Friday, July 25, 2014

Moving in

Elle and I are moving in together in two months.

This is a HUGE step, both for me, and for our relationship.  When I left my marriage, my life before, one of the things that was most important to me, as clichéd as it may sound, was finally having a room of my own. I craved, NEEDED, a space that was just mine, where I didn't have to answer to anyone, could be who I wanted, do what I wanted, without feeling the ever-present, strong pull I've felt my whole life to govern my actions based on the needs and opinions and expectations of everyone around me.

I needed to be alone.

And that "alone" time, these past few years, has changed me. For the better. I've started to be much more honest with myself about what I like and don't like, how I want to live and how I don't, what's okay in my daily life and what's not.  I don't think I would have been able to really figure any of that out if I hadn't, finally, had my own space.  I know what I like to do on a weekend night, I know how many dishes I can stand to pile up in the sink before I lose it (which is every dish I own, if you’re curious), I know that I can't STAND paper everywhere, but am also at a loss for what to do with it and can't really throw any of it away.  I know that I like binge watching ABC Family sitcoms by myself. I know that I don't like too much noise after 10 pm, and that I like quiet mornings with the occasional morning radio show thrown in.  I know that I can keep a fairly tidy house even if I'm the only one who'll see it. I know that I don't really like having people in my space, that my home feels like my refuge from the noisy, loud, demanding world. I know that dog hair drives me crazy, and that I hate vacuuming with a fiery passion. I now know that I need quiet hours to think about the future, and plan, and write things out. I know that I actually really enjoy spending time alone, with my thoughts, and that that's okay.

Elle and I have been together for more than 2 years.  She began talking about living together at least a year ago, maybe earlier, and I just--I couldn't do it. I knew I wasn't ready, and it really had very little to do with her. Some of it did have to do with her, sure--we have very different thresholds for what kinds of messes we can tolerate, and the ways that she's messy irritate me and the ways that she's neat I don't even care about, and vice versa. So there were (are) concerns there, of course. But the real issue was that I wasn't ready to share my space again yet. I felt that I still didn't know myself enough yet, wasn't fortified enough yet to know who I am enough to be able to stay that person in the face of another's energy and constant influence, to stay that person in the face of my own extremely powerful urge to placate others and repress my own needs (thanks, childhood!).  I needed to make sure I could stay me once I lived with her.

I was scared I would lose myself again.  This fear has almost nothing to do with Elle.  It is my fear, the result of my past, my trauma, my marriage.

One of the main reasons I left my relationship with my ex-husband was because I had lost myself.  The person that I am had shriveled up and gone hiding deep inside.  It had felt like my only means of survival. 

Over the course of 10 years, my husband broke me down. The invalidation, the lack of friendship, the lack of respect, the raging narcissism-they all resulted in me giving up the fight. It was easier to just retreat.  After so much work, so much energy, so much crying and begging and trying to be seen and heard, I just stopped. I was gone.  And that is really why I left him. Sure, I wanted to sleep with women, too, but I had to leave regardless. He was breaking me and didn't even realize it, though I had tried so hard to tell him. He was breaking me, and claiming he loved me, but clearly not enough to try to see how he was closing me down and causing me pain.

And that was my last experience of living with someone. In my mind the sharing of space opens the door to being obliterated. Living together opens you up to the vulnerability of letting someone in enough that they can destroy you without you, or them, even realizing it's happening until it's too late.

It terrifies me.

And so I've lived alone for three years. I've built myself back up. I know who I am again.  I know how I deserve to be treated, and how I will never tolerate being treated again. And about 6 months ago I started to really feel, for the first time in so long, safe enough to be in that vulnerable place of sharing my home. I felt ready. I'm back.

And scared. But excited, too. I love Elle. I know that she is not my ex-husband, and I am not the person I was back then.  We have a solid, honest, loving, fun, good relationship and I believe that I can trust her to at least try to treat me gently.  That's all I can ask for. And this time I know that I will ask, and won't forget that that's what I deserve. 






