Happy Gaysgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving lovelies!!

As my thanksgiving gift to you all, here is Episode 8 of New Lesbian: The Podcast for your listening pleasure as you try to avoid your family today!

Enjoy, I'm grateful for all of you!



It’s Thanksgaying at the New Lesbian podcast and Elle is a little drunk! In this episode we talk about how we handled yet another family gathering in the pseudo-south, the continued annoyance of having to endlessly come out, and how much of our hiding our relationship might be coming from…ourselves? Then it’s Props and Peeves, where we rant a little too much about Amtrak trains. We recorded this episode late at night, so bear with us, lovelies! Happy Thanksgiving!

Show Links:
Lesbian couple denied hotel room in Hawaii
New Lesbian blog post: Coming Out… Again
Daddy’s Out –www.daddysout.com  Twitter: @daddysout

---

Forever Links:
Send us your thoughts and questions on ask.fm!
Stitcher Radio app
New Lesbian blog
Advertise with us! Ediewyatt@gmail.com
DONATE: Help us buy a microphone!

Social Medias:
Twitter:  @edie_wyatt  |  @new_elle
New Lesbian on Facebook
Follow New Lesbian on Tumblr
Edie on Instagram

Follow @edie_wyatt

"Momma Says" by guest blogger Hunter Nhlapo

Lovelies!! Finally it's here, the first guest writer on New Lesbian!

This powerful and thoughtful piece is by Hunter Nhlapo, who writes at deathbyhoney.wordpress.com and is on Twitter at @h_nhlapo. Read more about  her in her bio at the end of this post. 

—————————————————

MOMMA SAYS...

 

My mom said something to me yesterday. This was in light of a topic that had suddenly illuminated my twitter timeline and initially broken my heart. You see unawares to myself, another black lesbian had been murdered in South Africa and I knew nothing about it. I, who had made it a habit to keep abreast of all things lesbian, light or heavy, celebratory or painful that occurred in this country in the small hope that my immersion into the culture would somehow help me in my transition. I was never ready for the embarrassment I felt from my lack of knowledge that yet another Lioness had fallen. Too caught up in my life of heavy rain and small fires . I'm ashamed that it took a trending topic to lure me back into my world and give me a wet slap of a wake up call. I'm ashamed still that I haven't gone to my usual sources to find out what actually occurred to snuff out the life of a woman who chose to live real and unfortunately died young. I am ashamed but thankful that the #homophobia hashtag started by Sly found me.

My mom has only experienced me as a lesbian for 4 months. Yes, prior to that my girlfriend and I had been visiting her monthly over weekends and even then, I suspect that for her it was merely a my-daughter-has-a-friend-over situation. I'm not saying that I hadn't come out to my mother, no. She knew that I had fallen in love and subsequently moved in with a woman almost two years ago. My visits to her with my girlfriend were not under false pretence. It was important to me that I showed my mom that I loved my girlfriend and that we were in a normal relationship. It was important to me that we remained authentic in relation to each other because if my mom was going to acclimatise herself to something, it would need to be the purest truth. But she still didn't see it that way, until I moved back home and was gay. The devil is in the detail I often hear and boy did satan make his rounds. A necessary evil that I am grateful for though because today my mother can say that she loves and accepts me for who I am, as is.

What she is struggling with is the having to deal with having a lesbian daughter on HER level. She says "I go to church to heal. Church makes me happy. Just the other day I asked the congregation to pray for me, and they did, although I did not tell them why". Apparently, although she has reached the point of being able to accept my being gay on my level, she has feelings of resentment and sadness with having to deal with it on her level. Her face is that of a woman who deeply loves but is strongly resentful when she tells me of being an outcast in groups that she so seamlessly fit into before. Her friends, family and peers have begun to show signs of change in their treatment of her whether it be subtle or outlandish. Her exhaustion she says comes from guarding her back and being defensive. "I am always thinking of comebacks, readying myself emotionally and mentally for hurled words. This is no way to live. Why is your lesbianism my problem? How do I feature into it?"

I've stopped myself from trying to  advise her on how to deal with it. I've wanted so many times to tell her that her peers will largely learn from her how to treat her with regards to this. Empty words really because I'm still having issues with walking hand in hand with my girlfriend at a mall without soft utterances or blatant stares. And me throwing mini tantrums over it. Sandton...Vaal Mall, anywhere. I guess it becomes better when I start not to care. I'm hoping the same lesson is revealing itself to my mom.

In the meantime, I'm grateful that my mother does not judge me for being who I am, even though it makes her life difficult.

