Hi lovelies!
Below is a sneak peek of my memoir, coming soon. As you'll see, things were...quite different a few years ago.
xx
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Married, Divorced, and Gay by 30: A memoir
by Edie Wyatt
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About me (then): Edie, 24, Straight, Engaged, Grad Student, Confused
About me (now): Edie, 30-something, Lesbian, Divorced, Partnered, Degree'd, Awake
This is the story--in my own raw, brutally honest, sometimes cringe-inducing words--of how I got from then to now: engaged, then single, then married, then divorced, then gay by 30 years of age. I'm quite the over-achiever.
From 2006-2012, from age 24 to 31, I blogged about my life. This is that story, my messy memoir.
Identifying information has been changed to protect the innocent (and guilty).
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YEAR ONE
February 21
release
I have a blog, but people I know, and who think they know me, read it. That used to be exciting, but now it's restricting, and makes me feel that I can't actually say what I need to say. That's surprising, but not really, because it just proves what I already know. I care too much what people think of me. That blog is not for me. It's for everyone else. This will be for me.
In my life I show people something incomplete. Something that is inauthentic in many ways, in that it's nowhere close to being whole. Why can't I show people who I really am?
I've been in therapy for a few months now, and it's funny. When I started going I felt like I didn't really need to be there, but it turns out I do. I'm engaged to be married—to Andrew—and I don't know if I’m doing the right thing. It's terrifying to me, and every day is a different battle in my head. Should I stay? Should I go? Am I asking too much? Don't I deserve more than this?
I live with him and I’m finding out more and more every day that maybe he's not who I thought he was in a lot of ways. He is caring in many ways, but uncaring in others. He makes me feel stupid for caring about what he says to me. He makes me feel like I have to beg him to admit when he does something wrong. My therapist today insinuated that I’m dealing with a narcissistic personality. As a student of psychology I know what that means and it scares me. He is arrogant. If I say/prove something (because I have to prove it, I can't just say I feel something, that's never enough) about something he's done, his first, always his first response is to explain to me why my reaction is not correct. He will see that he has hurt me horribly, and he cannot apologize.
I have said to him before, "I don't know if I can do this, be with you" and you know what he says? Not "I want to make you happy, how can I make you happy", but "Maybe you shouldn't be with me, then". I realized today in therapy what that really means. It means that he thinks the problem is with me. Not with us, not with him at all. If he wasn't so arrogant, wouldn't he say "I’m sorry I’m hurting you, I’m sorry I’m making you unhappy, how can I make you happy, because I want us to be together"? He hasn't said that to me. How can I stay with someone who can't say that to me?
A few weeks ago, I flat out begged him to tell me what I was doing wrong. I tried to play into his hand, let him seem all powerful and right, so that maybe then he would talk to me, tell what we need to do to make this work. He laughed in my face and shook his head. He said that he wouldn't tell me anything because he shouldn't have to explain it to me. Never mind that I needed him to explain, never mind that my body was racked with sobs and I sat before him emotionally beaten. I sat there willing to admit defeat and he can't move past his thought that I shouldn't need what I need. There is no we. I do all the work, he doesn't want me to call him on anything. He wants to be able to be his repressed, arrogant, in-denial self, and wants me to orbit him and take his shit. I do not orbit...
...and yet I do. How can this be? How did I end up here?
What do I do????
March 7
symptoms
Things have been...different lately. I think I’m going through a mild depression. At least, I hope that's what it is, because otherwise there's something that I’m less willing to deal with going on. I haven't wanted to have sex in over two weeks, probably in three now. A few nights ago I actually dawdled while getting ready for bed, hoping that he'd fall asleep and I wouldn't have to actively deny him sex. It worked. I was glad.
But it's not just the lack of sex drive that's cluing me in, though that is a big one, because I never really knew how someone would know if they had a decreased interest in sex, but it really slaps you across the face and you can't miss it...but it's more than that. I've been having a hard time getting going, I've been late to most things, and silly things have made me so distraught, like my hair. There've been days when I almost wanted to abandon all of my obligations, just so that I wouldn't have to deal with doing my hair. And I haven't wanted to do any of my work. This is different for me, because even at the start of the semester, I was excited to learn and was really looking forward to throwing myself into my work. Now I just want to throw myself onto the couch and curl up with a good hour or 3 of bad TV.
