Monday, January 30, 2012

how many?

So, I'm battling the flu and am admittedly a bit doped up on cough syrup right now, but...

I just had a sad thought.

I already crossed paths with one person in my life who loved me enough to want to marry me.  Though, yes, that relationship was ultimately not right for either of us, the point is that there was someone out there, whom I happened to meet, who WAS WILLING TO SAY "I WILL BE WITH YOU ALWAYS".  Which is a fucking crazy thing to say, you know?

But so, I just thought, what if that's it? What if that's all I get? I mean, how many people can you possibly be fortunate enough to meet in your life who get to know you enough AND can tolerate you enough to love you like that? How many?

I'm not even sure I'd want to get married again, but that's really not the point. The point is, HOLY SHIT WHAT IF THAT WAS IT?

:(

Friday, January 27, 2012

Second date

(Note: This post is somewhat cheeky. It makes it seem like I'm over whatever happened/didn't happen with SC. I am not.  I'm just trying to not dwell and obsess about it because there's no point to doing that. It was confusing and hurtful and I'm pretty sure that somewhere in there I got fucked over for no discernible reason, but I'm trying to just get on with things.  I have it on good authority that *I* did not actually fuck this one up. So I'm gonna hold onto that and move the fuck on. Here we go.)

so, apparently SM went on date #2 with someone she met on OKCupid last night.

I actually don't really think I care about this. In fact, I was texting with her and was like "oooooh, who is it? what's the dish?" and actually wanted to know! I don't feel jealous, just curious.

But of course, SM freaks out at the slightest hint that there are any feelings of any sort happening anywhere around her, so she sends me this slightly panicky text about how "maybe we don't need to talk about this stuff" and should just be "honest with each other when things come up." um.....okay? I really have no idea what that means, but, I'll roll with it.

Just give me your boobs in my face. I'll be fine.

:)

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Fast Forward

and......now we skip ahead to today.

I wrote a lot between my last post and today, but...I'm not going to post those.

Things with SC didn't work out. They didn't really even start. This is sad to me. Possibly sad to her? I'm not really sure.  It's all pretty confusing.

Yeah.

So now we'll maybe try to be friends. She said she wants to be friends. I guess I also want to be friends....though it was certainly easier to just be friends when I thought that she didn't like me like that (oh, good, I'm 11) but maybe she doesn't actually. Who the fuck knows.

Basically I feel like I somehow got sucked up into a tornado of complete uncertainty but didn't actually know it until it spit me out a few weeks later and I realized that what I thought was Up was...perhaps diagonal.

so basically, I feel like a crazy person. The jury's still out. I'll let you know.

January 15, 2012--unknowns

I have such a hard time with unknowns.

My entire relationship with SC right now is an unknown.

As you might imagine, I am having a hard time with this.

I'm worried that as we spend this weekend apart she's slowly realizing she made a mistake by opening the door to us trying to date.

I'm worried that she's like "HOLY SHIT that girl is so clingy and weird, ew ew ew!"

But then I'm like, "but SHE'S the one who said she could MARRY ME and MOVE IN WITH ME."

And SHE'S the one who was just as excited as I was to make out and cuddle and actually talk about how we feel about each other.

Right???

Right.

Right?

But I feel like I need to say to her, "Are you sure? Is it okay that I like you so much? Am I going to scare you away because I like you? But, don't you like me so much too? How do we do this without freaking out??? Is it okay that I want to talk to you and ask you questions and tell you random things that I'm thinking and kiss you alot?? Is that okay??"

On the one hand I feel like maybe it's a bad sign that I feel so nervous about this. But on the other hand, it's not so much that I'm nervous in a bad way? I'm just eager. So eager to get to know her. REALLY KNOW HER. I'm so excited. She's really so brilliant and lovely. I hope she let's me tell her that. Every day.

January 13, 2012--little moments

I went to see her tonight. Just for a little bit. Ostensibly to return some stuff she'd left here, but really so that I could get in one more hug, one more kiss, now that I can (ohmygod, now I can) before she goes out of town for the weekend.

Her roommate was home.

Her roommate is never home.

Oh, the annoyance, I cannot even begin to put words to it.

So we mostly sat in the living room, her roommate between us, and watched TV.

Then I kept her company in her bedroom, with the door wide open (oh, the agony) while she packed for her trip.  It was frustrating. She's so cute. I just wanted to squeeze her. I could not.

Then we came back out and watched some more TV. We shared a few looks, some half smiles, some smirks. I noticed how pretty she is. I bet she doesn't even know.

Then, blissfully, her roommate went to pee (wow, if I had a nickel...), and we stole a few kisses and shared a long hug and it was very sweet and I was sad to leave. I just wanted to sit beside her and hold her hand. That's all. I feel like I could spend days and days just doing that with her.

:)

I'm excited and scared to see what happens next...

January 12, 2012--Doubt

So....apparently, she doesn't believe that someone (me) might be completely infatuated with her.  I now know this because she was shocked and somewhat appalled by the idea that I have talked about her at length with my two bffs here in the city. She literally said "that is insane" when I told her that I have talked so much about her with them.  I actually don't think she gets how much I like her. I don't think she knows at all.  It's kind of sad really.

So I told her that I think she's so delightful and that she completely "fucked my shit up" (LOL) so she should be proud of that. She didn't know how to take that. It just makes her more adorable to me. I just want to hug her always.

Maybe she'll let me.

January 10, 2012-- Wow.

I still can't really believe that last night happened.

SC just left my apartment. 

She spent the night.

Last night we both professed our mutual strong "like" for each other. And it was amazing and surprising and disorienting and I'm really not sure what to do now.

It's like this thing I've been wanting since October has finally happened and now I'm a little paralyzed. with fear, maybe. Like, now I'm gonna mess it up. Now what? Oh shit. Like that.

She said to me last night, with the help, I think, of a little liquid courage, the following (I paraphrase loosely): "I basically feel like I would move in with you, could be married to you, like now, but....I couldn't date you."

This was the start of the amazing, potentially world-changing conversation that led to us making out furiously, and deciding that we're gonna date, secretly, and see what happens for a little bit because we're both terrified of messing up the dynamic of our amazing group of queer friends.  We realized that one of the main things keeping us away from each other is that shared concern, which we then realized was SUPER ANNOYING and also, were we being stupid?  We confessed that there have been countless moments of shared, but privately experienced, frustration at not being together, she told me that she would find herself staring at my lips for long stretches, that she's been wanting to kiss me for soooooo long. That she would talk to me about other people she was dating to make me jealous.  All things that I wished were true but didn't dare believe might be.

