in which I am baffled by my past...

I've been working on the book today, editing things I wrote in 2006, when I was 24, and it is a jarring fucking experience, lemme tell you.

I was SO. YOUNG. So confused, so self-absorbed, so dependent on how others saw me to have any way to see myself. It's painful to re-experience, honestly.  I was using my sexuality to try to feel seen, loved, relevant. And, shockingly, it didn't work. Go figure.

And more than that, I was SO STRAIGHT. I mean, what?? Honestly, if it hadn't happened to me, and not that long ago, I would be confused as hell by where I've ended up, i.e. gay. I mean, at 24, I was having a lot of sex, with several men. Often.

There were a lot of naked penises in my vicinity is what I'm saying. (Don't worry, you'll get to read all about that in the book-that part of my life, though interesting and completely insane, doesn't really fit in with the theme of this blog!)

But my point is, that is quite literally a state of affairs that I have no interest in EVER happening again. Now, I am quite happily face deep in vagina and that's exactly how I like it, thank you very much. But 6 years ago I would have looked at you like you were cray if you had suggested that I would ever find myself fantasizing about, much less actually, fucking women and having no place else I'd rather be.

It's just--I mean...

Whaaaaat!!!????

So I guess what I'm saying is, that whole "sexual fluidity" thing...sure is a thing!

Oh, and also I was an asshole.

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Bloglovin? Okay, then!

Hi lovelies, I recently discovered Bloglovin.com, which is apparently one of the new options to follow all the blogs you used to read in Google Reader (RIP), and anyway, I wanted to "claim" my blog as mine, so, here I am, claiming my blog! New, actual post coming later tonight!
<3
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Ch-ch-changes

Hello dear readers!

It's been a very, very long time since I've updated, and I first want to apologize for that! It got hard to write about my relationship since, well, it's actually kind of a healthy one, filled with much more communication and love and respect than drama and guesswork and games, and apparently I'm not nearly as moved to write when I'm not feeling tortured. Go figure!

So I take it as a good sign, overall, that I haven't been around here much, though I'm sure at least 5 of you out there have been wondering what's happened to me! :)

I've been seeing from my stats and from some messages I've gotten that this blog has been and continues to be helpful to at least a handful of you, and that it's been meaningful to some of you to read someone else's story of bumbling along and figuring things out as you are in the process of doing the same.  And that's really the entire point of me putting my story online for all to see--to let you know that you're not alone, and that all the crazy shit you're trying to figure out IS crazy, but that you will also figure it out, and that tons of crazy shit happened to me too, and I came out of it...semi-ok!

Out of that sense of wanting to share my story so that others can feel not-so-alone, and maybe even be inspired to take some risks in their lives as they try to find their truth, I've started working on a memoir of sorts, based on this blog as well as 3 years of writing that I did BEFORE this blog, back before I was even married (ohhh, there are some good stories there!).  Getting my story out there in book form is going to take awhile, but while I do that work I wanted to give those of you who have found me here at New Lesbian a way to talk to me and keep up to date on when you'll be able to read more of my story.  I'll be leaving the blog up while I work on the book, but I would also like to open up this space up as a forum for people to ask me, and all of you, for advice with whatever confusing situations they may find themselves in as they're navigating their relationships and their sexuality.

So! I've created a twitter account under my never-before-known pseudonym (@edie_wyatt) and put a Follow Me button in the sidebar, so feel free to come hang out with me there. I'd love to actually talk to some of you who've been reading, I know there are a lot of you! If you're struggling with the kinds of stuff I've struggled with, and want advice, or HAVE advice to give (or just wanna talk about gay stuff), let's talk!

<3, Edie

Some thoughts, no thread

Life is fucking hard. For everyone. Some people think there's is the hardest, some people think they shouldn't complain. But no. It's hard. For all of us. This sucks.

I have to pay my first student loan payment next week. I cannot really afford this. I can not delay it. This sucks.

I have dedicated 9 years of my life to studying to be in a profession that is extremely masochistic and draining and uses up all of me some days. This sucks.

I answered my mother honestly about how I'm doing today, saying "drained from work and stressed because I'm broke." never do I answer her questions with so much candor. Her response "Be thankful you have a job." I should not be surprised by this response, and yet I am, and also feel slapped in the face.  I don't know why I keep thinking that she will somehow become a person capable of mirroring, holding, providing emotional comfort. She is not that person. That sucks.

