Friday, July 6, 2012

Out and In

With every passing day, I think about how I will come out to my parents.  And the fact that, with every passing day, I get closer to the day that I will come out to my parents.

I don't know exactly when I will, but I know that it's coming.

My relationship with Elle has made that a certainty. And that's a good thing.

A friend of mine recently became engaged to her girlfriend.  They proudly announced it on Facebook, with pictures of the ring, their smiling faces immediately afterward. And they were drowned in an outpouring of love and support from their Facebook and real-life worlds.

I am so happy for them.  And I am jealous.

Elle and I, in our young, green relationship, are hiding it.  Not from everyone. Our close friends know. The other gay people that we see socially, who we drink and dance and have fun with know.  Her brother even knows. But...Facebook doesn't. Our parents and families don't. And it feels so wrong, to not be able to post as our profile pictures an image of our shining, happy faces--together.  So wrong to not be able to casually or not-so-casually make plain, for all to see (if we want them to) our growing love for each other.  We know that it's happening, and that's the most important thing, but it feels so wrong, so unfair that the rest of the world, the rest of our worlds, doesn't know it too.

I almost wrote "the rest of our worlds can't know it too."  But that's the thing. They could know. But for both of us, we feel like they really, actually, can't.  I grapple every day with that. It feels like such hypocrisy and I am a big hypocrite.  I have fought so hard over the past year and a half to be me, to be the person I really am, and am constantly championing to others the virtue of being honest and authentic in life....yet I'm hiding a huge part of my life and myself from so many people.  And worse than that, leaving Elle out of the details I share with my family, when she is THE detail, feels unfair to her. Like I have to write her out. Like she's something to hide. Though she is everything, and everything I want to talk about. It stings.

Because I don't have to leave her out when I talk to my parents. I choose to.  Because I have NO IDEA how they'll react. And not knowing makes me scared.  My parents are southern, conservative people. But they love me. And they are nice people. So will they bend and adjust and accept me and my girlfriend? Me, their 30 year-old daughter with an ex-husband?

....

Probably.

...

Eventually?

...

Maybe.

....

I'm scared.

But I'm also sick of being scared, and feel excited about the day when it's done. And I'm out.

And free.

3 comments:

  1. I understand your plight all too well. I left my husband who I was with for 6 years to be with a woman. She is now out of the picture but I couldn't be happier. I came out to my parents and told them I was getting a divorce at 26. It was liberating and devastating at the same time. They still are not okay with my "choice" but I think in time they will come around, 2 years later, they have become more willing to hear about my partner... but it certainly took some time.

    Take your time, but know that it will be one of the most freeing days of your life. You can then start being honest about everything and it's a great feeling.

    Thanks for writing this & I will keep reading :)

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  2. I slept with my bestfriend last year. her idea. she wanted to experiment and i went along with it. cause i did too. but ever since i can't stop thinking about it. i think i may be in love with her but i think for her it was a one time thing... at the time and also right now she has a boyfriend. should i tell her my feelings?

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  3. Two responses to the two comments on this post! And my apologies for the delay! It's been a busy time...

    To RaychDee: Thank you so much for your comment. I think that's such good advice, to take my time. As an extremely impatient person, this is the hardest thing in the world for me to do. But at the same time, I know that once I come out, everything will change, you know? For the better, ultimately, I think, but still-change. *sigh* thanks for your words, and I'm glad you're reading along as I travel this road!

    To Anonymous: I don't really feel comfortable doling out advice, as I'm still figuring things out myself, so I think I'm going to refer you to Everyoneisgay.tumblr.com. There's link over on the right side of my blog. The ladies who run that blog are awesome and give really good advice. Will you let me know how things turn out? Good luck--navigating these waters can be confusing, I know.

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