Hi lovelies!
I wanted to give you all an update on some things I'm working on, so this is a bit of a housekeeping post.
First, I want to send you over to Medium.com, specifically to "The Lesbian Experience". Medium is a site (I think it's kind of new) that lets you easily share your writing, in a space that's all about reading good shit. I dig it. The site is based around "Collections" which you can follow to more easily find writing that interests you, about topics that you care about.
As I've been clicking around over there (looking for the gay stuff, of course) I saw that there's a bit of a lack of collections focusing on the lesbian experience (whatever that means), so...I started one, to hopefully provide a central hub for that writing. I KNOW that some of you who lurk around here have amazing, impactful things to say and stories to tell, so I hope that you might consider writing something (about any aspect of your story) and submitting it to "The Lesbian Experience" collection so that others (and I!) can read your stories and learn from and support teach other! I'm pretty excited about this because I think it's a great way for those of you who don't want to bother with starting a blog to still be able to share your experiences, and have them be seen. The single most helpful thing for me has been knowing that I'm not alone in whatever shit I'm dealing with, so I hope "The Lesbian Experience" collection can be a way to remind us all of that. We're not alone!
The second thing I want to clue you guys in on is that I've created a "Read This!" page where I'll be putting links to all the books I've talked about here (and some I haven't yet) that were meaningful for me that I think you should read, too. It's a work in progress, so check back there once in awhile for new recommendations.
Finally, I started in Instagram, also @edie_wyatt (like my twitter), so go follow me if you're on that and I'll follow you too! Obviously since Edie's my pseudonym there won't be any selfies (womp womp) but I really joined more to be able to see all the great gay stuff that's on instagram, and to have another way to connect with you lovelies. So, I'll see you on there <3
Finally finally I've been neglecting my tumblr (so. much. social. media. gaaaahhh), but am planning to get back on there now too, so...stay tuned!
xx
Follow @edie_wyatt
Showing posts with label read this. Show all posts
Showing posts with label read this. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
HerShe Magazine Feature!
Hi lovelies,
I realized that some of you probably aren't on twitter (why not, though? Get movin'!) so you might not have seen that a piece I wrote on Femme Invisibility is being featured on the new online magazine, HerShe!
I'm very proud of it, and think the issue of Femme Invisibility is not talked about nearly enough, so please go check it out! If you've been around for awhile, it'll be a bit familiar, as I based it off of a longer post that's here on the blog.
Have any of you out there experienced anything similar around how if you're a gay lady and you're feminine, you can end up feeling very unseen? I actually think it's a significantly bigger problem in the NYC gay scene...thoughts?
Follow @edie_wyatt
I realized that some of you probably aren't on twitter (why not, though? Get movin'!) so you might not have seen that a piece I wrote on Femme Invisibility is being featured on the new online magazine, HerShe!
I'm very proud of it, and think the issue of Femme Invisibility is not talked about nearly enough, so please go check it out! If you've been around for awhile, it'll be a bit familiar, as I based it off of a longer post that's here on the blog.
Have any of you out there experienced anything similar around how if you're a gay lady and you're feminine, you can end up feeling very unseen? I actually think it's a significantly bigger problem in the NYC gay scene...thoughts?
Follow @edie_wyatt
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Married, Divorced and Gay by 30--Sneak Peek!
Hi lovelies!
Below is a sneak peek of my memoir, coming soon. As you'll see, things were...quite different a few years ago.
xx
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
About me (then): Edie, 24, Straight, Engaged, Grad Student, Confused
About me (now): Edie, 30-something, Lesbian, Divorced, Partnered, Degree'd, Awake
This is the story--in my own raw, brutally honest, sometimes cringe-inducing words--of how I got from then to now: engaged, then single, then married, then divorced, then gay by 30 years of age. I'm quite the over-achiever.
From 2006-2012, from age 24 to 31, I blogged about my life. This is that story, my messy memoir.
Identifying information has been changed to protect the innocent (and guilty).
YEAR ONE
February 21
release
I have a blog, but people I know, and who think they know me, read it. That used to be exciting, but now it's restricting, and makes me feel that I can't actually say what I need to say. That's surprising, but not really, because it just proves what I already know. I care too much what people think of me. That blog is not for me. It's for everyone else. This will be for me.
