Tuesday, January 3, 2012

March 14, 2011---denouement

so much has happened, again, in the past few days, and i don't have time/energy right now to write about it all, but i feel like i need to get a list down, or something, to document this craziness. so here's a list, and i will expound later:
  • friday night i met up with one of my really good friends from college, n., and we talked and had dinner and then went to a gay bar together, where we met up with a new gay friend i met on the subway a few weeks ago (random, i know, but it really wasn't sketchy like it sounds) and had a blast and watched a drag queen perform and drank and danced. so fun.
  • during that fun time, i was hit on by a weird girl who followed me around for awhile but who i was not interested in in the least and then.....then i met c. c and i danced together first, if i remember correctly, as i was shaking my ass around with my hands in the air and all of a sudden there she was, grinding behind me. it felt great, so we kept dancing, then eventually i turned around and introduced myself and we shook hands. classy. but then she bought me a drink, i actually worried about if she would come back when she left to go get them, we talked, we laughed, we flirted, we made out, we left the bar together, talked each other down from going home together, held hands while we walked around the city, and eventually ended up in a downstairs alley making out furiously. and by furiously i mean my skirt was above my waist and my exposed breasts were in her mouth. yeah. first lesbian experience, for the win! it was awesome. and the reason why i like her actually has little to do with the sexual charge that's undeniably there. she's also funny, cute, dorky, silly, used the word "embouchure" in conversation with me and i knew what she was talking about, and quoted "The Sandlot" one of my favorite movies, completely unprovoked. these things and many more make me want to see her again. she wants to see me too. we texted alot today. we'll probably meet up on tues or wednesday. i'm really excited about it. she knows about my marriage, and it's current state (see below) and still wants to see me again.
  • today, kind of in a whimper, hubby and i separated. like, for real this time. i came home this weekend hoping that maybe i just needed some rough making out with a girl to be done with that and "come home" to him. instead, i found myself annoyed as he continued to want to talk about how we can work things out, and was still not attracted to him in the least. and he's attractive. i used to think so. now, i don't want to figure out what he needs from me for us to be better. i don't want to try to continue to endlessly try to explain to him what i need from him. i don't think i trust that we are capable of doing right by each other, just b/c of the people that we are, and i don't feel like i want to try anymore. and it doesn't have much to do with c., or anyone else, either. things with her might fall apart in a day, and i'll still need to not have to be with hubby right now. i don't want to. i've known this for a long time but it's terrifying and i haven't wanted to admit or really go through with it. but i did today. so we're separated. and it's so so sad. and feels like the right thing to do.

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