Tuesday, December 27, 2011

January 14, 2011--charge

My charge this weekend: leave 10.0 ALONE. Today I feel like I went a little crazy, put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak, and I need to just calm the fuck down. Today, things were really awkward with her-I think we both pulled away from each other after being so open yesterday, and it hurt me too much to feel space btw us. She didn't come to the dance party at the end of the day-in point of fact, no one did-and the way I reacted, you'd think she'd just ripped my beating heart out, spat on it, and stomped it into pulp.

I cried.

I felt so awful and unloved and alone. But, she is not with me. She has no responsibility to me whatsoever, and yet I have come to rely on her to nourish me, just a little bit, every day. I have been needing her light to shine on me, to water me, every day. And today I didn't feel her light, as we each retreated from the heat of the other- or, as I pushed her away with my eagerness-- and I felt starved and raw and scared.

And I cried.

And so, I need to check myself before I wreck myself, and really think about what's happening here. What am I doing? What am I looking for? What am I wanting? Why? Who is she to me? Who is my husband to me?? Who am *I* to me???

I can't ask that of her. I can't seek everything I'm not getting from my own husband in her eyes, that don't see me the way I see her. And how do I see her? As something not real, no doubt. As someone perfect, and mine, and essential to survival.

she is none of these things...she is more...

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