She told me that it does throw her a bit how recently I left my marriage, how recently I changed my life, but also, how very, very gay I am, despite all of that.  We talked a bit about how, though I feel that the right thing, in theory, for me is to date around, be casual with several people, all I've really been doing since October is waiting for her. I literally said this to several of my friends over the past few months, and yesterday I admitted it to her. I've been waiting for her. I have.

As we were hugging and kissing and smiling sappily at each other, there was so. much. happiness. And "ohmygod"s and "ugh, i just---ah!", i.e. random exclamations of excitement and wonder at the fact that this was actually happening. Oh my god, it actually happened.

We tried to start hammering out last night the details of "what now." Do we still go on dates with other people? What do we do when one of us inevitably starts freaking out that we're actually trying this? Can we help each other avoid "u-hauling" it (something she feels she has a tendency to do)? OMG, HOW WILL WE (mostly I) KEEP IT A SECRET!?  But I think it's good to keep it a secret for a minute--I mean, we have no idea how WE are going to handle this new...thing, let alone how our friends will react, even if everything goes swimmingly. It's going to change things either way, though.

Wow.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

January 9, 2012--well. okay, then.

Soooooo....


Friday night I texted SM, asked her what her plans were that night, since I was planning to go out with my bf, and figured maybe it'd be nice to see her. We texted back and forth a bit, and ultimately made the plan for bf and I to meet up with her before heading to Henrietta Hudson to dance it up.  

So we met up, she was adorable per usual, we took some shots (which I later forgot about when I then had MANY MORE SHOTS) and headed out.

I don't remember much of what happened next (see the above mention of MANY SHOTS), other than that at some point SM and I were talking about what it is that we're doing, and I think I asked her, "so....is this...okay? what we're doing? This hanging out and having sex and what not?" And she said, "I think it's okay, if we're okay with it..." And I said, "I'm okay with it..." and then we made out.

And then....then she came back to my place, and she wanted to wear my strap-on.  (Yes, I have a strap-on. Yes, that should get its own post. I'm on it.) So I remember putting it on her, and it being really hot, and then she fucked me with it.

This was unexpected and enjoyable.

It was soooooooo hard leaving her in my bed the next morning (I had to head to NJ). But, it was also empowering, as I don't remember there ever being a time, when we were actually dating, when she begged me to stay, begged me for 5 more minutes, looked at me with as much desire in her eyes as she did that morning as I kissed her and left her.

And to all of this I say: well, alright! Game on.

(Note from the future: The experience of posting my life on this blog is so surreal right now. I'm almost caught up to my present-day life, thank god, because it's a bit of a mind fuck to be reading about my life ONLY TWO WEEKS AGO and being like "LOL, yeah and then EVERYTHING CHANGED THE NEXT DAY." It's a bizarre experience, people. So yeah, basically EVERYTHING CHANGED the day after I wrote this. But I'm not ready to post that one yet...stay tuned.)

January 4, 2012--stings

hung out with SC and my bff tonight.

I was looking forward to it, especially because I've been feeling pretty lonely all week, starved for fun human contact, etc. Also, SC texted me at 1 am last night for comfort as she was freaking out about a cis-male she's interested in.  It was rough being the one she turned to with her dating woes, since, of course, why isn't she dating me???? but also nice that she thought of/trusted me to turn to.

But then I go over. And it made me sad. She talked about this guy sooooo much, and how she's sending out tons of messages on okc now and blahblahblah. And I couldn't help but feel like shit. :( I feel like a teenager, "why don't you like meeeeeeee?" but that's how it feels.

the rejection stings.

but she clearly only thinks of us as friends now. and seems to want to be good friends. so i just need to let time heal the wound....

but it still smarts.

January 4, 2012--multiple baskets

So...I've noticed a pattern.

When I start feeling pulled back in to the orbit of any of the select few women that I would still very easily become lusty over (again), I find myself running back to okcupid to find some....distraction. (That sounds kind of terrible. But, what I really mean is, I know myself, and I know that I tend to fall for someone and then just want them, all of them, want to know everything and talk about everything, and...shocker, that freaks people out. And is also the way into a Committed Relationship, which I don't think I need right now.  So instead, I try to spread my proverbial eggs around so that I don't get too attached too quickly. This has been working thus far....ish.)

Anyway, that happened again this week, after my 2 consecutive hook-ups with SM.  She makes me feel unstable somehow, and so, I find that I've started paying more attention to my "quiver" matches on okc, and actually have 2 potential dates in the works for the next week.

All while still hoping that things with SM will continue....continuing.  If only because I love sex with her, and she has amazing breasts.

Wow. So gay. 

:)

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

December 30, 2011--return...

Note from the future: Skipping violently ahead here. I didn't write in November and December. Not quite sure why. Maybe because I was moving, and losing a job, and working a temp job, and going out alot with my friends, and trying to get a real job, and dating this girl who I won't even deign to write about, because the whole thing was ridiculous, and spending a lot of time in my apartment with my Netflix feeling sorry for myself. Yeah, that might be what I was doing. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming...)

sooooo.....

I had sex with SM again last night.  We seem to not be able to not end up in bed together, and I'm not sure what I think about this.  I think she's beautiful, and I really, really like fucking her. But, I don't think we can really date, for all the reasons that I've already talked about.  And things feel different between us now. Comfortable, yes, but....restrained somehow.  Or maybe it's just that I don't have any expectations for the relationship anymore, and am just going with the flow, which is something I don't think I ever really do, just let things happen and see where it goes. So maybe that's why it feel different.

But she seems to want to see me regularly again, she makes an effort recently, which feels nice.  Last night I was out with my bestest bff, who's in town visiting, and she asked what I was doing, and then actually followed up later and came and met us along with 2 of her friends whom I adore and have missed.  And all of this was just pleasantly surprising, as opposed to being expected in any way.  So we all hung out and it was fun, and we talked about how funny it is that we've known each other for almost a year, and she said she's happy that I'm in her life, and I said "ditto" and....then she came home with me and we had sex and it was hot and I really don't think there's much I like more than making a girl come. Loudly. Love it.

So, anyway....that's happening....ish. We'll see.

October 30, 2011--In which I am brutally rebuffed...

That’s a Clueless reference guys, get it??????

:o)

So, I’m being slightly hyperbolic, as is my tendency…I wasn’t necessarily BRUTALLY rebuffed, that remains to be seen, but rebuffed I was.

Went to a brunch today at the home of the cutie I’ve been crushing on. I went on my 3rd date with her this week, and it was good, though it took a lot of work on my part (and a few days of moping and horrible waiting) for it to happen. But, it was a good date, and then today before brunch I learned that we share a love of yet another fairly random pop culture thingy. Cute. Yay.

