Monday, April 10, 2017

Gut (aka INFJ woes)



I haven't written about this here before, but I have a confession.

I believe very strongly in the Myers-Briggs personality types, and...

My name is Edie, and I'm an INFJ. This means a lot of things. But what it means most of all is that my "gut" stays telling me things I don't want to hear.

It's always right, too. It annoys the fuck out of me.

Often, what it's telling me is "This is not good for you. You need to step back. You need to step away. This is not what you need or want. You don't have to keep doing this. You don't like this. It's not right."

Then, like clockwork, my brain: "But, how do I know? Are you sure? Am I sure? I think I'm being too particular, too picky. This should be good for me! This should be what I want! Why isn't it what I want? It used to be what I want. It used to be what I want? Why doesn't it feel good? I don't want to hurt them. They are so good and nice and love me. I love them. This is good. This is fine. Right?"

I really shouldn't be asking that question so much, I don't think. 

"This is fine, right?"

All the time. On repeat. Never sure.

And I can never, really, say yes. I can't ever, really, relax into something being fine. Safe. Good. Right.**

Not for long anyway.

I have felt it before, for brief, beautiful moments--that feeling of safety, right-ness, clicking.

Then it goes.

Something happens. Maybe big, maybe not. Maybe a hundred little things. Little moments, little pin pricks. Little things that smart, that really shouldn't matter much, but they all really do. They all sting and they keep stinging.

There's this INFJ thing, where it feels like we can predict the future, can see how things are going to play out, especially in interpersonal interactions, based on hundreds of little clues that we process faster than we're aware, that manifest as an instinctual Knowing of something that we can't really know. But we do know. To our core, in our bones. We know how this person will react to that person, we know that so-and-so is feeling hurt right now about something no one else even noticed, we know that this other person feels left out, we know with this person, or that person, or you, or them, whether or not we'll be seen, if we'll feel safe, or if we won't. If it is right, or if it's not.

I hate it.

I can't ignore it.

It's happened again.


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**An article on Personalityhacker.com describes this experience perfectly:

"INFJs are far less interested in validation and are more interested in protection. They don’t need you to agree with them, they need to know you’re not going to hurt them, even if the fear of hurt is deeply unconscious.
There are some INFPs that have experienced trauma in the past and fear being hurt by others, but that’s more a product of wounding than anything intrinsic. The most protected, well-treated INFJ on the planet is still going to have something inside them scanning for people who would be deliberately hurtful."






Monday, February 13, 2017

grey

Hi lovelies. This is one of those posts where I'm not in therapy so I'm writing instead. Feel free to skip right over this bleakness.



Saturday, August 6, 2016

I'm (well, the New Lesbian Podcast) is back!

Hello lovelies!

Well. It's been a minute. Life has finally settled down enough (i.e. I have achieved the Major Career Goals I've been working toward for the past 10 years) and I have enough distance from my breakup with Elle (we're still close friends, btw, and I'm sure I'll have lots to say about that, and how very lesbian it all is, in another post later) to finally finish editing an episode of the podcast that we recorded almost a year ago, with some of our lovely friends. It's called "Queer Round Table" and it's a great episode, full of a lot of interesting topics, and a lot of laughs, and a lot of crickets (we were outside, in the woods).

So, you can search for the New Lesbian Podcast on iTunes or whatever podcast listener you use (though it might take a day for the new episode to show up) OR you can listen in the player below, OR you can click the link below to listen on the podcast website, where you can also find every single episode of the show, since they eventually disappear from the iTunes feed.

New Lesbian Podcast website



I'm also working on answering all of the email questions I've gotten this past year, so stay tuned! I haven't forgotten you guys, so watch this space and the podcast for that.

So, in other words, I'm back!

xx



Friday, March 11, 2016

Can't not.

Well. I finally NEED to write.

Why, you may wonder?

This weekend I'm packing up all of my stuff and moving it out of Elle's apartment.

Elle's apartment.

Not ours, anymore.

Was it ever?

I don't live there anymore. I haven't for awhile and it's better that I don't. Of course.

But.

The fact that this is what my weekend will be, that this weekend I will be packing my self out of that space where so much happened, where so much was gained, and lost, has rattled me. I feel awful. Depressed. I think I'm dehydrated. I feel fuzzy and sad and anxious and lonely and also ready for it to just be done.

I feel out of sorts and like I don't understand what my life is. Why is this my life? How is this my life? I feel completely out of control and terrified. I also know that I did the best I could (whatever that means, whatever that's worth). That this needs to happen. Needed to happen. I know all of that.