I'm grappling with the significance of the fact that I am not "the messy one" in my relationship. I'm the over-controlled one. I "don't mess up." Sometimes I think Elle is angry at me because of this. I am angry too that I am like this. I am constantly resentful that I am the organized, neat, planning one who has thought 7 steps ahead no matter how big or small the task or life event. I am resentful at myself for thinking that I need to be like this, and not being able to not be.  Being this way is exhausting.  I think I am this way because I don't want to have to deal with the feelings of loss or disappointment or heartache or loss of faith in humanity that might result if I'm not thinking 7 steps ahead and taking care of everything. I don't trust that anyone else will really take care of me if I don't, even if they want to. This sucks.

So, I guess there is a uniting thread in my thoughts today. Suck-age.

Great.

Mormonsandgays.org

In high school, I had several Mormon friends.  In high school, no one was out as a gay person. At least not in my small social circle. Now, of course, almost everyone I was truly friends with in high school, including the male friend I went to prom with, has come out as gay, including myself.  Funny how that works out.

One of my Mormon high school friends was a "best friend." We talked every day, had lunch together, and ultimately, I attended the non-religious portion of her wedding celebration, as non-Mormons weren't allowed to witness the actual ceremony.  I say this just to highlight that we were close.

At this point, I haven't seen this friend in...probably 8 years? Maybe more.   All of our interaction now is via facebook, and from this, I know that she has 4 children, lives on the west coast, and fervently supported Mitt Romney.  I have not come out to her, but if you look at my facebook page these days, it's very, very obvious that I am gay.

Today, I posted a link on facebook to this picture of an older, interracial gay couple looking overjoyed together at the prospect of being able to get married in Washington state, after over 40 years together.

 This friend commented on the picture, saying something fairly off-color, I think, but I won't quote her here on the off chance that she somehow comes across this very gay blog. The point is that she clearly saw that I posted that picture, and that I was in support of what the picture represents--marriage equality. I commented back in a light-hearted way, in an attempt to not let her weird comment sour the post. Keepin' it light, and all that.

An hour later, she posts a link to this website: Mormonsandgays.org. With no comment. Just a link.

She has NEVER posted anything about gay-ness on her page, and has never before commented on any of the many gay things I post regularly.  But she posts this today. And of course I clicked through.

And it made me sad, what I read. Here's a sample:

Attraction to those of the same sex, however, should not be viewed as a disease or illness. We must not judge anyone for the feelings they experience. Members of the Church who have same-sex attractions, but don’t act on them, can continue to enjoy full fellowship in the church, which includes holding the priesthood, carrying out callings, and attending the temple. Unlike in times past, the Church does not necessarily advise those with same-sex attraction to
marry those of the opposite sex. Same-sex attraction itself is not a sin, but yielding to it is. However, through repentance Jesus Christ will offer forgiveness.

And it goes on, and on, from there.

My reaction to this is confusion and sadness and anger and indignation.  Does this religious organization actually think that having a pastel-hued website for gay people, in which they calmly and lovingly say that it's okay if you're gay, as long as you live your entire life without ever having a sexual relationship, because you can't have sex unless your married, and oh, by the way, marriage is only for a man and a woman, but you can do it, we know you can, because this is your mortal test, and marrying someone of the same sex is morally wrong, and we know it's hard, but don't you worry, we love you!--do they really think that this is supposed to be a comfort??

Really!?? <<insert "Really!!???!! with Seth and Amy" gif here>>

I am baffled, and incensed, and very curious if gay Mormons read that website and are left with a sense of relief and support. I don't see how, unless they somehow fail to notice that between the pretty, well-written lines is an upsetting, depressing message of rejection and support of inequality.

I wonder what my high school friend thinks of this message. I assume that she supports it. I hope that I am wrong.

I would be very curious to hear others' reactions to this--feel free to comment.

Breakdown

It's 1 am on Saturday night. I'm alone in my apartment. And I just had a bit of an emotional breakdown. Just for a few minutes. But it happened. And I think I needed it.

There's a lot going on right now.  Most pressing is that in the next 14 days I have to either let my current landlord know I'll be leaving here for at least another year, or that I'm peace-ing out by October 31. Most stressful is that I have the biggest paper of my life due in less than 3 months.  Most sad is that as I write this my mother is in Connecticut, sitting at the bedside of her older sister, who is dying.

I went and looked at an apartment today, seeing what my options are in my quest to move out of my current neighborhood, which is....loud. Too loud for me, at least.  I unexpectedly have a chance to move, which I thought I wouldn't have until at least a year from now, and so I set out to see if maybe I actually can.  The apartment that I saw today was...okay.  I think it's maybe a little bigger than my current place. Maybe. But it's definitely not as nice.  It would be quieter (probably) than my current place. But it's not as nice of an apartment.  This didn't really hit me until I was back here and realized---I have a NICE apartment. It's small, and this building is kind of dirty, and I really do hate this street, but.... My actual apartment? These 4 walls and huge bathroom that I get to call my own? Really. Fucking. Nice.  This was never so clear to me as it was after seeing that other apartment today.

