Friday, March 11, 2016

Can't not.

Well. I finally NEED to write.

Why, you may wonder?

This weekend I'm packing up all of my stuff and moving it out of Elle's apartment.

Elle's apartment.

Not ours, anymore.

Was it ever?

I don't live there anymore. I haven't for awhile and it's better that I don't. Of course.


The fact that this is what my weekend will be, that this weekend I will be packing my self out of that space where so much happened, where so much was gained, and lost, has rattled me. I feel awful. Depressed. I think I'm dehydrated. I feel fuzzy and sad and anxious and lonely and also ready for it to just be done.

I feel out of sorts and like I don't understand what my life is. Why is this my life? How is this my life? I feel completely out of control and terrified. I also know that I did the best I could (whatever that means, whatever that's worth). That this needs to happen. Needed to happen. I know all of that.

I know that I have capital-g-capital-t Good Things happening, too. And I should be, and am, really fucking grateful for a lot of things, for what I have, even as I feel so utterly, helplessly unmoored. I am grateful.

But I'm mad. I'm mad that everything is so hard and that at the end of the day you always have to deal with your shit alone. No matter how much love you have, how many people are supporting you, how many things are good.

Still, at the end of the day only you can deal with your shit. Only you can lie in the bed you've made.


And it all hurts.

Even the good, right things hurt?

Ain't that a kick in the pants.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016


I've been having a hard time figuring out how to write this post. It's weeks (months, really) overdue, but I just haven't known what to say. How much to say. How little.

Elle and I have broken up. I initiated the break up, and not in a way that I am proud of. I made mistakes in how I ended things, and thought the pain and hurt I've been silently enduring for many months would soften, if not justify, the way things ended. But of course, things don't happen that way. Of course not. 

So the way we broke up wasn't good. It was, in fact, bad. And I am to blame for that.

But, the reasons at the core of it all? Those have been there for a long time. We should have ended things sooner. We were both scared. Stubborn, maybe. I wanted it to work. I'm not a quitter. This is a problem that I very much need to work on. I saw ending the relationship as a failure on my part. As a negation of our time together, of the sacrifices and work that have gone into the past 3.5 years. 

That's not the right way to think about a relationship, and when it should end.

And yet, that's where I was. I wanted to wait it out. I KNOW that relationships are hard, take work, are not always wonderful and lovely and easy. But I think I forgot that they SHOULD always feel safe. Even when things are hard. Even when there is work to do.

I forgot that.

So things ended in a way that was born of feeling scared, trapped, avoidant, lonely, sad. Things should have ended differently, but the result is the same. We have broken up. I feel it is what we both needed.

Our timing was always off. We could never get in sync. That is heartbreaking to me, but it is so, so very true.

I want us both to be happy. I want us both to feel safe and held.

I hope we both find that.

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

on loneliness

Sometimes I think we end up feeling more alone when we are in relationships. Do you know what I mean? Like when you want that one person to be your confidante, your friend, your lover. Just them. But what if they can't be? What if they're gone? What do you do? If you can't go to them, be with them--if they are not there...

Then what do you do? It's hard because--you can't go anywhere else, really. Nor do you want to. You want it to be them. Want to get all of those things from them. But they aren't available. They're not there, for a thousand potential reasons. A thousand valid, completely understandable reasons.

So, you are alone.

With your thoughts. With the chores. With your fears.

When you're single, it doesn't hurt so much. You learn how to lean more on yourself in moments like this. And more on a network of friends. Being alone doesn't feel so lonely.

But once there is The One, that network gets weaker. It shouldn't. It does. And it hurts more when you find yourself on your own, left alone with the weight of your life, because you don't expect it anymore. You're not supposed to be, anymore.

But really, aren't we always?

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Season 2 of the New Lesbian Podcast!


It has been way, way too long. But I have good news! Though I don't have any new writing for you (though I am still chugging away on the book, and it's really coming together), I DO have a new episode of the New Lesbian Podcast for your aural pleasure :)

In this episode, Elle and I talk about a few of the big queer news events that happened in the 6 months we've been AWOL (though we recorded BEFORE the big marriage equality news, go figure) and we also have Episode 10 in the can, patiently waiting to be edited (by me), so that one will be out soon too! Episode 10 features a lot of great listener questions, and we always want to hear from you so keep 'em coming! Sharing what you're going through can really help others who are trying to figure out their path--it can make all the difference to know that you're not alone and not crazy for feeling the way you do, and I know this from some of the amazing messages I've gotten from you guys. That's the whole reason why any of this, the blog, the show, is here, so please reach out if you need a listening ear and a place to not feel alone.

