Sunday, December 14, 2014

When Home Moves Away


A few years ago, I decided for the first time not to go home for Christmas.  I made this decision after finding myself, the year before that, alone with my parents for almost a week over the Christmas holiday, without the buffer of my younger brother to help me carry the emotional load of their unique brand of loving-but-distant, present-but-unavailable. I returned home from that trip and made my closest friends SWEAR to remind me at holiday time the following year of how shitty I felt in that moment, so that I wouldn’t let my guilt land me in the exact same position again—at my parents' home, feeling unseen, alone, angry, guilty, and completely unable to do anything about it or really explain why I even felt that way.
(Sidebar: my best attempt at explaining why it's so hard for me to go home can be found here, "Home Visit", a post I wrote the next time I went home for Christmas, after my year off.  Let the record show that it was…still hard.)

So the next year, I stayed home. I spent Christmas with friends and it was great. I felt loved and happy and free to be (you and) me.  But I also felt a lot of sadness that year. I felt the irrevocable closing of the door of my childhood. I felt old. I felt that my home was gone, even as I was also walking away from it, toward the home I was creating for myself, with my chosen family. 

This year, I’m again not seeing my parents for Christmas, though not so much by choice as by circumstance. And I don’t feel so unhappy about it this year, as I’ve seen them a lot this year and will instead be spending time with my brother. I’m actually looking forward to a different kind of Christmas. The change feels good this time.

But.

This is the year that Elle is feeling her childhood door swiftly close, and it’s hard. Her parents are changing how Christmas happens, and she’s struggling with the loss of how things used to be. As I see her going through this, it hurts my heart, as I know how difficult that feeling of loss is. It’s hard when you’re just not quite ready for things to be that different—when you need one more year at your grandparents’ house, like it always was. When you didn’t know that last time was the last time. When you didn’t get to say goodbye.

But then there is the part of her, and of me, that is excited and ready to start a new tradition for the holidays, one where we’re in the same place on Christmas Day. That’s a big deal though, to want that. It feels very significant, a Moment in our relationship, which is also scary. And exciting. And scary. And as we look forward to having our version of home together, there are still the whispers of the home we can never go back to.

It’s hard when home moves away, even as a part of you is glad to see it go.





Thursday, November 27, 2014

Happy Gaysgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving lovelies!!

As my thanksgiving gift to you all, here is Episode 8 of New Lesbian: The Podcast for your listening pleasure as you try to avoid your family today!

Enjoy, I'm grateful for all of you!



It’s Thanksgaying at the New Lesbian podcast and Elle is a little drunk! In this episode we talk about how we handled yet another family gathering in the pseudo-south, the continued annoyance of having to endlessly come out, and how much of our hiding our relationship might be coming from…ourselves? Then it’s Props and Peeves, where we rant a little too much about Amtrak trains. We recorded this episode late at night, so bear with us, lovelies! Happy Thanksgiving!

Show Links:
Lesbian couple denied hotel room in Hawaii
New Lesbian blog post: Coming Out… Again
Daddy’s Out –www.daddysout.com  Twitter: @daddysout

Forever Links:
Send us your thoughts and questions on ask.fm!
Stitcher Radio app
New Lesbian blog
Advertise with us! Ediewyatt@gmail.com
DONATE: Help us buy a microphone!

Social Medias:
Twitter:  @edie_wyatt  |  @new_elle
New Lesbian on Facebook
Follow New Lesbian on Tumblr
Edie on Instagram




Friday, October 10, 2014

"Momma Says" by guest blogger Hunter Nhlapo

Lovelies!! Finally it's here, the first guest writer on New Lesbian!

This powerful and thoughtful piece is by Hunter Nhlapo, who writes at deathbyhoney.wordpress.com and is on Twitter at @h_nhlapo. Read more about  her in her bio at the end of this post. 

—————————————————

MOMMA SAYS...

