Friday, December 30, 2011

a question.

I'm breaking the flow of the blog back-log with something that I was specifically wondering about in August, but am really always wondering about....

A dating question: Is being the first one to make a move brave? Or really dumb?

I’ve done a lot of thinking about the above question, and I’m really curious what others think about this.

My thoughts:

In the land of lesbian dating, I’m finding that I am ALWAYS the one to initiate contact. Whether this is on OkCupid, at a bar, or on the dance floor, I always summon up my courage, and send the first message, ask the first flirty question, hold the first long gaze.  And it works sometimes. I met the first girl I seriously dated this way. I met the girl I dated after that this way. I met one of my really good friends this way.  I met and hooked up with one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever crossed paths with this way.

But. I also find myself CONSTANTLY asking, “Do I need to stop initiating contact now? Do I need to wait for her now? Who needs to take charge here?” And sometimes I wait, and sometimes I don’t, and I never know which way is up and don’t want to come on too strong but I don’t want to seem like I don’t care, and very, very often I end up feeling confused and rejected and like I have no idea how she (whoever she is) feels about me, because I’m the one who started the whole thing. AND. Several times now, I think I’ve either pushed too much and pushed them away, or I’ve stepped back and then things have fizzled….

But maybe if that's what's happens, then I just need to tell myself, "She's just not that into you," and get the fuck on with it.

I'm curious if anyone out there has any thoughts on this. I'd be glad to hear them. Comment on.

February 20, 2011--Birthday

Such a hard night.

I went to her birthday party. Alone. This was a mistake.

I got there at midnight. I only stayed 3 hours. I shouldn't have stayed that long.

Her friend J (different than "straight girl" j), who I know is powerful in her life, asked me point blank if I was gay. I answered honestly, or tried to. She cut me off, saying something like ' ok, ok, whatever' in response to me trying to explain that I was ' questioning.' In response to her apparent disinterest, fueled by my sense both last night and this that she DOES NOT LIKE ME, I said ' oh,ok you don't care.' She says ' no, i didn't say that.' And then there are a few awkward silent moments.

Later, i tell 10.0 that power friend j doesn't think i'm gay. her response, as far as I can tell (the club was very loud) is 'well...' And a shrug. And...begin my misery.

All night, i felt like an interloper. Though her roommate was nice enough to me, as were power friend's sister and straight male friend, i was still left behind on the dance floor and closed out of circles of talking and laughing. It was very clear, especially to someone cursed with sensitivity to this, that I was outside. I felt so foolish.

(and yet, i feel it's important to note that she was almost as aware of me every moment as I was of her..when I found her, and watched her, she very quickly looked my way, our eyes would lock, and I'd smile wistfully. She knew I was watching her. She knew. She also noticed immediately when my mood changed, after my exchange with power friend, and tried to get me to dance with her. Which I did, but was then quickly overshadowed by hired dancers and hotter, more decidedly gay women, whom 10.0 would quickly turn away from me in favor of. )

Add to this that I saw her with ss. She was there. Not the whole time..but long enough for it to hurt. To add insult to injury, when it was just 10.0 alone, there were a few times when we were dancing together, and she would not touch me. Everyone else, EVERYONE else, she's groping and grinding and touching. Not me. Not one bit. At one point, I asked her to come sit next to me so I could ask her about the night before, and we did the touching legs thing again. For awhile. During this, i asked her 'so, what if i'm just into one girl? What if that's the way i'm not straight?' She told me that was how it was for her too at first...i looked into her eyes, and I felt that she understood. Understands. That it's her.

Not much later, i think after one more exclusion by ' the group', I left. I hugged her (precious moment) and said happy birthday, and she looked straight into my eyes and thanked me for coming. I could feel an apology in the goodbye, and I also felt the end.

As I left and made my way slowly home, i could feel tears coming, and I angrily tried to hold them back. I actually said out loud, as I slowly, mournfully walked the windy quiet street, 'stop it!' It didn't work.

I wept. It feels over. I feel heartbroken.

February 19, 2011--Exuent.

Well, fuck.

I write from my new apartment, which I only arrived at at 7:30 am, after sleeping off my drunkenness from last night in my car from 4-7 am. I know... What the fuck. I'm a mess.

Last night, I ended up meeting up with 10 and her friends. She was beautiful, my boobs were out, I saw her looking, but she was a bit aloof with me. It turns out that this is because she’s in love with her straight friend J-e, who seems to be a bit in love with her too, from the looks of it, as she was draping herself all over 10 while her boyfriend looked on. All night. Huh.

So I basically observed 10.0 in the midst of the same horrible, heart-wrenching process that I am in with her. Cruel, cruel world.

At one very memorable moment in the night, the “straight” friend j was grinding on me face to face, with 10 grinding on her from behind, and j was very interested in learning all about me, possibly as a distraction from how much she was enjoying feeling 10 behind her. 10 and I made a lot of eye contact while this was going on…it was hot, but weird, since I still don’t know where I stand with her. What am I to her?? I really don’t know.
There was also a point where she dragged me up on the stage at the bar to dance, and that was nice, just to get to be so close to her.

At the end of the night, though, she said as she was putting me in a cab, “I might go to the upper west…” which is where ss lives. (oh, impt to note that earlier in the night 10 was again lamenting her relationship with ss, and how fucked up it is, how she doesn’t want to be in it but can’t leave her, etc.) I ask her why, why god why!? Her answer “b/c I want to have sex.” Yeah, don’t we all.

At some point I remember she also told me that she doesn’t want to have sex with straight girls. "With gay girls is better," she said.

Huh.

What if I’ve done all the reading??

February 17, 2011--Fucking sucks.

Gah. Such a confusing week it's been.

I put down the deposit on the apartment. 10.0 continues to be hot and cold. I feel really confused and hurt and rejected. I feel excited that I'm taking some of my freedom back. My therapist is ' worried' about me, saying I need to watch my boundaries with 10.0, and stop talking to my work friends about it. I'm trying to hold back with her, but also feel really conflicted as I do that. But I also feel her pushing me away, even as she invites me to her birthday weekend. I saw today that the elephant I gave her for good luck is now on a top shelf in her office, FACING THE WALL. This actually makes me want to cry. I texted her asking if she's working tomorrow night. She responds quickly. I text again, mentioning something she wrote on fb, and she hasn't responded. I am now convinced that my attentiveness is being seen by her as creepy stalker behavior, and now I feel really embarrassed for wanting to connect with her. I need to stop. I feel needy and stupid and lame and weird. Ugh, she probably thinks I'm such a weirdo.

What. The. Fuck. This SUCKS.

February 14, 2011--V-day

On my way home to couples therapy. The irony is not lost on me that on valentine's day I will tell my husband that I plan to rent a room 45 minutes away from him. I know. My timing has always been impeccable.

So I'm hoping to say something that explains that I need to have my own space, separate from him, that I don't necessarily think I would need to be in all the time, where I can breathe and figure out what I need to do. I want him to know that a big part of this is about having more freedom as far as my commute, which is restricting and awful and makes it hard for me to be able to feel free to do what I need to do, whatever that is, especially because if I have a late night now, he also has a late nite, and then feels that I owe him penance. No. not gonna work, nor is that fair to either of us. Nothing about our current situation is fair. I'm miserable, he's miserable, and continuing on the way we are is not making anyone less miserable. So let's try this.

In other news, she invited me to BOTH of her birthday parties this weekend. I am more excited and terrified about this than I can express.

February 13, 2011--Resolve

I really can't tell if I need my own space to escape him or to be able to be with him.

I put a deposit down on a room today. Not in brooklyn, but closer to work, and about 45 minutes from my house with him. It was the first place I bothered to look at, and I took it b/c it's insanely cheap and has laundry in the apartment. Sold. hubby doesn't know yet. We have couples therapy tomorrow night. I'll tell him then.

I really don't know what it means that I've done this. i think it makes me feel safer, like I'm not trapped. When he came home today,i felt kind toward him, kinder than I should, based on yesterday, and I think it's because I know that I will have some place to go.

I think that maybe that's messed up though. I mean, why am I so mistrusting of this relationship that I need to have my own back up room waiting for me so that I can flee? And why does just thinking about that make me feel more hopeful?? I think that's really sad. But I already knew I have major trust issues...but still, wow.

There's also my renewed resolve to stop putting all my eggs in 10.0's proverbial, unavailable basket. I need to stop reacting to her as if she is the only thing. She is not, and cannot be, the only thing. I need to remember that, and let a friendship grow, if it will, slowly and organically. I do not need to immediately tell her my news,i don't need to immediately go find out in the morning how her weekend was, especially since whatever she says will most likely make me sad. I do not need that.

Right? Right.

Ok. Deep breath...

