Monday, January 16, 2012

August 22, 2011--stuff...(or, I have mommy issues)

I’m starting to really feel how not telling my parents that I’m gay is changing my relationship with them.  Even though I don’t really like talking to them much anyway, as they make me feel bad/sad/mad almost every time, and have no idea that they have this effect on me, and I feel unseen and invisible and used by them, still in the past I would call more and tell them more of what I was up to than I do now.  But, since I left my ex and am dating women and am much more active socially, I don’t really want to nor do I have time to talk to my parents! I mean, why?? I’m almost fucking 30.  Add to this that my mother now thinks that she needs to keep tabs on me, which she clearly was only not doing for the past almost 10 years because she thought my HUSBAND WAS DOING IT, and it’s really no wonder that I don’t really want to call them.  And yet, my mom texts me EVERY DAY and often asks me if I’m “home yet”. Even on Friday/Saturday nights. Um, no, mother, I am not sitting at home alone on a weekend night. I would hope that she would not want/expect me to be doing that. She clearly does, though.

So there’s that frustration happening.  I so enjoy being more separate from them, especially after spending most of my life being their sweet, good girl, but I also feel so much guilt about it—a hold over from doing what they wanted me to do for most of my life. Uuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

In happier news, I’ve had 3 dates with E. now, and she’s really pretty great.  I’ve kissed her once, after our 2nd date, in my car as I drove her home. It was very nice…sweet.  Yesterday I had brunch with her, and got out of the car to give her a proper hug, and then realized that, apparently, 2 girls having a long hug on the side of the road in [insert apparently conservative area of Brooklyn here] attracts a lot of attention. Huh. So I didn’t kiss her. And am sad about that.

We have a ridiculous amount in common, from favorite foods to favorite artists to hobbies to talents to ideal travel destinations to WHERE WE WANT TO/HAVE GOTTEN MARRIED. She even wants to go to Disney World WITHOUT ANY KIDS. I have been wanting to do this for years, and precious few people share this desire. She does. It’s pretty cool.

So I like her a lot, but we’re taking it slow, which I think is a sign that something real could actually happen.
We’ll see…

(Note from the future: Yeaaaaaaaaah, not so much. I never saw her again, actually, though we tried for at least the next month to meet up. But during that month she was obsessed with her job, cancelled on me at least 3 times, and then missed my birthday celebration.  Then, apparently, she (re)met the love of her life, and is blissfully happy now. So, good on that.)

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