 

Being a mom is tough.

-----------------------------------------------

Hi! I’m Hunter Nhlapo. I’m a singing entrepreneur from Johannesburg, South Africa.  I am also writing my first novel. I like to blog about my life experiences in first person and other people’s experiences from my own point of view.  My readers like to read about my encounters as a new lesbian, my struggles as a 30 year old starting over and articles from blogs I visit that Ifind interesting. I generally have a lot to say about everything. I think, I write.

Call for guest bloggers!

Hello lovelies!

I have some grand plans to actually finish my book this year, and while I do that (I'm really gonna) I would love to have some guest bloggers here on New Lesbian to keep things moving!

Do you have something to say about sexuality, being gay/queer, your experience of realizing that you were gay/queer, the coming out process, a dating tale, or any other experience you've had that you think it would be helpful for others to read about? Of course you do! 

Send me either your full piece or the first few paragraphs so I can get a feel for your writing, to ediewyatt@gmail.com with "Guest Blogger" and your topic in the subject line. If your piece seems like a good fit for New Lesbian, I'll be in touch! 

Fyi, any guest bloggers will obviously get promo for their own blogs/projects in their post, and some tweets too!

Can't wait to read and share your stories.

xx

Lesbian Hodgepodge (Episode 6 of the podcast!)

Hello lovelies! Episode 6 of the New Lesbian Podcast is here!

In this episode, Elle and I discuss some femme lesbian couples we are LOVING right now (specifically, Samira Wiley and Lauren Morelli from OITNB), and how seeing femme lesbians in the media matters. We answer some listener questions sent in from ask.fm, including how to prepare for moving in with your girlfriend, then it's a new segment, Peeves and Props, and everyone’s favorite, Who Would You Do: Grey’s Anatomy edition! newlesbianpodcast.wordpress.com




Episode Links:
Samira Wiley on Instagram
Lauren Morelli on Instagram
Samira and Lauren at the Emmys
Lauren Morelli’s open letter
Angel Haze Article
Props of the Week: Blue Stockings Boutique | @BlueStockingsBo
Peeve of the Week: “Faux Lesbian” Weddings? What do you think?
Who Would You Do suggestions? Put ‘em in the comments!

---

Forever Links:
Send us your thoughts and questions on ask.fm!
Stitcher Radio app
New Lesbian blog
Advertise with us! (ediewyatt@gmail.com)

Social Medias:
Twitter:  @edie_wyatt  |  @new_elle
New Lesbian on Facebook
Follow New Lesbian on Tumblr
Edie on Instagram

Help us buy a real microphone!

Follow @edie_wyatt

On Queerness (Podcast Episode 5)

Hi lovelies!

I wanted to share the most recent episode of the New Lesbian Podcast with you, called "Can I Be Queer Here." I'm really proud of it.  Elle and I talk about what being "queer" actually means.  There's a lot of misinformation that gets spread far and wide about what it means if someone identifies as queer, and we were inspired to do this episode after seeing up close and personal some of that misinformation being spread to thousands of people on twitter, and then being defended as truth.  It was really upsetting and disappointing to see, so we thought we would try to do something about it.

Please share this episode on your twitter and facebook--we all have to help educate people. Ignorance is the basis for so much of the discrimination in the world--fight back! (And now I'll get off my soap box.)

So, here is Episode 5 of the New Lesbian podcast. You can also listen on iTunes, SoundCloud, or any other podcast app!

xx



Links:
Edie’s Facebook friend: MJGardner.com
Derek Jarman (British Gay Rights Activist)
The Mighty Ducks Movie
Aaron Schwartz grew up nice
Emilio Estevez looked great in 1985
Send us your questions and tell us what you think on ask.fm!
Stitcher Radio app (please rate us if you like the show!)

Social Medias:
Twitter:  @edie_wyatt  |  @new_elle
New Lesbian on Facebook
Follow New Lesbian on Tumblr
Edie on Instagram

Follow @edie_wyatt

New Lesbian: The Podcast Episode 4!

Hello lovelies!
New Lesbian: The Podcast Episode 4 is here! (It's actually been here for awhile, but I never got a chance to do a post about it, oops). Listen in the player below, or on iTunes, Stitcher, Soundcloud, or whatever podcast app thingy you like! Show notes are below--this was a good one!

xx




In this episode we talk about Elle meeting ALL of Edie’s family on a visit to the South, during which Edie dissociated slightly, and why you shouldn’t start a detox when you’re introducing your girlfriend to your family. We also answer a listener question about what to do when you’re feeling scared about dating. Then it’s Who Would You Do: Orphan Black edition! (Watch that show, guys, it’s excellent.) newlesbianpodcast.wordpress.com

Links:
New Lesbian Blog post about Edie’s experiences at her parents’ house

Zaxby’s

Orphan Black (You can watch all of Season 1 free with Amazon Prime if you have it!)

