I wonder.
I stumbled upon something I wrote 8 years ago, when I was in the middle of a training experience that was horribly traumatic, due to the fact that I was in the process of realizing I was gay, in the process of realizing I had to leave my husband, in the process of my entire world crumbling such that I could rebuild it the way it needed to be built, and also, in the midst of all that, was being scapegoated by my fellow trainees because I would...say honest things and thought that others were being honest when they spoke to me.
That's a bit of a simplification, because that's not really what this post is about, but that is the essence of what I was criticized for and told to stop doing, because it was too hard for everyone else. As I read some of my frustrated musings when all of that was going, I found myself wondering if the problem is just that I need to keep my mouth shut, because me saying things, even if they are true, even if I don't say them in an aggressive way, even if I say them from a place of vulnerability, is just something that people don't like. So is my insistence on speaking up, my insistence on being truthful, but not mean, my insistence on being real and not fake and (perhaps foolishly) trusting the version of others that they present to me and the world the problem?
Am I being a bitch by not just shutting up so everyone else is comfortable?
My entire childhood, and up until now, I have been told in hundreds of ways to just smile and be nice to look at, nothing more. Don't argue. Don't "talk back." Don't question. Don't assert. I was literally told by my mother a few months ago that "maybe it's not necessary to tell the truth all the time." I didn't stand quietly by while my girlfriend's father mansplained something to me, interrupted him to say "Yes, I know that." and he perceived me as being rude and disrespectful. I once got upset that my own father didn't understand why I would want to know how to fix something on my car myself. I told him that he upset me, and my mother cried to me asking how I could be so disrespectful to him. At work, now, I often will question things that my boss says that directly contradict what she said the week before, in staff meetings where we all are confused and stressed, and when questioned she will raise her voice and get pissed off because I'm trying to clarify, trying to understand, not pretending that I don't have a functioning brain of my own.
Am I a bitch?
No one has actually said this to my face. But what I have learned, should stop forgetting, is that no one really seems to say much to anyone's face. Not what they really mean, anyway. So I am left to wonder, and seem to be often wrong, these days.
I think I've lost my talent at being able to tell how I should be. I used to be much better at it. I never upset anyone. I never said the wrong thing, I adjusted and demured and agreed and swallowed my reactions and my words as easily and automatically as I breathe. But then I also felt like I was suffocating, I felt angry and resentful and trapped and stifled. I've fought out of that cage, but now I don't think I know how to be. I have lost my sense of timing for when it's going to feel ok for others if I speak. I don't know anymore how to be the person everyone likes all the time.
Is this something I should be sorry to lose? I don't know. I really, truly can't tell if this is a bad thing. I am straining against those old chains that tell me that it is, in fact, very bad not be so good at being good anymore.
I keep playing over in my head an interaction I had with a friend yesterday. He was complaining about something objectively positive that had happened to him, and I found his reaction extremely confusing and didn't hide that from him. I playfully (I thought) ribbed him about his negativity, made clear my opinion that he was undercutting his accomplishment, that he was negating the love and recognition he was getting. I felt that, as my friend of many years, he could handle this honesty, and that part of a good friendship is this kind of communication. But, maybe I am wrong. Is he today pissed off at my words? I don't know, and wouldn't have even considered that he would be, but my girlfriend commented in the moment that what I said to him was "a read." I play this moment back and wonder if I shouldn't have said anything to him. But then what should I have done? What should I have said? Perhaps just let him negate his achievements, nod and smile and say congratulations and don't share that I think he is selling himself short? Was it rude of me to tell him what I thought?
Should I not be saying what I think? Does NO ONE want that?? Do I just not know when to shut up?
Am I a bitch?
(Feel free to comment below your thoughts, as this is really not a rhetorical question. I'm so confused. Help!)
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