Thursday, January 12, 2012

July 21, 2011--Confused...girls are weird.


I ended up seeing hot cop on Tuesday night. She texted me and was like “wanna come to a cigar bar with me?” and I’m like, “um, yes please?” So I take a ridiculously expensive cab ride into the city and meet her.

And she’s tall and gorgeous and I feel lame and nerdy.  But she buys me a cigar, and shows me how to smoke it, and I’m embarrassingly bad at it, but we stand close together and talk and laugh, and then we get outta there pretty soon after I arrive.  We hop in her convertible and tool around a bit, puffing our cigars and talking about times we’ve been too drunk. Funny stuff.

We ultimately end up at B Bar, which is pretty empty. We sit outside, order drinks and nibbles, and talk for a few hours. We were up until, like, 2 am.  We talked about so much—she told me more about her work, I told her about mine, I told her about my family dynamics, she talked about her sister, and about how her dad reacted to her coming out.  She said that she was enjoying “talking to me when she was sober” and I told her I did too. We talked about tattoos, about places we should go together, but I was definitely holding back, trying to keep sexual tension down, trying to see her as a friend and not someone I wanted to take to bed immediately, and it was fine, but sad that it didn’t feel as hot.

So then we drive home, and she calls me sweetie and kisses me goodnight. More light pecks this time, but still, she kissed me. Why?? I feel like I want her so bad, and she seems to want me too, but we’re just friends? Really? So that night ends with me confused about what’s happening with her, and wondering, should I make it more plan that I want to date her? Though, if I’m being honest, she already knows.

Okay, so then, Wednesday (last) night, I see Swiss Miss, my ex-- but possibly future- girlfriend.  We talked about how she needs to make sure that we take things slow, but that she doesn’t like hearing that I’m seeing  someone else (hot cop), but also doesn’t want to get so serious about us being exclusive.  I told her that I wasn’t gonna stop dating other people right now, and that I do like hot cop, but that the timing is wrong and so nothing’s really happening, but…who knows. And she took that, and we promised to be honest about seeing other people. Ok.

But then, there was a lot of “well, when we have our gay marriage…” and “my friend thinks I’m in love with you…” and “I asked my mom if she’d be okay with you coming to our house….” and “I’ve been looking up fun stuff for us to do…” And I’m kind of just amused by it all, you know? I mean, what’s going on? She pushed me to date other people, broke up with me, and now is a “smitten kitten” as one of her friends said, but…I don’t know how I feel about her now? I guess I’m feeling like I can’t trust it too much, but she knows that this time around, she can’t jerk me around. But now, am I jerking her around?? I feel like I’m not letting myself fall for her again, I think I’m scared to…

So….yeah. Girls are weird.

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