Thursday, July 17, 2014

Very feelings.

Hi lovelies,

It's been awhile, I know. Sorry to be AWOL-ish. A lot's been going on in the past month or so, some of which I want to write about here, and some of which I'm not ready to write about yet. Things I'm ready to write about, and am working on posts for, include:
  • Elle and my trip down south, during which we stayed at my parents' house (in the same room! très scandaleux), and met an extremely large swath of my family, many of whom DID NOT EVEN KNOW I WAS DIVORCED, as it turns out. I'm trying to figure out the words to write about the experience. But I will. So stay tuned.
  • The fact that Elle and I will be moving in together in about two months! This is a big announcement that probably shouldn't be reduced to a bullet point, but there will also be a nice long post about this MAJOR development. So much to say about that one.


Some things I'm not quite ready to write about/am not sure I SHOULD even write about in this space include:
  • some health stuff I've got going on
  • my disillusionment with New York
  • my endless money woes
  • how I've realized that my trust issues weave in and out of every aspect of my life more than I'd like to admit.

I mean, does one write about such things on a blog called New Lesbian? Shouldn't I be able to just decide that myself since it's my blog? One would think. But I find myself feeling...stuck and a bit confused and like this blog has gotten away from being what it used to be for me, and what it used to do, emotionally, for me.  That's no one's fault but my own, of course.

I think maybe I started to limit the scope of what I wrote about here as a defense against all the stuff that I really SHOULD be writing about.  And at this point in my life, a lot of that stuff doesn't have much to do with my gayness. I'm here, I'm queer, I'm used to it, and now I need to write about ALL THE OTHER SHIT. 

Can I do that here?  I think I feel like maybe that's not okay, or won't be okay, with you, the nameless, faceless, lovely person reading this.

Maybe I need to get over it. Maybe I'm underestimating all of you.

I'm gonna work on that. It's time to really open up again.

My soul needs it.

Stay tuned.




Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Pride Recap (and Episode 3)

Hi lovelies,
Well, pride has come and gone.  Elle and I had a very long, VERY hot, but ultimately great day at NYC Pride on Sunday, and I'm glad that I dragged myself out and celebrated. We of course missed seeing the OITNB float (endlessly crying over that) but we had a great brunch (so important), walked about 1000 miles trying to get around the parade (which I dubbed "the monster"), were delighted at the diversity and joy of the day, met up with some old friends and made some new ones, so all in all, a great, gay success.

We also recorded the next episode of the podcast over Pride weekend, and you can listen to that below if you're so inclined (show notes are below the player!). The episode is called "Clem"--10 'cool nerd' points to anyone who gets the reference before they listen! Put your guesses in the comments, I know I have some nerdy queer ladies lurking who know what's up :)

xx


In this episode of the New Lesbian podcast, we discuss our pride plans, our endless love for Tegan and Sara, and talk about some new-to-you reader/listener questions. Edie shares her experience with dental dams, and then it’s Who Would You Do: Buffy the Vampire Slayer Edition! Share your thoughts with us at newlesbianpodcast.wordpress.com

Links:
Social Medias:
Follow Elle @new_elle



Thursday, June 26, 2014

HAPPY PRIDE!

Happy Pride lovelies!!



It's June, that time of year when all the gays frolic in the streets of their respective cities being loud and rainbow colored and proud of who they are. A lovely time.

But...so far all I've done to "celebrate" this wonderful and important month is go see Tegan and Sara twice in 3 days. That counts, though, right?



I have to admit, I've been feeling pretty lazy lately and just haven't been able to get myself fully into the pride spirit this year. Maybe it's because I've haven't been feeling 100%, maybe it's because I'm just fucking old and don't want to do the whole party thing anymore. Parties always end up being a really expensive and exhausting let down. Why not just celebrate pride by...being proud, you know?

I think I'll probably do the Dyke March this year, which has become a bit of a tradition with my group of queers, and might actually watch the parade this year instead of just being drunk somewhere while it marches past LOL. And maybe brunch?