Huh.

So I'm sitting here, dazedly realizing that I probably am going to stay here for another year, as much as I bemoan my neighbors, and this street, and this neighborhood, and even though I just sold my car today so that I would have the money to move (also so that I would no longer have the headache of paying to have a car in New York)...and I start wandering around my little space, thinking about the things that I can do that I've been putting off, that I should really just DO if I'm gonna be here awhile. I looked at empty shelf space that could be filled with clutter-turned-thing-in-its-proper-place, and absent-mindedly went through one such pile.  I found a photo envelope with pictures in it that I'd forgotten I'd had printed before I moved in.  Pictures of my parents and my brother.  I had never taken them out of the envelope, had let them get buried in a pile of office supplies.  I looked at each of them for a long time, and felt...suddenly, and strongly, and all at once, sad, lost, alone, regretful.

I realized that I miss them. That I would like to see them, as much as I often feel that I don’t, really.  I marveled at how happy my parents look in that picture from their trip to New York a few years ago. How much my brother and I look alike--how that is still true, despite the years and years of pain and misunderstanding between us.  I cried for how far away from them I feel, how far away from them I am, how that’s exactly what I intended, and how it turns out it actually hurts a bit, to get what you want.  I felt a deep and sharp loss that startled me, and made me think of my mother, spending the weekend with her older sister, her sister who is slowly, yet quickly, dying of cancer.  How this is the…fifth (?) loss like this that she has endured. And how I can only guess at the pain she is in, and how I might never really know what she is going through, and how sad I am for her.  And I cried for my mother, and the fact that it took this long for me to realize how sad I am for her, losing another person she loves.  And I cried that she won’t let me in to her real life, her emotional life...and how I learned from her.

And then my tears were about all of my own fears and doubts and worries, that I apparently don’t let myself really feel as often as I think I do. Because it all came slamming through tonight.  And it hurts.  Life hurts.

I imagine you know what I mean.

What the fuck, world?

I've been feeling diffusely angry and discontent lately. There are many reasons for these feelings, not the least of which is that I'm on a deadline to finish my dissertation by December 6th. 

But today? Today these feelings of  utter despondence with this world were compounded by getting cat-called and harassed twice by male strangers in 3 minutes as I walked home from work today.  As I make the slow trudge home in 90 degree heat-- hungry, needing to pee, and feeling the early pangs of what apparently is some sort of pinched nerve in my lower back-- on two separate occasions, WITHIN THE SPAN OF THREE MINUTES, two different black men think that, likely because I am a black woman, they can express to me their opinion that I am attractive to them in some way. 

The first one walked right up next to me to inform me that I looked "very nice" and then kept calling things after me after I sped up and walked away from him.  The second man is a guy that seems to think we're friends because I walk past him often on my way to and from the subway.  I think this man has often informed me that he "likes my hairstyle" whenever I'm walking to the subway on a Friday night with my hair in it's nice, lesbian-y faux-hawk.  His comments without fail make me annoyed that I can't try to look nice without annoying assholes providing unsolicited commentary.  Today, however, as I walk by, he interrupts his conversation with his fellow loiterers to yell out at me "Hey! Lookin' good girl!" And then, as I refuse to acknowledge that I'm hearing him, "Black girl! Black girl! White girl! White girl! Black girl!" and so on.  I mean, first of all, what?? Second of all, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? 

Why is this the kind of bullshit that I have to put up with, most notably on days when I wear a dress or skirt.  I am left significantly more alone if I'm wearing pants.  It didn't matter that I was clearly tired and hot and minding my own business and DO NOT KNOW THESE PEOPLE. I was wearing a skirt and am female and one of few black people in this neighborhood. So of COURSE any other black man in the vicinity has every right to yell at me on the street.

I HATE IT.

And even before this bullshit happened, I was thinking what I've been thinking a lot lately: Not a single soul on this planet was popped into this world with their consent.  We are all here completely without our own choosing.  None of us had any choice to be born or not. And yet here we all are, plopped out into this crowded, hot mess of humanity, and having to find a way to make it through.  And as we try and try to survive, and do the right thing, and contribute to the world in some way, we are bombarded by idiots and victimized and stolen from and discriminated against.

It fucking sucks guys. And we all deserve better.