But then….brunch was…fucking weird.

There’s no other way to say it! We shared some looks, but for the most part I felt like she was trying to keep her distance from me. Maybe it’s because lots of people were around. Maybe it was because she wasn’t really drinking and the rest of us were. Maybe it was because she’s just not that into me.  I’m thinking it’s that last one, especially after she said some version of the following to both me and a friend of hers, later in the day:
Literally everyone who’s ever slept in my bed is a cuddler, and I really don’t like anyone else in my bed! Blegh, gross!
She didn’t actually say that last part, but might as well have. Please let the record show that I’m pretty sure that I was the last person who slept in her bed, and I did indeed cuddle with her, but she also invited me into her bed.  She also said this WHILE I WAS SITTING RIGHT THERE. So at this point, I was like, “Wow, really? Okay then.” and spent the rest of the time there closing down my hope of something with her and becoming more and more upset and depressed and feeling-bad-about-myself-y.

Good times.

K, that’s all. Bye.

October 18, 2011--soooooooo there's this girl...

(Note from the future: this post was written I think after my 2nd date with Super Cutie <--my decided upon nickname for her. We went out for the first time to drinks, and then I met up with her the next week at a Center event and we then went for sushi and wine.  It was great. Everything she said I loved. She's awkward, and smart, and funny, and nerdy, and likes a lot of the same weird shit I do and I was really really excited. And I wrote what's below, and posted it to tumblr. And it's kind of embarrassing. But it's also true. And the truth is what I'm going for with this lil' blog, gushy embarrassing posts and all, so...here you go.)

Hi you guise.

Alright, so I’m crushing really hard on this girl.  she’s ADORBZ, I kind of can’t take it. The cool thing is that she apparently thinks that I, too, am adorbz (not necessarily all caps, though—I can’t assume such things!) and we in fact have talked alot on our 2.5 dates about how cute we think the other person is.

Yay.

It’s taking every fiber of my being to not text her right now, just to tell her how cute she is.  So I’m telling you instead!! LUCKY YOU.

We went out last night, we talked, we kissed, we held hands, we had stereotypically gay conversation about our preference for carrying/not carrying a baby, she laughed at how nerdy I am, I adored how nerdy she is, we went home together and cuddled and spooned and I WANT TO GIVE HER ALL OF THE KISSES.

okay, thank you. I feel a little better now.

:o)

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Mid-October 2011--Fizzle. Spark.

so, things with YO are fizzling.

I've realized some things about her, and about how I feel about dating her, that make me think I don't so much want to date her. :\

Some of the things:
  • Her voice actually really annoys me. Like, really.
  • She talks about her girlfriend a lot.  Once, she even left me sitting alone at a bar for OVER AN HOUR while she went outside to talk to her girlfriend because she was freaking out that said girlfriend had just hooked up with someone else. (Note: we had been hooking up for at least a month already by this time.)
  • It is sooooooo hard to find time to see her. And when we do finally meet up, most of the time, especially recently, we're both super tired AND only have, like an hour together, OR we literally just fall asleep on the couch.  *sigh*
  • Last time I was with YO, at Stiletto, this girl who I met a few months ago through one of my besties (I'm still thinking of a codename for her, stay tuned) was there and...all I wanted to do was spend time with her the entire night, which I pretty much did. I've been noticing for a while now that I'm really drawn to her, and I actually told her so a few weeks ago, but that night, it was...palpable.  Most of the night I was, ostensibly, helping her to find some ladies to chat up, but then realized that I did not at all want her to be chatting anyone up, thank you very much! And eventually I was drunk/brave/stupid enough to tell her that, though I think I actually said something fairly obnoxious like "I can only wish you half-luck as you go try to get that girl's number, because, well, I would like to hook up with you." I know, I've got mad skillz.  But apparently, my skillz are adequate, because a short time later, I think before she went to try to find said girl above, she came up to me and planted one on my lips. YO was sitting, like, 10 feet away. So brazen. I loved it. She's kind of amazing...
So....yeah, I think I'm gonna stop seeing YO. Seems legit.

October 1, 2011--update

So, the only truly interesting thing that happened in the past two weeks is that things have progressed-ish with YO (the 24 year-old).

(A little backstory on YO: she has a girlfriend. Yep. She and her girlfriend are trying out an open relationship. For the first time. I am the first person that YO is dating as they try out this open relationship thing. YO is very open with me about all of this, and I am mostly okay with the situation because I think this set up will be a good way for me to keep from getting tooooo invested in being with one person too soon. Cuz I do that sometimes....And I'm also just kind of curious to see how this shakes out, and I like her, so I figure, what the hell, right?
Okay! Now you're all caught up.)

Last weekend, we made plans to meet up on Saturday night, with every intention of ending up back at my place. This plan was formed when I met up with her at my fave lez bar on margarita Tuesday, and we realized that we had both actually wished we’d met up at my place instead of out because we very much wanted to just be naked together as opposed to in Cubby making out furiously with no chance for nakedness. Sexual frustration abounded.

So, we realized we needed to fix that shit, and Saturday night plans were made. Ok.

But THEN she invites me to come meet up with her AND HER GIRLFRIEND at the birthday party she had to go to before coming to meet me on Saturday. She said that her gf would like to meet me, if I was cool with that? I luckily had too much shit to do so couldn’t meet up with them, but what if I could have???

Would I have??

But wait, WTF??

So there’s that.

Anyway, YO then leaves her gf to come meet up with and have sex with me. We lasted at the party we met at for…oh, about 10 minutes, then hopped in a cab and fell into bed. Lots of sexy times were had, and it was so great to be back between a woman’s legs again…yummy.

She wasn’t supposed to “sleep over” (one of the rules of their open relationship) but we passed out and she didn’t leave until 6. And she left behind a can of kissable whipped cream that we didn’t get around to using, but we will :) (Note from the future: We didn't.)

So, the sex was great, but there’s still so much I feel we need to TALK about, you know? And maybe that’s extremely lesbian of me, but whatever--a spades a spade. :)

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

September 15, 2011--Resolved: Lesbian radiowaves EXIST

Annnnnd, back to the back-log...

OMG you guys….I now have PROOF that lesbians can feel it in the fucking air when someone they’ve had a *thing* with, any type of thing, is shifting ever-so-slightly away from them.