I went off-track and got a little sappy there, sorry, but anyway here's Episode 9!


Finally! It’s Season 2 of the New Lesbian podcast and in this episode it’s a queer news roundup: the tragic continuing trend of teen Trans* suicides, the unveiling of Caitlyn Jenner, the WNBA romance debacle, and the rise of the gay Youtuber. We round things out with everyone’s favorite/most hated segment, Who Would You Do: Harry Potter addition, where Edie explains why Virgos make the best lovers. PLUS, we’ve got a fancy new mic, and don’t quite know how to use it! (Please excuse the weird noises.) Happy Summer, lovelies!
Show links:
I Am Here: The Untold Stories of Everyday People“-Edie has a story in this new book from StoryShelter!

Forever Links:
Advertise with us! Email
Social Medias:
Twitter:  @edie_wyatt  |  @new_elle

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Casting call


Long time, no type, I know, and I'm sorry! I have no excuse.

But I'm back online to pass along an opportunity that some of you might be interested in, and possibly really helped by! Also, maybe be on TV!

There's a new reality show on the horizon that is planning an episode where women who are trying to figure out if they are gay, or bi, or queer, and want to start dating women will be paired up with a coach who will help them through the scary, stressful, invigorating morass of entering the lesbian dating scene. I heard about it because they actually want me to be one of the coaches! I can't do that, sadly, what with the pseudonym and the other career and all, but I can still pass the info along to you.

So, the blurb they sent me is below-I don't love the implication that a woman might be interested in dating women solely because she's "fed up with men" (that's the kind of stuff that I think invalidates and minimizes the reality of sexual fluidity and reinforces the false binary) but I do think it's an interesting idea and something that should be on TV, if for no other reason than to bring more attention to something that so many of us have struggled through and felt so alone in experiencing.

Let me know what you think about this, I'm really curious if people will actually sign up.



Are you fed up with men and considering dating women? Have you just gone through a serious breakup or divorce and are ready for a big change? Are you feeling a pull towards women and want to see where it leads you? Magilla Entertainment and a major cable network are now casting women who are jumping back into the dating game and are looking to change their approach for 21 days. Following the “21 Day Myth” in which people can mentally and physically make changes after this specific time period, this docu-series will capture the excitement and the fears of the women as they test out this new lifestyle change with the help of a coach. If you think you are ready to embark on this journey, contact us ASAP at with “BI-CURIOUS” in the subject along with your name, age, location, occupation, contact numbers, recent photos and a brief paragraph about why you want to experience dating women.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Small Steps

Four years ago this week, I wrote about how my entire world was changing as I raced to NJ to witness the birth of my best friends' children while that very same day I was really settling in to my changing sexuality.  I wrote about feeling excited and free and "on fire." That was the day that things really started shifting for me, the day that I knew there was no going back.

I wasn't even aware at the time that all of that change coincided with the flipping of the calendar into a new month and a new year. But this year, for some reason, I am exquisitely aware of the changing of the calendar.  And I feel overwhelmed by it.

I feel overwhelmed by the weight of all of the hope and fear that I'm realizing I carry around with me every day, a weight that I don't think I usually let myself acknowledge, for fear that it will crush me.  But for some reason, this New Year (capital N, capital Y) is really hitting me. The expectations of change, growth, improvement, and progress in the coming year.  The disappointment that I didn't measure up to the dreams I set for myself one year ago.

As I was writing this post, I almost wrote that I'm "not the resolution type" but then realized that last year I DID make resolutions, and actually posted some of them on this blog. Looking back at that post, I felt a bit disappointed, as I had vowed to publish my book last year, and didn't.  A lot of progress has been made with the book though (the book cover is designed, half of the book is done), and I did start a pretty great podcast with Elle, which I hadn't even begun to dream of one year ago, and which has allowed me to do a lot of the things that I wrote about in that resolution post. So that's good.
But even more than my frustration about not being done with the book, as I read that post from a year ago, I was struck by how many goals I had for last year that I didn't write down anywhere, but still carried and wanted for 2014, that didn't come true. Professional and personal goals that I did not or couldn't meet. I thought about things a lot, wanted and yearned, but I basically feel like I was treading water last year, and am now feeling the letdown.

