Wednesday, January 4, 2012

March 15, 2011--needy

uck. i think i'm actually much needier than i like to admit. this is unfortunate and embarassing. uck.

i did really well today and didn't text c. at all until around 10:30 tonight. i thought about her, replayed in my mind some of the steamy moments we shared, got turned on fantasizing about her, but i didn't reach out to her. master of my domain, and all that.

but then, after a nice, stabilizing talk with my bf, who reminded me that anyone who i have any business dating/fooling around with will not actually be freaked out or overwhelmed by me being me, as not-at-all-subtle as i am, i decided to text her, just to let her know i was thinking of her. so i did. i asked her about her night last night, which she had invited me to join her in. i turned her down b/c i wasn't at home, i was still at my house with hubby for one last night of company before the shock of really being apart, so of course i couldn't go out with her. i couldn't have anyway, b/c i was working, but anyway, thrilling that she'd wanted me to come, sad that i couldn't. but then, when i asked about it tonight, all she said was that it was "drunken. very drunken." i replied "ha! nice" and didn't hear anything back. that was it. very different from yesterday.

and so, i'm now horribly doubting and second-guessing myself and realizing that apparently i really do need constant affirmation and soothing and reassurance that i'm not horrible! even from someone i just met who i've only interacted with one time! boooooooo! that's so annoying! i feel embarassed of myself. ugh, i need to just go hide in a hole. somebody please just keep sending down bottles of wine, and i'll be fine.

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