Monday, May 14, 2012

Home

So. I find myself in a relationship unlike any I've had before.  With a woman. I love her. Completely.

It happened slowly, but also quickly.

It is amazing.

It is terrifying.

I met Elle 3+ months ago through work.  We hit it off immediately, found each other hilarious, and liked all the same things.  She was the first (and only) person I felt comfortable officially coming out to in the office.  She then (sort of) came out to me.  We then began spending more and more office time together, talking, laughing, confiding.  But at first, as much as I wanted to move our friendship into the real world (and specifically into my favorite queer spaces), I said we had to wait until May, when her time in our shared office was over.  It was extremely frustrating, as we were becoming better and better friends, but I was scared.  Fresh off a horrible example of what can happen when you become close friends with colleagues and then are devastated and hurt, and then forced to face that devastation everyday thereafter, I felt like I couldn't take that risk, because I wouldn't be able to take it if it somehow blew up in my face.

But then my friend A helped me not to feel so scared (eternal thanks to her) and I shyly, but joyfully, invited Elle out with me and my friends for St. Patrick's Day in March.  I met her best friend. I was nervous about what they both thought of me, real me, out in the world, gay and corny and drunk and a terrible (if enthusiastic) dancer.

It was a wonderful night.  Especially once everyone else drifted home and we were left alone, the only two dancing in a half-empty bar until 2 (3?) in the morning. That night I realized my attraction to her, and that night I started to try to push it away.

From that day to this one, we have become best friends. We have told each other we love each other. We have watched (a LOT) of nerdy TV together.  We have shared things, intimate, painful things, about ourselves with each other.  We have cried together.  In the past 3+ months, I have let her in, shown her who I really am (often with her help and because of her constant, though baffling, interest and care), more than I have ever let anyone in before in my life.  I think this is the case for her, too, letting me know her, the real her, as no one else has.

It is so amazing, this love with her.  And it is so unexpected, and moving.  Who knew this kind of connection was possible? Who knew that it could happen for me?

It also makes me realize what my previous relationships were not.  I feel so safe with her. So safe and vulnerable, but delightfully so.  Only in comparison can I see that I have not felt this before.  I feel so delighted by her and she, somehow, feels the same about me.  We are so in sync, so comfortable, so caring.  It's startling, and beautiful, and scary. And we talk about all of those things.  Cry about them. Smile lovingly at each other.

And then we watch some Firefly (or...not, these days) and fall into each others' arms.

Home.

3 comments:

  1. uh, Firefly is AWESOME! whats even AWESOMER (hehe) its that you found someone to watch it with. congrats ;)

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