February 12, 2011--bad bad bad

Note from the future: Oh, this one's sad...

i think that this marriage has been the worst experience of my life.

many things big and small have led to that being true, and it really feels too daunting to even spell out everything that's happened today. it's really hard to put into words the feelings of horrible sadness and badness that i feel in this relationship.

one thing that happened is that i told him that i need my car tomorrow. (i did not tell him that i need it because i'm hoping that i can go look at apartments tomorrow. i kind of wish i had told him that.) he's planning to go skiing tomorrow, and would of course have just taken my car, while his car remains blocked into the driveway by weeks worth of snow and ice. i asked him to help me dig his car out. he said i should have to do it by myself because he had shoveled my car out by himself several weeks ago. that's true, he did, but that's because i couldn't shovel because we'd gotten rear-ended the day before and i was in pain and on muscle relaxers. i told him that we both should have, by now, gone out and shovelled his car out together, and the fact that there was now rock hard ice surrounding his car was due to both of our negligence. he looked at me and said "i think you should have to do it." i looked at him and thought "strike 5,063".

so I go outside, start chipping away at the ice, and it's hard and hurting my back, and i'm barely making a dent in the ice, and i cry. eventually, i think i've evened the snow out enough that i can just drive the car over the ice and get it out of the driveway, so i try that, and it works. thank god.

i came back inside and have been sitting at my desk working. he comes in and says "thanks for getting my car out, that wasn't so hard was it?" i say "yes, it was hard." he says "you were only out there for like 10 minutes." i say, "it was hard for me." he says "for 10 minutes, it was hard? ok." (this is said with dripping sarcasm). i look up at him, feeling defeated, and say "ok, you win," and turn back to my work. he then gets flustered and annoyed and explains to me that when he was shoveling a few weeks ago, he was out there for 45 minutes, but me out there for 10 minutes was hard? he asks, "what exactly did you have to do?" i say "i'm not doing this with you. i don't need you to tell me if it was hard for me to dig your car out. if you need to think it wasn't hard for me, that's fine." he continues to sputter and spit and be annoyed that i will not allow him to tell me how i can and should quantify my experience. i doubt that he understands what was wrong with the way he was communicating with me. and i don't even really care at this point.

this is one of the many reasons why i do not want to be with him.

February 11, 2011--blergh

it's been such a weird week.

so i feel like it's inevitable that i'll need my own (physical) space from hubby at some point and will need (both kinds of) space to both have some lesbian sex and to figure out what i want my life to look like right now. do i want to be with hubby at all? do i want an open relationship that allows me to have some girl love on the side? do i even like girl love? is it okay if/do i want to be with a girl who's not 10.0? do i want an open relationship that allows me to sleep with other men on the side? do i want to be separated and completely cut ties with hubby for awhile? do i want to still be with him but also "have my own place" in brooklyn? (that last one is so weird. why would he ever go for that!? ugh.)

so, yeah. i'm still looking at sublet listings, but haven't actually reached out to any after the initial 2, which I never heard back from. i've also been so tired and beleaguered at work that i haven't got much energy for any of this "figure out my life" shit this week. i have not, however, been beleaguered enough not to miss 10.0 like crazy. i mean, i've seen her, we're both at work every day, after all, but we haven't really interacted much because i have a shitload of work to do, as does she, and i've been feeling really paranoid about always being the one going to her office, calling her office phone, initiating chatting, etc. i mean, what the fuck? i need a chill pill. also i'm hyper aware that she's leading up to one of the most pressure-filled days of her life tomorrow, and am trying to respect that and leave her be. but then i don't see her pretty, confusing face and i'm in an even worse mood. then there's hubby asking me questions like "are we ever gonna have sex again?" as i'm feeling near death and dragging myself off the bed to make myself take a shower, because it is a very difficult choice between bed and shower. very. difficult.

so. i'm just as anxious about tomorrow being lsat day as 10.0 is, i think, b/c that means that after tomorrow, she'll be back. like, present. like, fun again, available again, freed up to waste work hours talking to me again. i hope. so, i had the thought wednesday night to get her a little stuffed animal and a good luck card to give her today. i composed a nice little message, telling her that even though i haven't known her long, it's easy to see that she's "amazing and cool and fun and awesome" and that she'll be all of those things every day forever, even if she bombs the test, which she won't. so i wrote the card, and drew a terrible picture of the lsat getting whipped into submission, and signed with a smiley face.

when i gave it to her this morning, i felt awkward and embarrassed and started to get hot and flushed and had to flee. ugh. later, once she'd read the card, she emailed me "thanks for the card, i'll try to remember your advice tomorrow :) Happy we're friends :) " Okay....nice, i guess. and then i didn't really see her anymore, though i did pass her office once and see that j (other office lesbian) was in her office watching videos with her or something. and then i felt jealous and left out. then, at the end of the day, i had my door propped open and was trying to just wait and praying that she would come say goodbye. but then i couldn't stand it anymore because i heard one of the other interns talking with her about the weekend, so i pretended i needed to shred something and used it as an excuse to join their conversation. as i sidled up, 10.0 was inviting my co-worker to hang out on Sunday when 10.0 does a "photo shoot around Brooklyn" to celebrate being done with the lsat. i found myself looking at 10.0 forelornly, slightly pouty, and she looked at me and kind of mumbled "well, you could come too....." like it was obvious. but it's not obvious, not is it possible because i DO NOT LIVE IN BROOKLYN. (sidebar: after this interchange i felt a literal pain in my stomach thinking about how much i may be missing out on by not living in brooklyn, where 10.0 and so much possibility are...it literally made my stomach hurt.)

anyway, so my co-worker politely excuses herself, leaving me awkwardly standing at the door to 10.0's office while she gathers her things. she tells me that she's bartending on saturday night after the test (stomach aches again) and i awkwardly wave good bye to her and call "good luck!" as she breezes away.

and that was it. horrible. and i'm pretty sure she's avoiding me or trying to distance herself for me or something. nothing in particular has happened to prove that, but...i just feel like it's true. all the more reason for me to direct my attention elsewhere. because who am i kidding? to quote one of my favorite movies, she's "never gonna leave her."

February 9, 2011--re/dejected

ugh.

so i'm feeling crappy right now.

i feel like she's been avoiding me today...and yesterday, really. well, sort of, anyway.

she never responded to my--oh. i forgot to mention that i texted her last night and told her that i had started looking at apartments. i shouldn't have done that, of course. and of course she has completely ignored that i told her that. fantastic.

she also, and this sounds stupid, but really impacts me, hasn't been responded when i do stuff on fb. this is totally dumb, i KNOW. but it hurts. i mean, she's responding to OTHER people's comments, wtf? why does she hate me??!??!?

a similar thing happened when the other lesbian in the office sent around an email about something mildly, but not-really-that impressive. and 10.0 immediately "replies to all" with glowing praise. then, i sent out my semi-regular email inviting my closer coworkers (10.0 included) to a dance party in my office. NO ONE REPLIED AND NO ONE STOPPED BY. this has happened before, but not many times. i don't know why, but the fact that this happened today feels like a punch in the stomach. really. it really hurt. hurts.

so, right now i feel like the fat kid sitting on the derelict swing set that only has one functional swing and is rusting and saggy, watching the gorgeous, skinny children frolicking in daisies and farting rainbows while puppies fall from the sky. i feel completely left out of the party, and am wondering if it's because i tried too hard...

Note from the future: I considered not posting this one....I sound so....pathetic, really. Self-loathing, definitely. But, it's real, and it's how I felt, and it's part of the story. And I really like the bit about farting rainbows, so....there you go.

Dear John, I Love Jane



Dear John, I Love Jane: Women Write About Leaving Men for Women by Candace Walsh and Laura Andre

This book is incredible.  I've been reading it slowly since July, and it has helped me to not feel so alone as I, at 29-30, awaken to being very, very gay. It is the most disorienting and amazing experience I’ve ever had, and I am not alone.  If you're going through anything similar, read this book.  How helpful it's been for me to read about what other women have experienced is part of why I'm sharing my experience here!


February 9, 2011--sad...

what the fuck.

yesterday, i talked to s. (work friend), my bestie, and 10.0 about my relationship with hubby and how settled and at peace i was feeling about the fact that it just isn't working and that's just the sad truth of it. i was calm about it. i still am calm about it.

and my conversation with 10.0 at lunch time actually had a lot to do with me again stopping my avoidance of the truth. that conversation also made me really sad.

she asked me if it was just hard for me to remember the good parts about hubby and our relationship. the answer was no...no. there's nothing about him that makes me want to stay. we don't share a passion or interest that keeps spending time with him enjoyable. he doesn't appreciate good food, good wine, he's not artistic, he's not driven, he's not a DO-ER, we don't like the same anything really, other than, as 10.0 pointed out, our dog. and maybe thursday night tv on NBC. we do both like that.

how sad is that, right? answer: very.

also sad is that 10.0 explained to me how, even though when she talks to me about ss, her relationship with her sounds pretty awful and majorly problematic, she assured me yesterday that they really "make sense" together, you just have to see them together to get it, and she tends to be "overdramatic" with certain people and only talks about the negative stuff about her relationship. uh-huh. she said that "for whatever reason" she's committed to making it work, and she loves her and likes that she's so stable in comparison to 10.0's "nuttiness." so i listen to all of this and am both skeptical and heartbroken and distracted by her eyes. and also reeling from the reality of the fact that there's nothing redeeming enough and powerful enough to make me want to be with my husband.

so...last night i started looking for sublets. it felt a bit naughty, but not really, and also really exciting and liberating. i set up my own mint.com account to see how much money *i* actually have, and though it's not pretty, and i can pretty much only cover the security deposit, after emptying my meager savings account, at least i can do that. it was sobering and surprising to realize that i would really be okay with not having tv, having to eat ramen and other yet-to-be-determined filling yet cheap food, and having to figure out how to get people to buy me drinks at the bar. i *want* to do that. because then i could do whatever i need to do to figure out what i want my life to be like.

and to do that, i need my own room... in every way that that sentence can be interpreted.