Edie’s XOJane.com piece on bankruptcy

Send us your questions on ask.fm!

Social Medias:

Twitter:
@edie_wyatt     @new_elle

New Lesbian on Facebook

Follow New Lesbian on Tumblr

Edie on Instagram

Very feelings.

Hi lovelies,

It's been awhile, I know. Sorry to be AWOL-ish. A lot's been going on in the past month or so, some of which I want to write about here, and some of which I'm not ready to write about yet. Things I'm ready to write about, and am working on posts for, include:

• Elle and my trip down south, during which we stayed at my parents' house (in the same room! très scandaleux), and met an extremely large swath of my family, many of whom DID NOT EVEN KNOW I WAS DIVORCED, as it turns out. I'm trying to figure out the words to write about the experience. But I will. So stay tuned.

• The fact that Elle and I will be moving in together in about two months! This is a big announcement that probably shouldn't be reduced to a bullet point, but there will also be a nice long post about this MAJOR development. So much to say about that one.

Some things I'm not quite ready to write about/am not sure I SHOULD even write about in this space include:

• some health stuff I've got going on
• my disillusionment with New York
• my endless money woes
• how I've realized that my trust issues weave in and out of every aspect of my life more than I'd like to admit.

I mean, does one write about such things on a blog called New Lesbian? Shouldn't I be able to just decide that myself since it's my blog? One would think. But I find myself feeling...stuck and a bit confused and like this blog has gotten away from being what it used to be for me, and what it used to do, emotionally, for me.  That's no one's fault but my own, of course.

I think maybe I started to limit the scope of what I wrote about here as a defense against all the stuff that I really SHOULD be writing about.  And at this point in my life, a lot of that stuff doesn't have much to do with my gayness. I'm here, I'm queer, I'm used to it, and now I need to write about ALL THE OTHER SHIT. 

Can I do that here?  I think I feel like maybe that's not okay, or won't be okay, with you, the nameless, faceless, lovely person reading this.

Maybe I need to get over it. Maybe I'm underestimating all of you.

I'm gonna work on that. It's time to really open up again.

My soul needs it.

Stay tuned.

Follow @edie_wyatt

Pride Recap (and Episode 3)

Hi lovelies,
Well, pride has come and gone.  Elle and I had a very long, VERY hot, but ultimately great day at NYC Pride on Sunday, and I'm glad that I dragged myself out and celebrated. We of course missed seeing the OITNB float (endlessly crying over that) but we had a great brunch (so important), walked about 1000 miles trying to get around the parade (which I dubbed "the monster"), were delighted at the diversity and joy of the day, met up with some old friends and made some new ones, so all in all, a great, gay success.

We also recorded the next episode of the podcast over Pride weekend, and you can listen to that below if you're so inclined (show notes are below the player!). The episode is called "Clem"--10 'cool nerd' points to anyone who gets the reference before they listen! Put your guesses in the comments, I know I have some nerdy queer ladies lurking who know what's up :)

xx

In this episode of the New Lesbian podcast, we discuss our pride plans, our endless love for Tegan and Sara, and talk about some new-to-you reader/listener questions. Edie shares her experience with dental dams, and then it’s Who Would You Do: Buffy the Vampire Slayer Edition! Share your thoughts with us at newlesbianpodcast.wordpress.com

---

Links:

Tegan and Sara-So Jealous

World Pride, Toronto

Edie’s First Pride

Dyke March NYC

It Happened to Me-I Didn’t Know I Was A Lesbian (XoJane)

Great Article on Sexual Fluidity from NPR

Send us your questions on ask.fm!

Stitcher Radio app

New Lesbian blog

Social Medias:

Follow New Lesbian on Tumblr

Follow Elle @new_elle

Follow @edie_wyatt

HAPPY PRIDE!

Happy Pride lovelies!!

It's June, that time of year when all the gays frolic in the streets of their respective cities being loud and rainbow colored and proud of who they are. A lovely time.

But...so far all I've done to "celebrate" this wonderful and important month is go see Tegan and Sara twice in 3 days. That counts, though, right?

