Saturday, May 24, 2014

Relationship advice

I got a really great question on my page, and though I answered it over there, I'm going to post it here too.  I feel like this one's important. (By the way, thanks so much to all of you who've been sending in questions!  Keep 'em coming, they'll be talked about in the first episode of the podcast, which Elle and I will be recording this week!)

“You recently wrote that you and your gf went through a tough time. Are things better now and if they are how did you get through it. I’m going through a rough time right now in my relationship and could use some advice”-Anonymous

Things are better between Elle and I now, but it took time.  I think we had about a month to a month and a half that were really hard, and we’ve had hard times before.  A lot of our issues both this time, and in the past, are about our communication—or, actually, about our LACK of communication.  We weren’t talking about how we were really feeling about a lot of things, and weren’t telling each other what we needed (both from the other person, and in our lives in general), and that led to a lot of the problems we were having.

The solution was TALKING. A lot. And talking honestly, and about things that made us feel vulnerable.  I think that each of us heard, and said, things that we maybe would have rather been kept inside, but if we had, we would have continued down a bad road for our relationship, because we would have been pretending that things were okay when they weren’t.

I don’t know the specifics of what’s happening in your relationship, of course, but whatever it is, the most important thing you can do to try to work through it is to talk to each other. About all of it. About every feeling and fear you’re having.  But I think it’s really important to point out that Elle and I didn’t FIGHT to work through our issues. Yes we got loud sometimes, and there were many tears, but you have to talk it out remembering that you’re both on the same team. Try to not to get nasty, unless the intention is for the relationship to end. I know from experience that the nasty things said in tough times leave deep and lasting wounds.  If both of you still want to be together, if you want to get past this tough time and still be together, make sure to remember that and remind each other of that. You have to remember that the whole reason why everything is happening between the two of you is because you love each other, and are trying to make it work, but maybe don’t know how or are scared.  Be kind, even as you are sharing your hurt, or hearing things that hurt you to hear.

I hope this helps, anon. Keep me posted?


Monday, May 19, 2014

Podcast? Podcast.

Hi lovelies!

A few updates! First, I've finally created a Facebook page. I know, welcome to 2003, right? Anyway, I figured it was about time to stop leaving non-twitter people out :)

Second, I've been getting back into podcasts recently (and am always looking for new ones to try, any favorites to share? Leave 'em in the comments!) and I've noticed a real lack of the kind of queer podcast I'd want to listen to, soooo I've convinced Elle to be my co-host, and we're going to start the New Lesbian podcast soon!

We're thinking it'll be a mix of answering your questions and talking about things that are happening in the queer world. I hope you'll give it a listen, but first I hope you'll send in your relationship questions/sex questions/dating questions/discussion topics/anything you'd like to hear us talk about! 

Use my page or comment below to submit your questions, etc, and make sure to leave your name (real or twitter) if you want a shoutout! 

Looking forward to starting to "talk" with all of you :)


Friday, May 16, 2014


Hi lovelies.

Welllllllll I've been AWOL for a bit. There's been a lot going on.

As you might have guessed from my last post, I had a stretch there where I was feeling really down, kind of hopeless, just full of longing for "the rest of my life" to start, you know the feeling? Not fun. I've also got some (minor) health stuff going on that had knocked me off my feet for a while. Feeling better now, but it was an unpleasant few weeks.

Elle and I had also been having a hard time for a month or so. It's so hard for me to write about our relationship when things are really hard. Mostly out of respect for her, and us. I try to be very careful not to write something here about our relationship if she doesn't know it yet and I haven't said it, out loud, to her. She knows about this blog, she can read it if she wants to, and in some ways that makes it hard to write about her, but it also forces me to communicate wholly in my relationship, which is something I need. I used to hide on this blog--instead of talking to whomever about what was going wrong, I would write about it here, and stew and simmer and not be brave and TALK IT OUT.  I can't do that now, and I love that. It pushes me to be the kind of partner I know I should be, and the partner that Elle, and anyone, deserves. I can't ask her to be open and honest with me if I don't have to be. So in a way, this blog makes me have to be.

So. That's cool.

We celebrated our two year anniversary last weekend. I'm not surprised at all that we have been together for two years. It felt like an inevitability in the best way.  When we started dating, we talked alot about how the scariest thing for each of us was that we KNEW that this was going to be big. We knew it would be real and long-lasting, which is why it felt so momentous and scary to take the leap. And we've been right about that.

I see myself with Elle for a long time. I want to be with her for a long time. And that means a lot of things. It means opening myself up to the vulnerability of giving someone my heart, for them to do with it what they will. It means letting someone love me in a way that I still wonder if I entirely deserve (though of course, we all do, even me).  It means being honest and authentic and truly myself in a way that I have never, ever done before. It means allowing someone else to impact my life in deep and long-lasting ways. It means giving up the reins. It means letting go.

So here we go.

Monday, May 5, 2014


Do you ever feel burdened by the steady, solid weight of your wanting?

So heavy, all this yearning.