 

My mom said something to me yesterday. This was in light of a topic that had suddenly illuminated my twitter timeline and initially broken my heart. You see unawares to myself, another black lesbian had been murdered in South Africa and I knew nothing about it. I, who had made it a habit to keep abreast of all things lesbian, light or heavy, celebratory or painful that occurred in this country in the small hope that my immersion into the culture would somehow help me in my transition. I was never ready for the embarrassment I felt from my lack of knowledge that yet another Lioness had fallen. Too caught up in my life of heavy rain and small fires . I'm ashamed that it took a trending topic to lure me back into my world and give me a wet slap of a wake up call. I'm ashamed still that I haven't gone to my usual sources to find out what actually occurred to snuff out the life of a woman who chose to live real and unfortunately died young. I am ashamed but thankful that the #homophobia hashtag started by Sly found me.

My mom has only experienced me as a lesbian for 4 months. Yes, prior to that my girlfriend and I had been visiting her monthly over weekends and even then, I suspect that for her it was merely a my-daughter-has-a-friend-over situation. I'm not saying that I hadn't come out to my mother, no. She knew that I had fallen in love and subsequently moved in with a woman almost two years ago. My visits to her with my girlfriend were not under false pretence. It was important to me that I showed my mom that I loved my girlfriend and that we were in a normal relationship. It was important to me that we remained authentic in relation to each other because if my mom was going to acclimatise herself to something, it would need to be the purest truth. But she still didn't see it that way, until I moved back home and was gay. The devil is in the detail I often hear and boy did satan make his rounds. A necessary evil that I am grateful for though because today my mother can say that she loves and accepts me for who I am, as is.

What she is struggling with is the having to deal with having a lesbian daughter on HER level. She says "I go to church to heal. Church makes me happy. Just the other day I asked the congregation to pray for me, and they did, although I did not tell them why". Apparently, although she has reached the point of being able to accept my being gay on my level, she has feelings of resentment and sadness with having to deal with it on her level. Her face is that of a woman who deeply loves but is strongly resentful when she tells me of being an outcast in groups that she so seamlessly fit into before. Her friends, family and peers have begun to show signs of change in their treatment of her whether it be subtle or outlandish. Her exhaustion she says comes from guarding her back and being defensive. "I am always thinking of comebacks, readying myself emotionally and mentally for hurled words. This is no way to live. Why is your lesbianism my problem? How do I feature into it?"

I've stopped myself from trying to  advise her on how to deal with it. I've wanted so many times to tell her that her peers will largely learn from her how to treat her with regards to this. Empty words really because I'm still having issues with walking hand in hand with my girlfriend at a mall without soft utterances or blatant stares. And me throwing mini tantrums over it. Sandton...Vaal Mall, anywhere. I guess it becomes better when I start not to care. I'm hoping the same lesson is revealing itself to my mom.

In the meantime, I'm grateful that my mother does not judge me for being who I am, even though it makes her life difficult.

 

Being a mom is tough.

-----------------------------------------------

Hi! I’m Hunter Nhlapo. I’m a singing entrepreneur from Johannesburg, South Africa.  I am also writing my first novel. I like to blog about my life experiences in first person and other people’s experiences from my own point of view.  My readers like to read about my encounters as a new lesbian, my struggles as a 30 year old starting over and articles from blogs I visit that Ifind interesting. I generally have a lot to say about everything. I think, I write.


Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Call for guest bloggers!

Hello lovelies!

I have some grand plans to actually finish my book this year, and while I do that (I'm really gonna) I would love to have some guest bloggers here on New Lesbian to keep things moving!

Do you have something to say about sexuality, being gay/queer, your experience of realizing that you were gay/queer, the coming out process, a dating tale, or any other experience you've had that you think it would be helpful for others to read about? Of course you do! 

Send me either your full piece or the first few paragraphs so I can get a feel for your writing, to ediewyatt@gmail.com with "Guest Blogger" and your topic in the subject line. If your piece seems like a good fit for New Lesbian, I'll be in touch! 

Fyi, any guest bloggers will obviously get promo for their own blogs/projects in their post, and some tweets too!

Can't wait to read and share your stories.

xx

Monday, September 1, 2014

Lesbian Hodgepodge (Episode 6 of the podcast!)

Hello lovelies! Episode 6 of the New Lesbian Podcast is here!

