Thursday, January 5, 2012

March 20, 2011--oy

today was rough. this week was rough, actually. and...i think hubby found this blog. as we angrily talked on the phone tonight, he mentioned something about me "wanting women to suck on my breasts." um........pretty specific to be coincidental, yes? so i'm freaking out a bit about that...i wonder if he somehow searched for a block of text from one of the blog posts i shared with him and found it. uuuuuuuuuuuugh, not good. i don't think it'll be good for anyone if he reads everything i've written here. it's not for his eyes. *i* can barely stand to read what i've written sometimes.

(Note from the future: He did find it. It was a shit show. You have no idea.)

i also saw s and s this week, who've been close friends of me and hubby for a long time. they're now caught in the middle as we separate and it was hard seeing them, especially after they spent several hours at my house without me (first time this has happened). as i drove to their house, past my own, for a visit, i felt the loss acutely. everything is changing, the life i thought i had and would have is fading away, and there's a lot of sadness left behind. yet i realized today talking with s and s that maybe i've come off as not-so-sad, but more excited about my new interest in women. like it wasn't a big deal to me that my marriage was falling apart, i was just excited about vaginas. which makes sense, i guess, since it's been much easier to talk and write about my lesbian leanings lately than about the pain of my marriage crumbling, the loneliness, the self-doubt, the fear, the confusion. but all of those things are there, powerfully ever-present. it makes me feel sad that maybe i've come across as cold and uncaring, when in fact i'm completely losing it inside.

(Note from the future: Another hard one for me to post....but, hey, guess what? We're getting ever closer to present day me! It really does get less bleak....ish)

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