February 7, 2011--ramblings...

we had couples therapy tonight.

i'm again at the point of thinking it's inevitable that we'll end up at least separating for a while, if not divorcing. our couples therapist again mentioned our need to really talk about why we're staying together. good question, therapist! why are we staying together??

we ended the session with "the big question": why did i not want to come home friday night? why did i want to stay at a bar talking with strangers and 10.0? why did i then drop off the radar and not really communicate with hubby for most of the entire day afterwards? why did i, even when i left to go home on saturday, want to do nothing but curl back up in her bed and while the entire weekend away with her??

i mean, admittedly, the bar was alot of the fun that night. there were nice guys to talk to, one guy, mike, bought me a drink and then we talked for alot of the night. there was another guy who was really sweet and nice enough, but a bit too strait-laced for me (sidebar: my husband is extremely strait-laced, when he's not being morally ambiguous), and there were also a lot of 10.0's lesbian pseudo-friends there who i talked to about my current "questioning" status. one of the women (C) was pretty blatant about the fact that she wants to sleep with 10.0. ha! sorry sister, take a number. it's funny though... 10.0 was very aware of how interested C. was in her relationship status, and was really suspicious of it, though i too am extremely interested in her relationship with ss, and have at this point been pretty clear that i don't really like it, thank you very much. but this, at least so far, has been okay with 10.0. this girl C., however, scamming on her, was not. huh.

i've been fantasizing that maybe ss has told 10.0 to stop interacting with me so much or something. i had a flash of them talking, of ss noticing how much interaction we have on fb, of her somehow looking at pictures of me and deciding i was a threat, and demanding that 10.0 not be friends with me. could that happen? has it happened? i know i'm being a bit arrogant, thinking that ss would be suspicious of me, feel threatened by me, and of 10.0 spending time with me, but....i do have similar conversations with hubby, so...it's not impossible.

hmm...

i'm going to try really hard not to chase after her for the next few days, let her come to me a little now, maybe. there does seem to be some reverb happening, though it's also true that we both have a lot of work to do and so there's really no time to chat. but we were making time before...

but i digress. alot. wow. the point of all this is that i am an many ways, subtle and overt, running away from my marriage. and, hubby continues to do things that feel like they are repelling me even more. today in therapy, he pretty much said that he doesn't really believe that i'm really going through what i say i'm going through. he said that he wonders if i just "catch" the "break-up" virus from people around me. if my "crush" on 10.0 is really just about me just "trying out" something new, that i'm grasping around trying to find something that will make me happy, instead of focusing my energy on "being happy with him."

i'm still figuring out my reaction to that. it felt really invalidating and bad, and completely off, and also like the result of him not being able to consider that maybe i can't be happy with him. and certainly not with just him. what he said tonight also implied that i have not been trying for the past many years to do exactly what he says i should be doing now, focusing every ounce of myself on figuring out how to be happy with him. that's all i've been doing since we met. what if i'm tired of doing that, having realized the sad truth that....i really can't?

i find myself now wondering how i could support myself right now, if we were to separate soon. could i get a personal loan to help me rent a studio? where would i move to? admittedly, the idea of moving closer to the city is really enticing. even as the fear creeps in about being alone, it also sounds really nice. and right. and hard.

uh oh.

February 7, 2011--closer...

what a rough day...

here's is an excerpt from some mobile blogging i did on the train today:
she told me that ss (her girlfriend) doesn't even really like her dog. that one really got to me, and i told her so. i spent alot of time cuddling with her, and i love that ugly, smelly dog.
she asked about my family, i told her about my relationship with my brother, how my parents don't really see me. she took me to her local weekend stomping ground, a great cafe that she spends her weekends in. she appreciates good food, and bought a plate of bacon for her dog.
But then she tells me how she and ss had a nice night sat and sun. :( how?

and then I wonder, was there a sexual attraction between us? Or were we both on our best behavior? or is there nothing to even be holding back? but there were many long lingering looks, and ss was exasperated with her when 10.0 texted her that I'd stayed over, and she did say i slept on the couch. which i didn't. and there were the long leg touches. hmm...
today I barely saw her, and am only a smidge sad about it, which speaks to how tired/busy/overwhelmed I currently am. I said hi, she told me a bit about her weekend, that she and ss had a nice weekend. (how?? how is that possible!?) later I gave her a little tickle in the center of her back with my index finger when i passed her in the kitchen, and i think it crossed some intimacy line, even though it felt natural...but then I didn't really see her, and she wasn't/isn't on fb...
so. I don't know. i need to be patient and let it unfold and just wait for her to fall in love with me (ha), but, have you heard?
one of the things that I am least is patient. Ugh ugh ugh.

February 6, 2011--30 days

Wow.

It has been about 30 days since I friended her on fb, and last nite,i slept in her bed. and she was in it too.

I know.

It really makes you think about how much 'sending what you want out into the universe' and that whole 'the secret' thing might actually...i don't know...work, maybe...sorta.

So, I'll write more about this later, but the important things are that nothing sexual happened between us, it felt very intimate and comfortable, we talked a lot, she shared alot about herself and her relationship with ss, about her sex life, we did a lot of ' pillow talking' (the hallmark of a good relationship, in my opinion), she wants kids and knows now that i'm maternal too, we went to brunch this morning, her dog loves me (key), our legs touched under the table a few times and neither of us pulled away, letting the physical connection last longer than it needed to...

I think maybe, if the gods are smiling on me, on us, this may have been the start of her liking me, too. Maybe.

Do you hear that, universe? I'm counting on you.



Thursday, December 29, 2011

February 3, 2011--chat comma brazen

so....back story. earlier today, when i walked with her to get her lunch, i mentioned that the smell of ciggy smoke wafting past us smelled good. she looked at me dismayed, "you don't smoke!?". i explained to her that i don't, but had taken my first real drag the weekend before, and that i was admittedly kind of wanting to do it again. she implored me to stay away, wide eyed and beautiful, and said that if she "had an insane voice like mine" she'd take the best care of it, what was i thinking!? (reading this again, i realize that that sounds more swoon inducing than it was. i mentioned first that i'd always stayed away to protect my voice, but b/c i don't really sing anymore, what's a cig every once in awhile? and then she talked about my voice. not as amazing. but still nice...)

so then i posted to my fb status tonight that i'd sung at the top of my lungs the whole car ride home (leaving out the crying and the pining, of course). then my phone bleeps telling me that she has commented on my status. she made mention to my nice CLEAN lungs, and i felt my heart swell that she was noticing me, fine with me knowing she was noticing me AND worrying about my budding nicotine habit, and i of course turned on the laptop and said hi.

the highlights:
  • she said that she knew i would show up, b/c she's realized that if she comments on stg i write, i'll show up eventually, like with the bat signal. ha! i admitted my obsession with fb, but then also brazenly said "whatever, you love it."
  • she mentioned, without my asking, that she's bartending tomorrow. i brazenly asked if she'd like company. she said "yes, you guys should come." okay, fine, a group invite, but whatever, i'll fucking take it. the funny thing is that i was planning to ask her tomorrow if she was working that nite, with every intention of stopping by, by myself or not.
  • she told me that she'd discovered how beautiful the sound is of the layer of ice that's covering the snow shattering under foot. she told me she wants to go record it for one of her stories that she wants to set to music and video. i brazenly (are you sensing the theme?) said in response "omg. you are cute." she responded with a :)
  • she mentioned a time when she'd karaoke'd with strangers. i said how much i needed some karaoke in my life. she said she did too, and that she was going to have such fun after the lsats were done. i (brazenly) said "yes! take me with you! :p i feel like our ideas of what's fun line up nicely, it's nice...so many of my other friends are...boring. or far far away" she ignored my non-subtle intimation that i want to be her bff (that's bisexual fucking friend) and instead asked about my "far away" friends, but whatever, i know she "heard" me!
i think that's it. i also think i might have gone a little over board. but whatever. i like her. i don't think i care so much if she knows it, at least as far as the normal "i like you as a person and want to hang out with you" liking goes. don't people like to know those things? or am i being a "creeper" as the kids are saying now?

whatever.

i love her.

February 3, 2011--mighty...

i am so insanely in love with her.

that's really all.

it's just that that's all of been thinking for the past hour, and i need to TELL SOMEONE or i was gonna burst or call her/text her/fb her so i put it out into the nothingness of this blog.

hope it helps.

sang Ghost at the top of my lungs on the way home from therapy (first session in, like, a month, and worthy of a separate post) and i started crying during listen number 2. i didn't expect to. i think it was this part that got me this time....