I have to admit, I've been feeling pretty lazy lately and just haven't been able to get myself fully into the pride spirit this year. Maybe it's because I've haven't been feeling 100%, maybe it's because I'm just fucking old and don't want to do the whole party thing anymore. Parties always end up being a really expensive and exhausting let down. Why not just celebrate pride by...being proud, you know?

I think I'll probably do the Dyke March this year, which has become a bit of a tradition with my group of queers, and might actually watch the parade this year instead of just being drunk somewhere while it marches past LOL. And maybe brunch?

Wow. Can't you just feel the enthusiasm??!!??

Anyway, what are you loves doing (or what HAVE you done?) to celebrate this month? Inspire me!

xx

(P.S. Elle and I will be recording another episode of the New Lesbian podcast this weekend, too! So keep your questions/comments/thoughts coming, and click here for a more podcast specific update.)

Follow @edie_wyatt

Podcast Episode 2!

In this episode of the New Lesbian podcast we answer listener questions about having sex with a girl for the first time, and the best things about dating women.  We discuss realistic lesbian portrayals on screen, our favorite lesbian sex scenes, and how Orange is the New Black continues to DO IT RIGHT. Also, Scissoring? Yes? No? How?
We have some slightly harsh words for Jodie Foster, and our first installment of “New Lesbian Story Time”, where Elle talks about sleepaway camp, and those pesky “boy attraction feelings” she had for another girl camp-mate.
Finally, Who Would You Do-Saved by the Bell edition, plus some nostalgia about why the show was important to Edie as a young black girl who has always loved blondies.
Please rate and share our podcast, it helps alot! 

Links:

The Straight Girls Guide to Sleeping with Chicks by Jen Sincero

Blue is the Warmest Color

Stitcher Radio app

Send us your questions on ask.fm!

Follow us on twitter: @edie_wyatt @new_elle

Follow New Lesbian on Tumblr

Got something to say about anything we said? Share your opinions in the comments, we'll talk about them next week!

xx

Podcast Episode 1 is here!

Hi lovelies!

The New Lesbian Podcast is finally here!

Listen to episodes right here, thanks to Stitcher Radio:


Check out the New Lesbian Podcast blog for show notes!

You can also listen on iTunes, Pocket Casts, or any other podcast app! (feed URL: http://feeds.feedburner.com/NewLesbianPodcastEpisodes)

(BIG NEWS: Elle finally has a twitter! She swears she will never actually tweet, but just in case, go find her at @new_elle!)

We'll be recording episode two soon, so keep your questions coming (ask.fm/ediewyatt) and thanks so much to those of you who've sent them in already!

xx

Follow @edie_wyatt

Relationship advice

I got a really great question on my ask.fm page, and though I answered it over there, I'm going to post it here too.  I feel like this one's important. (By the way, thanks so much to all of you who've been sending in questions!  Keep 'em coming, they'll be talked about in the first episode of the podcast, which Elle and I will be recording this week!)

“You recently wrote that you and your gf went through a tough time. Are things better now and if they are how did you get through it. I’m going through a rough time right now in my relationship and could use some advice”-Anonymous

Things are better between Elle and I now, but it took time.  I think we had about a month to a month and a half that were really hard, and we’ve had hard times before.  A lot of our issues both this time, and in the past, are about our communication—or, actually, about our LACK of communication.  We weren’t talking about how we were really feeling about a lot of things, and weren’t telling each other what we needed (both from the other person, and in our lives in general), and that led to a lot of the problems we were having.

The solution was TALKING. A lot. And talking honestly, and about things that made us feel vulnerable.  I think that each of us heard, and said, things that we maybe would have rather been kept inside, but if we had, we would have continued down a bad road for our relationship, because we would have been pretending that things were okay when they weren’t.

I don’t know the specifics of what’s happening in your relationship, of course, but whatever it is, the most important thing you can do to try to work through it is to talk to each other. About all of it. About every feeling and fear you’re having.  But I think it’s really important to point out that Elle and I didn’t FIGHT to work through our issues. Yes we got loud sometimes, and there were many tears, but you have to talk it out remembering that you’re both on the same team. Try to not to get nasty, unless the intention is for the relationship to end. I know from experience that the nasty things said in tough times leave deep and lasting wounds.  If both of you still want to be together, if you want to get past this tough time and still be together, make sure to remember that and remind each other of that. You have to remember that the whole reason why everything is happening between the two of you is because you love each other, and are trying to make it work, but maybe don’t know how or are scared.  Be kind, even as you are sharing your hurt, or hearing things that hurt you to hear.

