Friday, December 30, 2011

a question.

I'm breaking the flow of the blog back-log with something that I was specifically wondering about in August, but am really always wondering about....

A dating question: Is being the first one to make a move brave? Or really dumb?

I’ve done a lot of thinking about the above question, and I’m really curious what others think about this.

My thoughts:

In the land of lesbian dating, I’m finding that I am ALWAYS the one to initiate contact. Whether this is on OkCupid, at a bar, or on the dance floor, I always summon up my courage, and send the first message, ask the first flirty question, hold the first long gaze.  And it works sometimes. I met the first girl I seriously dated this way. I met the girl I dated after that this way. I met one of my really good friends this way.  I met and hooked up with one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever crossed paths with this way.

But. I also find myself CONSTANTLY asking, “Do I need to stop initiating contact now? Do I need to wait for her now? Who needs to take charge here?” And sometimes I wait, and sometimes I don’t, and I never know which way is up and don’t want to come on too strong but I don’t want to seem like I don’t care, and very, very often I end up feeling confused and rejected and like I have no idea how she (whoever she is) feels about me, because I’m the one who started the whole thing. AND. Several times now, I think I’ve either pushed too much and pushed them away, or I’ve stepped back and then things have fizzled….

But maybe if that's what's happens, then I just need to tell myself, "She's just not that into you," and get the fuck on with it.

I'm curious if anyone out there has any thoughts on this. I'd be glad to hear them. Comment on.


  1. I don't know. I always feel like it's a sports metaphor, and I regularly make statements of "the ball is in their court now, I'm done." Of course, that's because I made a complete ass of myself with one person I was really into a few years ago and so now kind of refuse to be the one making the moves all the time.

    Of course, I'm also naturally flirty, and this has resulted in more than one first date that I found to be sort of meh and the other person is like MAKEOUTS AT YOUR FACE and then I say, WELL THANKS HAHAHA BYEEE and never speak to them again.

    Basically I'm terrible at dating. I'm surprised I've managed to do so much of it over the years.

  2. Well, see, exactly. I think every time I find myself saying "okay, should I stop?" is in direct reaction to a previous time when I felt like I completely embarrassed myself. But...if it's the right person, wouldn't those "embarrassing" attempts to connect just be considered cute and charming? But then there's so much risk involved, because you never know when it's going to work, when they feel the way you do, so it's so much safer to just stop...but never know. :/