In this episode, Elle and I discuss some femme lesbian couples we are LOVING right now (specifically, Samira Wiley and Lauren Morelli from OITNB), and how seeing femme lesbians in the media matters. We answer some listener questions sent in from ask.fm, including how to prepare for moving in with your girlfriend, then it's a new segment, Peeves and Props, and everyone’s favorite, Who Would You Do: Grey’s Anatomy edition! newlesbianpodcast.wordpress.com




Episode Links:
Samira Wiley on Instagram
Lauren Morelli on Instagram
Samira and Lauren at the Emmys
Lauren Morelli’s open letter
Angel Haze Article
Props of the Week: Blue Stockings Boutique | @BlueStockingsBo
Peeve of the Week: “Faux Lesbian” Weddings? What do you think?
Who Would You Do suggestions? Put ‘em in the comments!

Forever Links:
Send us your thoughts and questions on ask.fm!
Stitcher Radio app
New Lesbian blog
Advertise with us! (ediewyatt@gmail.com)

Social Medias:
Twitter:  @edie_wyatt  |  @new_elle
New Lesbian on Facebook
Follow New Lesbian on Tumblr
Edie on Instagram

Help us buy a real microphone!








Saturday, August 23, 2014

On Queerness (Podcast Episode 5)

Hi lovelies!

I wanted to share the most recent episode of the New Lesbian Podcast with you, called "Can I Be Queer Here." I'm really proud of it.  Elle and I talk about what being "queer" actually means.  There's a lot of misinformation that gets spread far and wide about what it means if someone identifies as queer, and we were inspired to do this episode after seeing up close and personal some of that misinformation being spread to thousands of people on twitter, and then being defended as truth.  It was really upsetting and disappointing to see, so we thought we would try to do something about it.

Please share this episode on your twitter and facebook--we all have to help educate people. Ignorance is the basis for so much of the discrimination in the world--fight back! (And now I'll get off my soap box.)

So, here is Episode 5 of the New Lesbian podcast. You can also listen on iTunes, SoundCloud, or any other podcast app!

xx



Links:
Edie’s Facebook friend: MJGardner.com
Derek Jarman (British Gay Rights Activist)
The Mighty Ducks Movie
Aaron Schwartz grew up nice
Emilio Estevez looked great in 1985
Send us your questions and tell us what you think on ask.fm!
Stitcher Radio app (please rate us if you like the show!)

Social Medias:
Twitter:  @edie_wyatt  |  @new_elle
New Lesbian on Facebook
Follow New Lesbian on Tumblr
Edie on Instagram



Friday, August 15, 2014

New Lesbian: The Podcast Episode 4!

Hello lovelies!
New Lesbian: The Podcast Episode 4 is here! (It's actually been here for awhile, but I never got a chance to do a post about it, oops). Listen in the player below, or on iTunes, Stitcher, Soundcloud, or whatever podcast app thingy you like! Show notes are below--this was a good one!

xx




In this episode we talk about Elle meeting ALL of Edie’s family on a visit to the South, during which Edie dissociated slightly, and why you shouldn’t start a detox when you’re introducing your girlfriend to your family. We also answer a listener question about what to do when you’re feeling scared about dating. Then it’s Who Would You Do: Orphan Black edition! (Watch that show, guys, it’s excellent.) newlesbianpodcast.wordpress.com

Links:
New Lesbian Blog post about Edie’s experiences at her parents’ house

Zaxby’s

Orphan Black (You can watch all of Season 1 free with Amazon Prime if you have it!)

Edie’s XOJane.com piece on bankruptcy

Send us your questions on ask.fm!

Social Medias:

Twitter:
@edie_wyatt     @new_elle

New Lesbian on Facebook

Follow New Lesbian on Tumblr

Edie on Instagram


Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Bankrupt

Hi lovelies,

As some of you who follow me on twitter might already know, I had a piece published on xoJane.com last week, which revealed that I filed for bankruptcy last year, and continue to have a hard time making ends meet financially. I've been trying to write that piece for a long time, almost a year, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it, to admit that things were really that bad. But they were.

The xoJane article
In some ways, they still are. 

I'll be digging myself out of the hole I ended up in for many more years, and things will continue to be very tight for me for a long time.

That part of my story isn't unique, of course. So many of us are struggling every single day to make ends meet. The point I was really trying to make with the xoJane piece (which I think got lost in translation for some people, if the comments section is any indication) is that I couldn't reconcile the fact that I had just graduated with a doctoral degree, and had (by then) a decent job, but also couldn't afford to eat because of all the debt I had wracked up in the 2 years after my divorce, when I was living for a time on part-time work, and still in school.

