Thursday, September 26, 2013

How Youtube reminded me that I like makeup! (See also: Femme Invisibility??)

The title of this post makes no sense, I'm aware. But trust me, we'll get there.

So let me back up a bit.  Many years ago, back when I was straight and married and all that jazz, I was also very very into makeup. I had a lot of it, I thought about it alot, I was always trying to figure out how it worked and what to do, and was kind of into the science and art of it (nerd alert). Looking back on it, I also think at that time makeup was a way for me to hide, and escape, and be something other than myself.  I have a conflicted relationship with how I look (and wrote about it hereand I'm pretty sure that for much of my life, I've used makeup to be other, and to seem "perfect" and "nice" so that nobody could see who I really was.

Sad, huh?

So then, when I left my marriage, left that life, and dove head first into my new found lesbian-ness, I kind of stopped wearing makeup? It wasn't a conscious thing, but it was almost like I felt like I didn't need to pretend to be something I wasn't, there wasn't so much pressure to appeal to the Male Gaze, and I felt liberated in that. NOT that I wore makeup before because I was trying to hide that I was gay--I WASN'T gay then, so that's not what I was hiding. I think I was just hiding that I was someone OTHER than the person everyone thought I was. I was more counter-culture, I was more bawdy, I was less nice, I was more snarky and loud and wild than most people knew, and I think "putting on my face" every day was a way to hide all of THAT stuff.  I spent a lot of time feeling like the real me was just TOO MUCH. And so I hid.

But then, once I was living on my own, and not with a man, and was dating women and starting to live authentically, I guess I felt that I didn't need to cover up so much. Which was a good thing.  But I was also confused about how the "girly" parts of myself--my appreciation of lip gloss and a flawless face and dramatic lashes--could fit in with the gay parts of myself.  I remember going to Stiletto for the first time, wearing heels and makeup, and I felt completely awkward and out of place. And like I had missed the memo. I didn't have to dress like that anymore, duh. And it turned out that I really didn't want to dress like that anymore, at least not then.

So I threw my heels in the back of my closet, and reveled in being more comfortable when I went out, and in not having to work so hard to "look nice", and in feeling more like myself as I chopped off my hair and started dressing not for the stereotypical "man" but for women. For me.

So how does Youtube fit into all of this??? Why am I rambling at you? Are you even still reading this? Right. So during this time, I discovered the talented and hilarious Hannah Hart, who created My Drunk Kitchen and is on her way to being quite famous.  Here's one of my favorite vids of hers, an oldie but a goodie:





And then I saw a video she did with "professional fangirl" Tyler Oakley, who I then learned is my spirit animal because of his thirst for One Direction....but...let me not go into that right now....moving on!

Okay, so then I saw one of Tyler's videos with Tanya Burr, who is a makeup artist in the UK who is adorable and charming and makes awesome, helpful videos that made me remember how much I love makeup! But my favorite video of hers is actually this one, which has absolutely nothing to do with makeup and just involves a lot of screaming. Comic gold, I swear:





So, I saw that video, started clicking around on her channel, and was like "Ohhhhhhhhh, pretty...." and found myself being drawn back to my still quite large makeup collection, and trying things out again. And it's fun! And I like putting sparkly stuff on my eyes and "contouring" and all that shit, ok?! I LIKE PLAYING WITH MAKEUP OKAY.

But, I can't help but wonder...how will anyone know that I'm gay now? And WHAM, just like that the Femme Invisibility problem slaps me in the face again.

Though I haven't really written about it much, I think about Femme Invisibility a lot. Both my girlfriend and I "pass" as straight. At my job, even before I started wearing makeup again, the assumption is that I am a straight woman, and if anyone wonders if maybe I'm not straight, it's only because I am always trying to advocate for queer issues and make sure to always bring them up in meetings. But if I am walking down the street, especially if I'm dressed for work, no one would ever think that I love eating pussy. Which I do.

And that bothers me. Maybe it shouldn't bother me? I don't know, but it does.  And so I find myself conflicted and confused and wondering why it matters so much to me that people on the street not assume I'm a straight person just because I'm wearing blush and lipgloss.  And why is that the assumption that's made anyway? It's not fair, to any of us, really, gay or straight or anything in between, that any assumptions are made at all, in either direction.

And yet, we are human beings, and human beings like labels and boxes.

I don't know what to do about any of this, it's just where I'm at right now, all thanks to Youtube (you see? I told you!).

The good news is that a documentary is in the works that tackles the Femme Invisibility issue head on.  It's called Girl On Girl. I am EXTREMELY excited about this project, and plan to donate the 5 cents I can spare when they launch their IndieGoGo campaign OCTOBER 2.

My two reactions after watching the trailer? 1) Oh, there I am!! 2) THANK YOU.


Girl on Girl: an original documentary -- Official Promo Trailer from Jodi Savitz on Vimeo.