I hope this helps, anon. Keep me posted?

xx

Follow @edie_wyatt

Podcast? Podcast.

Hi lovelies!

A few updates! First, I've finally created a Facebook page. I know, welcome to 2003, right? Anyway, I figured it was about time to stop leaving non-twitter people out :)

Second, I've been getting back into podcasts recently (and am always looking for new ones to try, any favorites to share? Leave 'em in the comments!) and I've noticed a real lack of the kind of queer podcast I'd want to listen to, soooo I've convinced Elle to be my co-host, and we're going to start the New Lesbian podcast soon!

We're thinking it'll be a mix of answering your questions and talking about things that are happening in the queer world. I hope you'll give it a listen, but first I hope you'll send in your relationship questions/sex questions/dating questions/discussion topics/anything you'd like to hear us talk about! 

Use my ask.fm page or comment below to submit your questions, etc, and make sure to leave your name (real or twitter) if you want a shoutout! 

Looking forward to starting to "talk" with all of you :)

xx

Heavy

Do you ever feel burdened by the steady, solid weight of your wanting?

So heavy, all this yearning.

Follow @edie_wyatt

Read this...and this...

Hi lovelies!
I wanted to give you all an update on some things I'm working on, so this is a bit of a housekeeping post.

First, I want to send you over to Medium.com, specifically to "The Lesbian Experience".  Medium is a site (I think it's kind of new) that lets you easily share your writing, in a space that's all about reading good shit. I dig it. The site is based around "Collections" which you can follow to more easily find writing that interests you, about topics that you care about.

As I've been clicking around over there (looking for the gay stuff, of course) I saw that there's a bit of a lack of collections focusing on the lesbian experience (whatever that means), so...I started one, to hopefully provide a central hub for that writing. I KNOW that some of you who lurk around here have amazing, impactful things to say and stories to tell, so I hope that you might consider writing something (about any aspect of your story) and submitting it to "The Lesbian Experience" collection so that others (and I!) can read your stories and learn from and support teach other! I'm pretty excited about this because I think it's a great way for those of you who don't want to bother with starting a blog to still be able to share your experiences, and have them be seen.  The single most helpful thing for me has been knowing that I'm not alone in whatever shit I'm dealing with, so I hope "The Lesbian Experience" collection can be a way to remind us all of that. We're not alone!

The second thing I want to clue you guys in on is that I've created a "Read This!" page where I'll be putting links to all the books I've talked about here (and some I haven't yet) that were meaningful for me that I think you should read, too. It's a work in progress, so check back there once in awhile for new recommendations.

Finally, I started in Instagram, also @edie_wyatt (like my twitter), so go follow me if you're on that and I'll follow you too! Obviously since Edie's my pseudonym there won't be any selfies (womp womp) but I really joined more to be able to see all the great gay stuff that's on instagram, and to have another way to connect with you lovelies. So, I'll see you on there <3

Finally finally I've been neglecting my tumblr (so. much. social. media. gaaaahhh), but am planning to get back on there now too, so...stay tuned!
xx

Follow @edie_wyatt

HerShe Magazine Feature!

Hi lovelies,
I realized that some of you probably aren't on twitter (why not, though? Get movin'!) so you might not have seen that a piece I wrote on Femme Invisibility is being featured on the new online magazine, HerShe!

I'm very proud of it, and think the issue of Femme Invisibility is not talked about nearly enough, so please go check it out! If you've been around for awhile, it'll be a bit familiar, as I based it off of a longer post that's here on the blog.

Have any of you out there experienced anything similar around how if you're a gay lady and you're feminine, you can end up feeling very unseen? I actually think it's a significantly bigger problem in the NYC gay scene...thoughts?

Follow @edie_wyatt

Married, Divorced and Gay by 30--Sneak Peek!

Hi lovelies!
Below is a sneak peek of my memoir, coming soon. As you'll see, things were...quite different a few years ago.

xx

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Married, Divorced, and Gay by 30: A memoir

by Edie Wyatt

----------------------------

About me (then): Edie, 24, Straight, Engaged, Grad Student, Confused

About me (now): Edie, 30-something, Lesbian, Divorced, Partnered, Degree'd, Awake

This is the story--in my own raw, brutally honest, sometimes cringe-inducing words--of how I got from then to now: engaged, then single, then married, then divorced, then gay by 30 years of age. I'm quite the over-achiever.

From 2006-2012, from age 24 to 31, I blogged about my life. This is that story, my messy memoir.

Identifying information has been changed to protect the innocent (and guilty).