The evidence is as follows:

Last night, I had date number two with a new girl from okcupid, let’s call her….YO. (short for Young One, she’s 24. I’m clearly having an issue with this. But I digress….) So I’m on date 2 with YO. it went really well, we did some incredibly hot, super long, completely PDA making out before we went our separate (sub)ways (pun!)  UNF, she’s a good kisser. It was awesome. She almost came home with me. We joked about her coming over “to see my lithographs” and for those of you who don’t get the joke (i.e. are babies :p), that’s an old joke for saying “do you wanna come over and fuck our brains out?” but it’s much more polite to ask them to come see your art collection (which you probably don’t really have). :o)

Okay, so that happened. As I’m training it home, I look down and have a random-ass text message from SM, the ex. All it says is “Hey! How’s it going?” or something equally benign.  And I laughed out loud. She has always had an uncanny ability to reach out to me when I’m blissfully moving on from her, and this is no exception. Blegh. I txted back, but didn’t say much.  She mentioned again that she’s sad she can’t make it to my birthday celebration this weekend, and I think to myself, “Meh, it’s better this way.”

Then. Today I get a COMPLETELY RANDOM AS HELL text from hot cop. Yeah, remember her? Exactly. She who completely backed away from me like I had the plague, and whom I was still trying to reach out to as of, like, last week, because I would still be totally cool with having sex with her a few (hundred) more times. Not gonna lie. But anyway, she randomly texted me today to tell me about something funny she saw at work. I was so shocked I actually asked her if she’d meant to text me, because once awhile back she had actually texted me by accident instead of her roommate. But no! She meant to text me….. oooooooh-kay.

I am baffled.

I was careful not to fill the “silence” at the end of our brief texting with my usual “so……wanna hang out?” and just let it fade away. So….yeah, that happened.

So, come on, right?? There’s some sort of lesbian 6th sense at work, at least in this city.

Note from the future: I'm REALLY curious if others of you lovely readers have had this experience. Have you? I know you have. Let's talk about it in the comments, hmmm? Share away!

Shit Queer Girls Say

This has been making the rounds on tumblr today, and I think it's pretty funny/great. I have definitely said many of these things, not gonna lie.
Nice job, trashydyke!

Monday, January 16, 2012

Can I be queer here?

My mother came to visit New York for 3 days.

She stayed in my apartment. An apartment which I can now say, without a doubt, is big enough for exactly 1 person, the person that first person is dating, and maybe 3 other friends if they all want to come hang out and are bringing booze.

My apartment is not big enough for me and my mother.

There were many frustrating things about her visit, but the one I'll talk about here is that I hid things before she arrived.  Gay things.

I hid Season 1 of the L Word that I'm borrowing from a friend. I hid my copy of The Ethical Slut that I was given by a girl I dated for awhile and keep in the bathroom for light reading. I hid my "Can I be queer here?" bumper sticker that I keep pinned up on my bulletin board.  I hid my rainbow wrist band that I bought and wore proudly at my first Pride last summer.

I feel really sad that I hid things.  I shouldn't have to hide things.  Would she have even noticed? It's hard to say, really, since the rule in my family is "Don't say it," if the "it" in question might make anyone uncomfortable in the least. So, if she had seen my queer bumper sticker, she wouldn't have asked about it.  Wondered? Maybe. Asked? No.

Which probably would have hurt even more than whatever will actually happen when I come out to them.

Whenever that is...

August 22, 2011--stuff...(or, I have mommy issues)


I’m starting to really feel how not telling my parents that I’m gay is changing my relationship with them.  Even though I don’t really like talking to them much anyway, as they make me feel bad/sad/mad almost every time, and have no idea that they have this effect on me, and I feel unseen and invisible and used by them, still in the past I would call more and tell them more of what I was up to than I do now.  But, since I left my ex and am dating women and am much more active socially, I don’t really want to nor do I have time to talk to my parents! I mean, why?? I’m almost fucking 30.  Add to this that my mother now thinks that she needs to keep tabs on me, which she clearly was only not doing for the past almost 10 years because she thought my HUSBAND WAS DOING IT, and it’s really no wonder that I don’t really want to call them.  And yet, my mom texts me EVERY DAY and often asks me if I’m “home yet”. Even on Friday/Saturday nights. Um, no, mother, I am not sitting at home alone on a weekend night. I would hope that she would not want/expect me to be doing that. She clearly does, though.


So there’s that frustration happening.  I so enjoy being more separate from them, especially after spending most of my life being their sweet, good girl, but I also feel so much guilt about it—a hold over from doing what they wanted me to do for most of my life. Uuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

In happier news, I’ve had 3 dates with E. now, and she’s really pretty great.  I’ve kissed her once, after our 2nd date, in my car as I drove her home. It was very nice…sweet.  Yesterday I had brunch with her, and got out of the car to give her a proper hug, and then realized that, apparently, 2 girls having a long hug on the side of the road in [insert apparently conservative area of Brooklyn here] attracts a lot of attention. Huh. So I didn’t kiss her. And am sad about that.

We have a ridiculous amount in common, from favorite foods to favorite artists to hobbies to talents to ideal travel destinations to WHERE WE WANT TO/HAVE GOTTEN MARRIED. She even wants to go to Disney World WITHOUT ANY KIDS. I have been wanting to do this for years, and precious few people share this desire. She does. It’s pretty cool.

So I like her a lot, but we’re taking it slow, which I think is a sign that something real could actually happen.
We’ll see…

(Note from the future: Yeaaaaaaaaah, not so much. I never saw her again, actually, though we tried for at least the next month to meet up. But during that month she was obsessed with her job, cancelled on me at least 3 times, and then missed my birthday celebration.  Then, apparently, she (re)met the love of her life, and is blissfully happy now. So, good on that.)

Sunday, January 15, 2012

January 10, 2011--out...ish...

oops.

(Note from the future: Double oops actually. I just found this post published in some weird place where probably nobody saw it. But I like this one, so I'm giving it a bump out of weird-timestamp-obscurity. I also wrote this back when I thought refusing to use capitalization made me seem more tortured and interesting. Oy.)

i kind of came out as gay, or at least queer, on facebook today.

i've started reading yet another book on lesbianism, Women Loving Women: Appreciating and Exploring the Beauty of Erotic Female Encounters by jamye waxman, and there was a great quote from janis joplin: "“Don’t compromise yourself. You are all you’ve got.”

it really spoke to me, so i wanted to share it using kindle's "share" feature. so i shared it.

what i had forgotten was that when it posts to fb, it first shows in nice bold lettering the book that the quote is from, as well as the cover. so, there it was, for all my fb world to see--i am reading a book about erotic lesbian love.

huh.

i immediately felt really flushed and hot and kind of mortified when i realized this. but then...

i left it up.

who the fuck cares if everyone knows what i'm reading?? i'm exploring, i'm currently in love with a woman i can't have, and i don't care who knows it!! (well, that's not entirely accurate, but that's my goal, anyway...)

no one has said a word about the post, by the way. interesting, no??

