Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Febrary 2, 2011--shadowing my dreams

Yesterday, early,i was feeling really frustrated with her. I was feeling resolute about needing to keep some distance from her-besides,i had a busy day ahead of me and didn't have time for long subtext-filled chats anyway. So I didn't go in and say hi, only interacted with her a little, felt slightly bereft about that, and then we closed early, she left while I was stuck on the phone, and I felt a great loss.

I immediately started thinking about how I could connect with her a little more that day, like with a cute text or stg, or maybe blatantly telling her I was sad we hadn't gotten to talk. I obsessed about it with s, we considered the possibility that she has no idea that I'm in love with her, which is baffling but possible, and whether or not I should try a fling with another woman, or just wait for her...no resolution there, of course.

But the whole convo put me in a surly/devil may care attitude, and I decided, to hell with it, I'm gonna tell her!

...

That I missed talking to her today, that is. Come on, I'm not crazy!

So I txted her that, and we then had a nice txt convo for a while, talking mostly about the fact that she's been doing art projects lately. She acknowledged though, that we were having our ' daily check' when I asked how she and ss were doing. So she notices too, I think that we talk daily. That's nice...

So then, quite abruptly, she CALLS me. This is unprecedented. I answer quizzically, wondering what has warranted this gift-she tells me she's now walking to the train and it's too cold to text, so she called. *swoon* so then we talk more about her art,i tell her her bedtime stories (subtext = her) are adorable, she asks what kind of art I create,i tell her I wish I painted, she says ' someday', we talk about when her birthday party should be, she asks me what I think, i tell her I think a costume/wig party would be fun, we say good bye, I hang up and marvel.

Then, this morning, SHE CALLS ME AGAIN. Just to find out if I'm coming into work. No real reason, basically. What does this MEAN!?

Fuck if I know. S thinks it's pretty significant, but...who knows with her!? And I barely saw her today, but when I did she looked beautiful...of course. Then she was gone already when I came out of my office at 5. sadness again. So I of course text her because I'm in fucking love with her, referencing the silly nickname I'd slipped and called her on fb today, and of course I haven't heard anything, and of course I'm freaking out that now, NOW she will realize that I'm into her, and she'll tell me to leave her alone. Or worse, and more likely, she'll just withdraw, and I'll want to die.

Yeah. That seems about right.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, that was a mean trick write-lady! Then again I guess I shouldn't have been fooled since I already know what happens. By the way, I borrowed your "swoon" in one of my blogs, hope you don't mind. I'm tired of proving I'm not a robot. The last time I had to type "prood" are you trying to tell me something?

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