Thursday, March 15, 2012

February 24, etc--Masochist, I am a

Started writing this awhile ago and never finished it, oops.  But tonight I'm a little drunk and have other stuff to catch you guys up on now, woohoo! So, I want to get this one out there, as it is both important to document and annoying and I want to move the fuck on from it. Enjoy.


Ugh ugh ugh.

I hadn't seen SM since valentine's day. This was actually mostly okay with me, as I've been tired and busy and have pretty much only wanted to go to bed every day.


But then tonight i met a bunch of pp for karaoke. It was intentionally super lowkey and not the type of thing you had to come to or anything. No special occasion, no nothing. I just wanted to sing, so i went to a karaoke place. And i invited people to come if they wanted. Ok.

So, SM was always very interested in this activity and very interested in coming. Okay, cool, great. So she says she's coming. Then she comes 3 hours late. Why? Unclear. She was cagey. I think she talked to her mom? I don't know why else.

She looked pretty.

So she shows up, i immediately feel worried and guilty that she's being subjected to my absurd, loud, very intensely karaoke-loving (lovely) friends, and...yeah. so she talks to my bff a bit, i continue to sing my little heart out, and eventually she says, "i think i'm gonna go..."

I immediately feel myself getting hot and flushed, a sure sign that my subconscious mind can feel something messed up about to happen. And happen it does.

“Oh, okay, so you wanna go soon? We just have a few more songs coming, then i'm good..." I say. "Well, i don't want to take you away from your friends...but i'm just so tired, i think i'm just gonna go," she says.

I'm surprised, a bit stunned, starting to feel hurt, rejected, confused. The usual.

"O....kay?" I say, not able to completely hide my confusion.

"Yeah, I'm just...really tired..."

"Okay, well....we can totally just go home and go to bed, I mean, we do that sometimes, that's totally fine...." I say. I say this not because I pretentiously assume that she wants to go home with me, but because there have been maybe TWO times that we have met up and not gone home together. Two. Okay, maybe 3.

Anyway, she says, "No, I think I'm just gonna go now." Because I can't handle how passive and vague she's being, I have to ask her, "Are you saying you want to go home? Or you want to go home alone?"

She hems and haws and eventually mumbles, "Yeah, that's what I said, I want to sleep in my bed by myself, blah blah blah." So I tell her, "Okay! That's totally fine!" smile sweetly and take deep breaths, and she leaves.

It wasn't totally fine. It was weird and ridiculous the way that she "handled" the situation. In that she didn't really handle it at all and after not seeing her for almost 2 weeks she showed up, acted weird, and then wanted to flee. It felt like she didn't want to see me, after all that time, and after we'd been getting so close. What the hell?

About 15 minutes later, as I'm rehashing what had happened with her with the table, she comes back in. She'd left her bag on the floor between our seats. She sheepishly says "You got me so flustered that I forgot my bag!" I hand it to her, she leaves again. I GOT HER SO FLUSTERED?? Is she fucking kidding me? Honestly.
The next day, as I'm lying face down on my best friend's couch bemoaning how annoying SM is and how I don't understand how I keep getting myself entangled with her like this, she texts me. "I'm sorry about last night."


We then have a long-pause filled text conversation where I say something like "It's fine to want/need nights to yourself, you could have just said that, and it's confusing when you don't tell me what's going on with you." She says "There wasn't anything else to tell, I was just tired. I thought about not coming, but I didn't want to disappoint you." I say "I'm a big girl, you could have just told me." She says "Okay, I'll talk to you later."


A few days later I decide to just fucking acknowledge that she's pulled away and that I've noticed it.  So I gchat her "Hey, not sure when I'll see you again, so I just wanted to acknowledge that you seem to have majorly pulled back since Valentine's Day, and I just wanted to ask you what's up and find out where you're at with...whatever's going on with us."

She immediately responds that she did pull back and she's sorry and it was unintentional, she's just been really busy with school and guesses she needed some space. I say Okay.  A few days later she asks me if I want to do something that weekend. But I'm already booked, and tell her so. And I felt angry as I talked to her. Then I didn't talk to her for another week. Then I'm reminded on Facebook that she's heading on her Spring Break trip, which she talked to me about planning months ago. So I text her that I hope she has fun on her trip. She then texts back "Thanks! See you when I get back :) "

Um. A bit presumptuous, no?

Honestly, I am soooooooooooo done with her.

Except that other than these cyclical shenanigans, I like her. And she has amazing breasts.

Wow. So gay. Oh, and also, did I mention...masochistic?


mas·och·ist [mas-uh-kist] noun
1. a person who is gratified by pain, degradation, etc., that is self-imposed or imposed by others.
2. a  2. a person who finds pleasure in self-denial, submissiveness, etc.


  1. ah confusing, frustrating and all around annoying...and yet so very wonderful (especially when they have amazing breasts...haha)

  2. ARG. Nothing helpful to add other than, I too meet the definition, so you are not alone my dear. Somehow we are going to start demanding the best for ourselves AND GETTING IT - SELFCARE - it's time!