Monday, September 1, 2014

Lesbian Hodgepodge (Episode 6 of the podcast!)

Hello lovelies! Episode 6 of the New Lesbian Podcast is here!

In this episode, Elle and I discuss some femme lesbian couples we are LOVING right now (specifically, Samira Wiley and Lauren Morelli from OITNB), and how seeing femme lesbians in the media matters. We answer some listener questions sent in from ask.fm, including how to prepare for moving in with your girlfriend, then it's a new segment, Peeves and Props, and everyone’s favorite, Who Would You Do: Grey’s Anatomy edition! newlesbianpodcast.wordpress.com




Episode Links:
Samira Wiley on Instagram
Lauren Morelli on Instagram
Samira and Lauren at the Emmys
Lauren Morelli’s open letter
Angel Haze Article
Props of the Week: Blue Stockings Boutique | @BlueStockingsBo
Peeve of the Week: “Faux Lesbian” Weddings? What do you think?
Who Would You Do suggestions? Put ‘em in the comments!

Forever Links:
Send us your thoughts and questions on ask.fm!
Stitcher Radio app
New Lesbian blog
Advertise with us! (ediewyatt@gmail.com)

Social Medias:
Twitter:  @edie_wyatt  |  @new_elle
New Lesbian on Facebook
Follow New Lesbian on Tumblr
Edie on Instagram

Help us buy a real microphone!








Saturday, August 23, 2014

On Queerness (Podcast Episode 5)

Hi lovelies!

I wanted to share the most recent episode of the New Lesbian Podcast with you, called "Can I Be Queer Here." I'm really proud of it.  Elle and I talk about what being "queer" actually means.  There's a lot of misinformation that gets spread far and wide about what it means if someone identifies as queer, and we were inspired to do this episode after seeing up close and personal some of that misinformation being spread to thousands of people on twitter, and then being defended as truth.  It was really upsetting and disappointing to see, so we thought we would try to do something about it.

Please share this episode on your twitter and facebook--we all have to help educate people. Ignorance is the basis for so much of the discrimination in the world--fight back! (And now I'll get off my soap box.)

So, here is Episode 5 of the New Lesbian podcast. You can also listen on iTunes, SoundCloud, or any other podcast app!

xx



Links:
Edie’s Facebook friend: MJGardner.com
Derek Jarman (British Gay Rights Activist)
The Mighty Ducks Movie
Aaron Schwartz grew up nice
Emilio Estevez looked great in 1985
Send us your questions and tell us what you think on ask.fm!
Stitcher Radio app (please rate us if you like the show!)

Social Medias:
Twitter:  @edie_wyatt  |  @new_elle
New Lesbian on Facebook
Follow New Lesbian on Tumblr
Edie on Instagram



Friday, August 15, 2014

New Lesbian: The Podcast Episode 4!

Hello lovelies!
New Lesbian: The Podcast Episode 4 is here! (It's actually been here for awhile, but I never got a chance to do a post about it, oops). Listen in the player below, or on iTunes, Stitcher, Soundcloud, or whatever podcast app thingy you like! Show notes are below--this was a good one!

xx




In this episode we talk about Elle meeting ALL of Edie’s family on a visit to the South, during which Edie dissociated slightly, and why you shouldn’t start a detox when you’re introducing your girlfriend to your family. We also answer a listener question about what to do when you’re feeling scared about dating. Then it’s Who Would You Do: Orphan Black edition! (Watch that show, guys, it’s excellent.) newlesbianpodcast.wordpress.com

Links:
New Lesbian Blog post about Edie’s experiences at her parents’ house

Zaxby’s

Orphan Black (You can watch all of Season 1 free with Amazon Prime if you have it!)

Edie’s XOJane.com piece on bankruptcy

Send us your questions on ask.fm!

Social Medias:

Twitter:
@edie_wyatt     @new_elle

New Lesbian on Facebook

Follow New Lesbian on Tumblr

Edie on Instagram


Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Bankrupt

Hi lovelies,

As some of you who follow me on twitter might already know, I had a piece published on xoJane.com last week, which revealed that I filed for bankruptcy last year, and continue to have a hard time making ends meet financially. I've been trying to write that piece for a long time, almost a year, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it, to admit that things were really that bad. But they were.

The xoJane article
In some ways, they still are. 

I'll be digging myself out of the hole I ended up in for many more years, and things will continue to be very tight for me for a long time.

That part of my story isn't unique, of course. So many of us are struggling every single day to make ends meet. The point I was really trying to make with the xoJane piece (which I think got lost in translation for some people, if the comments section is any indication) is that I couldn't reconcile the fact that I had just graduated with a doctoral degree, and had (by then) a decent job, but also couldn't afford to eat because of all the debt I had wracked up in the 2 years after my divorce, when I was living for a time on part-time work, and still in school.

It didn't add up, didn't seem right, and it was really hard for me to take a long hard look at how that had happened.  It was (and still is) almost impossible for me to tolerate telling my peers and friends the truth about my situation. It remains extremely embarrassing and shameful for me, but I also wanted to start telling more of the truth about my life, as I promised a few posts ago.