August 15, 2011-Saturday night=amaze-balls

Saturday night was so super fun, you guiiiiiisssseeeeeee! :o)

Friday night I got back from the beach (Fire Island, what what?) which was a bit of a bust because apparently only partnered-up lesbians and their small dogs, and many many gay men and their small dogs, are in Cherry Grove during the week, meh. But! The weather was gorgeous, so that made up for the lack of potential ladies to hook up with.

Anyway, then Saturday night I had a date with E., who I’d talked to on okcupid months ago, but had never met up with because SM was already in the picture and I was smitten with her.

But we finally got together on Saturday, met at Cubbyhole, and had a great time from the start. We jumped right in, talking about everything from handbags to vajay-jay grooming preferences, and it felt comfortable and fun.  We also randomly met one of my tumblr friends, who I've been talking to on tumblr but hadn't met before, who happened to be standing at the bar beside me, and we ended up going out dancing with her and her friend at Henrietta Hudson. Amazing that that happened. I love it.

Soooo, the down side to all of this is that I was feeling too shy to make a move on E., even though I wanted to make out with her, but didn’t want to seem like a total hound dog. So I didn’t. Then regretted it, and have been ridiculously horny for the past 2 days. Grrrrrrr, so annoying!

To remedy this, I asked her out to dinner tonight, so hopefully there’ll be some nice making out to cap the evening off, if all goes well!

Wish me luck lovelies!

August 8, 2011--Meh. (also, I am dumb.)

……so remember how a while ago I was like “I’M GONNA TELL MY EX TO FUCK OFF!” ?

Remember that? And my melodramatic “letter” to her? And how I was gonna tell her I was done a few weeks ago?

Welllllllll…..

I didn’t. I saw her a few more times. And she yanked my heart around a little bit more. And she made ZERO EFFORT to spend time with me this weekend. And she hurt me and made me feel like a fool for starting to trust her again. And now. I. am. DONE.

I will not be texting her, chatting her, playing Words with Friends with her. (okay, that last one seems a little weird, but I swear it matters.)

DONE. DONE. DONE.

I deserve someone who makes me feel special and worthy of their time. I wish I could stop forgetting that…

(Note from the future: Shortly after blogging this, I did actually send her a "dear confusing ex-girlfriend" e-mail, but it was longer, and more specific, and really level-headed and respectful, both to her and to myself, I think. And she responded pretty quickly, and said, basically, "you're absolutely right, I'm still not sure what I want and that's resulting in me being completely ridiculous to you, so I understand if you need to back away from me. I'm sad, but I get it." So that happened.)

August 5, 2011--freaking out


Okay, so I’m freaking out…

I took a risk and texted HC even though it’s kind of “her turn” to text me and I’ve been trying to just be chill and patient and wait for her to want to hang out. However, I am in no way a chill or patient person, so that lasted about 32 hours. But that’s actually really good for me!

So, anyway, I’m going out tonight, to what I think is going to be an awesome, sexy lesbian party, and I would very much like for HC  to join me.  So, after spending all day thinking about how much I want to see her, I texted her about 20 minutes ago a very nonchalant, “Hey lady, whatcha doin’ tonight?” Totally low-key right?
I hope so…

but now, every time my phone buzzes my heart shoots into my throat and my blood pressure spikes— “omg, is it her?? is it her??”

and then it’s my mother.

This is gonna be a looooooooong day….

Friday, January 13, 2012

July 27, 2011--Dear confusing ex-girlfriend

I can’t do this with you. You want me when you can’t have me. You broke up with me as I was falling for you, and fell for me after breaking my heart. I never know, on any given day, if I’ll be worth your time. When I am, it’s so wonderful. You’re sexy, and cute, and I love being with you--when you want to be with me. But then, you’re too busy, or too tired, or can’t be bothered, or SOMETHING, even the day after you tell me it kills you to hear that I might move on. But I have to move on. I never know if you’re in or out. So I can’t be in. And I’m going to tell you tomorrow.

(Note from the future: I didn't. :/ )

July 26, 2011--Somebody tell me to STOP IT.

So, Swiss Miss, who, if you’ve been following along, was the first woman I seriously dated, dumped me after 2 months because she felt like “I liked her too much,” then has proceeded since that time to flirt with me and hook up with me and talk about marriage and babies and introducing me to her mother with me, and who has blatantly said that she doesn’t like me dating other people, even though we’re not officially dating, and who I haven’t seen in a week, and who just got back into the city today, CANNOT HANG OUT TONIGHT BECAUSE SHE ALREADY MADE PLANS WITH HER HYSTERICAL, ANNOYING-AS-HELL, “BEST FRIEND” WHO IS SUPER ANNOYING.

In addition to this, all weekend she was almost completely AWOL, not texting back and forth like usual, apparently because she was at her mom’s and her mom “goes crazy” if she texts around her.  Um…you’re a grown ass woman? Whatever.

So then *I* ask her if she wants to go out tonight, and she’s blowing me off.

And I am PISSED AS HELL.

I should’ve known better! She sucks me in, and then, as I start to open myself up to her again, WHAM, she backs away and I feel like an idiot.

WHAT THE FUCK!? Screw this, I’m just gonna focus on hot cop and call it a god-damned day.

Right? That’s what I should do. Right!!????

Thursday, January 12, 2012

July 21, 2011--Confused...girls are weird.

Alright….so……

I ended up seeing hot cop on Tuesday night. She texted me and was like “wanna come to a cigar bar with me?” and I’m like, “um, yes please?” So I take a ridiculously expensive cab ride into the city and meet her.

And she’s tall and gorgeous and I feel lame and nerdy.  But she buys me a cigar, and shows me how to smoke it, and I’m embarrassingly bad at it, but we stand close together and talk and laugh, and then we get outta there pretty soon after I arrive.  We hop in her convertible and tool around a bit, puffing our cigars and talking about times we’ve been too drunk. Funny stuff.

We ultimately end up at B Bar, which is pretty empty. We sit outside, order drinks and nibbles, and talk for a few hours. We were up until, like, 2 am.  We talked about so much—she told me more about her work, I told her about mine, I told her about my family dynamics, she talked about her sister, and about how her dad reacted to her coming out.  She said that she was enjoying “talking to me when she was sober” and I told her I did too. We talked about tattoos, about places we should go together, but I was definitely holding back, trying to keep sexual tension down, trying to see her as a friend and not someone I wanted to take to bed immediately, and it was fine, but sad that it didn’t feel as hot.

