Friday, December 30, 2011

February 9, 2011--sad...

what the fuck.

yesterday, i talked to s. (work friend), my bestie, and 10.0 about my relationship with hubby and how settled and at peace i was feeling about the fact that it just isn't working and that's just the sad truth of it. i was calm about it. i still am calm about it.

and my conversation with 10.0 at lunch time actually had a lot to do with me again stopping my avoidance of the truth. that conversation also made me really sad.

she asked me if it was just hard for me to remember the good parts about hubby and our relationship. the answer was no...no. there's nothing about him that makes me want to stay. we don't share a passion or interest that keeps spending time with him enjoyable. he doesn't appreciate good food, good wine, he's not artistic, he's not driven, he's not a DO-ER, we don't like the same anything really, other than, as 10.0 pointed out, our dog. and maybe thursday night tv on NBC. we do both like that.

how sad is that, right? answer: very.

also sad is that 10.0 explained to me how, even though when she talks to me about ss, her relationship with her sounds pretty awful and majorly problematic, she assured me yesterday that they really "make sense" together, you just have to see them together to get it, and she tends to be "overdramatic" with certain people and only talks about the negative stuff about her relationship. uh-huh. she said that "for whatever reason" she's committed to making it work, and she loves her and likes that she's so stable in comparison to 10.0's "nuttiness." so i listen to all of this and am both skeptical and heartbroken and distracted by her eyes. and also reeling from the reality of the fact that there's nothing redeeming enough and powerful enough to make me want to be with my husband.

so...last night i started looking for sublets. it felt a bit naughty, but not really, and also really exciting and liberating. i set up my own mint.com account to see how much money *i* actually have, and though it's not pretty, and i can pretty much only cover the security deposit, after emptying my meager savings account, at least i can do that. it was sobering and surprising to realize that i would really be okay with not having tv, having to eat ramen and other yet-to-be-determined filling yet cheap food, and having to figure out how to get people to buy me drinks at the bar. i *want* to do that. because then i could do whatever i need to do to figure out what i want my life to be like.

and to do that, i need my own room... in every way that that sentence can be interpreted.

1 comment:

  1. Most of my responses to these are "oh yes... I remember that..."

    ReplyDelete