There's not enough room in this world for my pain
Signals crossed and love gets lost and time passed makes it plain
Of all my demon spirits I need you the most...
or maybe this part...

This bitter pill to swallow is the silence that I keep
It poisons me I can't swim free the river is too deep
Though I'm baptized by your touch I am no worse at most
In love with your ghost
had a great day with her today, which could be why i'm feeling so preoccupied with the beauty of her. i blogged about it on my phone, just have to upload it...

now, i'll go downstairs and eat dinner with my husband and watch our favorite tv shows.

nothing weird about that...

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

February 2, 2011--lyrics...

Ghost
(Words and Music: Emily Saliers)

There's a letter on the desktop that I dug out of a drawer
The last truce we ever came to from our adolescent war
And I start to feel the fever of the warm air through the screen
You come regular like seasons shadowing my dreams

The Mississippi's mighty, but it starts in Minnesota
At a place where you can walk across with five steps down
And that's just how you started like a pinprick to my heart
But at this point you rush right through me and I start to drown

There's not enough room in this world for my pain
Signals crossed and love gets lost and time passed makes it plain
Of all my demon spirits I need you the most
I'm in love with your ghost
I'm in love with your ghost

Dark and dangerous like a secret it gets whispered in a hush (don't tell a soul)
And when I wake the things I dreamt about you last night make me blush (don't
tell a soul)
When you kiss me like a lover and you sting me like a viper
I go follow to the river play your memory like the piper

And I feel it like a sickness how this love is killing me
But I would walk into the fingers of your fire willingly
Dance the edge of sanity I've never been this close
In love with your ghost
oooooh-oooooooh-ooooooh-oooooooooh
oooooh-oooooooh-ooooooh-oooooooooh

Unknowing captor you'll never know how much you
Pierce my spirit but I can't touch you
Can you hear it, a cry to be free
Oh I'm forever under lock and key
As you pass through me

Now I see your face before me, I would launch a thousand ships
To bring your heart back to my island as the sand beneath me slips
I burn up in your presence and I know now how it feels
To be weakened like Achilles with you always at my heels

This bitter pill to swallow is the silence that I keep
It poisons me I can't swim free the river is too deep
Though I'm baptized by your touch I am no worse at most
In love with your ghost

Amy:
In love with your ghost
In love with your ghost
Emily:
You are shadowing my dreams
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

i've been listening to it on repeat since this morning. every time, i have to hold back tears at the bridge. "unknowing captor, you'll never know how much you pierce my spirit, but I can't touch you." i mean, wow. that just about sums this whole shit storm up.

never heard anything from her after my text. i don't know what that means. i guess i'll find out.

i'm so stuck on the song that i even posted a link to it in my fb status, i'm feeling so compelled to share with everyone i know and love (esp. 10.0) where my mind's at tonight...even though hubby will see it, and will maybe realize that i'm not thinking about him...but i'm not.

sad. true.

Febrary 2, 2011--shadowing my dreams

Yesterday, early,i was feeling really frustrated with her. I was feeling resolute about needing to keep some distance from her-besides,i had a busy day ahead of me and didn't have time for long subtext-filled chats anyway. So I didn't go in and say hi, only interacted with her a little, felt slightly bereft about that, and then we closed early, she left while I was stuck on the phone, and I felt a great loss.

I immediately started thinking about how I could connect with her a little more that day, like with a cute text or stg, or maybe blatantly telling her I was sad we hadn't gotten to talk. I obsessed about it with s, we considered the possibility that she has no idea that I'm in love with her, which is baffling but possible, and whether or not I should try a fling with another woman, or just wait for her...no resolution there, of course.

But the whole convo put me in a surly/devil may care attitude, and I decided, to hell with it, I'm gonna tell her!

...

That I missed talking to her today, that is. Come on, I'm not crazy!

So I txted her that, and we then had a nice txt convo for a while, talking mostly about the fact that she's been doing art projects lately. She acknowledged though, that we were having our ' daily check' when I asked how she and ss were doing. So she notices too, I think that we talk daily. That's nice...

So then, quite abruptly, she CALLS me. This is unprecedented. I answer quizzically, wondering what has warranted this gift-she tells me she's now walking to the train and it's too cold to text, so she called. *swoon* so then we talk more about her art,i tell her her bedtime stories (subtext = her) are adorable, she asks what kind of art I create,i tell her I wish I painted, she says ' someday', we talk about when her birthday party should be, she asks me what I think, i tell her I think a costume/wig party would be fun, we say good bye, I hang up and marvel.

Then, this morning, SHE CALLS ME AGAIN. Just to find out if I'm coming into work. No real reason, basically. What does this MEAN!?

Fuck if I know. S thinks it's pretty significant, but...who knows with her!? And I barely saw her today, but when I did she looked beautiful...of course. Then she was gone already when I came out of my office at 5. sadness again. So I of course text her because I'm in fucking love with her, referencing the silly nickname I'd slipped and called her on fb today, and of course I haven't heard anything, and of course I'm freaking out that now, NOW she will realize that I'm into her, and she'll tell me to leave her alone. Or worse, and more likely, she'll just withdraw, and I'll want to die.

Yeah. That seems about right.

February 2, 2011--Ghost

Really listened to the lyrics of Ghost today on my way into work...
Holy shit, those Indigo Girls know how to sing about my life! The song is so applicable right now, it brought tears to my eyes...

Working on posting the lyrics, and giving an update of the last few days with her...stay tuned...

February 2, 2011--Realization

Realizing that I need to find another lesbian to love. She talked today about having her best friend with her to keep her from hooking up with all the hot girls that are always hitting on her. :/ ss is a fool. I also doubt a few things, 1) that she knows that it makes the most sense of anything sensical in this world that beautiful women want to be with her 2) that she would be attracted to me. Today she talked about the hot ' little things' that were hitting on her sat nite, how hard it is for her to say no. she also suggested that I look at go magazine to find places to meet lesbians, after I hinted at wanting to join her on one of her nites out. But she and ss are still together, tho they're fighting. And so I need to just be happy that we're bldg a friendship and be happy when I get to be with her. She came into my office at the end of the day.she'd never done that before. Just to talk. We talked about her law school apps, her wii games, how she plans to have tons of fun when the lsat is over, age, that she's thinking about what to do for her birthday, that one of her eyebrows arches up when she smiles, that her gf doesn't understand her at all (i draw that conclusion based on what she said about ss's edits of her personal statement), how she's a good writer but needs a good editor and it's like she's cutting of an arm when she has to cut things. I'm the same way, and told her so. I did not tell her that I'm in love with her.

posted from Bloggeroid

January 30, 2011--blergh.

so, i really need to do some work, but am feeling really distracted and keep just staring at my fb tab waiting for the little square by her picture to turn green (meaning she's at her pc) so that i can then start obsessively waiting for her to respond to my oh-so-breezy fb chat message, sent 40 min. ago, which said something corny like "Hi, friend-o". *sigh*

but i have every right to be distracted because on friday things were really nice and flirty between us. i hadn't seen her since monday, and we didn't talk much on friday either, but at the end of the day, completely without any real reason or provocation, she came into my office and gave me a hug good bye. !!!! i know. then i mentioned that one of my co-workers and i, s., were probably going to stop by her bar later, after going to a talk. she acted all squirmy and shy and said that we really shouldn't come because she'd be waitressing and it's not as much fun to visit then, and she has to wear this skimpy tank top and it's so embarassing and bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. then, 30 minutes later, she texts "you can come, i won't die." meaning that she'd been thinking about it/me for the past 30 minutes and wanted us to come. this interaction made me soooooooooooooo happy and excited, i think i actually did some skipping as i went to tell s. the exciting news. absurd.

so, skip ahead several hours, and s. and i are at the bar. we end up sitting with some really funny regulars, who 10.0 knows pretty well, which means that has double the reason to stop by our table. some of the night is a blur, but things that felt very important to me were that 1)she whispered in my ear about what an "awesome" night it was so far because some lesbian with a crush on her was flirting with her like crazy 2) we hugged a little too long at one point in the night 3) near the end of the night, as i try to tear myself away to try to get home that night, she tells me that her girlfriend (ss) was threatening to break up with her, i don't remember why. and i feel like something happened that probably made it clear to her that i wanted her, but i don't remember what that thing was. i was pretty drunk, but happily nicely so, by the end of the evening. i then texted her after we left and i realized that i was not gonna make a train home and was going to crash in bk that she should let me know if she wanted to do brunch the next day.

that was late friday night. it is now late sunday. i have not heard from her. at. all. the little square is now green on her fb picture. i have sent 3 little messages to her. she has not responded. i am devastated. and subsequently also feel like an idiot. i also kind of want to cry and yell and scream. becasue i'm being such an idiot. there is nothing concrete or real that has happened that should make me think she thinks about me as much as i think about her, that she misses talking to me, wants to see me, interact with me, etc. nothing, really. she has a very busy, very full life going on that i am at best on the outskirts of, and at worst a fringe participant/observer in. why am i expecting more??? i'm a fool.

and so now, i'm wondering how to act with her tomorrow. should i go pop my head in in the morning to have our usual "catch-up"? should i act all breezy and ask her how she's doin' and how was her weekend and act like everything's fine?

or should i stop acting like a lap dog desperately panting at her feet, waiting for her to grace me with her gaze? should i stay in my fucking office and leave her the fuck alone???

that's probably what i should do.

that's gonna be hard to do.

what do i do?????

