Monday, January 13, 2014

to receive...

Recently Elle came into some money very unexpectedly, and she has been extremely generous to me lately as a result. Even more so than she usually is.

I'm having a hard time with it.

She tells me, and I believe her, that she really enjoys helping me out in ways big and small, buying me little gifts, like a lipstick, or bigger ones, like...well, more expensive lipstick, or a dinner date, or a very nice piece of technology that I thoroughly feel that I don't deserve but appreciate sooooooo much. 

I believe her that she enjoys doing these things because I feel the same way about her. When I can, I really love nothing more than to GIVE HER THINGS. It really just makes me so happy. I have a running list, like a written list, that I keep of all the things that I want to buy for her, or give to her, or do for her or with her. So I totally get it. Giving to someone you love is extremely fun and rewarding.

But there's a stubborn, prideful part of me, and perhaps also the masochistic part of me (which is a big part of me, actually, but that's a different post) that feels...I don't know...something. A little sad, maybe?

Like, I know it's not a competition, and I know that there have been times when I've been more able to give, and have done, and I know that there will be times like that again, but...

I don't know, it's like I really want to be able to get myself whatever I need or want. Still a reaction to my Life Before, I guess. It feels SO important to me that, if there's something I want, even if someone else gets it or does it for me, I need to know that I could. Even if I won't, I could.

But then, what is that existence? One where you don't need anyone's help for anything? That doesn't really exist--we all need a bit of help sometimes-- and I know that's not really a world I'd want to live in.  It's such a wonderful thing, and I am so grateful, to have someone, Elle, in my life who wants to be there. Wants to give, wants to help, wants to make me happy.

It's scary, too.

I hate that my past haunts me like this, makes me scared to lean, scared to let someone help, let someone carry me sometimes, let someone give to me.  Before, I was told to stop asking for those things, so it's jarring that now, I can maybe actually have the supportive relationship I've always wanted to have.

I can let someone love me fully.

It takes some getting used to.

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