So then we drive home, and she calls me sweetie and kisses me goodnight. More light pecks this time, but still, she kissed me. Why?? I feel like I want her so bad, and she seems to want me too, but we’re just friends? Really? So that night ends with me confused about what’s happening with her, and wondering, should I make it more plan that I want to date her? Though, if I’m being honest, she already knows.

Okay, so then, Wednesday (last) night, I see Swiss Miss, my ex-- but possibly future- girlfriend.  We talked about how she needs to make sure that we take things slow, but that she doesn’t like hearing that I’m seeing  someone else (hot cop), but also doesn’t want to get so serious about us being exclusive.  I told her that I wasn’t gonna stop dating other people right now, and that I do like hot cop, but that the timing is wrong and so nothing’s really happening, but…who knows. And she took that, and we promised to be honest about seeing other people. Ok.

But then, there was a lot of “well, when we have our gay marriage…” and “my friend thinks I’m in love with you…” and “I asked my mom if she’d be okay with you coming to our house….” and “I’ve been looking up fun stuff for us to do…” And I’m kind of just amused by it all, you know? I mean, what’s going on? She pushed me to date other people, broke up with me, and now is a “smitten kitten” as one of her friends said, but…I don’t know how I feel about her now? I guess I’m feeling like I can’t trust it too much, but she knows that this time around, she can’t jerk me around. But now, am I jerking her around?? I feel like I’m not letting myself fall for her again, I think I’m scared to…

So….yeah. Girls are weird.

July 19, 2011--hot cop makes an appearance

omg, hot cop just texted me asking if I could come meet her for coffee, b/c she happens to be near my office right now….

I can’t go, but there are many amazing things about this.

1) she thought of me in the midst of her work day
2) she remembers where I work
3) she was okay with letting me know that she thought of me and wanted to see me
4) she wants to see me

all i can say to this is:


July 18, 2011--blech

today buh-lows. Why, you ask?

i went on to facebook this morning to see that my ex-husband is now “in a relationship.” In theory this is all well and good, and I knew he was dating someone, but…wtf?! It’s been like, 4 months. Annnnnd she has a horse face, I’m just saying. But worse than that, my best friend in the world commented on this status change immediately, like she was happy about it, and so I cried. By 9:20 this morning I was crying at my desk. Good times.

Now, please note, I do NOT want to be with my ex. 1) he has a penis. 2) he is an asshole. 3) i am gay. But still, you know? Ouch. I am most definitely not in a relationship, though my prospects may be good, they are still. just. prospects.

AND my #1 fuck buddy just cancelled on me because she has to work.

AND my afore-mentioned best friend just blasted me via email for scheduling to get my tattoo in the middle of our planned hang out day.

AND I’m about to be done with this job and don’t have anything lined up.

AND I spend money like I have money. Which I do not.

So, yeah….today blows.

July 15, 2011--Options? Options...

Erm…..

So, shit’s a little weird right now?

Alright, so the night after hot cop told me that she likes me but needs to just “hang out”, I then hung out with Swiss Miss, whom, if you recall, I dated for 2 months awhile back, and then she dumped me.

Anyway, I met up with her, we went to a bar, talked, flirted, and she basically told me that she’s still in to me and maybe the timing was just weird before (I was still very newly gay) and she really likes spending time with me and so maybe we just shouldn’t analyze it too much and should just see what happens, right?

And I was like, “well, I still like you too, and you’re hot.”

So…we went back to my place and had amazing sex.

Good times.

THE NEXT DAY, hot cop texts me randomly to say “how are you?” She NEVER has done that before. It’s like she could feel a shift in the lesbians-I’ve-fucked energy field or something and knew that she had lost some ground. So weird. (And, more on this later.)

Anyway, so hot cop and I then text and flirt a little for like an hour. Very cute. I learn more things about her that confirm that she is my perfect woman (other than that I think she’s too awesome for me). Then…radio silence. :( I texted her cutely as I was waiting for the HP premiere last night (we had talked about it earlier) and I never heard back.

I am trying REALLY hard to not read into this or think I did something wrong or spiral into a deep depression. I really am…

July 13, 2011--Timing is a fucking bitch


Alright, so….it is now confirmed that Hot Cop also thinks I’m hot (yay) BUT….

she just got completely fucked over by her (clearly insane and stupid) ex, like 2 weeks ago, and hasn’t dealt with how she feels about that yet, so…she wants to just hang out.

:(

Now, to be fair, in my experience thus far, when a hot girl I’ve already fucked says she just wants to “hang out,” we end up having much more sex then we did BEFORE we were just “hanging out” so…

fingers crossed! :p

But still…. le sigh.

July 11, 2011--waiting game

So…this weekend was amazing. I went out with, then hooked up with, hot cop.

It was incredible, and she’s incredible, and I’m still pinching myself that she wants anything to do with me.

And I’m trying really hard to let it ride, and be casual and not become completely smitten with her (too late) which means that if I text her, I need to just LET. IT. GO. and not obsessively check my phone every 5 seconds and then wonder why I was so stupid and texted her when clearly it just annoyed her, gaaaaaaaaah!

There’s always a flip side to meeting someone amazing. You also then become terrified that they don’t think you’re amazing, too.

*sigh*

July 7, 2011--soooooooo impatient

Gah!!

I am sooooooooooooo impatient and paranoid :(

I finally summoned up the courage, LATE last night, to text Hot Cop to tell her I had a great time and to thank her (again) for dinner. Seeing as she most definitely should have been asleep by the time I texted, I’m hoping she didn’t see it till this morning and is just too busy (she has a mad hectic, completely unpredictable job) to respond right now, and wasn’t pissed off that some crazy chick texted her at 12:15 am. :/

But now, I just HAVE. TO. WAIT.

I’d rather have to go spend a whole day with my high school nemesis than have to wait through how ever long it’ll be before I hear from her.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!

Liking people is hard, yeah?

July 5, 2011--hot cop

omg you guys….

I need to share this with someone, and you, loving  tumblr  New Lesbian followers, are the only ones I think will really understand.

I just had a date with the hottest, coolest girl I have ever met. AND SHE LIKES ME.

She drove me home and kissed me goodnight, for a looooooooong time. :o) Even though she told me when we met at Pride that she wasn’t interested in anything, b/c she just got out of something….

And the whole night I was like, "this is not a date, though, really, right? Right?? RIGHT?" (in my head, though, you guys.)

And I held back all night, but she leaned in…

And it was ah-mazing.

