Thursday, January 26, 2012

January 10, 2012-- Wow.

I still can't really believe that last night happened.

SC just left my apartment. 

She spent the night.

Last night we both professed our mutual strong "like" for each other. And it was amazing and surprising and disorienting and I'm really not sure what to do now.

It's like this thing I've been wanting since October has finally happened and now I'm a little paralyzed. with fear, maybe. Like, now I'm gonna mess it up. Now what? Oh shit. Like that.

She said to me last night, with the help, I think, of a little liquid courage, the following (I paraphrase loosely): "I basically feel like I would move in with you, could be married to you, like now, but....I couldn't date you."

This was the start of the amazing, potentially world-changing conversation that led to us making out furiously, and deciding that we're gonna date, secretly, and see what happens for a little bit because we're both terrified of messing up the dynamic of our amazing group of queer friends.  We realized that one of the main things keeping us away from each other is that shared concern, which we then realized was SUPER ANNOYING and also, were we being stupid?  We confessed that there have been countless moments of shared, but privately experienced, frustration at not being together, she told me that she would find herself staring at my lips for long stretches, that she's been wanting to kiss me for soooooo long. That she would talk to me about other people she was dating to make me jealous.  All things that I wished were true but didn't dare believe might be.

She told me that it does throw her a bit how recently I left my marriage, how recently I changed my life, but also, how very, very gay I am, despite all of that.  We talked a bit about how, though I feel that the right thing, in theory, for me is to date around, be casual with several people, all I've really been doing since October is waiting for her. I literally said this to several of my friends over the past few months, and yesterday I admitted it to her. I've been waiting for her. I have.

As we were hugging and kissing and smiling sappily at each other, there was so. much. happiness. And "ohmygod"s and "ugh, i just---ah!", i.e. random exclamations of excitement and wonder at the fact that this was actually happening. Oh my god, it actually happened.

We tried to start hammering out last night the details of "what now." Do we still go on dates with other people? What do we do when one of us inevitably starts freaking out that we're actually trying this? Can we help each other avoid "u-hauling" it (something she feels she has a tendency to do)? OMG, HOW WILL WE (mostly I) KEEP IT A SECRET!?  But I think it's good to keep it a secret for a minute--I mean, we have no idea how WE are going to handle this new...thing, let alone how our friends will react, even if everything goes swimmingly. It's going to change things either way, though.

Wow.

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