In my life I show people something incomplete. Something that is inauthentic in many ways, in that it's nowhere close to being whole. Why can't I show people who I really am?
I've been in therapy for a few months now, and it's funny. When I started going I felt like I didn't really need to be there, but it turns out I do. I'm engaged to be married—to Andrew—and I don't know if I’m doing the right thing. It's terrifying to me, and every day is a different battle in my head. Should I stay? Should I go? Am I asking too much? Don't I deserve more than this?
I live with him and I’m finding out more and more every day that maybe he's not who I thought he was in a lot of ways. He is caring in many ways, but uncaring in others. He makes me feel stupid for caring about what he says to me. He makes me feel like I have to beg him to admit when he does something wrong. My therapist today insinuated that I’m dealing with a narcissistic personality. As a student of psychology I know what that means and it scares me. He is arrogant. If I say/prove something (because I have to prove it, I can't just say I feel something, that's never enough) about something he's done, his first, always his first response is to explain to me why my reaction is not correct. He will see that he has hurt me horribly, and he cannot apologize.
I have said to him before, "I don't know if I can do this, be with you" and you know what he says? Not "I want to make you happy, how can I make you happy", but "Maybe you shouldn't be with me, then". I realized today in therapy what that really means. It means that he thinks the problem is with me. Not with us, not with him at all. If he wasn't so arrogant, wouldn't he say "I’m sorry I’m hurting you, I’m sorry I’m making you unhappy, how can I make you happy, because I want us to be together"? He hasn't said that to me. How can I stay with someone who can't say that to me?
A few weeks ago, I flat out begged him to tell me what I was doing wrong. I tried to play into his hand, let him seem all powerful and right, so that maybe then he would talk to me, tell what we need to do to make this work. He laughed in my face and shook his head. He said that he wouldn't tell me anything because he shouldn't have to explain it to me. Never mind that I needed him to explain, never mind that my body was racked with sobs and I sat before him emotionally beaten. I sat there willing to admit defeat and he can't move past his thought that I shouldn't need what I need. There is no we. I do all the work, he doesn't want me to call him on anything. He wants to be able to be his repressed, arrogant, in-denial self, and wants me to orbit him and take his shit. I do not orbit...
...and yet I do. How can this be? How did I end up here?
What do I do????
March 7
symptoms
Things have been...different lately. I think I’m going through a mild depression. At least, I hope that's what it is, because otherwise there's something that I’m less willing to deal with going on. I haven't wanted to have sex in over two weeks, probably in three now. A few nights ago I actually dawdled while getting ready for bed, hoping that he'd fall asleep and I wouldn't have to actively deny him sex. It worked. I was glad.
But it's not just the lack of sex drive that's cluing me in, though that is a big one, because I never really knew how someone would know if they had a decreased interest in sex, but it really slaps you across the face and you can't miss it...but it's more than that. I've been having a hard time getting going, I've been late to most things, and silly things have made me so distraught, like my hair. There've been days when I almost wanted to abandon all of my obligations, just so that I wouldn't have to deal with doing my hair. And I haven't wanted to do any of my work. This is different for me, because even at the start of the semester, I was excited to learn and was really looking forward to throwing myself into my work. Now I just want to throw myself onto the couch and curl up with a good hour or 3 of bad TV.
But some things make me think it's not depression, but it's him. I went away this weekend, into the city for some "girl time", and I felt alive. I couldn't wait to leave for the city, and when I got home after the weekend I immediately felt a heavy weight settle over me again. But then sometimes I look at him and I know that he loves me and that deep down he would take care of me. Will take care of me. Why can't I just be happy with him? Sometimes I am, but it's like it never quite gets there. There's something just out of reach, that used to be there, but I can't get to anymore...I don't think this is what's supposed to happen. But the thing is, I do want it to be that way for us again. I want to be excited to see him, to talk with him--I want to have the energy to pull things out of him, instead of being disgusted that I have to and feeling like I'd rather not bother.
Even now I feel like I’m cheating, sitting here typing this after a day with no fights, no yelling, no tears. It was a normal day. I cooked him dinner, we watched a movie, we said goodnight.
