Gut (aka INFJ woes)

I haven't written about this here before, but I have a confession.

I believe very strongly in the Myers-Briggs personality types, and...

My name is Edie, and I'm an INFJ. This means a lot of things. But what it means most of all is that my "gut" stays telling me things I don't want to hear.

It's always right, too. It annoys the fuck out of me.

Often, what it's telling me is "This is not good for you. You need to step back. You need to step away. This is not what you need or want. You don't have to keep doing this. You don't like this. It's not right."

Then, like clockwork, my brain: "But, how do I know? Are you sure? Am I sure? I think I'm being too particular, too picky. This should be good for me! This should be what I want! Why isn't it what I want? It used to be what I want. It used to be what I want? Why doesn't it feel good? I don't want to hurt them. They are so good and nice and love me. I love them. This is good. This is fine. Right?"

I really shouldn't be asking that question so much, I don't think. 

"This is fine, right?"

All the time. On repeat. Never sure.

And I can never, really, say yes. I can't ever, really, relax into something being fine. Safe. Good. Right.**

Not for long anyway.

I have felt it before, for brief, beautiful moments--that feeling of safety, right-ness, clicking.

Then it goes.

Something happens. Maybe big, maybe not. Maybe a hundred little things. Little moments, little pin pricks. Little things that smart, that really shouldn't matter much, but they all really do. They all sting and they keep stinging.

There's this INFJ thing, where it feels like we can predict the future, can see how things are going to play out, especially in interpersonal interactions, based on hundreds of little clues that we process faster than we're aware, that manifest as an instinctual Knowing of something that we can't really know. But we do know. To our core, in our bones. We know how this person will react to that person, we know that so-and-so is feeling hurt right now about something no one else even noticed, we know that this other person feels left out, we know with this person, or that person, or you, or them, whether or not we'll be seen, if we'll feel safe, or if we won't. If it is right, or if it's not.

I hate it.

I can't ignore it.

It's happened again.

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**An article on Personalityhacker.com describes this experience perfectly:

"INFJs are far less interested in validation and are more interested in protection. They don’t need you to agree with them, they need to know you’re not going to hurt them, even if the fear of hurt is deeply unconscious.

There are some INFPs that have experienced trauma in the past and fear being hurt by others, but that’s more a product of wounding than anything intrinsic. The most protected, well-treated INFJ on the planet is still going to have something inside them scanning for people who would be deliberately hurtful."

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Lesbian Hodgepodge (Episode 6 of the podcast!)

Hello lovelies! Episode 6 of the New Lesbian Podcast is here!

In this episode, Elle and I discuss some femme lesbian couples we are LOVING right now (specifically, Samira Wiley and Lauren Morelli from OITNB), and how seeing femme lesbians in the media matters. We answer some listener questions sent in from ask.fm, including how to prepare for moving in with your girlfriend, then it's a new segment, Peeves and Props, and everyone’s favorite, Who Would You Do: Grey’s Anatomy edition! newlesbianpodcast.wordpress.com




Episode Links:
Samira Wiley on Instagram
Lauren Morelli on Instagram
Samira and Lauren at the Emmys
Lauren Morelli’s open letter
Angel Haze Article
Props of the Week: Blue Stockings Boutique | @BlueStockingsBo
Peeve of the Week: “Faux Lesbian” Weddings? What do you think?
Who Would You Do suggestions? Put ‘em in the comments!

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Forever Links:
Send us your thoughts and questions on ask.fm!
Stitcher Radio app
New Lesbian blog
Advertise with us! (ediewyatt@gmail.com)

Social Medias:
Twitter:  @edie_wyatt  |  @new_elle
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Edie on Instagram

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Relationship advice

I got a really great question on my ask.fm page, and though I answered it over there, I'm going to post it here too.  I feel like this one's important. (By the way, thanks so much to all of you who've been sending in questions!  Keep 'em coming, they'll be talked about in the first episode of the podcast, which Elle and I will be recording this week!)

“You recently wrote that you and your gf went through a tough time. Are things better now and if they are how did you get through it. I’m going through a rough time right now in my relationship and could use some advice”-Anonymous

Things are better between Elle and I now, but it took time.  I think we had about a month to a month and a half that were really hard, and we’ve had hard times before.  A lot of our issues both this time, and in the past, are about our communication—or, actually, about our LACK of communication.  We weren’t talking about how we were really feeling about a lot of things, and weren’t telling each other what we needed (both from the other person, and in our lives in general), and that led to a lot of the problems we were having.

The solution was TALKING. A lot. And talking honestly, and about things that made us feel vulnerable.  I think that each of us heard, and said, things that we maybe would have rather been kept inside, but if we had, we would have continued down a bad road for our relationship, because we would have been pretending that things were okay when they weren’t.