It didn't add up, didn't seem right, and it was really hard for me to take a long hard look at how that had happened.  It was (and still is) almost impossible for me to tolerate telling my peers and friends the truth about my situation. It remains extremely embarrassing and shameful for me, but I also wanted to start telling more of the truth about my life, as I promised a few posts ago.

The point of the xoJane piece was really intended to be more about that part, that I feel ashamed and hide a lot of my current life from my friends because money and money problems aren't talked about, and how I feel that I especially can't talk about that because on paper my life should be pretty sweet. That's what the piece was supposed to be about.

But there a lot of things I left out of the xoJane piece, in terms of the things I wish I had done differently:

  • I wish I had not listened to my husband when he said that I should stop working while in school. This was his idea, when we moved in together, before we were even engaged. I should not have stopped working.  It was just a retail job, and I hated it, but I should have kept it.
  • I wish that I had started saving from that time as well.  I should have kept working and been saving, always. As I wrote in the piece, I think I felt that if I had kept a separate savings account while I was with my husband I would have been expecting the worst, expecting the end, saving to protect myself "in case my man left me." I see now (and as many commented on the piece) that I should have been saving in case of ANY unforeseen situation, like, for example, me realizing my husband was an asshole and, oh, also that I am gay.
  • Once I finally had a decent, paying job, I should have stopped using the credit cards. Had I done that, so much stress would have been avoided. To stop using them, of course, would have meant living more meagerly, and that's what I should have done. But I was foolish, and not thinking ahead, and was consumed with keeping up with the Joneses, and had been privileged enough my whole life to not really understand how much I could live without. I only really started to figure that out in the past year, what I really need and what I don't. It's been quite a wake up call.
  • I should have remembered that my student loan payments WOULD START. I was in denial about the reality of that inevitable burden.  I was in school for so long that it just kept seeming like something that I wouldn't have to deal with until "later." When later actually came, I was totally, utterly screwed. The little bit of planning I had been doing, the budget I was living by, did not include paying back 125K in student loans. Whoops.
  • I should have sought out financial planning help, since none was ever provided in all of my 30 years. Some people in the comments of the xoJane article said that at 30 I just "should have known" how to deal with my money. I agree with that, in part. Some things are common sense, aren't they? But part of my issue, privileged as it is, is that I had never been on my own before. I went from my parents' house, to college, to living with my boyfriend. When I think about that now I can't help but shake my head. What a child I was, you know? I didn't realize it at the time, but I had not ever been truly independent until I was 29 years old. I didn't know how to do it, clearly, and so I made a mess of things. So I stand by saying that I wish someone had told me how to plan and save my money. I don't think that most of us get those lessons from anywhere, particularly if you're in the academic world.  Money is JUST NOT TALKED ABOUT. I can't emphasize that enough. Add to that the fact that I was sold the fantasy that my expensive degree would guarantee me easy access to a great, high-paying job and I was sunk before I even began.
I'm curious what you think about all of this. I know what the xoJane crowd thinks, but what of you lovelies? Be honest, I promise I can take it!

xx




Friday, July 25, 2014

Moving in

Elle and I are moving in together in two months.

This is a HUGE step, both for me, and for our relationship.  When I left my marriage, my life before, one of the things that was most important to me, as clichéd as it may sound, was finally having a room of my own. I craved, NEEDED, a space that was just mine, where I didn't have to answer to anyone, could be who I wanted, do what I wanted, without feeling the ever-present, strong pull I've felt my whole life to govern my actions based on the needs and opinions and expectations of everyone around me.

I needed to be alone.

And that "alone" time, these past few years, has changed me. For the better. I've started to be much more honest with myself about what I like and don't like, how I want to live and how I don't, what's okay in my daily life and what's not.  I don't think I would have been able to really figure any of that out if I hadn't, finally, had my own space.  I know what I like to do on a weekend night, I know how many dishes I can stand to pile up in the sink before I lose it (which is every dish I own, if you’re curious), I know that I can't STAND paper everywhere, but am also at a loss for what to do with it and can't really throw any of it away.  I know that I like binge watching ABC Family sitcoms by myself. I know that I don't like too much noise after 10 pm, and that I like quiet mornings with the occasional morning radio show thrown in.  I know that I can keep a fairly tidy house even if I'm the only one who'll see it. I know that I don't really like having people in my space, that my home feels like my refuge from the noisy, loud, demanding world. I know that dog hair drives me crazy, and that I hate vacuuming with a fiery passion. I now know that I need quiet hours to think about the future, and plan, and write things out. I know that I actually really enjoy spending time alone, with my thoughts, and that that's okay.