The point of the xoJane piece was really intended to be more about that part, that I feel ashamed and hide a lot of my current life from my friends because money and money problems aren't talked about, and how I feel that I especially can't talk about that because on paper my life should be pretty sweet. That's what the piece was supposed to be about.

But there a lot of things I left out of the xoJane piece, in terms of the things I wish I had done differently:

  • I wish I had not listened to my husband when he said that I should stop working while in school. This was his idea, when we moved in together, before we were even engaged. I should not have stopped working.  It was just a retail job, and I hated it, but I should have kept it.
  • I wish that I had started saving from that time as well.  I should have kept working and been saving, always. As I wrote in the piece, I think I felt that if I had kept a separate savings account while I was with my husband I would have been expecting the worst, expecting the end, saving to protect myself "in case my man left me." I see now (and as many commented on the piece) that I should have been saving in case of ANY unforeseen situation, like, for example, me realizing my husband was an asshole and, oh, also that I am gay.
  • Once I finally had a decent, paying job, I should have stopped using the credit cards. Had I done that, so much stress would have been avoided. To stop using them, of course, would have meant living more meagerly, and that's what I should have done. But I was foolish, and not thinking ahead, and was consumed with keeping up with the Joneses, and had been privileged enough my whole life to not really understand how much I could live without. I only really started to figure that out in the past year, what I really need and what I don't. It's been quite a wake up call.
  • I should have remembered that my student loan payments WOULD START. I was in denial about the reality of that inevitable burden.  I was in school for so long that it just kept seeming like something that I wouldn't have to deal with until "later." When later actually came, I was totally, utterly screwed. The little bit of planning I had been doing, the budget I was living by, did not include paying back 125K in student loans. Whoops.
  • I should have sought out financial planning help, since none was ever provided in all of my 30 years. Some people in the comments of the xoJane article said that at 30 I just "should have known" how to deal with my money. I agree with that, in part. Some things are common sense, aren't they? But part of my issue, privileged as it is, is that I had never been on my own before. I went from my parents' house, to college, to living with my boyfriend. When I think about that now I can't help but shake my head. What a child I was, you know? I didn't realize it at the time, but I had not ever been truly independent until I was 29 years old. I didn't know how to do it, clearly, and so I made a mess of things. So I stand by saying that I wish someone had told me how to plan and save my money. I don't think that most of us get those lessons from anywhere, particularly if you're in the academic world.  Money is JUST NOT TALKED ABOUT. I can't emphasize that enough. Add to that the fact that I was sold the fantasy that my expensive degree would guarantee me easy access to a great, high-paying job and I was sunk before I even began.
I'm curious what you think about all of this. I know what the xoJane crowd thinks, but what of you lovelies? Be honest, I promise I can take it!

xx




Friday, July 25, 2014

Moving in

Elle and I are moving in together in two months.

This is a HUGE step, both for me, and for our relationship.  When I left my marriage, my life before, one of the things that was most important to me, as clichéd as it may sound, was finally having a room of my own. I craved, NEEDED, a space that was just mine, where I didn't have to answer to anyone, could be who I wanted, do what I wanted, without feeling the ever-present, strong pull I've felt my whole life to govern my actions based on the needs and opinions and expectations of everyone around me.

I needed to be alone.

And that "alone" time, these past few years, has changed me. For the better. I've started to be much more honest with myself about what I like and don't like, how I want to live and how I don't, what's okay in my daily life and what's not.  I don't think I would have been able to really figure any of that out if I hadn't, finally, had my own space.  I know what I like to do on a weekend night, I know how many dishes I can stand to pile up in the sink before I lose it (which is every dish I own, if you’re curious), I know that I can't STAND paper everywhere, but am also at a loss for what to do with it and can't really throw any of it away.  I know that I like binge watching ABC Family sitcoms by myself. I know that I don't like too much noise after 10 pm, and that I like quiet mornings with the occasional morning radio show thrown in.  I know that I can keep a fairly tidy house even if I'm the only one who'll see it. I know that I don't really like having people in my space, that my home feels like my refuge from the noisy, loud, demanding world. I know that dog hair drives me crazy, and that I hate vacuuming with a fiery passion. I now know that I need quiet hours to think about the future, and plan, and write things out. I know that I actually really enjoy spending time alone, with my thoughts, and that that's okay.

Elle and I have been together for more than 2 years.  She began talking about living together at least a year ago, maybe earlier, and I just--I couldn't do it. I knew I wasn't ready, and it really had very little to do with her. Some of it did have to do with her, sure--we have very different thresholds for what kinds of messes we can tolerate, and the ways that she's messy irritate me and the ways that she's neat I don't even care about, and vice versa. So there were (are) concerns there, of course. But the real issue was that I wasn't ready to share my space again yet. I felt that I still didn't know myself enough yet, wasn't fortified enough yet to know who I am enough to be able to stay that person in the face of another's energy and constant influence, to stay that person in the face of my own extremely powerful urge to placate others and repress my own needs (thanks, childhood!).  I needed to make sure I could stay me once I lived with her.