I don’t know the specifics of what’s happening in your relationship, of course, but whatever it is, the most important thing you can do to try to work through it is to talk to each other. About all of it. About every feeling and fear you’re having.  But I think it’s really important to point out that Elle and I didn’t FIGHT to work through our issues. Yes we got loud sometimes, and there were many tears, but you have to talk it out remembering that you’re both on the same team. Try to not to get nasty, unless the intention is for the relationship to end. I know from experience that the nasty things said in tough times leave deep and lasting wounds.  If both of you still want to be together, if you want to get past this tough time and still be together, make sure to remember that and remind each other of that. You have to remember that the whole reason why everything is happening between the two of you is because you love each other, and are trying to make it work, but maybe don’t know how or are scared.  Be kind, even as you are sharing your hurt, or hearing things that hurt you to hear.

I hope this helps, anon. Keep me posted?

xx

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How does your garden grow?

Lately, Elle and I have been in a bit of a battle about vagina hair.



Yep. You read that right.

I prefer to keep myself completely clean shaven. This is a post-becoming-a-lesbian thing. In my life before, I was a bit… hairier, as if I wasn’t so concerned about how the dining was for my male paramours, and I guess I wasn't? I mean, I wasn’t unkempt but…what I’m trying to say is that there was quite a bit of (neatly groomed) hair down there and I never really thought much about it.

I realize now that a big reason for that is that the men I was with were never particularly interested in going down on me and I wasn’t sexually experienced enough to know that they should be, or sexually empowered enough to know that I wanted them to be, yes please very much thank you.

So, there really wasn’t all that much thought going into the…place setting, if you will.

But then. Then I started going down on women and, well, I started paying a lot more attention to the set dressing.  I experienced some variety in my early exploits, ranging from nothing at all to “bust out the weed whacker.” I also became very aware that someone else’s face was going to be all up in my business (if all went according to plan), and you know how there’s that saying that women (regardless of sexuality, in my opinion) dress for other women? Well, I definitely dress my vagina for other women. When men were involved, I barely thought about it, but once a lady was going to be seeing my sacred garden? I cared.

And so I started grooming more, but was a bit scared at first to actually shave everything off. That just seemed…risky. I mean, one false move and—yikes, you know?  And I was not about to go get waxed. Mainly because I was broke, but also mainly because I am just not that much of a masochist.  But then, one of my hairless lady friends, who I assumed waxed, informed me that she just shaved all the hair away, and that it really wasn’t so hard to do! Realllyyyyyyyy????? I said.

And the heavens opened.

From that point on, I’ve kept things pretty clean down below, and I love it. I think everything feels better when there’s nothing in the way of all of that delicious friction, and I also just like that my girlfriend won’t have my pubes in her mouth. So, there’s that.

But here’s the thing? Elle likes me to leave a bit of a landing strip, at minimum. *EPIC SIGH* So a few months ago, I grew things out quite a bit for her, much to my chagrin. I was not having it, y'all. She loved it, of course.  And then I found a gray hair down there and that was the end of that. LOL SOB NEVER AGAIN.  Now, though I would much rather be completely hairless, I do still leave a landing strip, because that’s what she likes and I aim to please.

So then, of course, there’s the question of what I prefer on her? And this might sound lame, but it’s really true: I do not give a shit, as long as I can get my face down there.

Well, I guess that’s not entirely true, I’m not into the entirely untamed look (or feel), but literally anything short of bushwhacker territory is A-OK in my book.

So what about you, lovelies? How do you prefer to dine? What do you prefer for yourself?  Comment away, let’s talk about vagina hair!

xx

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Rude.

Over a year has gone by since I've written about Swiss Miss. Remember her? Yeah...the first girl I dated, and an all around annoying and confusing presence in my life (see: Exhibit Z), back when she was a presence in my life.

The last I wrote about her, we were starting to drift apart again, and I, of course, was in the process of falling in love with Elle, but I was kind of trying to pretend that wasn't happening because I am dumb, so...yeah, SM was still around. But then, I started dating Elle, and SM proceeded to pull ALL KINDS OF SHIT, the most recent of which happened about 2 weeks ago. But I'll get to that.

Okay, so I only remember some of the bullshit that she pulled, but here's what I remember:

