Friday, December 30, 2011

February 13, 2011--Resolve

I really can't tell if I need my own space to escape him or to be able to be with him.

I put a deposit down on a room today. Not in brooklyn, but closer to work, and about 45 minutes from my house with him. It was the first place I bothered to look at, and I took it b/c it's insanely cheap and has laundry in the apartment. Sold. hubby doesn't know yet. We have couples therapy tomorrow night. I'll tell him then.

I really don't know what it means that I've done this. i think it makes me feel safer, like I'm not trapped. When he came home today,i felt kind toward him, kinder than I should, based on yesterday, and I think it's because I know that I will have some place to go.

I think that maybe that's messed up though. I mean, why am I so mistrusting of this relationship that I need to have my own back up room waiting for me so that I can flee? And why does just thinking about that make me feel more hopeful?? I think that's really sad. But I already knew I have major trust issues...but still, wow.

There's also my renewed resolve to stop putting all my eggs in 10.0's proverbial, unavailable basket. I need to stop reacting to her as if she is the only thing. She is not, and cannot be, the only thing. I need to remember that, and let a friendship grow, if it will, slowly and organically. I do not need to immediately tell her my news,i don't need to immediately go find out in the morning how her weekend was, especially since whatever she says will most likely make me sad. I do not need that.

Right? Right.

Ok. Deep breath...

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