Elle and I have been together for more than 2 years.  She began talking about living together at least a year ago, maybe earlier, and I just--I couldn't do it. I knew I wasn't ready, and it really had very little to do with her. Some of it did have to do with her, sure--we have very different thresholds for what kinds of messes we can tolerate, and the ways that she's messy irritate me and the ways that she's neat I don't even care about, and vice versa. So there were (are) concerns there, of course. But the real issue was that I wasn't ready to share my space again yet. I felt that I still didn't know myself enough yet, wasn't fortified enough yet to know who I am enough to be able to stay that person in the face of another's energy and constant influence, to stay that person in the face of my own extremely powerful urge to placate others and repress my own needs (thanks, childhood!).  I needed to make sure I could stay me once I lived with her.

I was scared I would lose myself again.  This fear has almost nothing to do with Elle.  It is my fear, the result of my past, my trauma, my marriage.

One of the main reasons I left my relationship with my ex-husband was because I had lost myself.  The person that I am had shriveled up and gone hiding deep inside.  It had felt like my only means of survival. 

Over the course of 10 years, my husband broke me down. The invalidation, the lack of friendship, the lack of respect, the raging narcissism-they all resulted in me giving up the fight. It was easier to just retreat.  After so much work, so much energy, so much crying and begging and trying to be seen and heard, I just stopped. I was gone.  And that is really why I left him. Sure, I wanted to sleep with women, too, but I had to leave regardless. He was breaking me and didn't even realize it, though I had tried so hard to tell him. He was breaking me, and claiming he loved me, but clearly not enough to try to see how he was closing me down and causing me pain.

And that was my last experience of living with someone. In my mind the sharing of space opens the door to being obliterated. Living together opens you up to the vulnerability of letting someone in enough that they can destroy you without you, or them, even realizing it's happening until it's too late.

It terrifies me.

And so I've lived alone for three years. I've built myself back up. I know who I am again.  I know how I deserve to be treated, and how I will never tolerate being treated again. And about 6 months ago I started to really feel, for the first time in so long, safe enough to be in that vulnerable place of sharing my home. I felt ready. I'm back.

And scared. But excited, too. I love Elle. I know that she is not my ex-husband, and I am not the person I was back then.  We have a solid, honest, loving, fun, good relationship and I believe that I can trust her to at least try to treat me gently.  That's all I can ask for. And this time I know that I will ask, and won't forget that that's what I deserve. 






Thursday, July 17, 2014

Very feelings.

Hi lovelies,

It's been awhile, I know. Sorry to be AWOL-ish. A lot's been going on in the past month or so, some of which I want to write about here, and some of which I'm not ready to write about yet. Things I'm ready to write about, and am working on posts for, include:
  • Elle and my trip down south, during which we stayed at my parents' house (in the same room! très scandaleux), and met an extremely large swath of my family, many of whom DID NOT EVEN KNOW I WAS DIVORCED, as it turns out. I'm trying to figure out the words to write about the experience. But I will. So stay tuned.
  • The fact that Elle and I will be moving in together in about two months! This is a big announcement that probably shouldn't be reduced to a bullet point, but there will also be a nice long post about this MAJOR development. So much to say about that one.


Some things I'm not quite ready to write about/am not sure I SHOULD even write about in this space include:
  • some health stuff I've got going on
  • my disillusionment with New York
  • my endless money woes
  • how I've realized that my trust issues weave in and out of every aspect of my life more than I'd like to admit.

I mean, does one write about such things on a blog called New Lesbian? Shouldn't I be able to just decide that myself since it's my blog? One would think. But I find myself feeling...stuck and a bit confused and like this blog has gotten away from being what it used to be for me, and what it used to do, emotionally, for me.  That's no one's fault but my own, of course.

I think maybe I started to limit the scope of what I wrote about here as a defense against all the stuff that I really SHOULD be writing about.  And at this point in my life, a lot of that stuff doesn't have much to do with my gayness. I'm here, I'm queer, I'm used to it, and now I need to write about ALL THE OTHER SHIT. 

