Friday, May 16, 2014


Hi lovelies.

Welllllllll I've been AWOL for a bit. There's been a lot going on.

As you might have guessed from my last post, I had a stretch there where I was feeling really down, kind of hopeless, just full of longing for "the rest of my life" to start, you know the feeling? Not fun. I've also got some (minor) health stuff going on that had knocked me off my feet for a while. Feeling better now, but it was an unpleasant few weeks.

Elle and I had also been having a hard time for a month or so. It's so hard for me to write about our relationship when things are really hard. Mostly out of respect for her, and us. I try to be very careful not to write something here about our relationship if she doesn't know it yet and I haven't said it, out loud, to her. She knows about this blog, she can read it if she wants to, and in some ways that makes it hard to write about her, but it also forces me to communicate wholly in my relationship, which is something I need. I used to hide on this blog--instead of talking to whomever about what was going wrong, I would write about it here, and stew and simmer and not be brave and TALK IT OUT.  I can't do that now, and I love that. It pushes me to be the kind of partner I know I should be, and the partner that Elle, and anyone, deserves. I can't ask her to be open and honest with me if I don't have to be. So in a way, this blog makes me have to be.

So. That's cool.

We celebrated our two year anniversary last weekend. I'm not surprised at all that we have been together for two years. It felt like an inevitability in the best way.  When we started dating, we talked alot about how the scariest thing for each of us was that we KNEW that this was going to be big. We knew it would be real and long-lasting, which is why it felt so momentous and scary to take the leap. And we've been right about that.

I see myself with Elle for a long time. I want to be with her for a long time. And that means a lot of things. It means opening myself up to the vulnerability of giving someone my heart, for them to do with it what they will. It means letting someone love me in a way that I still wonder if I entirely deserve (though of course, we all do, even me).  It means being honest and authentic and truly myself in a way that I have never, ever done before. It means allowing someone else to impact my life in deep and long-lasting ways. It means giving up the reins. It means letting go.

So here we go.

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