Nothing horrible. Nothing "wrong". And yet I’m sitting up writing about whether or not I should be with him?? What diagnosis does that fall under? It makes me feel so bad...will I just not let myself be happy?? (See, it really does sound like depression now, doesn't it?)
April 3
crush
Yikes.
So things have been going much better with me and Andrew. We had the big talk and I've been seeing and feeling that he really understands that he can't act any kind of way and that he knows now that I won't always be there if he acts like a fool, so things have been much better. I signed the contract for our wedding venue last week, we sent in the deposit check, and I actually feel excited about the wedding most of the time. I even ordered my dress.
But...
I met someone. Danny. I met him actually over a month ago, at the bar where Mel works, and I could feel an attraction there from the beginning, but I didn't really think I would see him again, it was just silly flirtation and I thought there was nothing that would come of it, so it was okay that I thought this guy was really attractive and interesting. Right?
Wrong.
Because now I've seen him a few more times, all at Mel’s bar. She’s always been there when we've met up, but yesterday went to another level, and I’m feeling pretty nervous about what happened.
First, I went to meet up with Mel on Saturday night, pretty specifically to meet up with Danny and his friends. I dressed up more than I usually do, and Andrew even commented on the fact that I looked so "hot" and I never dress up for him like that (which I don't think is really true, but I was trying to look good that night, and not for him, so I guess I can't act completely innocent). Anyway, I was extremely excited to see them, and then they didn't show. We called them, texted them, nothing. They had promised they were coming to see us, and they didn't. I was really pissed.
So then, the next morning, we get a text from Danny, saying he's sorry and we should meet up later. Aaaahhh! So Mel and I went back into the city, and ended up meeting up with him, just him, at Central Park. It was great. Perfect. And I felt really guilty. I had told Andrew that I was staying late to talk Mel through boy trouble, and it was a complete lie. I was actually staying late to go frolic in a gorgeous day with a gorgeous guy who is everything Andrew isn't that I've always thought I wanted. What am I doing??
He was charming, nice, interesting, interested, and respectful, and all of those things make me want to jump him. I thought about him all night, waking and sleeping. I’m now trying to figure out how I can keep justifying leaving Andrew at home all weekend so that I never have to share this amazing hot guy with the person I’m supposed to be marrying. It sounds so horrible. I mean, it's not like I don't want to get married, but I want to be single a little bit first, and I feel like this would be my chance and I don't know how I'll be able to take it.
But I really want to take it.
Really.
January 11
queer
For the past few days, I've been trying on for size thinking of myself as "queer."
The way that I think about the word is similar to this definition from Wikipedia (underlining by me for emphasis):
Because of the context in which it was reclaimed, queer has sociopolitical connotations, and is often preferred by those who are activists; by those who strongly reject traditional gender identities; by those who reject distinct sexual identities such as gay, lesbian, bisexual, and straight; and by those who see themselves as oppressed by the heteronormativity of the larger culture. In this usage it retains the historical connotation of "outside the bounds of normal society" and can be construed as "breaking the rules for sex and gender". It can be preferred because of its ambiguity, which allows "queer"-identifying people to avoid the sometimes strict boundaries that surround other labels. In this context, "queer" is not a synonym for LGBT as it creates a space for "queer" heterosexuals as well as "non-queer" homosexuals.
Yup. That sounds about right.
And then, really, I'm not quite sure that queer = me either. Really, I identify right now as "Jamie-loving" more than anything else.
Read more of the story in my memoir, "Married, Divorced, and Gay by 30", coming soon!
Follow @edie_wyatt
Below is a sneak peek of my memoir, coming soon. As you'll see, things were...quite different a few years ago.
xx
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Married, Divorced, and Gay by 30: A memoir
by Edie Wyatt
----------------------------
About me (then): Edie, 24, Straight, Engaged, Grad Student, Confused
About me (now): Edie, 30-something, Lesbian, Divorced, Partnered, Degree'd, Awake
This is the story--in my own raw, brutally honest, sometimes cringe-inducing words--of how I got from then to now: engaged, then single, then married, then divorced, then gay by 30 years of age. I'm quite the over-achiever.