Can I do that here?  I think I feel like maybe that's not okay, or won't be okay, with you, the nameless, faceless, lovely person reading this.

Maybe I need to get over it. Maybe I'm underestimating all of you.

I'm gonna work on that. It's time to really open up again.

My soul needs it.

Stay tuned.




Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Pride Recap (and Episode 3)

Hi lovelies,
Well, pride has come and gone.  Elle and I had a very long, VERY hot, but ultimately great day at NYC Pride on Sunday, and I'm glad that I dragged myself out and celebrated. We of course missed seeing the OITNB float (endlessly crying over that) but we had a great brunch (so important), walked about 1000 miles trying to get around the parade (which I dubbed "the monster"), were delighted at the diversity and joy of the day, met up with some old friends and made some new ones, so all in all, a great, gay success.

We also recorded the next episode of the podcast over Pride weekend, and you can listen to that below if you're so inclined (show notes are below the player!). The episode is called "Clem"--10 'cool nerd' points to anyone who gets the reference before they listen! Put your guesses in the comments, I know I have some nerdy queer ladies lurking who know what's up :)

xx


In this episode of the New Lesbian podcast, we discuss our pride plans, our endless love for Tegan and Sara, and talk about some new-to-you reader/listener questions. Edie shares her experience with dental dams, and then it’s Who Would You Do: Buffy the Vampire Slayer Edition! Share your thoughts with us at newlesbianpodcast.wordpress.com

Links:
Social Medias:
Follow Elle @new_elle



Thursday, June 26, 2014

HAPPY PRIDE!

Happy Pride lovelies!!



It's June, that time of year when all the gays frolic in the streets of their respective cities being loud and rainbow colored and proud of who they are. A lovely time.

But...so far all I've done to "celebrate" this wonderful and important month is go see Tegan and Sara twice in 3 days. That counts, though, right?



I have to admit, I've been feeling pretty lazy lately and just haven't been able to get myself fully into the pride spirit this year. Maybe it's because I've haven't been feeling 100%, maybe it's because I'm just fucking old and don't want to do the whole party thing anymore. Parties always end up being a really expensive and exhausting let down. Why not just celebrate pride by...being proud, you know?

I think I'll probably do the Dyke March this year, which has become a bit of a tradition with my group of queers, and might actually watch the parade this year instead of just being drunk somewhere while it marches past LOL. And maybe brunch?

Wow. Can't you just feel the enthusiasm??!!??

Anyway, what are you loves doing (or what HAVE you done?) to celebrate this month? Inspire me!

xx

(P.S. Elle and I will be recording another episode of the New Lesbian podcast this weekend, too! So keep your questions/comments/thoughts coming, and click here for a more podcast specific update.)




Sunday, June 15, 2014

Podcast Episode 2!




In this episode of the New Lesbian podcast we answer listener questions about having sex with a girl for the first time, and the best things about dating women.  We discuss realistic lesbian portrayals on screen, our favorite lesbian sex scenes, and how Orange is the New Black continues to DO IT RIGHT. Also, Scissoring? Yes? No? How?
We have some slightly harsh words for Jodie Foster, and our first installment of “New Lesbian Story Time”, where Elle talks about sleepaway camp, and those pesky “boy attraction feelings” she had for another girl camp-mate.
Finally, Who Would You Do-Saved by the Bell edition, plus some nostalgia about why the show was important to Edie as a young black girl who has always loved blondies.
Please rate and share our podcast, it helps alot! 
Links:
Follow us on twitter: @edie_wyatt @new_elle
Got something to say about anything we said? Share your opinions in the comments, we'll talk about them next week!
xx

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Podcast Episode 1 is here!

Hi lovelies!

The New Lesbian Podcast is finally here!



Listen to episodes right here, thanks to Stitcher Radio:


Check out the New Lesbian Podcast blog for show notes!

You can also listen on iTunes, Pocket Casts, or any other podcast app! (feed URL: http://feeds.feedburner.com/NewLesbianPodcastEpisodes)

(BIG NEWS: Elle finally has a twitter! She swears she will never actually tweet, but just in case, go find her at @new_elle!)