--------------------------------------------------------------

YEAR ONE

February 21

release

I have a blog, but people I know, and who think they know me, read it. That used to be exciting, but now it's restricting, and makes me feel that I can't actually say what I need to say. That's surprising, but not really, because it just proves what I already know. I care too much what people think of me. That blog is not for me. It's for everyone else. This will be for me.

In my life I show people something incomplete. Something that is inauthentic in many ways, in that it's nowhere close to being whole. Why can't I show people who I really am?

I've been in therapy for a few months now, and it's funny. When I started going I felt like I didn't really need to be there, but it turns out I do. I'm engaged to be married—to Andrew—and I don't know if I’m doing the right thing. It's terrifying to me, and every day is a different battle in my head. Should I stay? Should I go? Am I asking too much? Don't I deserve more than this?

I live with him and I’m finding out more and more every day that maybe he's not who I thought he was in a lot of ways. He is caring in many ways, but uncaring in others. He makes me feel stupid for caring about what he says to me. He makes me feel like I have to beg him to admit when he does something wrong. My therapist today insinuated that I’m dealing with a narcissistic personality. As a student of psychology I know what that means and it scares me. He is arrogant. If I say/prove something (because I have to prove it, I can't just say I feel something, that's never enough) about something he's done, his first, always his first response is to explain to me why my reaction is not correct. He will see that he has hurt me horribly, and he cannot apologize.

I have said to him before, "I don't know if I can do this, be with you" and you know what he says? Not "I want to make you happy, how can I make you happy", but "Maybe you shouldn't be with me, then". I realized today in therapy what that really means. It means that he thinks the problem is with me. Not with us, not with him at all. If he wasn't so arrogant, wouldn't he say "I’m sorry I’m hurting you, I’m sorry I’m making you unhappy, how can I make you happy, because I want us to be together"? He hasn't said that to me. How can I stay with someone who can't say that to me?

A few weeks ago, I flat out begged him to tell me what I was doing wrong. I tried to play into his hand, let him seem all powerful and right, so that maybe then he would talk to me, tell what we need to do to make this work. He laughed in my face and shook his head. He said that he wouldn't tell me anything because he shouldn't have to explain it to me. Never mind that I needed him to explain, never mind that my body was racked with sobs and I sat before him emotionally beaten. I sat there willing to admit defeat and he can't move past his thought that I shouldn't need what I need. There is no we. I do all the work, he doesn't want me to call him on anything. He wants to be able to be his repressed, arrogant, in-denial self, and wants me to orbit him and take his shit. I do not orbit...

...and yet I do. How can this be? How did I end up here?

What do I do????


March 7

symptoms

Things have been...different lately. I think I’m going through a mild depression. At least, I hope that's what it is, because otherwise there's something that I’m less willing to deal with going on. I haven't wanted to have sex in over two weeks, probably in three now. A few nights ago I actually dawdled while getting ready for bed, hoping that he'd fall asleep and I wouldn't have to actively deny him sex. It worked. I was glad.

But it's not just the lack of sex drive that's cluing me in, though that is a big one, because I never really knew how someone would know if they had a decreased interest in sex, but it really slaps you across the face and you can't miss it...but it's more than that. I've been having a hard time getting going, I've been late to most things, and silly things have made me so distraught, like my hair. There've been days when I almost wanted to abandon all of my obligations, just so that I wouldn't have to deal with doing my hair. And I haven't wanted to do any of my work. This is different for me, because even at the start of the semester, I was excited to learn and was really looking forward to throwing myself into my work. Now I just want to throw myself onto the couch and curl up with a good hour or 3 of bad TV.

But some things make me think it's not depression, but it's him. I went away this weekend, into the city for some "girl time", and I felt alive. I couldn't wait to leave for the city, and when I got home after the weekend I immediately felt a heavy weight settle over me again. But then sometimes I look at him and I know that he loves me and that deep down he would take care of me. Will take care of me. Why can't I just be happy with him? Sometimes I am, but it's like it never quite gets there. There's something just out of reach, that used to be there, but I can't get to anymore...I don't think this is what's supposed to happen. But the thing is, I do want it to be that way for us again. I want to be excited to see him, to talk with him--I want to have the energy to pull things out of him, instead of being disgusted that I have to and feeling like I'd rather not bother.

Even now I feel like I’m cheating, sitting here typing this after a day with no fights, no yelling, no tears. It was a normal day. I cooked him dinner, we watched a movie, we said goodnight.