From 2006-2012, from age 24 to 31, I blogged about my life. This is that story, my messy memoir.
Identifying information has been changed to protect the innocent (and guilty).
--------------------------------------------------------------
February 21
release
I have a blog, but people I know, and who think they know me, read it. That used to be exciting, but now it's restricting, and makes me feel that I can't actually say what I need to say. That's surprising, but not really, because it just proves what I already know. I care too much what people think of me. That blog is not for me. It's for everyone else. This will be for me.
In my life I show people something incomplete. Something that is inauthentic in many ways, in that it's nowhere close to being whole. Why can't I show people who I really am?
I've been in therapy for a few months now, and it's funny. When I started going I felt like I didn't really need to be there, but it turns out I do. I'm engaged to be married—to Andrew—and I don't know if I’m doing the right thing. It's terrifying to me, and every day is a different battle in my head. Should I stay? Should I go? Am I asking too much? Don't I deserve more than this?
I live with him and I’m finding out more and more every day that maybe he's not who I thought he was in a lot of ways. He is caring in many ways, but uncaring in others. He makes me feel stupid for caring about what he says to me. He makes me feel like I have to beg him to admit when he does something wrong. My therapist today insinuated that I’m dealing with a narcissistic personality. As a student of psychology I know what that means and it scares me. He is arrogant. If I say/prove something (because I have to prove it, I can't just say I feel something, that's never enough) about something he's done, his first, always his first response is to explain to me why my reaction is not correct. He will see that he has hurt me horribly, and he cannot apologize.
I have said to him before, "I don't know if I can do this, be with you" and you know what he says? Not "I want to make you happy, how can I make you happy", but "Maybe you shouldn't be with me, then". I realized today in therapy what that really means. It means that he thinks the problem is with me. Not with us, not with him at all. If he wasn't so arrogant, wouldn't he say "I’m sorry I’m hurting you, I’m sorry I’m making you unhappy, how can I make you happy, because I want us to be together"? He hasn't said that to me. How can I stay with someone who can't say that to me?
A few weeks ago, I flat out begged him to tell me what I was doing wrong. I tried to play into his hand, let him seem all powerful and right, so that maybe then he would talk to me, tell what we need to do to make this work. He laughed in my face and shook his head. He said that he wouldn't tell me anything because he shouldn't have to explain it to me. Never mind that I needed him to explain, never mind that my body was racked with sobs and I sat before him emotionally beaten. I sat there willing to admit defeat and he can't move past his thought that I shouldn't need what I need. There is no we. I do all the work, he doesn't want me to call him on anything. He wants to be able to be his repressed, arrogant, in-denial self, and wants me to orbit him and take his shit. I do not orbit...
...and yet I do. How can this be? How did I end up here?
What do I do????
March 7
symptoms
Things have been...different lately. I think I’m going through a mild depression. At least, I hope that's what it is, because otherwise there's something that I’m less willing to deal with going on. I haven't wanted to have sex in over two weeks, probably in three now. A few nights ago I actually dawdled while getting ready for bed, hoping that he'd fall asleep and I wouldn't have to actively deny him sex. It worked. I was glad.
But it's not just the lack of sex drive that's cluing me in, though that is a big one, because I never really knew how someone would know if they had a decreased interest in sex, but it really slaps you across the face and you can't miss it...but it's more than that. I've been having a hard time getting going, I've been late to most things, and silly things have made me so distraught, like my hair. There've been days when I almost wanted to abandon all of my obligations, just so that I wouldn't have to deal with doing my hair. And I haven't wanted to do any of my work. This is different for me, because even at the start of the semester, I was excited to learn and was really looking forward to throwing myself into my work. Now I just want to throw myself onto the couch and curl up with a good hour or 3 of bad TV.
But some things make me think it's not depression, but it's him. I went away this weekend, into the city for some "girl time", and I felt alive. I couldn't wait to leave for the city, and when I got home after the weekend I immediately felt a heavy weight settle over me again. But then sometimes I look at him and I know that he loves me and that deep down he would take care of me. Will take care of me. Why can't I just be happy with him? Sometimes I am, but it's like it never quite gets there. There's something just out of reach, that used to be there, but I can't get to anymore...I don't think this is what's supposed to happen. But the thing is, I do want it to be that way for us again. I want to be excited to see him, to talk with him--I want to have the energy to pull things out of him, instead of being disgusted that I have to and feeling like I'd rather not bother.