I know that I have capital-g-capital-t Good Things happening, too. And I should be, and am, really fucking grateful for a lot of things, for what I have, even as I feel so utterly, helplessly unmoored. I am grateful.

But I'm mad. I'm mad that everything is so hard and that at the end of the day you always have to deal with your shit alone. No matter how much love you have, how many people are supporting you, how many things are good.

Still, at the end of the day only you can deal with your shit. Only you can lie in the bed you've made.

Unmade.

And it all hurts.

Even the good, right things hurt?

Ain't that a kick in the pants.





Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Break.

I've been having a hard time figuring out how to write this post. It's weeks (months, really) overdue, but I just haven't known what to say. How much to say. How little.

Elle and I have broken up. I initiated the break up, and not in a way that I am proud of. I made mistakes in how I ended things, and thought the pain and hurt I've been silently enduring for many months would soften, if not justify, the way things ended. But of course, things don't happen that way. Of course not. 

So the way we broke up wasn't good. It was, in fact, bad. And I am to blame for that.

But, the reasons at the core of it all? Those have been there for a long time. We should have ended things sooner. We were both scared. Stubborn, maybe. I wanted it to work. I'm not a quitter. This is a problem that I very much need to work on. I saw ending the relationship as a failure on my part. As a negation of our time together, of the sacrifices and work that have gone into the past 3.5 years. 

That's not the right way to think about a relationship, and when it should end.

And yet, that's where I was. I wanted to wait it out. I KNOW that relationships are hard, take work, are not always wonderful and lovely and easy. But I think I forgot that they SHOULD always feel safe. Even when things are hard. Even when there is work to do.

I forgot that.

So things ended in a way that was born of feeling scared, trapped, avoidant, lonely, sad. Things should have ended differently, but the result is the same. We have broken up. I feel it is what we both needed.

Our timing was always off. We could never get in sync. That is heartbreaking to me, but it is so, so very true.

I want us both to be happy. I want us both to feel safe and held.

I hope we both find that.



Wednesday, October 7, 2015

on loneliness

Sometimes I think we end up feeling more alone when we are in relationships. Do you know what I mean? Like when you want that one person to be your confidante, your friend, your lover. Just them. But what if they can't be? What if they're gone? What do you do? If you can't go to them, be with them--if they are not there...

Then what do you do? It's hard because--you can't go anywhere else, really. Nor do you want to. You want it to be them. Want to get all of those things from them. But they aren't available. They're not there, for a thousand potential reasons. A thousand valid, completely understandable reasons.

So, you are alone.

With your thoughts. With the chores. With your fears.

When you're single, it doesn't hurt so much. You learn how to lean more on yourself in moments like this. And more on a network of friends. Being alone doesn't feel so lonely.

But once there is The One, that network gets weaker. It shouldn't. It does. And it hurts more when you find yourself on your own, left alone with the weight of your life, because you don't expect it anymore. You're not supposed to be, anymore.

But really, aren't we always?




Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Season 2 of the New Lesbian Podcast!

Lovelies!

It has been way, way too long. But I have good news! Though I don't have any new writing for you (though I am still chugging away on the book, and it's really coming together), I DO have a new episode of the New Lesbian Podcast for your aural pleasure :)

In this episode, Elle and I talk about a few of the big queer news events that happened in the 6 months we've been AWOL (though we recorded BEFORE the big marriage equality news, go figure) and we also have Episode 10 in the can, patiently waiting to be edited (by me), so that one will be out soon too! Episode 10 features a lot of great listener questions, and we always want to hear from you so keep 'em coming! Sharing what you're going through can really help others who are trying to figure out their path--it can make all the difference to know that you're not alone and not crazy for feeling the way you do, and I know this from some of the amazing messages I've gotten from you guys. That's the whole reason why any of this, the blog, the show, is here, so please reach out if you need a listening ear and a place to not feel alone.

I went off-track and got a little sappy there, sorry, but anyway here's Episode 9!

xx



Finally! It’s Season 2 of the New Lesbian podcast and in this episode it’s a queer news roundup: the tragic continuing trend of teen Trans* suicides, the unveiling of Caitlyn Jenner, the WNBA romance debacle, and the rise of the gay Youtuber. We round things out with everyone’s favorite/most hated segment, Who Would You Do: Harry Potter addition, where Edie explains why Virgos make the best lovers. PLUS, we’ve got a fancy new mic, and don’t quite know how to use it! (Please excuse the weird noises.) Happy Summer, lovelies!
Show links:
I Am Here: The Untold Stories of Everyday People“-Edie has a story in this new book from StoryShelter!

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