January 24, 2011--allowed...

wow.

okay, so a lot has happened today. first, i talked to 10.0 a lot today, got barely any work done, and it was wonderful. it started this morning when i went in to say hi, to see how her weekend was. she asked me if i had any "updates" and i told her i didn't have any that i could say with her office door open. she said "we can close it." so i did. i told her how firmly settled i am right now in my need to sleep with girls, and how now that i know that, what do i do? something about me saying that to her shifted something between us, and she was the most open with me that she's ever been. she told me about this hot cuban woman, A., an ex of hers who came into her bar on Saturday and messed her up. she told me about how sex with A. was incredible and how they were passionate and always had to be touching each other and she couldn't get enough of her. and that A. was also crazy (really) so it couldn't work. but they "dated" i.e. fucked, for 1.5 years, and 10.0 was always chasing after her, trying to keep A. with her, because she wanted her, needed her. and when 10.0 saw her, it all came back and she wanted her again. and we talked about how A. flirted with her, and how 10.0 wanted her badly, but held it together and told her girlfriend everything to keep herself from doing something she shouldn't. and i thought, "she is my hot cuban ex who I can't get enuf of and would chase after in a heart beat, and forever."

we then ended up talking about how 10.0's girlfriend, let's call her Sad Sack (ss for short), is willing to do pretty much anything to keep 10.0 happy and in the relationship, so she'll "try anything" in bed and would probably even let 10.0 stray a bit if that's what she needed to stay in the relationship. i asked her if that's a good thing, that ss is so accommodating. and 10.0 said yes. that she needs the stability, and wants it, and that's what keeps her with ss. huh. that sounds familiar, right? i know exactly what she means. but this also made me really sad to hear, b/c, if she needs that stability, will she ever be willing to to step outside the lines and be with me? at all? even a little? hmm.

so then i pretended to work and sat through some training and did a smidgen of work, and then i fb chatted her to ask if she'd seen a video i'd posted. she responded that she'd just posted a link to this article on fb and wasn't sure if she should have. so then i read it, and she's chatting how sad she is about it, so i go find her, and give her a hug. i didn't even think about it, i just did it. and i sat by the copier as she made some copies and we talked about how sad the story is, and we talked about whether she should leave it up or not. she eventually took it down, but in the course of this, recommended an Indian movie about lesbian lovers to me, and told me that "i really should watch it, it's beautiful." i will.

near the end of the day, i went back in to talk some more (are you sensing a theme?) and noticed her shiny new watch. she told me that ss gave it to her, because she needs an analog watch for the lsats, and asked me what i thought of it. i said it was nice, but too big, and as she looked at it on her wrist she said, "it's armani. actually, hold on..." and started typing stg in on her computer. "what are you doing?" "i've been--i want to find how much this is, cuz maybe i won't wear it..." she finds a picture that's close, i ask to get a better look at it, leaning across her desk, taking her wrist. it gave me an excuse to touch her. turns out, the watch retails for $245. maybe that's why she stays with ss. :/

i talked with two of my coworkers today about her. they know everything, pretty much, and were really great to talk to about it all. they both said they're jealous of how excited I am and both think it's inevitable that i'll tell her eventually that i want her, because it's so hard for me, once i know the truth-- my truth, at least-- not to say it aloud. they also both think it's pretty clear that i very much like her, and also that she...something's me, too. we talked about how hard it is for me right now, as i communicate with her in vagueries, and talk around the fact that i'm in love with her, and how annoying it is that i can't stay away from her and can't get enough of her. i talk with about wanting to experiment with "women" and how i'm really into "women" right now, but it's not women. it's her. only her. we wondered today if she thinks I talk to her so much b/c of her role in the lgbtq community, as a leader, or if she gets it that I'm falling in love with her. so hard to say.

then there was more.

hubby and i had a mini-couples' session tonight, on our own, and we tackled figuring out what it means that i want to sleep with women. we established that as of now, i am allowed to kiss women. no further. i agreed to this boundary, suggested it myself, actually, and i feel good about it. and excited about it.

i then immediately came online to tell her. and we flirted. she called me hilarious. told me that she "wanted" me to be inappropriate (i had warned her that i was buzzed on wine, so to please pardon me if i said anything inappropriate). she then joked about how frightful she was looking, and described her outfit to me. i said it sounded "hawt". i asked if she was wearing this ridiculous pinnochio hat that i teased her about today (yes, i'm at the point of teasing the girl i like, like the little boy who pulls pigtails by the swings), she was, and i expressed my glee. she told me she was planning to go have a steak dinner by herself, and would enjoy seeing how sad she made the waiters, sitting there by herself. she then texted me when she'd ordered, told me what she ordered, i responded in kind, and she didn't reply. i'm noticing this is a pattern... she is sooooooo my cuban crazy (hopefully-never-ex-but-please-god-let-her-be-my-future) lover.

and i will chase her.

January 22, 2011--lesbian...?...

on wednesday of this week, i asked my husband how he would react if i told him that i needed to sleep with a woman, or a few, and that that's what i need to do right now, and that's that. i asked him this because i have realized that this is true. right now, i want to have sex with women.

i've realized that, even if things don't happen with 10.0, if i'm never able to tell her how i feel about her, if she never breaks it off with her girlfriend and i just have to love her and never have her, i still need to fuck some women.

i'm getting more used to this every day. last night, hubby and i watched a little porn, and i was really only interested in the lesbian stuff. and it got me hot, and quickly. hot and jealous. i was especially turned on by the two girls 69-ing each other. i want some pussy in my face. and i want a girl's tongue on my clit. there, i said it.

my husband actually said that he would be more okay with me needing to go outside the marriage for sex with women than sex with other men, so that's something, anyway. but now what? i can't move forward with 10.0, i really want to be respectful of her relationship, so i have to wait. she's driving me crazy and i want her so badly, but i must wait. i know that.

so then, where does that leave me? i need to find a woman who wants me and doesn't mind that i've never done this before. where do i find her? them? are there lesbian/bi women out there who don't mind showing an almost 30 y/o woman the ropes? i hope so. i need them.

January 22, 2011--love

(Note from the future!  I think this is when things really started shifting in me. This day is when I really started to realize I had to DO SOMETHING.)


so, i have a lot to say, need to put a lot of thoughts on "paper" but i'm gonna start with what happened last night.

last night, i had sex with my husband. it was alright, because i'm realizing with every page i read (most recently in the whole lesbian sex book by felice newman) about lesbianism and sex with women more and more about what turns me on, and what i, and many women, like/need to be fucked well. so, i took care of myself, for the most part, it made hubby happy, and...i was thinking about her the whole time.

as we had sex, i was painfully aware of the roughness of his hands, the roughness of his face where stubble was growing in, the angular sharpness of his body, his...dick. ugh. i'm just so not interested in dick right now. it's kind of amazing how much i do not want a dick anywhere near me. i feel so bad for my husband. i feel so bad for him, for us both, that he is not her.

then, afterwards, as he's cleaning himself off in the bathroom, i found myself thinking this: "i wish i had just had amazing sex with her. i wish that her hands were just caressing me, i wish that i had the taste of her in my mouth, i wish that i was cradling her breasts in my hands, pulling her hair, kissing her beautiful lips. i wish that i was with her right now." then i thought of something she said to me yesterday when we had lunch together (exciting, but we were also with J., the other out lesbian in the office. the two of them are good friends, and sat on the same side of the table, and 10.0 leaned her head on J's shoulder and i was very jealous). anyway, we were talking about 10's girlfriend, and how she wasn't intending to date her, because her girlfriend was not yet 'out' when they met, but then 10 said that "once she gets to know people, she loves them." when she said it then, and when i replayed that moment in my mind after sex with hubby, i wanted to cry. but last night, the tears came, fast and hot and bitter. they surprised me. they made me sad.

why was i crying? i was crying because i'm falling in love with her. i'm getting to know her and i'm falling in love with her. and i ache for her, and i want her to know me and love me. and the weight of that is so heavy. i'm married. she's partnered. she loves her. i love her. he loves me. horrible.

it takes everything in me not to tell her that i'm falling in love with her. everything in me not to constantly reach out to her and connect with her in any way i can. everything in me not to seem too excited to see her, too interested in what she's doing, saying, thinking. everything in me not to tell her 20 times a day how beautiful she is.

this is such a mess. i don't know what to do...