Even now I feel like I’m cheating, sitting here typing this after a day with no fights, no yelling, no tears. It was a normal day. I cooked him dinner, we watched a movie, we said goodnight.
Nothing horrible. Nothing "wrong". And yet I’m sitting up writing about whether or not I should be with him?? What diagnosis does that fall under? It makes me feel so bad...will I just not let myself be happy?? (See, it really does sound like depression now, doesn't it?)
April 3
crush
Yikes.
So things have been going much better with me and Andrew. We had the big talk and I've been seeing and feeling that he really understands that he can't act any kind of way and that he knows now that I won't always be there if he acts like a fool, so things have been much better. I signed the contract for our wedding venue last week, we sent in the deposit check, and I actually feel excited about the wedding most of the time. I even ordered my dress.
But...
I met someone. Danny. I met him actually over a month ago, at the bar where Mel works, and I could feel an attraction there from the beginning, but I didn't really think I would see him again, it was just silly flirtation and I thought there was nothing that would come of it, so it was okay that I thought this guy was really attractive and interesting. Right?
Wrong.
Because now I've seen him a few more times, all at Mel’s bar. She’s always been there when we've met up, but yesterday went to another level, and I’m feeling pretty nervous about what happened.
First, I went to meet up with Mel on Saturday night, pretty specifically to meet up with Danny and his friends. I dressed up more than I usually do, and Andrew even commented on the fact that I looked so "hot" and I never dress up for him like that (which I don't think is really true, but I was trying to look good that night, and not for him, so I guess I can't act completely innocent). Anyway, I was extremely excited to see them, and then they didn't show. We called them, texted them, nothing. They had promised they were coming to see us, and they didn't. I was really pissed.
So then, the next morning, we get a text from Danny, saying he's sorry and we should meet up later. Aaaahhh! So Mel and I went back into the city, and ended up meeting up with him, just him, at Central Park. It was great. Perfect. And I felt really guilty. I had told Andrew that I was staying late to talk Mel through boy trouble, and it was a complete lie. I was actually staying late to go frolic in a gorgeous day with a gorgeous guy who is everything Andrew isn't that I've always thought I wanted. What am I doing??
He was charming, nice, interesting, interested, and respectful, and all of those things make me want to jump him. I thought about him all night, waking and sleeping. I’m now trying to figure out how I can keep justifying leaving Andrew at home all weekend so that I never have to share this amazing hot guy with the person I’m supposed to be marrying. It sounds so horrible. I mean, it's not like I don't want to get married, but I want to be single a little bit first, and I feel like this would be my chance and I don't know how I'll be able to take it.
But I really want to take it.
Really.
-------------------------------------------------------
YEAR SIX
January 11
queer
For the past few days, I've been trying on for size thinking of myself as "queer."
The way that I think about the word is similar to this definition from Wikipedia (underlining by me for emphasis):
Because of the context in which it was reclaimed, queer has sociopolitical connotations, and is often preferred by those who are activists; by those who strongly reject traditional gender identities; by those who reject distinct sexual identities such as gay, lesbian, bisexual, and straight; and by those who see themselves as oppressed by the heteronormativity of the larger culture. In this usage it retains the historical connotation of "outside the bounds of normal society" and can be construed as "breaking the rules for sex and gender". It can be preferred because of its ambiguity, which allows "queer"-identifying people to avoid the sometimes strict boundaries that surround other labels. In this context, "queer" is not a synonym for LGBT as it creates a space for "queer" heterosexuals as well as "non-queer" homosexuals.
Yup. That sounds about right.
And then, really, I'm not quite sure that queer = me either. Really, I identify right now as "Jamie-loving" more than anything else.
And then, of course, there's the fact that I don't really need to define myself
as anything, for anyone. But I also am feeling a need to define what's
going on with me right now for me.
But I know what's going on right now. That mystery's been solved, my friends.
I met a woman who I am falling in love with.
The end.