I literally danced around in my room for 5 minutes when I got inside.

Like this:


And this:

O. M. G.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

June 2011--Baby's first Pride

NYC Pride.

I personally think of Pride as an opportunity for all queer people, regardless of how they identify, to take to the streets of NYC, or whatever city they're in, and declare their pride at being whoever they fucking are, regardless of who they prefer to fuck. It's a beautiful thing. It was a beautiful weekend.

I was fortunate enough, at the end of June 2011, to participate in my first Pride, just as I began to fully come into my own as a queer person, and just as NY State passed marriage equality for all people, regardless of sexual orientation, on June 24, 2011.  It was an exciting, thrilling time.

I celebrated at and around The Stonewall Inn on the night of June 24, feeling overjoyed that the state that I newly called home had finally done the right thing.  I saw so many beautiful, shining, happy faces that night on the streets of New York City, and it was surprisingly very affirming for me (though I didn't know I was missing, and needing, the affirmation) to know that, in this new chapter of my life that I was just beginning, I would still have the option to marry another person--a woman--if I choose to, sometime down the line.

That night is one of my favorite memories, and probably always will be.

I was also lucky enough to have found, by the time Pride rolled around, some amazing queer friends to experience the weekend with.  I participated in the Dyke March, I (almost) made it to the Pride March (there was too much margarita drinking to be done that day), and experienced the Stiletto Pride Party as a VIP pass holder.

I cannot overstate what a good decision it is, my lovelies, to purchase a VIP pass to the Stiletto Pride Party.

Purchase a VIP pass to the Stiletto Pride Party.

That party was off. the. fucking. hook.

Now, Maggie C's Stiletto party in general really deserves a post of its own, but for now I'll just say that the most gorgeous lesbians you will see in NYC are usually at Stiletto, even on a slow night, so just imagine, if you will, the kinds of women that were found in the VIP room of the Stiletto Pride Party.

Omg. O.M.G.

It was amazing. It was perfect. It was an open bar.

Of course, seeing as this party was THE place to BE SEEN, 10.0 was there, along with her cadre of beautiful power lesbians.  Meh. This part was not so fun.

But once she left? Good times.

Near the end of Stiletto Pride, I met one of the sexiest women I have ever met.  We'll call her "Hot Cop" because, well...she's super hot. And she's a cop. (My creative juices are really flowing today. Be jealous.)

We actually started talking because I was trying to find someone for my friend, but then I realized that, well, she was amazingly hot and I wanted a piece of that, please and thank you. Besides, my friend wasn't interested so.....

Cut to: HC and I dancing and making out furiously for at least an hour. I get her number, tell her I will be calling her, and she leaves because she has to go do her super bad-ass cop job the next morning. I left that party with swollen lips and in complete awe.

It was a great first Pride.


Monday, January 9, 2012

June 15, 2011--Holy shitballs

the following things happened to me last night:

  • I won a $100 bar tab at my favorite lesbian bar in the village
  • I only paid for ONE drink the entire night, and had, um…WAY more than 1 drink
  • Met up with Swiss Miss, who I dated for 2 months, and who, about a month ago, told me we should “just be friends”
  • Met “Sarah”, who’s in a band
  • Made out with “Sarah”. In front of SM.
  • Got hit on by many, many women
  • was THIS CLOSE to having a 3-way with SM and “Sarah”
  • pretty much made plans to have a 3-way with SM and “Sarah” at a later date
  • Went home with SM and fucked her. A lot.
yeah…being gay is fucking awesome.

June 9, 2011--Rite of Passage

Just told my first health care professional that I only sleep with girls. I feel much gayer now. :)

Friday, January 6, 2012

a shift...to tumblr...for a bit

k, so....at this point in the story (May 2011), I stopped blogging.

*womp womp*

by that point I'd hidden my old blog from everyone, so I wasn't getting the release I apparently needed of sending my ridiculous life out into the ether and away from me, so that I could keep going. So I just stopped.

But then. Then I discovered tumblr. And at first I did not understand tumblr. But then I did understand tumblr. Here's how I would explain tumblr if anyone were to ask me:
Tumblr is a place where you can be super gay and/or queer and/or lesbian and/or whatever you want and you can also fan-girl over anything you want and nobody is going to judge you for any of that, and in fact they will think you are awesome because of those very things! Tumblr=safe haven.
So I started a tumblr. And it was where I really started to be able to say, "out loud" as it were, OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I AM REALLY REALLY GAY! And it was good.

I will not share my tumblr name on this blog, but I did some digging, and I did actually write a bit on my tumblr here and there about my dating escapades, so...you're in luck! 

So basically, all of this is to say that the next batch of posts, until we catch up to January, are pieced together from my recollection, and from my tumbl-ing.

May 22, 2011--hot tears

(Note from the future: So it's funny....I've been talking with a friend lately about dating, and she's been saying how hard and not fun it is and I've been saying how great and fun and exciting it can be, and often is...and then I read this. I think she's right. And I am delusional.)

this weekend was SM's birthday. spent saturday with her and her friends, did some day-drinking, then went to a bar and a club that night. it was pretty fun, s. was fairly drunk, so was also very touchy-feely and complementary--that is, after earlier in the night she told me that she had to stop being so "couple-ey" in front of her friends because she "didn't want to make them uncomfortable." huh. but much of that night after that we were very touchy, she was very nice to me, seemed attracted to me...but we didn't have sex. we did make out in a cab. but no sex. (this sounds like i'm some sort of horn-dog, but the point is that we always have sex, so the fact that we didn't is notable, you know?)

then today we were both pretty tired, i cuddled with her this morning and she didn't respond, didn't turn to kiss me, didn't move in when i moved toward her...i felt rejected, and confused. then we went and had brunch, then went to a movie...our conversation at brunch was a little awkward when i kind of mentioned that she's much more ok with pda when she's drunk, and other wise seems pretty hands off, and when she said that i seem "too casual" about the whole starting-to-date-women thing. i mentioned that i had definitely noticed that she basically sat on the opposite side of the room from me for some of the night last night, and she tried to explain her concern about "not making other people uncomfortable." i did not explain that all that sounds like/feels like to me is rejection. and that it stings. there were times today when we were waiting for subways etc., and she stood apart from me, and i felt really bad...like i kind of wanted to cry, like "do you not like me? why don't you reach for my hand? i feel like i can't b/c maybe you're feeling self-conscious, but i always want to hold your hand, why don't you want to hold mine??" these are the things I was thinking as we walked to the movie theater, walked home from the movie theater, sat in the movie theater. there were some nice moments sprinkled in, but...there was also a lot of doubt. she said she was tired but...i was tired too. i still wanted to caress her and kiss her and make love to her. she.....didn't.

