Friday, January 6, 2012

May 2, 2011--girl trouble

so.....i've been dating someone, let's call her Swiss Miss (SM), for a little over a month. she's the first woman I've had sex with,  i'm completely smitten with her, and therefore am feeling emotional and vulnerable and scared and completely insane like i don't know what i'm doing with myself. awesome. this is, i think, what happens when you enter the dating world for the first time at 29, and as you "switch teams." confusing, to say the least.

so, she has been very flirty and open with how much she likes me. she has sent me random texts about how much she loves waking up naked next to me. how she was fantasizing about going down on me in an empty movie theater. how the more she thinks about it, the more she "realizes how beautiful i am." i return her sentiments, and we've both marveled at how addicting it is, kissing each other. nice...

but then, last week, she applied the brakes. and hard. we met up for a concert that she'd invited me to on our 2nd date, 3 weeks earlier. the concert happened to fall on our "1 month anniversary" which we both noticed, of course. as about 90% of our dates up to that point had ended in us spending the night together at her place, i, without even thinking, packed an overnight bag that i told her i'd have to pick up from my office before we went to her place. she sheepishly tells me that she "doesn't think we should have a sleepover tonight" because she's really stressed with finals and didn't have time to clean her place and is just feeling gross and...i stopped listening at that point, trying to hide my surprise, my disappointment, my shame, my hurt. but i didn't hide it well. she reassured me that it wasn't me, it's just that she's so stressed and busy, and we'll definitely do something this weekend, maybe friday? ok, i say, and proceed to snuggle her to within an inch of her life for the rest of the night. we held hands, we kissed, i accidentally called her "honey." oops.

wednesday night i ask her, fairly casually, expecting a 'yes' like a fool, if we're gonna do something friday. she says no, actually, her friend v. feels like s has been neglecting her so she couldn't say no to her invitation to go to a "happy hour event", but, let's definitely do something next week? i tried really hard to be nonchalant and breezy. it did not work. she again reassures me that she likes me and wants to see me and blah blah blah, and i say okay, though what i'm really thinking is "if you really wanted to see me that bad, then you would see me." i know for a fact that v. has said she wants to meet me. so....what's that about?

anyway, i then proceed to fill my weekend with nights out with my various gays. i had a great time. and she always wanted to know what i was doing...even said she was jealous that i was going out to fun spots without her. she asked if i "met any girls" then says she's "just curious" when i ask her if that's what she really wants to know. this pissed me off, and i ended up telling her that i felt like she was testing me or something, and waiting for me to hook up with someone else. *sigh* i don't know if i should have said that. but i needed to! there's clearly something going on, right?? but she of course says she's not testing me...and this was all via text message, so what the fuck do i know. uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

so when i think back to pre-last week, there's no doubt in my mind that something great was happening. but if i look at the past week, all signs are pointing both to "she's just not that into you" and to "she's just busy, and doesn't want to rush things." seeing as my only experience with "dating" was with someone who lived about a 30 second walk from me and who I saw every fucking day for the first 3 months of our relationship, and then fucking married, i clearly don't know if this slow-play is normal, or if i'm being slowly rejected and am missing the signals. also, she's a girl! is this how girls date? i don't know! i don't fucking know! all i know is that i want to get my face between her legs again, and...well, that bar seems to be closed.

this is bullshit. dating sucks.

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