Am I a bitch?

Am I a bitch?

 

I wonder.

 

I stumbled upon something I wrote 8 years ago, when I was in the middle of a training experience that was horribly traumatic, due to the fact that I was in the process of realizing I was gay, in the process of realizing I had to leave my husband, in the process of my entire world crumbling such that I could rebuild it the way it needed to be built, and also, in the midst of all that, was being scapegoated by my fellow trainees because I would...say honest things and thought that others were being honest when they spoke to me.

That's a bit of a simplification, because that's not really what this post is about, but that is the essence of what I was criticized for and told to stop doing, because it was too hard for everyone else. As I read some of my frustrated musings when all of that was going, I found myself wondering if the problem is just that I need to keep my mouth shut, because me saying things, even if they are true, even if I don't say them in an aggressive way, even if I say them from a place of vulnerability, is just something that people don't like. So is my insistence on speaking up, my insistence on being truthful, but not mean, my insistence on being real and not fake and (perhaps foolishly) trusting the version of others that they present to me and the world the problem?

Am I being a bitch by not just shutting up so everyone else is comfortable?

My entire childhood, and up until now, I have been told in hundreds of ways to just smile and be nice to look at, nothing more. Don't argue. Don't "talk back." Don't question. Don't assert. I was literally told by my mother a few months ago that "maybe it's not necessary to tell the truth all the time." I didn't stand quietly by while my girlfriend's father mansplained something to me, interrupted him to say "Yes, I know that." and he perceived me as being rude and disrespectful. I once got upset that my own father didn't understand why I would want to know how to fix something on my car myself. I told him that he upset me, and my mother cried to me asking how I could be so disrespectful to him. At work, now, I often will question things that my boss says that directly contradict what she said the week before, in staff meetings where we all are confused and stressed, and when questioned she will raise her voice and get pissed off because I'm trying to clarify, trying to understand, not pretending that I don't have a functioning brain of my own.

Am I a bitch?

No one has actually said this to my face. But what I have learned, should stop forgetting, is that no one really seems to say much to anyone's face. Not what they really mean, anyway. So I am left to wonder, and seem to be often wrong, these days.

I think I've lost my talent at being able to tell how I should be. I used to be much better at it. I never upset anyone. I never said the wrong thing, I adjusted and demured and agreed and swallowed my reactions and my words as easily and automatically as I breathe. But then I also felt like I was suffocating, I felt angry and resentful and trapped and stifled. I've fought out of that cage, but now I don't think I know how to be. I have lost my sense of timing for when it's going to feel ok for others if I speak. I don't know anymore how to be the person everyone likes all the time.

 

Is this something I should be sorry to lose? I don't know. I really, truly can't tell if this is a bad thing. I am straining against those old chains that tell me that it is, in fact, very bad not be so good at being good anymore.

I keep playing over in my head an interaction I had with a friend yesterday. He was complaining about something objectively positive that had happened to him, and I found his reaction extremely confusing and didn't hide that from him. I playfully (I thought) ribbed him about his negativity, made clear my opinion that he was undercutting his accomplishment, that he was negating the love and recognition he was getting. I felt that, as my friend of many years, he could handle this honesty, and that part of a good friendship is this kind of communication. But, maybe I am wrong. Is he today pissed off at my words? I don't know, and wouldn't have even considered that he would be, but my girlfriend commented in the moment that what I said to him was "a read." I play this moment back and wonder if I shouldn't have said anything to him. But then what should I have done? What should I have said? Perhaps just let him negate his achievements, nod and smile and say congratulations and don't share that I think he is selling himself short? Was it rude of me to tell him what I thought?

Should I not be saying what I think? Does NO ONE want that?? Do I just not know when to shut up?

Am I a bitch?

(Feel free to comment below your thoughts, as this is really not a rhetorical question. I'm so confused. Help!)


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Can't not.

Well. I finally NEED to write.

Why, you may wonder?

This weekend I'm packing up all of my stuff and moving it out of Elle's apartment.

Elle's apartment.

Not ours, anymore.

Was it ever?

I don't live there anymore. I haven't for awhile and it's better that I don't. Of course.

But.

The fact that this is what my weekend will be, that this weekend I will be packing my self out of that space where so much happened, where so much was gained, and lost, has rattled me. I feel awful. Depressed. I think I'm dehydrated. I feel fuzzy and sad and anxious and lonely and also ready for it to just be done.

I feel out of sorts and like I don't understand what my life is. Why is this my life? How is this my life? I feel completely out of control and terrified. I also know that I did the best I could (whatever that means, whatever that's worth). That this needs to happen. Needed to happen. I know all of that.

I know that I have capital-g-capital-t Good Things happening, too. And I should be, and am, really fucking grateful for a lot of things, for what I have, even as I feel so utterly, helplessly unmoored. I am grateful.

But I'm mad. I'm mad that everything is so hard and that at the end of the day you always have to deal with your shit alone. No matter how much love you have, how many people are supporting you, how many things are good.

Still, at the end of the day only you can deal with your shit. Only you can lie in the bed you've made.

Unmade.

And it all hurts.

Even the good, right things hurt?

Ain't that a kick in the pants.

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Mormonsandgays.org

In high school, I had several Mormon friends.  In high school, no one was out as a gay person. At least not in my small social circle. Now, of course, almost everyone I was truly friends with in high school, including the male friend I went to prom with, has come out as gay, including myself.  Funny how that works out.

One of my Mormon high school friends was a "best friend." We talked every day, had lunch together, and ultimately, I attended the non-religious portion of her wedding celebration, as non-Mormons weren't allowed to witness the actual ceremony.  I say this just to highlight that we were close.