Nothing horrible. Nothing "wrong". And yet I’m sitting up writing about whether or not I should be with him?? What diagnosis does that fall under? It makes me feel so bad...will I just not let myself be happy?? (See, it really does sound like depression now, doesn't it?)


April 3

crush

Yikes.

So things have been going much better with me and Andrew. We had the big talk and I've been seeing and feeling that he really understands that he can't act any kind of way and that he knows now that I won't always be there if he acts like a fool, so things have been much better. I signed the contract for our wedding venue last week, we sent in the deposit check, and I actually feel excited about the wedding most of the time. I even ordered my dress.

But...

I met someone. Danny. I met him actually over a month ago, at the bar where Mel works, and I could feel an attraction there from the beginning, but I didn't really think I would see him again, it was just silly flirtation and I thought there was nothing that would come of it, so it was okay that I thought this guy was really attractive and interesting. Right?

Wrong.

Because now I've seen him a few more times, all at Mel’s bar. She’s always been there when we've met up, but yesterday went to another level, and I’m feeling pretty nervous about what happened.

First, I went to meet up with Mel on Saturday night, pretty specifically to meet up with Danny and his friends. I dressed up more than I usually do, and Andrew even commented on the fact that I looked so "hot" and I never dress up for him like that (which I don't think is really true, but I was trying to look good that night, and not for him, so I guess I can't act completely innocent). Anyway, I was extremely excited to see them, and then they didn't show. We called them, texted them, nothing. They had promised they were coming to see us, and they didn't. I was really pissed.

So then, the next morning, we get a text from Danny, saying he's sorry and we should meet up later. Aaaahhh! So Mel and I went back into the city, and ended up meeting up with him, just him, at Central Park. It was great. Perfect. And I felt really guilty. I had told Andrew that I was staying late to talk Mel through boy trouble, and it was a complete lie. I was actually staying late to go frolic in a gorgeous day with a gorgeous guy who is everything Andrew isn't that I've always thought I wanted. What am I doing??

He was charming, nice, interesting, interested, and respectful, and all of those things make me want to jump him. I thought about him all night, waking and sleeping. I’m now trying to figure out how I can keep justifying leaving Andrew at home all weekend so that I never have to share this amazing hot guy with the person I’m supposed to be marrying. It sounds so horrible. I mean, it's not like I don't want to get married, but I want to be single a little bit first, and I feel like this would be my chance and I don't know how I'll be able to take it.

But I really want to take it.

Really.

-------------------------------------------------------

 

YEAR SIX



January 11

queer

For the past few days, I've been trying on for size thinking of myself as "queer."

The way that I think about the word is similar to this definition from Wikipedia (underlining by me for emphasis):

Because of the context in which it was reclaimed, queer has sociopolitical connotations, and is often preferred by those who are activists; by those who strongly reject traditional gender identities; by those who reject distinct sexual identities such as gay, lesbian, bisexual, and straight; and by those who see themselves as oppressed by the heteronormativity of the larger culture. In this usage it retains the historical connotation of "outside the bounds of normal society" and can be construed as "breaking the rules for sex and gender". It can be preferred because of its ambiguity, which allows "queer"-identifying people to avoid the sometimes strict boundaries that surround other labels. In this context, "queer" is not a synonym for LGBT as it creates a space for "queer" heterosexuals as well as "non-queer" homosexuals.

Yup. That sounds about right.

And then, really, I'm not quite sure that queer = me either. Really, I identify right now as "Jamie-loving" more than anything else.

And then, of course, there's the fact that I don't really need to define myself as anything, for anyone. But I also am feeling a need to define what's going on with me right now for me.

But I know what's going on right now. That mystery's been solved, my friends.

I met a woman who I am falling in love with.

The end.

-----------------

Read more of the story in my memoir, "Married, Divorced, and Gay by 30", coming soon!

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Married, Divorced, and Gay by 30-my book (cover)!

It's my book cover, y'all!

I am so excited to finally share with all of you the final cover design for my memoir, "Married, Divorced, and Gay by 30".  It was designed by Kim Carmel, and I hope you like it!

Now begins the big push. I'm trying to work on the book every day, but I have to admit, I keep psyching myself out. Like, why the fuck will anyone care about my life, you know? But I know that it's a good story, part cautionary tale, part bat-shit crazy, part "omg how do I have sex with ladies?!" and part...well, happy ending, I guess :) So I'm gonna put it out there, and I'll let you lovelies be the judge. *wipes flop sweat from forehead*

I've put a teaser sampler up on Goodreads.com if you'd like a taste of the VERY different place my story starts than where this blog picked up.  If you like it, let me know by clicking "like" on Goodreads--that's how I'll know if you want MOAR TEASERS.