January 15, 2011--cone...

it is taking every fiber of my being not to reach out to her in some way. make sure she remembers me. make sure she thinks of me.

i found a funny picture of a dog in a daisy costume. i wanted to send it to her. i didn't. i posted in on fb, hoping maybe she'll like it.

i read a poem she wrote in september, gearing up for a march/rally for marriage equality, i think. the poem is so beautiful, so moving. amazing. i want to tell her i think so. i feel like i shouldn't. this is the weekend to sit on my hands. so i won't say anything...

i wrote on my public blog for the first time in almost 8 months. it's a revealing post, i think, talking about how restless i get in the face of fear, and how much i try to fight not knowing what's happening, feeling groundless. the post was inspired by my experience yesterday, which only you readers and a few close friends know about, but the point i made there is that i'm running, running, running, trying to force things, and i cannot. i have to stop messing, stop scratching, stop picking. so this picture is my visualized mantra for the weekend:


i'm trying to accept the groundlessness of life this weekend. trying to accept that there is not always something to DO. like a dog with a cone, i cannot scratch the wound all the time!! i'm trying to hold on too tightly to something that may not even exist, and i feel that my pleas for her attention are all in the service of keeping things from changing, or making them into what i think is the "best" or "right" way for my life to be, i.e., 10.0 wants me, i want her, we live happily ever after with our 2 dogs. but that might not be the right way, especially since THERE IS NO RIGHT WAY!

so i won't tell her i love her poem, i won't message her asking how she is, i won't share any links on her fb page. i won't won't won't. i will wait.

waiting is the hardest thing for me to do.

i hate it.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

January 14, 2011--charge

My charge this weekend: leave 10.0 ALONE. Today I feel like I went a little crazy, put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak, and I need to just calm the fuck down. Today, things were really awkward with her-I think we both pulled away from each other after being so open yesterday, and it hurt me too much to feel space btw us. She didn't come to the dance party at the end of the day-in point of fact, no one did-and the way I reacted, you'd think she'd just ripped my beating heart out, spat on it, and stomped it into pulp.

I cried.

I felt so awful and unloved and alone. But, she is not with me. She has no responsibility to me whatsoever, and yet I have come to rely on her to nourish me, just a little bit, every day. I have been needing her light to shine on me, to water me, every day. And today I didn't feel her light, as we each retreated from the heat of the other- or, as I pushed her away with my eagerness-- and I felt starved and raw and scared.

And I cried.

And so, I need to check myself before I wreck myself, and really think about what's happening here. What am I doing? What am I looking for? What am I wanting? Why? Who is she to me? Who is my husband to me?? Who am *I* to me???

I can't ask that of her. I can't seek everything I'm not getting from my own husband in her eyes, that don't see me the way I see her. And how do I see her? As something not real, no doubt. As someone perfect, and mine, and essential to survival.

she is none of these things...she is more...

January 14, 2011--bad day...

right now, i'm sitting at my desk, wanting to cry.

i feel...

stupid.
embarrassed.
young.
immature.
humiliated.
shamed.
dumb.
fat.
silly.
foolish.
like a schoolgirl.
like a fake.
like an idiot.
hurt.
abandoned.
rejected.
angry.
sad.
tired.
alone.

i hardly interacted with her today...the energy was off and strange, and i felt like i couldn't go in and talk to her today. it felt bad. i fb chatted her asking about tonight, if she'd be working or not, and i'm so worried that i seemed desperate, obsessed, something...i'm feeling really embarrassed about it. then, she left early and didn't say goodbye or anything, though she'd said she would come to the dance party today...she's not. she just left.

i'm such a fool...i feel really dumb right now. what did i think was going to happen?

January 14, 2011--control...

i feel like i'm losing my grasp on reality and my ability to control my self and not turn into a creepy stalker-type...

i'm scared that i'm gonna freak 10.0 by being so damned interested in her all the time. it's feeling harder and harder not to act weird around her. like, today, i'm obsessed with finding out if she's working, or if she's not working, and if she isn't working, well, where is she going, and would she want to hang out later, and ohmygod will she call me?? i just fb chatted her to ask if she's working, and tried to sound all breezy and not-that-interested, but i'm probably soooooo transparent. oh my fucking god. really? i need to get a hobby. like, maybe, doing my fucking job. which i've been barely doing since Jan. 3.

so pathetic.

i also emailed the cute guy from the airplane, L., and told him i was looking for a drinking buddy tonight, trying to cover my bases so that i'm not soooooo obsessed with whether or not i get to see her tonight. he just responded that he's already got plans, but to check with him next time, so at least he's still interested! so that's cool...

god. i feel disgusted with myself right now. blegh.

January 12, 2011--ain't nobody else is gonna love you...

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

i had a second couples' therapy session in 3 days with the husband tonight. it was better than monday, no yelling this time, but...it's not feeling good.

as i sat beside him and watched him start crying at the thought that he is not enough for me right now, that i'm not attracted to him, i felt bad for him, i rubbed his back to try to comfort him, but...i could feel the distance in me as i looked at him. i thought, in that therapy room, as i stroked his back and explained to him that i still care and love him and want to be with him, too, i also thought, 'i don't even like you.'

he is a frightening person to me now. he is sharp edges and hardness and hurt and fear and shame. not love. not softness. not caring. i look at his face and i don't feel safety, i don't feel home.

even as i think on the one hand that i want to keep the marriage, at the same time that i'm emotionally leaving it, i'm starting to wonder, do i really want to hold on to this? i think i want to stay married to him because it would be easier in many ways. no divorce, no splitting of assets, no figuring out who gets to keep our precious dog...and i would always have someone to come home to if a new relationship i was pursuing fell apart. that feels so selfish to say...

but then, as i think about it today, why do i want to come home to this, exactly? to this person who is constantly criticizing, judging, second-guessing, analyzing, condescending, logic-izing, challenging, shaming? whom i don't feel anything in common with right now, other than history. painful history. i don't feel more alive with him. i feel bound and squashed and sat upon. dead.

tonight as i went to the 24-hour usps drop box to mail some packages (driving to the one farther away so that i had more time out of the house) i sang along to melissa etheridge's "i'm the only one" at the top of my lungs a few times. i imagined singing it to 10.0, staring into her gorgeous eyes as i powerfully belt out those words that are so, so true for me.

please, baby can't you see, my mind's a burnin' hell
i got razors a-rippin' and tearin' and strippin' my heart apart as well


...i'm the only one who'll walk across a fire for you
and i'm the only one who'll drown in my desire for you...

January 11, 2011--queer...

for the past few days i've been trying on for size thinking of myself as "queer."

the way that i think about using that term is similar to this definition from wikipedia (boldface/italics added by me for emphasis):

Because of the context in which it was reclaimed, queer has sociopolitical connotations, and is often preferred by those who are activists; by those who strongly reject traditional gender identities; by those who reject distinct sexual identities such as gay, lesbian, bisexual, and straight; and by those who see themselves as oppressed by the heteronormativity of the larger culture. In this usage it retains the historical connotation of "outside the bounds of normal society" and can be construed as "breaking the rules for sex and gender". It can be preferred because of its ambiguity, which allows "queer"-identifying people to avoid the sometimes strict boundaries that surround other labels. In this context, "queer" is not a synonym for LGBT as it creates a space for "queer" heterosexuals as well as "non-queer" homosexuals.
yup. that sounds about right.

and then, really, i'm not quite sure that queer=me either. really, i identify right now as "10.0-loving" more than anything else.

and then, of course, there's the fact that i don't really need to define myself as anything, for anyone. but i also am feeling a need to define what's going on for me right now for me.

but i know what's going on right now. that mystery's been solved, my friends. i met a woman who i am falling in love with. the end.

my own savior...

Yesterday as I was driving home from spending Christmas with one of my best friends and her family, Adele's "Turning Tables" came on. Now, there's the joke going around that if you listen to Adele, you are asking to/wanting to sob hysterically (see: the SNL skit with Emma Stone), and it's a joke going around because it's actually completely true. But the funny thing is, I have probably listened to 21 more than I've listened to anything else this year, and absolutely, I bawled my fucking eyes out to it tons of times.

But since I've settled in to my new life, her songs haven't made me sob anymore, and I can just listen and appreciate how awesome she is.

But for some reason, yesterday, as I listened to "Turning Tables" this line really stuck out to me:

Next time I'll be braver/ I'll be my own savior/ Standing on my own two feet

I have listened to and sung along to those lines a hundred times, and yet, yesterday, they really hit home. And I cried.

Because that's me. That's what I'm hoping to, trying to, planning to do now.  And as I realized that, I felt....proud. Scared. A little sad. And excited.

I'll be my own savior.

I think maybe I've found my next tattoo :)

January 10, 2011--big 3...



Things I feel that I will inevitably tell her:

1. I think you are incredibly beautiful. So so so so so so beautiful, both inside and out. So very beautiful and lovely.

2. I was immediately attracted to you the first day we met, because of the person you are. And as I've gotten to know you, learned more about you, I've become extremely sexually attracted to you, too.

3. I very much want to fuck you. I don't know if you're attracted to me, but if you ever decide that you are, I'm pretty sure that I will want to fuck you for a very long time, so if you're ever interested, you just let me know.

It seems impossible to me that I will not, at some point in the near or distant future, tell her these things. I hope I can hold my tongue. The big 3 are *bursting* to get out.