At this point, I haven't seen this friend in...probably 8 years? Maybe more.   All of our interaction now is via facebook, and from this, I know that she has 4 children, lives on the west coast, and fervently supported Mitt Romney.  I have not come out to her, but if you look at my facebook page these days, it's very, very obvious that I am gay.

Today, I posted a link on facebook to this picture of an older, interracial gay couple looking overjoyed together at the prospect of being able to get married in Washington state, after over 40 years together.

 This friend commented on the picture, saying something fairly off-color, I think, but I won't quote her here on the off chance that she somehow comes across this very gay blog. The point is that she clearly saw that I posted that picture, and that I was in support of what the picture represents--marriage equality. I commented back in a light-hearted way, in an attempt to not let her weird comment sour the post. Keepin' it light, and all that.

An hour later, she posts a link to this website: Mormonsandgays.org. With no comment. Just a link.

She has NEVER posted anything about gay-ness on her page, and has never before commented on any of the many gay things I post regularly.  But she posts this today. And of course I clicked through.

And it made me sad, what I read. Here's a sample:

Attraction to those of the same sex, however, should not be viewed as a disease or illness. We must not judge anyone for the feelings they experience. Members of the Church who have same-sex attractions, but don’t act on them, can continue to enjoy full fellowship in the church, which includes holding the priesthood, carrying out callings, and attending the temple. Unlike in times past, the Church does not necessarily advise those with same-sex attraction to
marry those of the opposite sex. Same-sex attraction itself is not a sin, but yielding to it is. However, through repentance Jesus Christ will offer forgiveness.

And it goes on, and on, from there.

My reaction to this is confusion and sadness and anger and indignation.  Does this religious organization actually think that having a pastel-hued website for gay people, in which they calmly and lovingly say that it's okay if you're gay, as long as you live your entire life without ever having a sexual relationship, because you can't have sex unless your married, and oh, by the way, marriage is only for a man and a woman, but you can do it, we know you can, because this is your mortal test, and marrying someone of the same sex is morally wrong, and we know it's hard, but don't you worry, we love you!--do they really think that this is supposed to be a comfort??

Really!?? <<insert "Really!!???!! with Seth and Amy" gif here>>

I am baffled, and incensed, and very curious if gay Mormons read that website and are left with a sense of relief and support. I don't see how, unless they somehow fail to notice that between the pretty, well-written lines is an upsetting, depressing message of rejection and support of inequality.

I wonder what my high school friend thinks of this message. I assume that she supports it. I hope that I am wrong.

I would be very curious to hear others' reactions to this--feel free to comment.

February 19, 2011--Exuent.

Well, fuck.

I write from my new apartment, which I only arrived at at 7:30 am, after sleeping off my drunkenness from last night in my car from 4-7 am. I know... What the fuck. I'm a mess.

Last night, I ended up meeting up with 10 and her friends. She was beautiful, my boobs were out, I saw her looking, but she was a bit aloof with me. It turns out that this is because she’s in love with her straight friend J-e, who seems to be a bit in love with her too, from the looks of it, as she was draping herself all over 10 while her boyfriend looked on. All night. Huh.

So I basically observed 10.0 in the midst of the same horrible, heart-wrenching process that I am in with her. Cruel, cruel world.

At one very memorable moment in the night, the “straight” friend j was grinding on me face to face, with 10 grinding on her from behind, and j was very interested in learning all about me, possibly as a distraction from how much she was enjoying feeling 10 behind her. 10 and I made a lot of eye contact while this was going on…it was hot, but weird, since I still don’t know where I stand with her. What am I to her?? I really don’t know.

There was also a point where she dragged me up on the stage at the bar to dance, and that was nice, just to get to be so close to her.

At the end of the night, though, she said as she was putting me in a cab, “I might go to the upper west…” which is where ss lives. (oh, impt to note that earlier in the night 10 was again lamenting her relationship with ss, and how fucked up it is, how she doesn’t want to be in it but can’t leave her, etc.) I ask her why, why god why!? Her answer “b/c I want to have sex.” Yeah, don’t we all.

At some point I remember she also told me that she doesn’t want to have sex with straight girls. "With gay girls is better," she said.

Huh.

What if I’ve done all the reading??

Dear John, I Love Jane

Dear John, I Love Jane: Women Write About Leaving Men for Women by Candace Walsh and Laura Andre

This book is incredible.  I've been reading it slowly since July, and it has helped me to not feel so alone as I, at 29-30, awaken to being very, very gay. It is the most disorienting and amazing experience I’ve ever had, and I am not alone.  If you're going through anything similar, read this book.  How helpful it's been for me to read about what other women have experienced is part of why I'm sharing my experience here!

January 22, 2011--lesbian...?...

on wednesday of this week, i asked my husband how he would react if i told him that i needed to sleep with a woman, or a few, and that that's what i need to do right now, and that's that. i asked him this because i have realized that this is true. right now, i want to have sex with women.

i've realized that, even if things don't happen with 10.0, if i'm never able to tell her how i feel about her, if she never breaks it off with her girlfriend and i just have to love her and never have her, i still need to fuck some women.

i'm getting more used to this every day. last night, hubby and i watched a little porn, and i was really only interested in the lesbian stuff. and it got me hot, and quickly. hot and jealous. i was especially turned on by the two girls 69-ing each other. i want some pussy in my face. and i want a girl's tongue on my clit. there, i said it.

my husband actually said that he would be more okay with me needing to go outside the marriage for sex with women than sex with other men, so that's something, anyway. but now what? i can't move forward with 10.0, i really want to be respectful of her relationship, so i have to wait. she's driving me crazy and i want her so badly, but i must wait. i know that.

so then, where does that leave me? i need to find a woman who wants me and doesn't mind that i've never done this before. where do i find her? them? are there lesbian/bi women out there who don't mind showing an almost 30 y/o woman the ropes? i hope so. i need them.