-----------------
Read more of the story in my memoir, "Married, Divorced, and Gay by 30", coming soon!
Follow @edie_wyatt
Friday, February 28, 2014
Married, Divorced, and Gay by 30-my book (cover)!
It's my book cover, y'all!
I am so excited to finally share with all of you the final cover design for my memoir, "Married, Divorced, and Gay by 30". It was designed by Kim Carmel, and I hope you like it!
Now begins the big push. I'm trying to work on the book every day, but I have to admit, I keep psyching myself out. Like, why the fuck will anyone care about my life, you know? But I know that it's a good story, part cautionary tale, part bat-shit crazy, part "omg how do I have sex with ladies?!" and part...well, happy ending, I guess :) So I'm gonna put it out there, and I'll let you lovelies be the judge. *wipes flop sweat from forehead*
I've put a teaser sampler up on Goodreads.com if you'd like a taste of the VERY different place my story starts than where this blog picked up. If you like it, let me know by clicking "like" on Goodreads--that's how I'll know if you want MOAR TEASERS.
Thanks for your support you guys!
xx
Monday, October 14, 2013
xoJane-It Happened to Me...
Hi lovelies,
Big news! On Saturday, online mag XOJane published a piece I had submitted to their "It Happened to Me" series. My submission? "It Happened to Me--I Didn't Know I Was a Lesbian."
I know, I know, a bit sensationalist, but it really is the truth, as many of you know! The piece is basically a quick and dirty version of what happened to me 3 years ago, when I fell for 10.0, and everything went to hell (and then got awesome).
Anyway, there may be many of you now checking out my blog for the first time--hi! If you actually take the time to go back to the beginning, and read my whole crazy tale, I admire your persistence. The road is long and winding.
Also also I look forward to hearing from you! My experience over on xoJane has definitely spoiled me--the comments thread is super active (fun fun!), and I hope to get to talk (and maybe argue, ha) with more of you in this space too, so type away, don't be shy! (I even upgraded my comment thing-y to Disqus--which xoJane uses--so it's now much prettier and user-friendly.)
Tomorrow I have a new post for you guys, a little bit of q&a, so stay tuned.
<3
Follow @edie_wyatt
Big news! On Saturday, online mag XOJane published a piece I had submitted to their "It Happened to Me" series. My submission? "It Happened to Me--I Didn't Know I Was a Lesbian."
I know, I know, a bit sensationalist, but it really is the truth, as many of you know! The piece is basically a quick and dirty version of what happened to me 3 years ago, when I fell for 10.0, and everything went to hell (and then got awesome).
Anyway, there may be many of you now checking out my blog for the first time--hi! If you actually take the time to go back to the beginning, and read my whole crazy tale, I admire your persistence. The road is long and winding.
Also also I look forward to hearing from you! My experience over on xoJane has definitely spoiled me--the comments thread is super active (fun fun!), and I hope to get to talk (and maybe argue, ha) with more of you in this space too, so type away, don't be shy! (I even upgraded my comment thing-y to Disqus--which xoJane uses--so it's now much prettier and user-friendly.)
Tomorrow I have a new post for you guys, a little bit of q&a, so stay tuned.
<3
Follow @edie_wyatt
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
To Straight Girls: Dating women isn't "easier" so stop saying dumb things.
My new twitter friend Effi Mai over at "F is Forr..." (follow her! Read her blog! Hilarity and smart things everywhere!) wrote a post a few days ago answering a reader's question about why so many straight women seem to think that being a lesbian would be "easier." Her response is totally on point, so I won't bother going into that part of it--just go read it--but one specific thing she said got me thinking.
She said: "Straight girls seem to think that being in a lesbian relationship would just be like dating their best friend."
Right. So let's dive in here, shall we? I have several things to say about this.
But then...we started sleeping together. And, please comment/tweet me/whatever if you feel like you can still say the kinds of things you'd say to a friend, even a best friend, to your girlfriend. Or boyfriend. I mean, COME ON NO YOU CANNOT. Not EVERYTHING, and certainly not ALL THE TIME. I just really, truly feel like it's different. At least for me, even though Elle is my best friend. But--I also am her girlfriend, and she is mine, and an added layer of vulnerability comes along with that. Like, now, if I were to editorialize about something that--if I was her bff-- she might be a bit stung by, but ultimately glad she heard from me, I know that--as her girlfriend--there's a heavier significance if I say something blunt or harsh now, and I also know more how much she might be hurt by something I say. Because I know her so much more closely now and love her so much. And I also don't want to hurt her, even if it's due to the kind of ribbing a friend would do.