January 9, 2011--confession...

huh.

so, i just had a facebook chat with 10.0. i initiated it. i couldn't help myself! i wanted to talk to her, and i saw that she was online. so i chatted with her, and we ended up chatting for 40 minutes.

i told her that i'm into women. i wasn't really planning to, it just sort of came out. twice.

i told her that i want an open relationship with my husband. i think i also mentioned that twice.

she told me that "what she likes about me" is that i'm a bit of an enabler. she told me i was funny.

she seemed genuinely concerned about my home life, asking "how things are at home," etc. i'm not sure what to make of that...

she also told me that she had a lobster dinner with her girlfriend tonight and that her girlfriend "cutely" asked a lot of questions about what it's like to eat a lobster. (i don't think this is cute at all. but i went with it.)

she seemed to really want to know about my status with my husband, but was then pretty vague about her own 'ship. when i poked a bit, she said that she'd considered ending her relationship over winter break, i.e. in the past month, but that then "something worked" but she doesn't know what worked but that now it "feels better, mostly" and she's still trying to figure out what she wants out of a relationship, but that she's not "looking to go anywhere" so she's fine with seeing what happens. huh. that sounds really exciting and passionate, doesn't it?

not.

i know i'm being petty and jealous. i know. but 10.0's girlfriend is not pretty. and she seems really boring and lame and dull compared to 10.0. which of course might be why they're together...but why not me???

i strangely feel much more calm now. talking to her was cathartic. i got it out, at least some of it. i told her that i'm into chicks. so now she can at least see me as a potential partner, realistically. no more wondering if i'd be interested. i just told her that i am. maybe i'll get some sleep tonight.

January 9, 2011--distraction...

today has been brutal.

i tried so hard to work. i sat at this laptop for most of the day. i didn't go visit my friend and her babies and sat here and sat here. and all i can do is think about her. all i can do. i've looked at every facebook picture with her precious face in it, thought about all the things i think are so fantastic about her, cuddled the bear she gave me, read in this amazing book i started reading (the straight girls guide to sleeping with chicks, by jen sincero) about how important kissing is in lesbian sex, learned about fingering, and started learning some techniques for "eating good pussy," and was completely turned on by it all. this is significant, as i have never before been interested in going down on a girl, much less reading up on the subject in case i ever got the chance. holy hell, i've completely fallen for her.

and that's what's so scary, is that it's her i want. i'm trying to tease out what will happen if i ever find out for sure that, if/when she knows how much i want her and tells me she's not interested, if i'd still want to sleep with other women. i really don't know. all that's in my sights is 10.0. all i know is that i want to kiss her lips, caress her breasts, finger her vagina, suck on her clit. and i really want to. i'm not messin' around. and i really want her to do those things to me. so bad.

today we had our requisite facebook exchange, this one passively initiated by her yesterday, then actively continued by me today. it turns out that around noon yesterday, she found my youtube channel, watched and 'liked' one of the videos i have up of me singing, and subscribed to my channel. so, she didn't hide at all the fact that she had looked, and liked what she saw. i realized this late last night and could barely get to sleep after realizing it. so, this morning, i messaged her this:

omg, you found my youtube. *blushes furiously and hides face in hands*

she pretty quickly responded that she thought my voice was "incredible...beautiful" and that "we should sing together :) " i said thanks, said she was "sweet," told her i liked a video she'd posted earlier that day, and asked if she was doing the no pants subway ride later today, which we'd talked about friday. she then responds with a pretty long message giving me details of a project she's working on that combines clips of lgbtq people talking about missed moments with their family's because of prejudice and lack of acceptance. i then said this, among other things:

..the project seems awesome, let me know (when you start working on it again) if I can help with it in any way, I've been feeling a bit of a fire alighting in me recently, and I want to get more involved with LGBTQ stuff, so I'd love to help out.

i added the bold to make a point. the point being i pretty much told her that i'm gay for her. or for somebody, anyway. right? does it seem like that's what i'm saying? i mean, clearly that's what i really am saying, but i don't so much want her to know that as i want her to wonder about it. but then, in her response she didn't mention that part of my message at all, and instead mentioned that she was about to go see her girlfriend. boo. i get the message, 10.0, you're girlfriend exists, you're still committed to her, and why don't i stop scamming on you? well, i really can't. because your gorgeous and wonderful and make me feel, well, on fire. what's a girl to do??

the only real problem here, aside from her having a girlfriend, is that i really don't have time to be so distracted. i mean, i've got alot of work to do that i barely touched today. this is not gonna work, me not doing my work! i either need to somehow get over her, or get laid by her. either way, something's gotta give. and soon.

January 9, 2011--She...

she is so beautiful.
so, so, so beautiful.
inside and outside.
she's a photographer.
she cooks.
she likes to and wants to travel.
she's passionate.
she's an activist.
she's a bartender.
she looks really hot in a skimpy tank top.
she likes jameson.
she writes poetry.
she writes letters to her congresspeople.
she has gorgeous big, piercing eyes.
she likes silly animal videos.
she makes funny movies.
she likes wigs and costume parties.
she works really hard for everything she has.
she's making me crazy.
she likes to dance.
she's not that good of a dancer.
she's all i can think about.
she makes my heart skip.
she gets nervous and embarrassed.
she makes me want to have a lot of sex.
she gave me a teddy bear.
she bought me a coffee.
she has beautiful breasts.
she makes me want to give her everything. all of me.
she sees the beauty in simple things.
she's a lesbian.
she doesn't wear dresses.
she has a girlfriend.
she's probably with her right now.
she's all that i want.
she's everything i want.
she's not with me.

January 8, 2011--bar...

so i went to 10.0's bar....and it was good.

and also hard. really hard not to tell her. i think i kinda sorta started to, actually...

let me say again-- she. is. beautiful. have i mentioned that?

the short version is that she paid a lot of attention to us, talked specifically to me alot, told me about her relationship, how they're so different, how she considered breaking it off a few months ago (but i don't know why, since i didn't want to seem too interested in the potential demise of her relationship, though i clearly am the most interested in that), but that now she's feeling renewed about her again, how there are always women, sometimes straight women, trying to sleep with her/make out with her, etc. at the bar, and how mostly she rebuffs them, but sometimes she doesn't (i'm not sure if she's let anything happen since she's with someone...my friend thinks that maybe she has...), and i began to hint at the fact that I'm not so happy in my marriage because..."well, i don't think he can be everything i need..." "is there someone else?" she asks. "well...maybe...there could be..." i say, and stare into her eyes, willing her to understand. "huh...well, maybe this isn't the place to talk about this..." and we move on. it took everything in me not to tell her--what? i don't know. that i want her, love her, need her, think she's incredible, everything.

the bar felt like home to me, due to the many days and nights i've spent in a bar much like hers, and i never wanted to leave. i just wanted to watch her. one of my friends said it's clear that i'm in to her if you watch me watch her. oops. i'm not sure i mind, though. i am in to her. what can i say? she had on this skimpy tank top and her breasts looked incredible and it was soooooooooooo hard not to blurt out how much i want her. i really do....

...another friend remarked when we talked earlier that perhaps this isn't a bi or lesbian or straight thing, but that perhaps it's a person thing, which feels really right. it's her. there's a charge, there always has been, and she is what i want. not women. her. and tonight i learned even more about her, and about how much we are similar...i learned that she's seen my pink hair (facebook stalking, perhaps? i know it well...) and she liked it. that she throws costume parties and really wants me to be at the next one, "because I'm fun." that she drinks Jameson, and stays away from tequila because it makes her too drunk, that she works Tues. and Friday at the bar, that she's awkward and graceful and funny and soulful and lovely...

January 8, 2011--beauty...

So, she hadn't even gotten it when I saw her at work this morning. And so I of course had gotten no response from her, and spent last night, the birth day of my dear friend's children, both excited and happy about their arrival and terrified that I had ruined something that hasn't even really begun with 10.0. But I was determined not to let this ruin my chances at getting her to fall in love with me, damn it, so I resolved to pop into her office this morning and sheepishly and cutely ask if she'd gotten my sappy message. So I did, AND SHE HADN'T! Amazing. It was like the one time she hadn't immediately seen something I'd said to her on fb. So she immediately went to check it and I stopped her, saying coyly 'No no, wait, read it after I leave because it's really sappy and I'm embarrassed!' so I darted out, and later she had written me back that it was a sweet message, not sappy, and she was happy we were becoming friends too! And...I breathed a huge sigh of relief and was floating.

Then.

I forwarded her an adorable dog picture that a friend had sent me, and she proceeded to become obsessed with it and immediately shared it on her fb page. So I then used the opportunity to go talk to her, of course, and we then spent the next 15 minutes watching videos of the cute dog, boo, and of Maru, my favorite facebook cat. It was great...I sat next to her, took her in. Beautiful. She thought they were the greatest thing, and didn't hide it, and was so beautiful.

But I forgot the most amazing part! *smacks forehead* As I entered her office to talk about the cute dog, she says shyly "I have something for you..." "What?" "I didn't want to not do what I said, so..." and she hands me a little coffee cup. A cappucino. She brought me a cappucino. This is VERY significant b/c a few days earlier, on one of the first days of our heavy-duty interacting, she'd joked about getting coffee for the whole office, then didn't, then I teased her about being a tease...and so...she got me a coffee. She even sprinkled cinnamon on top. "It's cold now, you don't have to take it..." "No, no! I want it, this is so sweet, really, thank you..." We held each other's gaze a bit longer than necessary, like we always do, and I took it like it was the most precious gift. And that's when we started watching cute animal videos....

