Friday, January 6, 2012

May 22, 2011--hot tears

(Note from the future: So it's funny....I've been talking with a friend lately about dating, and she's been saying how hard and not fun it is and I've been saying how great and fun and exciting it can be, and often is...and then I read this. I think she's right. And I am delusional.)

this weekend was SM's birthday. spent saturday with her and her friends, did some day-drinking, then went to a bar and a club that night. it was pretty fun, s. was fairly drunk, so was also very touchy-feely and complementary--that is, after earlier in the night she told me that she had to stop being so "couple-ey" in front of her friends because she "didn't want to make them uncomfortable." huh. but much of that night after that we were very touchy, she was very nice to me, seemed attracted to me...but we didn't have sex. we did make out in a cab. but no sex. (this sounds like i'm some sort of horn-dog, but the point is that we always have sex, so the fact that we didn't is notable, you know?)

then today we were both pretty tired, i cuddled with her this morning and she didn't respond, didn't turn to kiss me, didn't move in when i moved toward her...i felt rejected, and confused. then we went and had brunch, then went to a movie...our conversation at brunch was a little awkward when i kind of mentioned that she's much more ok with pda when she's drunk, and other wise seems pretty hands off, and when she said that i seem "too casual" about the whole starting-to-date-women thing. i mentioned that i had definitely noticed that she basically sat on the opposite side of the room from me for some of the night last night, and she tried to explain her concern about "not making other people uncomfortable." i did not explain that all that sounds like/feels like to me is rejection. and that it stings. there were times today when we were waiting for subways etc., and she stood apart from me, and i felt really bad...like i kind of wanted to cry, like "do you not like me? why don't you reach for my hand? i feel like i can't b/c maybe you're feeling self-conscious, but i always want to hold your hand, why don't you want to hold mine??" these are the things I was thinking as we walked to the movie theater, walked home from the movie theater, sat in the movie theater. there were some nice moments sprinkled in, but...there was also a lot of doubt. she said she was tired but...i was tired too. i still wanted to caress her and kiss her and make love to her. she.....didn't.

when we got back from the movie, around 8, I unceremoniously gathered my stuff together, didn't even sit down, and said, "ok, i guess i'll go then." i waited. she said "oh, you're gonna go?" as she sits down at her computer with her phone in her hand. "well, yeah, i think i should..." "..." she says ok, stands up to give me a hug goodbye. i hug her back, starting to feel flushed, a sign that something's feeling....bad. i say happy birthday again, and goodbye, and she makes no move to show me she wants me to stay, and i gather my things and i leave and i don't look back as i do. "i'll call you later" she says. "ok!" i chipper-ly reply as i continue down the stairs and away from her.

as i leave her place, i feel angry. really mad. and, as happens when i'm feeling mad/bad about myself, the hot tears started to come. i tried to shake them away. but i felt horrible as i left there. like i wasn't sure of my place, and i need to know. she thanked me several times for being "so lovely" to her this weekend, and i was, i tried really hard to be, but then i felt like crying as i left her apartment? what the fuck is that?? what's happening? i feel like i'm chasing her. how do i keep chasing people? why do i think that the best i can get is to chase after someone, waiting for them to call all the shots? i feel like i'm at her mercy, and sometimes she doesn't want me, and i just hang around waiting, while always wanting her. why do i do this? and why does she, when drunk, say how beautiful i am, and want to touch me and kiss me and be with me? and sober, we might as well have just met yesterday, rather than be two women who have licked and sucked and kissed the most private of places?

i feel....mad. i.e. hurt.

now what?

(Note from the future: Now what is that she dumped me. But only, of course, after I asked her for several days what was up with her, since something was obviously up. She told me that I seemed more into her than she was into me [false], and that she was worried that I hadn't dated enough really [perhaps], and that she really liked me and thought I was amazing and was therefore really confused by the fact that she wasn't able to commit to dating me the way that she "should" without jerking me around so much. But she still really wanted to be friends and hang out, because she likes me so much. Um.....right. So then I didn't talk to her for awhile. But then some other stuff happened? Read on....)

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