We'll be recording episode two soon, so keep your questions coming (ask.fm/ediewyatt) and thanks so much to those of you who've sent them in already!

xx



Saturday, May 24, 2014

Relationship advice

I got a really great question on my ask.fm page, and though I answered it over there, I'm going to post it here too.  I feel like this one's important. (By the way, thanks so much to all of you who've been sending in questions!  Keep 'em coming, they'll be talked about in the first episode of the podcast, which Elle and I will be recording this week!)


“You recently wrote that you and your gf went through a tough time. Are things better now and if they are how did you get through it. I’m going through a rough time right now in my relationship and could use some advice”-Anonymous

Things are better between Elle and I now, but it took time.  I think we had about a month to a month and a half that were really hard, and we’ve had hard times before.  A lot of our issues both this time, and in the past, are about our communication—or, actually, about our LACK of communication.  We weren’t talking about how we were really feeling about a lot of things, and weren’t telling each other what we needed (both from the other person, and in our lives in general), and that led to a lot of the problems we were having.

The solution was TALKING. A lot. And talking honestly, and about things that made us feel vulnerable.  I think that each of us heard, and said, things that we maybe would have rather been kept inside, but if we had, we would have continued down a bad road for our relationship, because we would have been pretending that things were okay when they weren’t.

I don’t know the specifics of what’s happening in your relationship, of course, but whatever it is, the most important thing you can do to try to work through it is to talk to each other. About all of it. About every feeling and fear you’re having.  But I think it’s really important to point out that Elle and I didn’t FIGHT to work through our issues. Yes we got loud sometimes, and there were many tears, but you have to talk it out remembering that you’re both on the same team. Try to not to get nasty, unless the intention is for the relationship to end. I know from experience that the nasty things said in tough times leave deep and lasting wounds.  If both of you still want to be together, if you want to get past this tough time and still be together, make sure to remember that and remind each other of that. You have to remember that the whole reason why everything is happening between the two of you is because you love each other, and are trying to make it work, but maybe don’t know how or are scared.  Be kind, even as you are sharing your hurt, or hearing things that hurt you to hear.

I hope this helps, anon. Keep me posted?

xx







Monday, May 19, 2014

Podcast? Podcast.

Hi lovelies!

A few updates! First, I've finally created a Facebook page. I know, welcome to 2003, right? Anyway, I figured it was about time to stop leaving non-twitter people out :)

Second, I've been getting back into podcasts recently (and am always looking for new ones to try, any favorites to share? Leave 'em in the comments!) and I've noticed a real lack of the kind of queer podcast I'd want to listen to, soooo I've convinced Elle to be my co-host, and we're going to start the New Lesbian podcast soon!

We're thinking it'll be a mix of answering your questions and talking about things that are happening in the queer world. I hope you'll give it a listen, but first I hope you'll send in your relationship questions/sex questions/dating questions/discussion topics/anything you'd like to hear us talk about! 

Use my ask.fm page or comment below to submit your questions, etc, and make sure to leave your name (real or twitter) if you want a shoutout! 

Looking forward to starting to "talk" with all of you :)

xx


Friday, May 16, 2014

Two


Hi lovelies.

Welllllllll I've been AWOL for a bit. There's been a lot going on.

As you might have guessed from my last post, I had a stretch there where I was feeling really down, kind of hopeless, just full of longing for "the rest of my life" to start, you know the feeling? Not fun. I've also got some (minor) health stuff going on that had knocked me off my feet for a while. Feeling better now, but it was an unpleasant few weeks.

Elle and I had also been having a hard time for a month or so. It's so hard for me to write about our relationship when things are really hard. Mostly out of respect for her, and us. I try to be very careful not to write something here about our relationship if she doesn't know it yet and I haven't said it, out loud, to her. She knows about this blog, she can read it if she wants to, and in some ways that makes it hard to write about her, but it also forces me to communicate wholly in my relationship, which is something I need. I used to hide on this blog--instead of talking to whomever about what was going wrong, I would write about it here, and stew and simmer and not be brave and TALK IT OUT.  I can't do that now, and I love that. It pushes me to be the kind of partner I know I should be, and the partner that Elle, and anyone, deserves. I can't ask her to be open and honest with me if I don't have to be. So in a way, this blog makes me have to be.

