many ways, subtle and overt, running away from my marriage. and, hubby continues to do things that feel like they are repelling me even more. today in therapy, he pretty much said that he doesn't really believe that i'm really going through what i say i'm going through. he said that he wonders if i just "catch" the "break-up" virus from people around me. if my "crush" on 10.0 is really just about me just "trying out" something new, that i'm grasping around trying to find something that will make me happy, instead of focusing my energy on "being happy with him."

i'm still figuring out my reaction to that. it felt really invalidating and bad, and completely off, and also like the result of him not being able to consider that maybe i can't be happy with him. and certainly not with just him. what he said tonight also implied that i have not been trying for the past many years to do exactly what he says i should be doing now, focusing every ounce of myself on figuring out how to be happy with him. that's all i've been doing since we met. what if i'm tired of doing that, having realized the sad truth that....i really can't?

i find myself now wondering how i could support myself right now, if we were to separate soon. could i get a personal loan to help me rent a studio? where would i move to? admittedly, the idea of moving closer to the city is really enticing. even as the fear creeps in about being alone, it also sounds really nice. and right. and hard.

uh oh.

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