Is what I'm saying.
That's what I think anyway. What do you think? I'm really curious what people's ideas are about this--I know you're out there, tell me what you're thinking, lovelies! <3
Follow @edie_wyatt
She said: "Straight girls seem to think that being in a lesbian relationship would just be like dating their best friend."
Right. So let's dive in here, shall we? I have several things to say about this.
- Straight women saying that switching teams would be great because then they would be dating their best friend presupposes that dating your best friend is ALWAYS A GOOD THING.
- I actually do think that it's really good for your partner to be your best friend. When I was married, I never really felt that he was my best friend. Ever. And I didn't like that and it felt like something I wanted to do differently if/when I had a serious relationship again.
- When I met Elle, we definitely became best friends first. But, I have to admit, on the regular I wonder if this was the ideal order of operations.
But then...we started sleeping together. And, please comment/tweet me/whatever if you feel like you can still say the kinds of things you'd say to a friend, even a best friend, to your girlfriend. Or boyfriend. I mean, COME ON NO YOU CANNOT. Not EVERYTHING, and certainly not ALL THE TIME. I just really, truly feel like it's different. At least for me, even though Elle is my best friend. But--I also am her girlfriend, and she is mine, and an added layer of vulnerability comes along with that. Like, now, if I were to editorialize about something that--if I was her bff-- she might be a bit stung by, but ultimately glad she heard from me, I know that--as her girlfriend--there's a heavier significance if I say something blunt or harsh now, and I also know more how much she might be hurt by something I say. Because I know her so much more closely now and love her so much. And I also don't want to hurt her, even if it's due to the kind of ribbing a friend would do.
And then there's the point I was making in my comment on "F is Forr...", specifically about the idea that dating women is EASIER. LOL. Here's what I said:
Regardless of whether you date men or women, you’re still dating ANOTHER PERSON, which is always hard as fuck. And I actually sometimes feel that dating a woman is harder, because when someone is your lover and your best friend, things can get a lot more complicated. Like, do you tell her that shirt looks bad, like a best friend would? But then, will she still want to have sex with you later? That is not a problem if you are dating a man. IMHO.
And so it's VERY DIFFERENT is what I'm saying. Best friend love is different than romantic love. There's a different vulnerability and a different level of...I don't know, holding. Or at least trying to hold that other person's heart more gently than you would if they weren't your lover in addition to your friend. And I think this is a great thing. An AMAZING thing. But it is NOT amazing because it is "dating your best friend." It's amazing the way any good, healthy relationship should be amazing. And your partner should be your best friend. How lucky are you if you have that. But they shouldn't be your only best friend. And straight girls who say that being gay would be like dating their best friend are saying a dumb thing.
That's what I think anyway. What do you think? I'm really curious what people's ideas are about this--I know you're out there, tell me what you're thinking, lovelies! <3
Sunday, February 19, 2012
On Cynthia Nixon's "choice to be gay"
This post is a few weeks late, but oh well. Let's just go with it.
On January 19, the Times posted a profile of Cynthia Nixon. Here's an excerpt from the article:
“I totally reject [the idea that her change in sexual orientation is somehow a lie],” she said heatedly. “I gave a speech recently, an empowerment speech to a gay audience, and it included the line ‘I’ve been straight and I’ve been gay, and gay is better.’ And they tried to get me to change it, because they said it implies that homosexuality can be a choice. And for me, it is a choice. I understand that for many people it’s not, but for me it’s a choice, and you don’t get to define my gayness for me. A certain section of our community is very concerned that it not be seen as a choice, because if it’s a choice, then we could opt out. I say it doesn’t matter if we flew here or we swam here, it matters that we are here and we are one group and let us stop trying to make a litmus test for who is considered gay and who is not.” Her face was red and her arms were waving. “As you can tell,” she said, “I am very annoyed about this issue. Why can’t it be a choice? Why is that any less legitimate? It seems we’re just ceding this point to bigots who are demanding it, and I don’t think that they should define the terms of the debate. I also feel like people think I was walking around in a cloud and didn’t realize I was gay, which I find really offensive. I find it offensive to me, but I also find it offensive to all the men I’ve been out with.”