Wow. Can't you just feel the enthusiasm??!!??

Anyway, what are you loves doing (or what HAVE you done?) to celebrate this month? Inspire me!

xx

(P.S. Elle and I will be recording another episode of the New Lesbian podcast this weekend, too! So keep your questions/comments/thoughts coming, and click here for a more podcast specific update.)




Sunday, June 15, 2014

Podcast Episode 2!




In this episode of the New Lesbian podcast we answer listener questions about having sex with a girl for the first time, and the best things about dating women.  We discuss realistic lesbian portrayals on screen, our favorite lesbian sex scenes, and how Orange is the New Black continues to DO IT RIGHT. Also, Scissoring? Yes? No? How?
We have some slightly harsh words for Jodie Foster, and our first installment of “New Lesbian Story Time”, where Elle talks about sleepaway camp, and those pesky “boy attraction feelings” she had for another girl camp-mate.
Finally, Who Would You Do-Saved by the Bell edition, plus some nostalgia about why the show was important to Edie as a young black girl who has always loved blondies.
Please rate and share our podcast, it helps alot! 
Links:
Follow us on twitter: @edie_wyatt @new_elle
Got something to say about anything we said? Share your opinions in the comments, we'll talk about them next week!
xx

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Podcast Episode 1 is here!

Hi lovelies!

The New Lesbian Podcast is finally here!



Listen to episodes right here, thanks to Stitcher Radio:


Check out the New Lesbian Podcast blog for show notes!

You can also listen on iTunes, Pocket Casts, or any other podcast app! (feed URL: http://feeds.feedburner.com/NewLesbianPodcastEpisodes)

(BIG NEWS: Elle finally has a twitter! She swears she will never actually tweet, but just in case, go find her at @new_elle!)

We'll be recording episode two soon, so keep your questions coming (ask.fm/ediewyatt) and thanks so much to those of you who've sent them in already!

xx



Saturday, May 24, 2014

Relationship advice

I got a really great question on my ask.fm page, and though I answered it over there, I'm going to post it here too.  I feel like this one's important. (By the way, thanks so much to all of you who've been sending in questions!  Keep 'em coming, they'll be talked about in the first episode of the podcast, which Elle and I will be recording this week!)


“You recently wrote that you and your gf went through a tough time. Are things better now and if they are how did you get through it. I’m going through a rough time right now in my relationship and could use some advice”-Anonymous

Things are better between Elle and I now, but it took time.  I think we had about a month to a month and a half that were really hard, and we’ve had hard times before.  A lot of our issues both this time, and in the past, are about our communication—or, actually, about our LACK of communication.  We weren’t talking about how we were really feeling about a lot of things, and weren’t telling each other what we needed (both from the other person, and in our lives in general), and that led to a lot of the problems we were having.

The solution was TALKING. A lot. And talking honestly, and about things that made us feel vulnerable.  I think that each of us heard, and said, things that we maybe would have rather been kept inside, but if we had, we would have continued down a bad road for our relationship, because we would have been pretending that things were okay when they weren’t.

I don’t know the specifics of what’s happening in your relationship, of course, but whatever it is, the most important thing you can do to try to work through it is to talk to each other. About all of it. About every feeling and fear you’re having.  But I think it’s really important to point out that Elle and I didn’t FIGHT to work through our issues. Yes we got loud sometimes, and there were many tears, but you have to talk it out remembering that you’re both on the same team. Try to not to get nasty, unless the intention is for the relationship to end. I know from experience that the nasty things said in tough times leave deep and lasting wounds.  If both of you still want to be together, if you want to get past this tough time and still be together, make sure to remember that and remind each other of that. You have to remember that the whole reason why everything is happening between the two of you is because you love each other, and are trying to make it work, but maybe don’t know how or are scared.  Be kind, even as you are sharing your hurt, or hearing things that hurt you to hear.

I hope this helps, anon. Keep me posted?

xx