Behold, Tumblr!

Hi lovelies!
I finally made a tumblr for this blog, woot!
If you're on tumblr (and if you're not, um, why? It's the gayest place on earth.) come say hi. I'm gonna be following back and all that jazz. Only just got it going, so not much to see yet, but there will be lots to see. Lots of gay, girly things to see.

Get pumped.

<3





Friday, September 13, 2013

worth

It's been almost 3 years now since I took the first drastic steps out of my life as a married, straight woman.

Still, nearly every day, I feel, very strongly, the deep impact of that decision. Those of you who've followed this blog for a little while know that I have some pretty significant financial stress. I still do.  Those of you who have followed from the beginning know that I've been extremely anxious and confused and at times felt very alone and scared.  Sometimes I still feel all of those things, even now, though about different things than at the start. 

Sometimes I wonder if I was a fool for walking away from a life of (material) comfort and (seeming) "perfection." Some days I still cry at how heavy the weight of my reality is.  But here's the thing...

It is all worth it.


Because as heavy as things feel sometimes, I am living MY LIFE now. Living my truth--my honest, real life. And doing that is really fucking hard. 


And it's also the best thing in the world.



Saturday, September 7, 2013

in which I am baffled by my past...

I've been working on the book today, editing things I wrote in 2006, when I was 24, and it is a jarring fucking experience, lemme tell you.

I was SO. YOUNG. So confused, so self-absorbed, so dependent on how others saw me to have any way to see myself. It's painful to re-experience, honestly.  I was using my sexuality to try to feel seen, loved, relevant. And, shockingly, it didn't work. Go figure.

And more than that, I was SO STRAIGHT. I mean, what?? Honestly, if it hadn't happened to me, and not that long ago, I would be confused as hell by where I've ended up, i.e. gay. I mean, at 24, I was having a lot of sex, with several men. Often.

There were a lot of naked penises in my vicinity is what I'm saying. (Don't worry, you'll get to read all about that in the book-that part of my life, though interesting and completely insane, doesn't really fit in with the theme of this blog!)

But my point is, that is quite literally a state of affairs that I have no interest in EVER happening again. Now, I am quite happily face deep in vagina and that's exactly how I like it, thank you very much. But 6 years ago I would have looked at you like you were cray if you had suggested that I would ever find myself fantasizing about, much less actually, fucking women and having no place else I'd rather be.

It's just--I mean...

Whaaaaat!!!????

So I guess what I'm saying is, that whole "sexual fluidity" thing...sure is a thing!

Oh, and also I was an asshole.


Bloglovin? Okay, then!

Hi lovelies, I recently discovered Bloglovin.com, which is apparently one of the new options to follow all the blogs you used to read in Google Reader (RIP), and anyway, I wanted to "claim" my blog as mine, so, here I am, claiming my blog! New, actual post coming later tonight!
<3
Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Ch-ch-changes

Hello dear readers!
It's been a very, very long time since I've updated, and I first want to apologize for that! It got hard to write about my relationship since, well, it's actually kind of a healthy one, filled with much more communication and love and respect than drama and guesswork and games, and apparently I'm not nearly as moved to write when I'm not feeling tortured. Go figure!
So I take it as a good sign, overall, that I haven't been around here much, though I'm sure at least 5 of you out there have been wondering what's happened to me! :)

I've been seeing from my stats and from some messages I've gotten that this blog has been and continues to be helpful to at least a handful of you, and that it's been meaningful to some of you to read someone else's story of bumbling along and figuring things out as you are in the process of doing the same.  And that's really the entire point of me putting my story online for all to see--to let you know that you're not alone, and that all the crazy shit you're trying to figure out IS crazy, but that you will also figure it out, and that tons of crazy shit happened to me too, and I came out of it...semi-ok!

Out of that sense of wanting to share my story so that others can feel not-so-alone, and maybe even be inspired to take some risks in their lives as they try to find their truth, I've started working on a memoir of sorts, based on this blog as well as 3 years of writing that I did BEFORE this blog, back before I was even married (ohhh, there are some good stories there!).  Getting my story out there in book form is going to take awhile, but while I do that work I wanted to give those of you who have found me here at New Lesbian a way to talk to me and keep up to date on when you'll be able to read more of my story.  I'll be leaving the blog up while I work on the book, but I would also like to open up this space up as a forum for people to ask me, and all of you, for advice with whatever confusing situations they may find themselves in as they're navigating their relationships and their sexuality.

So! I've created a twitter account under my never-before-known pseudonym (@edie_wyatt) and put a Follow Me button in the sidebar, so feel free to come hang out with me there. I'd love to actually talk to some of you who've been reading, I know there are a lot of you! If you're struggling with the kinds of stuff I've struggled with, and want advice, or HAVE advice to give (or just wanna talk about gay stuff), let's talk!

<3, Edie