ANYWAY! She then came to the dance party (I'll explain what that is later, maybe) danced silly, watched me wiggling around (I caught her in my peripheral vision), and INVITED US TO COME TO HER BAR. She was bartending that night, we should come by...It was what I had been waiting for. The moment had arrived. She was inviting me in...

She then left because she had to go home and have a "secret rendezvous" with her girlfriend :( before going to work, and I then talked for a long time with my friends at work about how strongly I'm pulled to 10.0, how much I want her, how undeniable the attraction feels, and then how sad it makes me that most likely nothing will ever happen. Because she's with someone, and seems really committed to her...So then I was a bit sad, as reality hit me in a strong wave and I felt like a bit of a fool. But at the same time, I still wanted to see her. I wanted, like always, to be wherever she was. If that was all I could have of her, I would take it. And cherish it.

And so...we went to the bar... (to be continued...)

January 6, 2011--full...

This past week has really been almost too much. But it's been too much in wonderful, invigorating ways.

On Sunday I realized that I wanted an open marriage.
On Monday I told my husband that.
On Tuesday I fully acknowledged to myself that I absolutely and completely want to fuck the beautiful lesbian office manager at my job (she will henceforth be referred to as 10.0) and sort of told my husband *that*.
On Tuesday I also started reading 'The Straight Girl's Guide to Sleeping with Chicks'. It is amazing.
On Wednesday I realized that women, too, think about sex constantly, *once they know who they want to be having sex with*.
On Wednesday I also moved through the entire day feeling like a bi-sexual woman, at the very *least*, and I felt beautiful and on fire and happy and free. On Wednesday I also flirted a lot with 10.0 on facebook, and fell more in love with her.

Today, Thursday, she sat next to me at lunch, an extremely amazing thing, esp. since she very rarely joins us in the conference room for lunch. More amazing still is that I talked to her for most of the hour, asked her questions, showed her I was interested in knowing her, hinted at not being happy with my husband, expressed in no uncertain terms that I want to do karaoke with her, told her that I love brunch, and food, and passion, and singing and was told by her that I should move to brooklyn (where she lives), and let her know ahead of time if I plan to go into brooklyn for the nite. We also discussed how nice it is that we're getting to know each other better, all thanks to facebook, which is so true and strange.

Then. One of my best friends went into labor and is about to bring 2 new beings into the world. I told 10.0 about this excitedly, and then, as I was leaving work and told her I was going, she asked, 'do you want to take the bear?? Take the bear!' and tossed me this little fluffy brown bear to keep me company. At least, that's why I think she gave it to me, though maybe it's for my friend, now that I think about it. Whatever, she's thoughtful and sweet, and said for me to let 'them' know how it went. And now, as I'm on the train to my friend's side, feeling so emotional and excited and happy, I couldn't help myself and sent 10.0 a thank you message, on fb, of course. So while I'm anxiously waiting to get to the hospital, I'm also freaking about possibly coming on too strong, b/c she hasn't responded. And that could very easily be b/c she's working, duh. That's probably all it is...

RIGHT!??
FYI, as I post older writing, I'll title those posts starting with the date it was actually written. As I start writing more about my life now, those posts won't have a date in the title.

January 2, 2011-open...

so...
i just got out of bed with my husband, who, yes, i am still married to, despite my last post in October, because i have something really big and exciting and confusing and messy and dramatic floating around in my head, and i can't sleep until i get it out.

i think i want my marriage to be an open one.

yeah. open.

i'm realizing that this idea has been clawing at me since i was semi-cheating on my then fiance several years ago with two other men. i really think that at that time, i was viewing it as being an open relationship, it's just that my fiance hadn't signed on for that with me, so it was wrong. but ever since then, i haven't felt as fulfilled as i once did with my husband, and have always felt that something big and vital and important was missing.

then, as i flew home to visit my parents for christmas this year, i happened to sit next to this really interesting and attractive guy who made me feel excited about people and the world and life. and the excitement wasn't just sexual--in fact it wasn't even 25% sexual. he just reminded me, as he talked about his experiences and his work, and asked me questions about myself and my work, that there are amazing, interesting people in the world, some of them with piercing, beautiful blue eyes, who i don't know yet, but would like to. we exchanged cards, and are now facebook friends, and i'm wondering how i can manage to see him again. alone. i was just lying in bed next to my husband and dog wondering what kind of lover he is. i kind of want to find out. could that ever be ok?? why isn't it ok???

i'm also painfully attracted to the female, lesbian office manager at my job. she's mysterious and beautiful and i want to know everything about her, including what it's like to love her and be loved by her, both emotionally and physically. she has a girlfriend, but there's an energy between us that i don't think is all in my head. but could i ever explore the charge between us? could i ever tell her how amazing i think she is? if not, is that right? if not, isn't that wrong? and sad?

i've been reading alot about acceptance and ending suffering and embracing groundlessness and the fact that nothing is permanent, and i think that exploration has led me here. which is surprising and unexpected. but exciting. i'm feeling freer. but also stifled. i'm feeling like i'm trying to sprint forward, see new things, fling my arms wide, explore, explore, explore, but...my husband is chained around my waist, digging in his heels, looking at me with painfully innocent eyes, wondering why everything's not just fine the way it is...

i want to be able to be intimate with people other than him. i wish that he was enough for me. i want my world to be expanded and blown wide open by people who have seen more and gone farther and seen and experienced drastically different lives from my own. I want to grow, and I want other people to be able to help me to do that. I want to help other people to grow and expand, too. I think I have things to offer, but I feel that my husband doesn't want them, or doesn't need them, or...somehow, someway, is not open to what i want to give. I want my husband to be able to expand my world like that. but he seems so...still. and slow. stagnant. i don't want to be those things. i feel like i'm being held back, a bit caged in, even. i want to be free. i want us both to be free to not feel confined, pinned-in, impinged upon. i do love him.

October 18, 2010--i think this is the start of the end...

I just broke down into body-wrenching sobs as I stood at the kitchen sink washing a pot.

I broke down because of what I was thinking.

I was thinking, “One day, I don’t think I’ll be married to this man. I don’t think I can stay married to this man.”

It is so heart-breaking a thought, so terrifying a thought, so painfully sad a thought, that I couldn’t stop the tears.

I’ve been holding these tears, these real, terrified, miserable, scared tears, for so long. They’ve been waiting for today, I think.

I tried to cover the sobs in the sound of the running water. But then I was crying so hard I couldn’t see. I was about to drop the pot on the floor. I braced on the knob. The water turned off.

The dog heard me first. He yipped. Wondered what was wrong with me.

My husband paused the DVR. I tried to stop my pain from escaping, so messy, so loud. Too late.

He came over, placed his hands awkwardly on my shoulders as I faced away from him. His presence only made me cry harder. “I’m going to have to leave you one day,” I thought to myself. My crying picked up at that hellish thought.

As I cried and cried, he eventually asked me what was wrong. How to say it?

“I don’t know if I can do this,” is what I choke out through tears and moans.

“I don’t know either,” he says. “Neither of us knows.”

He’s not understanding me. Of course he’s not.

“I just don’t know, I don’t know if I can!” I’m crying into his chest now, simultaneously wanting to beat him and hug him. Instead I try to stem the flow of snot from my wet face.

He says, “We were fine, in a really good place, just last week. We’ll be fine, we’ll get through this.”

“Well, that’s not really true,” I say. ‘We’ have not been in a good place in a long while. Since our travel abroad, since our return, when something broke, ‘we’ have not been in a good place. I have been fearful, worried, doubting.

“It’s always there!” I cry. “It’s always there for me, my fear that I can’t do this with you!” It’s such an enormous confession for me. I feel relieved for having said it. Lighter, already.

“Well, the threat of terrorism is always there...” He says this, incredibly, as he manages to simultaneously scoff at me and judge me and invalidate me yet again. This is his response to what, to me, are the most terrifying words one can ever really hear about themselves. That was his response.

Another nail in the coffin of this marriage. I heard the hammer swing down on that one.

His absurd immunity to my pain in that moment started to dry my tears. I felt baffled, disbelieving, amazed, angry at how he was reacting. Well, this is it, I thought to myself. This exact thing is why I can’t. I moved back to the sink, resuming my abandoned pot-washing duty.

He stands there off to my left side. Hovering. Annoying. “But….” He says. Still trying for logic, logic that fits in with his sense of himself and the world. “But…what’s wrong??”

You, I think. I take a deep breath. And speak the truth. “I’m not happy….at all.” My tears resurface again. Pesky. I try to hold them in this time. I don’t want him to see anymore.

I begin to fill the pot with water. Still, in all of this mess, it’s time to cook the ravioli. As the water fills the pot, creeps up toward it’s rim, he speaks.

“That’s enough.”

Yes, I think. That's enough.