Thanks for your support you guys!

xx

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on Sochi

I love the Olympics. I still have memories of staying up until 2 am as a kid, watching the primetime Olympic coverage to the very end almost every night, if I could get away with it. I love the stories, the drama, watching people who've spent their entire lives working toward Olympic gold triumphing or failing, and the beauty and humanity of the entire spectacle. 

I. Love. Me. Some. Olympics.

I'm feeling a bit unsure about them this year, though. As you probably know, Russia has a new anti-gay law that bans "propaganda of nontraditional sexual relations to minors" i.e. "distributing information among minors that 1) is aimed at the creating nontraditional sexual attitudes, 2) makes nontraditional sexual relations attractive, 3) equates the social value of traditional and nontraditional sexual relations, or 4) creates an interest in nontraditional sexual relations".   Breaking this law can result in hefty fines or jail time.  But in actuality, what this law has done is make it open season on gays in Russia. Hate crimes against gay people in Russia are rampant, are often perpetuated by Russian officials, and the perpetrators of these crimes are not being arrested or in any way disciplined. The gay people they are victimizing are considered the criminals. This, is, obviously, despicable.

Also, last month, another law was being proposed by Russian lawmaker Alexei  Zhuravlyov to strip parenting rights from gay parents who used to be in straight relationships. He says: "In case any parent openly propagates homosexuality and only in this case, if the family splits, a child should exclusively stay with a parent who has heterosexual way of life." I MEAN....What the fuck.

And yet, this place, Russia, where such enormous human rights violations are occurring, is hosting the world's biggest sporting event, where all nations are supposed to come together, put aside their differences, and bond over our shared humanity.

Something's not adding up.

Of course, many human rights groups, governments, and more recently, corporations, are denouncing Russia's laws and calling for a boycott of the Olympics. And a large part of me feels that that's the right thing to do. But what about all of the gay athletes? What are they supposed to do?? They've worked, some of them, their entire lives for the chance to compete in an Olympic Games--how could they just NOT GO??

A few months ago, Johnny Weir, an openly gay figure skater, addressed this question and explained why he feels that athletes, gay or straight, shouldn't boycott the games. Here he is on Keith Olbermann (wearing a Russian military uniform, BY THE WAY):

If you don't want to watch that (like if you happen to find Johnny Weir insufferable...I sometimes find him pompous, and sometimes find him wonderful...it's very confusing), basically he said that it would invalidate all of the sacrifices his family had made for him, and negate his entire life's work, for him to boycott the Olympics, and that this is true for every athlete. He also said that even if people/athletes do boycott the games, the games will still happen, and that not going would give the propaganda more strength. He's saying that, by going, by showing up, specifically as a gay athlete, he will be making a powerful statement. And I get that. But, that being said, Johnny Weir is not actually competing.  He didn't register for the qualifying competition that determined the Olympic team, which strikes me as....odd. If you've spent your whole life as an athlete, why would you not register to qualify for the Olympics???? He will be there though, doing commentary for NBC, but still...weird.

I digress. This post is not supposed to be about Johnny Weir, my bad.

So, my favorite reaction to Russia's terrible politics is that of President Obama, and his decision to send a US delegation with several openly-gay members to the Olympics (including Brian Boitano, who came out publicly as a gay man after being appointed to the delegation--love it), while no one from the president's or vice-president's families will attend. OH SNAP. Read more about this here and here .

Speaking of figure skating (it might be kind of obvious at this point that I really like figure skating?...I really like figure skating, not in small part because it is filled to the brim with gays and I love it), SNL did a great sketch about how things might go if the US tried to make sure that none of the male skaters could be perceived as gay.

Bleak.

The Canadian Institute of Diversity and Inclusion put out this great PSA about how the Olympics "have always been a little gay", which, I mean, OBVIOUSLY. It's just 30 seconds of 2 dudes getting ready to luge. Perfection.

So, with all of this said, I'm still going to watch the Olympics, and will probably watch a LOT of Olympics, and will still love seeing the human drama play out and will love seeing people achieve their dreams and will fiercely root for the underdog. But I'll watch it all with a since of...unease. Because a lot of wrong is happening in Sochi.

But this 

Norwegian Curling Team

will also happen in Sochi, and I am SO HERE FOR THAT.

What are your thoughts on all this? Talk to me, lovelies.

xx

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