• In June last year, SM texted me wanting to coordinate plans and somehow hang out during Pride. She asked me, and I quote, if "I was still dating that girl" (this was a month after Elle and I started dating) because she "wasn't sure she'd be able to handle seeing me with someone else". Um, OKAY THEN BYE. It should be a surprise to absolutely no one that I did NOT make plans to see her. So rude.
• Then I think there were some sporadic conversations on gchat about once a month, which were really just her trying to figure out if I was still with Elle. I think once I chatted her to congratulate her on finishing school, and then a few months later she wished me a happy birthday (after not talking for months). Random shit like that.
• At some point during this time, SHE LIKED AN OLD FACEBOOK PROFILE PICTURE OF ME IN A BIKINI ON A BEACH SOMEWHERE. Yup. Like, literally months after we no longer really speak, when she knows I have a girlfriend, she then is fb stalking me and LIKES A PICTURE. OF ME WITH MY TITS OUT (I mean, not really out, but you see what I'm saying). So brazen. So rude. (Are you sensing a theme here?) I think there was also some "liking" of Tegan and Sara related posts on my facebook, but at least those were RECENT and not as creepy. I mean GEEZ.
• Somewhere in here, we follow each other on Instagram. I am almost certain that she requested to follow me first, since I really don't give two shits about Instagram in the first place. But then of course I had to accept and follow her because nosiness. Around this time, I also started to notice the presence of a new girl in her facebook statuses, which are few and far between. But when there was one, there was this girl's name popping up. How nice, I thought, she's finally found someone willing to put up with her bullshit. Hooray. As of last month, I think, SM and this girl are still dating, because there are now pictures of them together, like, meeting her family and shit. So, yeah, an actual relationship, it seems to me. This is all well and good! Godspeed, new girlfriend! It also makes the most recent thing even more...I don't know, rude (I need a thesaurus).
• CUT TO A FEW WEEKS AGO. It's my birthday, Elle has put together a sweet and lovely dinner for us, and we post pictures on Instagram, a rare moment of me rubbing in everyone's faces how cute and adorable we are, and how extremely lucky I am. Literally 5 minutes after posting to Instagram, SM TEXTS ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. She literally INSERTED HERSELF INTO MY BIRTHDAY DINNER. I actually burst out laughing, and when I asked Elle to guess who'd texted me, she almost immediately guessed correctly, because of course it was SM. Of-fucking-course. SO FUCKING BRAZEN AMIRITE??? I think at this point I haven't had any interaction with this girl since January (re: Tegan and Sara) and she picks THAT MOMENT to text me? REALLY???

I did not text her back.

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To Straight Girls: Dating women isn't "easier" so stop saying dumb things.

My new twitter friend Effi Mai over at "F is Forr..." (follow her! Read her blog! Hilarity and smart things everywhere!) wrote a post a few days ago answering a reader's question about why so many straight women seem to think that being a lesbian would be "easier." Her response is totally on point, so I won't bother going into that part of it--just go read it--but one specific thing she said got me thinking.

She said: "Straight girls seem to think that being in a lesbian relationship would just be like dating their best friend."

Right. So let's dive in here, shall we? I have several things to say about this. 

1. Straight women saying that switching teams would be great because then they would be dating their best friend presupposes that dating your best friend is ALWAYS A GOOD THING.
2. I actually do think that it's really good for your partner to be your best friend. When I was married, I never really felt that he was my best friend. Ever. And I didn't like that and it felt like something I wanted to do differently if/when I had a serious relationship again.
3. When I met Elle, we definitely became best friends first.  But, I have to admit, on the regular I wonder if this was the ideal order of operations.

We got to know each other, and came to love each other, as people, as friends (and if i'm being honest, yes, as two women with undeniable sexual chemistry) over the course of about 5 months before we started dating.  During this time, we talked about pretty much everything, and I was the kind of friend to her that would say things like "um...what are you doing? Stop being weird about this, don't freak out, just DO it, it's gonna be fine." And I know that Elle appreciated that in me, me being a friend who kind of kicked her in to gear about a few things and helped her to be a bit braver. I feel good about that, and am glad I could be that for her.

But then...we started sleeping together. And, please comment/tweet me/whatever if you feel like you can still say the kinds of things you'd say to a friend, even a best friend, to your girlfriend. Or boyfriend.  I mean, COME ON NO YOU CANNOT. Not EVERYTHING, and certainly not ALL THE TIME. I just really, truly feel like it's different. At least for me, even though Elle is my best friend.  But--I also am her girlfriend, and she is mine, and an added layer of vulnerability comes along with that. Like, now, if I were to editorialize about something that--if I was her bff-- she might be a bit stung by, but ultimately glad she heard from me, I know that--as her girlfriend--there's a heavier significance if I say something blunt or harsh now, and I also know more how much she might be hurt by something I say. Because I know her so much more closely now and love her so much.  And I also don't want to hurt her, even if it's due to the kind of ribbing a friend would do.

And then there's the point I was making in my comment on "F is Forr...", specifically about the idea that dating women is EASIER. LOL. Here's what I said:

Regardless of whether you date men or women, you’re still dating ANOTHER PERSON, which is always hard as fuck. And I actually sometimes feel that dating a woman is harder, because when someone is your lover and your best friend, things can get a lot more complicated. Like, do you tell her that shirt looks bad, like a best friend would? But then, will she still want to have sex with you later? That is not a problem if you are dating a man. IMHO.

And so it's VERY DIFFERENT is what I'm saying. Best friend love is different than romantic love. There's a different vulnerability and a different level of...I don't know, holding. Or at least trying to hold that other person's heart more gently than you would if they weren't your lover in addition to your friend. And I think this is a great thing. An AMAZING thing. But it is NOT amazing because it is "dating your best friend." It's amazing the way any good, healthy relationship should be amazing. And your partner should be your best friend. How lucky are you if you have that. But they shouldn't be your only best friend. And straight girls who say that being gay would be like dating their best friend are saying a dumb thing.

Is what I'm saying.

That's what I think anyway. What do you think? I'm really curious what people's ideas are about this--I know you're out there, tell me what you're thinking, lovelies! <3

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