Tuesday, January 3, 2012

March 9, 2011--the space between

i am very much in between many things right now. it's beginning to feel like an okay place to be, though. that's progress.

i feel in between with hubby. i don't know what i want our relationship to be. this is hard for both of us, me not knowing. but i can't pretend that i know. i don't.

i feel in between with my coworkers...but that whole drama is for a different space. moving on.

i feel incredibly in-between with 10.0. "in between" doesn't even cut it. i feel completely and utterly confused and lost when it comes to her. i get flashes of our interactions early on, so fun, light, close, caring, and then i think of now, when she ignores my texts, doesn't stop by to talk, doesn't have time for me to stop by for her. there wasn't time before either. that's not new. so what's changed? who am i to her? why did she early on come by completely unprovoked to give me a hug, but now ignores my messages and seems to have no time to continue our friendship? and i go between the "we are not friends" mantra and wanting to invite her to join me for happy hour tomorrow. what's in between those two extremes? nothing? acquaintances? being acquaintances with her is like being invisible. every one is her acquaintance. i don't want to be that. i wasn't that before. i was nothing, and then we were close. no in-between. what is happening there?? i am so baffled. so do i tell her i'm going to happy hour at one of my, and her, favorite bars? do i mention it in passing, but not go out of my way to tell her? do i tell her that i might be there alone? do i not tell her at all? but then, what if she might come? would that be good? horrible? why would she come, though? maybe she wants to come? maybe she's confused and nervous about where she stands with me, too? how will i ever know??!? is this all in my fucking head??

and this is why i should just be staying away from her.

but i can't. i caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan't. she is a flame that i can't fly away from. so intriguing, so enticing, and i so desperately want to know how she feels to the touch.

the in-between is a very confusing place to be.

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