A few weeks later, a friend of mine directed my attention to Nixon's comments, and I said to her, "Wow, I've actually said that exact thing before. 'Gay is better.' It really is! I totally understand where she's coming from."
Then, not a day later, another friend directed me to an article by Lindsay Miller, written in response to all of the criticism Nixon received after the Times piece ran. I literally got chills reading her words. So much of what she wrote has either literally passed through my lips in this past year as I have worked to explain my change in sexuality to my friends, old and new, or so closely parallels my own thoughts about sexuality and where I fit in to it all that I was...stunned. And moved. I really understand where Lindsay Miller is coming from. To wit:
So what difference does it make whether or not I call myself bisexual? My story and my life are too complicated to be summed up and dismissed in that one little word. What is crucial to me is that I chose the relationship I’m in today, and I chose to align myself, personally and politically, with the lesbian community. If I’m a bisexual, I’m a bisexual who is only interested in dating or sleeping with women. I’m a bisexual who thinks John Barrowman is insanely beautiful, but has zero interest in putting any part of my body on any part of his body. I’m a bisexual who would rather lick a clitoris than literally any other activity in the world. I’m a bisexual who is practically indistinguishable from a great big lesbian.
I’m not saying that homosexuality is a choice for everyone. Obviously, it isn’t. But for those of us whose sexual attraction is fluid, or shifting, or somewhere in the middle, or directed towards people who are not unambiguously men or women, devoting ourselves exclusively to same-sex partners can be a choice—a choice many of us make joyfully and with our eyes wide open. What’s so scary and infuriating about that?
Preach, Lindsay. Preach.
Here's a link to the article again: My Love, My Choice: On Cynthia Nixon and Why Gay is (Sometimes) Better. That's how much I really hope you read it. It's long. And it's really good. And it's kind of....well... me.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Pink is for girls.
In the early 1900s, pink was considered a color for boys. Wikipedia quotes an article from a 1918 trade publication as saying; “The generally accepted rule is pink for the boys, and blue for the girls. The reason is that pink, being a more decided and stronger color, is more suitable for the boy, while blue, which is more delicate and dainty, is prettier for the girl.” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pink.
This is the first paragraph of a really great post on a really great blog I've discovered, Undercover in the Suburbs.
I added the bold lettering myself, just to further highlight the absurdity of the way our society constructs and makes shit up, specifically around gender identity and roles. Pink was seen as a stronger, "more decided" color than blue, and was therefore assigned to boys, since, of course, they were assumed to be stronger than girls. (Of course we call bullshit there.) But, the thing that really gets my goat is that, somewhere along the line, however things got flipped around--making pink the "girly" color--with the switch, the perception of pink being "stronger" vanished, likely because it was now associated with being a girl, and therefore, by definition, signified inferiority and daintiness.
True story: when I was younger, I actively rejected my affinity for pink because of its association in our society with "girliness" which I, as a teenager, equated with being overlooked and invalidated. I often felt invalidated and overlooked due to my gender as it was, and didn't want to make it even harder to be taken seriously by having PINK STUFF--oh, the horror. Sad, right? Yeah. A part of me still feels that way, and now, at 30, I carefully choose how much pink to allow myself. Le sigh.
I'll stop here, and direct you to go read the original post, both because it is well written, and because my brain is still fuzzy from flu-ness.
Go forth and be feminists, my friends.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Dear John, I Love Jane
Dear John, I Love Jane: Women Write About Leaving Men for Women
by Candace Walsh and Laura Andre
This book is incredible. I've been reading it slowly since July, and it has helped me to not feel so alone as I, at 29-30, awaken to being very, very gay. It is the most disorienting and amazing experience I’ve ever had, and I am not alone. If you're going through anything similar, read this book. How helpful it's been for me to read about what other women have experienced is part of why I'm sharing my experience here!
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