But some things make me think it's not depression, but it's him. I went away this weekend, into the city for some "girl time", and I felt alive. I couldn't wait to leave for the city, and when I got home after the weekend I immediately felt a heavy weight settle over me again. But then sometimes I look at him and I know that he loves me and that deep down he would take care of me. Will take care of me. Why can't I just be happy with him? Sometimes I am, but it's like it never quite gets there. There's something just out of reach, that used to be there, but I can't get to anymore...I don't think this is what's supposed to happen. But the thing is, I do want it to be that way for us again. I want to be excited to see him, to talk with him--I want to have the energy to pull things out of him, instead of being disgusted that I have to and feeling like I'd rather not bother.
Even now I feel like I’m cheating, sitting here typing this after a day with no fights, no yelling, no tears. It was a normal day. I cooked him dinner, we watched a movie, we said goodnight.
Nothing horrible. Nothing "wrong". And yet I’m sitting up writing about whether or not I should be with him?? What diagnosis does that fall under? It makes me feel so bad...will I just not let myself be happy?? (See, it really does sound like depression now, doesn't it?)
April 3
crush
Yikes.
So things have been going much better with me and Andrew. We had the big talk and I've been seeing and feeling that he really understands that he can't act any kind of way and that he knows now that I won't always be there if he acts like a fool, so things have been much better. I signed the contract for our wedding venue last week, we sent in the deposit check, and I actually feel excited about the wedding most of the time. I even ordered my dress.
But...
I met someone. Danny. I met him actually over a month ago, at the bar where Mel works, and I could feel an attraction there from the beginning, but I didn't really think I would see him again, it was just silly flirtation and I thought there was nothing that would come of it, so it was okay that I thought this guy was really attractive and interesting. Right?
Wrong.
Because now I've seen him a few more times, all at Mel’s bar. She’s always been there when we've met up, but yesterday went to another level, and I’m feeling pretty nervous about what happened.
First, I went to meet up with Mel on Saturday night, pretty specifically to meet up with Danny and his friends. I dressed up more than I usually do, and Andrew even commented on the fact that I looked so "hot" and I never dress up for him like that (which I don't think is really true, but I was trying to look good that night, and not for him, so I guess I can't act completely innocent). Anyway, I was extremely excited to see them, and then they didn't show. We called them, texted them, nothing. They had promised they were coming to see us, and they didn't. I was really pissed.
So then, the next morning, we get a text from Danny, saying he's sorry and we should meet up later. Aaaahhh! So Mel and I went back into the city, and ended up meeting up with him, just him, at Central Park. It was great. Perfect. And I felt really guilty. I had told Andrew that I was staying late to talk Mel through boy trouble, and it was a complete lie. I was actually staying late to go frolic in a gorgeous day with a gorgeous guy who is everything Andrew isn't that I've always thought I wanted. What am I doing??
He was charming, nice, interesting, interested, and respectful, and all of those things make me want to jump him. I thought about him all night, waking and sleeping. I’m now trying to figure out how I can keep justifying leaving Andrew at home all weekend so that I never have to share this amazing hot guy with the person I’m supposed to be marrying. It sounds so horrible. I mean, it's not like I don't want to get married, but I want to be single a little bit first, and I feel like this would be my chance and I don't know how I'll be able to take it.
But I really want to take it.
Really.
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YEAR SIX
January 11
queer
For the past few days, I've been trying on for size thinking
of myself as "queer."
The way that I think about the word is similar to this definition from Wikipedia
(underlining by me for emphasis):
Because of the context in which it was reclaimed, queer has
sociopolitical connotations, and is often preferred by those who are activists;
by those who strongly reject traditional gender identities; by those who reject
distinct sexual identities such as gay, lesbian, bisexual, and straight;
and by those who see themselves as oppressed by the heteronormativity of the
larger culture. In this usage it retains the historical connotation of
"outside the bounds of normal society" and can be construed as
"breaking the rules for sex and gender". It can be preferred because of its ambiguity,
which allows "queer"-identifying people to avoid the sometimes strict
boundaries that surround other labels. In this context, "queer" is
not a synonym for LGBT as it creates a space for
"queer" heterosexuals as well as "non-queer" homosexuals.
Yup. That sounds about right.
And then, really, I'm not quite sure that queer = me either. Really, I identify
right now as "Jamie-loving" more than anything else.
And then, of course, there's the fact that I don't really need to define myself
as anything, for anyone. But I also am feeling a need to define what's
going on with me right now for me.
But I know what's going on right now. That mystery's been solved, my friends.
I met a woman who I am falling in love with.
The end.
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Read more of the story in my memoir, "Married, Divorced, and Gay by 30", coming soon!