I was scared I would lose myself again.  This fear has almost nothing to do with Elle.  It is my fear, the result of my past, my trauma, my marriage.

One of the main reasons I left my relationship with my ex-husband was because I had lost myself.  The person that I am had shriveled up and gone hiding deep inside.  It had felt like my only means of survival. 

Over the course of 10 years, my husband broke me down. The invalidation, the lack of friendship, the lack of respect, the raging narcissism-they all resulted in me giving up the fight. It was easier to just retreat.  After so much work, so much energy, so much crying and begging and trying to be seen and heard, I just stopped. I was gone.  And that is really why I left him. Sure, I wanted to sleep with women, too, but I had to leave regardless. He was breaking me and didn't even realize it, though I had tried so hard to tell him. He was breaking me, and claiming he loved me, but clearly not enough to try to see how he was closing me down and causing me pain.

And that was my last experience of living with someone. In my mind the sharing of space opens the door to being obliterated. Living together opens you up to the vulnerability of letting someone in enough that they can destroy you without you, or them, even realizing it's happening until it's too late.

It terrifies me.

And so I've lived alone for three years. I've built myself back up. I know who I am again.  I know how I deserve to be treated, and how I will never tolerate being treated again. And about 6 months ago I started to really feel, for the first time in so long, safe enough to be in that vulnerable place of sharing my home. I felt ready. I'm back.

And scared. But excited, too. I love Elle. I know that she is not my ex-husband, and I am not the person I was back then.  We have a solid, honest, loving, fun, good relationship and I believe that I can trust her to at least try to treat me gently.  That's all I can ask for. And this time I know that I will ask, and won't forget that that's what I deserve. 






Thursday, July 17, 2014

Very feelings.

Hi lovelies,

It's been awhile, I know. Sorry to be AWOL-ish. A lot's been going on in the past month or so, some of which I want to write about here, and some of which I'm not ready to write about yet. Things I'm ready to write about, and am working on posts for, include:
  • Elle and my trip down south, during which we stayed at my parents' house (in the same room! très scandaleux), and met an extremely large swath of my family, many of whom DID NOT EVEN KNOW I WAS DIVORCED, as it turns out. I'm trying to figure out the words to write about the experience. But I will. So stay tuned.
  • The fact that Elle and I will be moving in together in about two months! This is a big announcement that probably shouldn't be reduced to a bullet point, but there will also be a nice long post about this MAJOR development. So much to say about that one.


Some things I'm not quite ready to write about/am not sure I SHOULD even write about in this space include:
  • some health stuff I've got going on
  • my disillusionment with New York
  • my endless money woes
  • how I've realized that my trust issues weave in and out of every aspect of my life more than I'd like to admit.

I mean, does one write about such things on a blog called New Lesbian? Shouldn't I be able to just decide that myself since it's my blog? One would think. But I find myself feeling...stuck and a bit confused and like this blog has gotten away from being what it used to be for me, and what it used to do, emotionally, for me.  That's no one's fault but my own, of course.

I think maybe I started to limit the scope of what I wrote about here as a defense against all the stuff that I really SHOULD be writing about.  And at this point in my life, a lot of that stuff doesn't have much to do with my gayness. I'm here, I'm queer, I'm used to it, and now I need to write about ALL THE OTHER SHIT. 

Can I do that here?  I think I feel like maybe that's not okay, or won't be okay, with you, the nameless, faceless, lovely person reading this.

Maybe I need to get over it. Maybe I'm underestimating all of you.

I'm gonna work on that. It's time to really open up again.

My soul needs it.

Stay tuned.




Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Pride Recap (and Episode 3)

Hi lovelies,
Well, pride has come and gone.  Elle and I had a very long, VERY hot, but ultimately great day at NYC Pride on Sunday, and I'm glad that I dragged myself out and celebrated. We of course missed seeing the OITNB float (endlessly crying over that) but we had a great brunch (so important), walked about 1000 miles trying to get around the parade (which I dubbed "the monster"), were delighted at the diversity and joy of the day, met up with some old friends and made some new ones, so all in all, a great, gay success.

We also recorded the next episode of the podcast over Pride weekend, and you can listen to that below if you're so inclined (show notes are below the player!). The episode is called "Clem"--10 'cool nerd' points to anyone who gets the reference before they listen! Put your guesses in the comments, I know I have some nerdy queer ladies lurking who know what's up :)

xx


In this episode of the New Lesbian podcast, we discuss our pride plans, our endless love for Tegan and Sara, and talk about some new-to-you reader/listener questions. Edie shares her experience with dental dams, and then it’s Who Would You Do: Buffy the Vampire Slayer Edition! Share your thoughts with us at newlesbianpodcast.wordpress.com

Links:
Social Medias:
Follow Elle @new_elle