In myself. At the world.

Because some of my stagnation this year was due to outside circumstances. I was broke, I got sick, my job that I bust my ass at won't give me the raise I deserve. My relationship with Elle took some big steps forward, but also some painful steps back. And I think I'm mad about all of that, but also feel that I don't have a right to be mad. I have a lot of really great things going for me, but at the same time, LIFE IS HARD. It's hard for everyone, in a thousand same and different ways. It's felt hard for me this year. I feel like 2014 was a hard year for the the entire world, with all of the tragic things that have happened and keep happening everywhere.

So I guess what I'm really saying is that I'm entering this new year feeling a bit hopeless. But also determined. But pessimistic. But driven. But also worried. But lucky.

But scared.

But fragile.

This year I felt I like if I could only do a little bit, if I could only make a small step forward toward a bigger, seemingly distant goal, then that wasn't enough and so what was the point. I'm starting to see now that of course its all those little steps that get you to the big goal. Nothing happens overnight. Nothing important and meaningful happens without time and lots of little, seemingly pointless steps slightly forward.

I forgot that this year.

I woke up on January 2nd in tears, from the most emotional and moving dream I think I have ever had. I don't feel ready to share the details, but basically the dream shook me into more awareness of how lucky I am, and how precious my life is, and how grateful I should be, and that there is beauty and joy to be found everywhere, even where you least expect it to be. I cried about that dream for an entire day. Even as I write about it now it makes me teary.  It was very powerful, and I'm still trying to figure out what it means, what my unconscious mind is trying to tell me.

I think I've figured some of it out though. And so my resolutions for this year are to be grateful, to remember what I have, and to just DO it. Just keep moving forward. One small step at a time. Those small steps are all anyone really has.
They are everything.


Sunday, December 14, 2014

When Home Moves Away

A few years ago, I decided for the first time not to go home for Christmas.  I made this decision after finding myself, the year before that, alone with my parents for almost a week over the Christmas holiday, without the buffer of my younger brother to help me carry the emotional load of their unique brand of loving-but-distant, present-but-unavailable. I returned home from that trip and made my closest friends SWEAR to remind me at holiday time the following year of how shitty I felt in that moment, so that I wouldn’t let my guilt land me in the exact same position again—at my parents' home, feeling unseen, alone, angry, guilty, and completely unable to do anything about it or really explain why I even felt that way.
(Sidebar: my best attempt at explaining why it's so hard for me to go home can be found here, "Home Visit", a post I wrote the next time I went home for Christmas, after my year off.  Let the record show that it was…still hard.)

So the next year, I stayed home. I spent Christmas with friends and it was great. I felt loved and happy and free to be (you and) me.  But I also felt a lot of sadness that year. I felt the irrevocable closing of the door of my childhood. I felt old. I felt that my home was gone, even as I was also walking away from it, toward the home I was creating for myself, with my chosen family. 

This year, I’m again not seeing my parents for Christmas, though not so much by choice as by circumstance. And I don’t feel so unhappy about it this year, as I’ve seen them a lot this year and will instead be spending time with my brother. I’m actually looking forward to a different kind of Christmas. The change feels good this time.


This is the year that Elle is feeling her childhood door swiftly close, and it’s hard. Her parents are changing how Christmas happens, and she’s struggling with the loss of how things used to be. As I see her going through this, it hurts my heart, as I know how difficult that feeling of loss is. It’s hard when you’re just not quite ready for things to be that different—when you need one more year at your grandparents’ house, like it always was. When you didn’t know that last time was the last time. When you didn’t get to say goodbye.

But then there is the part of her, and of me, that is excited and ready to start a new tradition for the holidays, one where we’re in the same place on Christmas Day. That’s a big deal though, to want that. It feels very significant, a Moment in our relationship, which is also scary. And exciting. And scary. And as we look forward to having our version of home together, there are still the whispers of the home we can never go back to.

It’s hard when home moves away, even as a part of you is glad to see it go.