So. That's cool.

We celebrated our two year anniversary last weekend. I'm not surprised at all that we have been together for two years. It felt like an inevitability in the best way.  When we started dating, we talked alot about how the scariest thing for each of us was that we KNEW that this was going to be big. We knew it would be real and long-lasting, which is why it felt so momentous and scary to take the leap. And we've been right about that.

I see myself with Elle for a long time. I want to be with her for a long time. And that means a lot of things. It means opening myself up to the vulnerability of giving someone my heart, for them to do with it what they will. It means letting someone love me in a way that I still wonder if I entirely deserve (though of course, we all do, even me).  It means being honest and authentic and truly myself in a way that I have never, ever done before. It means allowing someone else to impact my life in deep and long-lasting ways. It means giving up the reins. It means letting go.

So here we go.




Monday, May 5, 2014

Heavy

Do you ever feel burdened by the steady, solid weight of your wanting?

So heavy, all this yearning.


Friday, April 4, 2014

coming out...again.

This weekend Elle and I are heading to my alma mater for a reunion weekend.  This will be the first time that I see a lot of these people in over 10 years (ugh. I'm old.) and the first time many of them will find out that I'm....gay now.  

It gets so tiring having to keep coming out, you know? It never ends.

I've been trying to figure out how I feel about this.  I mean, the good thing about this weekend is that it's a mix of a bunch of different graduating classes coming together, which means that many of these people barely even know who I am, so it'll obviously be no big (or shouldn't be, at least) for any of them when I roll up with my girlfriend.

For those that I did know oh-so-long ago, will I have to give the whole "yep! I'm divorced and a lesbian now! Crazy, huh!?" speech for the hundredth time? I'm kind of over that, to be honest. Like, does this need to be a thing??

The hard thing is that I just don't know what to prepare for, and I like to be prepared.  It might be a non-issue, as it should be. But it also might be a "oh wow...wow, really!" thing, too. The harder thing is that Elle is a bit nervous about being introduced to my old college friends/acquaintances and I can't even tell her what to expect, to help her feel better. All I can say is "Who the fuck cares what anyone thinks, let's go and have a good time and enjoy being there together!"  It should be fun? I think? Probably?

But I can't anticipate how it will be. How will I feel, stepping back on the campus of my undergrad years, where I met my ex-husband, holding my girlfriend's hand?

I think that part, at least, will feel pretty awesome.

xx




Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Read this...and this...

Hi lovelies!
I wanted to give you all an update on some things I'm working on, so this is a bit of a housekeeping post.

First, I want to send you over to Medium.com, specifically to "The Lesbian Experience".  Medium is a site (I think it's kind of new) that lets you easily share your writing, in a space that's all about reading good shit. I dig it. The site is based around "Collections" which you can follow to more easily find writing that interests you, about topics that you care about.

As I've been clicking around over there (looking for the gay stuff, of course) I saw that there's a bit of a lack of collections focusing on the lesbian experience (whatever that means), so...I started one, to hopefully provide a central hub for that writing. I KNOW that some of you who lurk around here have amazing, impactful things to say and stories to tell, so I hope that you might consider writing something (about any aspect of your story) and submitting it to "The Lesbian Experience" collection so that others (and I!) can read your stories and learn from and support teach other! I'm pretty excited about this because I think it's a great way for those of you who don't want to bother with starting a blog to still be able to share your experiences, and have them be seen.  The single most helpful thing for me has been knowing that I'm not alone in whatever shit I'm dealing with, so I hope "The Lesbian Experience" collection can be a way to remind us all of that. We're not alone!

The second thing I want to clue you guys in on is that I've created a "Read This!" page where I'll be putting links to all the books I've talked about here (and some I haven't yet) that were meaningful for me that I think you should read, too. It's a work in progress, so check back there once in awhile for new recommendations.

Finally, I started in Instagram, also @edie_wyatt (like my twitter), so go follow me if you're on that and I'll follow you too! Obviously since Edie's my pseudonym there won't be any selfies (womp womp) but I really joined more to be able to see all the great gay stuff that's on instagram, and to have another way to connect with you lovelies. So, I'll see you on there <3

Finally finally I've been neglecting my tumblr (so. much. social. media. gaaaahhh), but am planning to get back on there now too, so...stay tuned!
xx