when we got back from the movie, around 8, I unceremoniously gathered my stuff together, didn't even sit down, and said, "ok, i guess i'll go then." i waited. she said "oh, you're gonna go?" as she sits down at her computer with her phone in her hand. "well, yeah, i think i should..." "..." she says ok, stands up to give me a hug goodbye. i hug her back, starting to feel flushed, a sign that something's feeling....bad. i say happy birthday again, and goodbye, and she makes no move to show me she wants me to stay, and i gather my things and i leave and i don't look back as i do. "i'll call you later" she says. "ok!" i chipper-ly reply as i continue down the stairs and away from her.

as i leave her place, i feel angry. really mad. and, as happens when i'm feeling mad/bad about myself, the hot tears started to come. i tried to shake them away. but i felt horrible as i left there. like i wasn't sure of my place, and i need to know. she thanked me several times for being "so lovely" to her this weekend, and i was, i tried really hard to be, but then i felt like crying as i left her apartment? what the fuck is that?? what's happening? i feel like i'm chasing her. how do i keep chasing people? why do i think that the best i can get is to chase after someone, waiting for them to call all the shots? i feel like i'm at her mercy, and sometimes she doesn't want me, and i just hang around waiting, while always wanting her. why do i do this? and why does she, when drunk, say how beautiful i am, and want to touch me and kiss me and be with me? and sober, we might as well have just met yesterday, rather than be two women who have licked and sucked and kissed the most private of places?

i feel....mad. i.e. hurt.

now what?

(Note from the future: Now what is that she dumped me. But only, of course, after I asked her for several days what was up with her, since something was obviously up. She told me that I seemed more into her than she was into me [false], and that she was worried that I hadn't dated enough really [perhaps], and that she really liked me and thought I was amazing and was therefore really confused by the fact that she wasn't able to commit to dating me the way that she "should" without jerking me around so much. But she still really wanted to be friends and hang out, because she likes me so much. Um.....right. So then I didn't talk to her for awhile. But then some other stuff happened? Read on....)

May 2, 2011--girl trouble

so.....i've been dating someone, let's call her Swiss Miss (SM), for a little over a month. she's the first woman I've had sex with,  i'm completely smitten with her, and therefore am feeling emotional and vulnerable and scared and completely insane like i don't know what i'm doing with myself. awesome. this is, i think, what happens when you enter the dating world for the first time at 29, and as you "switch teams." confusing, to say the least.

so, she has been very flirty and open with how much she likes me. she has sent me random texts about how much she loves waking up naked next to me. how she was fantasizing about going down on me in an empty movie theater. how the more she thinks about it, the more she "realizes how beautiful i am." i return her sentiments, and we've both marveled at how addicting it is, kissing each other. nice...

but then, last week, she applied the brakes. and hard. we met up for a concert that she'd invited me to on our 2nd date, 3 weeks earlier. the concert happened to fall on our "1 month anniversary" which we both noticed, of course. as about 90% of our dates up to that point had ended in us spending the night together at her place, i, without even thinking, packed an overnight bag that i told her i'd have to pick up from my office before we went to her place. she sheepishly tells me that she "doesn't think we should have a sleepover tonight" because she's really stressed with finals and didn't have time to clean her place and is just feeling gross and...i stopped listening at that point, trying to hide my surprise, my disappointment, my shame, my hurt. but i didn't hide it well. she reassured me that it wasn't me, it's just that she's so stressed and busy, and we'll definitely do something this weekend, maybe friday? ok, i say, and proceed to snuggle her to within an inch of her life for the rest of the night. we held hands, we kissed, i accidentally called her "honey." oops.

wednesday night i ask her, fairly casually, expecting a 'yes' like a fool, if we're gonna do something friday. she says no, actually, her friend v. feels like s has been neglecting her so she couldn't say no to her invitation to go to a "happy hour event", but, let's definitely do something next week? i tried really hard to be nonchalant and breezy. it did not work. she again reassures me that she likes me and wants to see me and blah blah blah, and i say okay, though what i'm really thinking is "if you really wanted to see me that bad, then you would see me." i know for a fact that v. has said she wants to meet me. so....what's that about?

anyway, i then proceed to fill my weekend with nights out with my various gays. i had a great time. and she always wanted to know what i was doing...even said she was jealous that i was going out to fun spots without her. she asked if i "met any girls" then says she's "just curious" when i ask her if that's what she really wants to know. this pissed me off, and i ended up telling her that i felt like she was testing me or something, and waiting for me to hook up with someone else. *sigh* i don't know if i should have said that. but i needed to! there's clearly something going on, right?? but she of course says she's not testing me...and this was all via text message, so what the fuck do i know. uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

so when i think back to pre-last week, there's no doubt in my mind that something great was happening. but if i look at the past week, all signs are pointing both to "she's just not that into you" and to "she's just busy, and doesn't want to rush things." seeing as my only experience with "dating" was with someone who lived about a 30 second walk from me and who I saw every fucking day for the first 3 months of our relationship, and then fucking married, i clearly don't know if this slow-play is normal, or if i'm being slowly rejected and am missing the signals. also, she's a girl! is this how girls date? i don't know! i don't fucking know! all i know is that i want to get my face between her legs again, and...well, that bar seems to be closed.

this is bullshit. dating sucks.

March 21 2011--documenting...

i realized i haven't written down what's been going on with c. so......

i've seen her 2 more times now, once on st. patrick's day, and again on saturday. when i saw her on thursday, it was really weird. i'd had a hard day already, and had then been drinking with a friend since 6, went on a wild goose chase in search of a lesbo dance party, and didn't meet up with her until 11. so i was tired, dressed in my mormon work skirt, not feeling cute at. all. and then, as we were talking, it was clear that something was different. she was being more distant, she was smirking at me as i was "making eyes" at her, being clear about my attraction to her, and said things like "ha, you want to make out with me, don't you?" and making it clear that just because we had before did not mean we would again.

huh.

she got annoyed that i was confused by her mixed signals, and then proceeded to tell me about how she's in love with her best friend from home. she clearly knew this was confusing and irritating to me, as she often said things like "you must hate me right now, you're so annoyed with me right now." well, yeah! what the fuck, right? ugh, go figure. so with all of this weirdness, there was still a little making out, initiated by her, but then she was saying vaguely critical things to me about my "smirk" and how i was being too "defensive." i really don't know what she was talking about when she was saying these things, but it was very clear that i was irritating her, and i didn't hide the fact that she was irritating me. so then she abruptly wants to go outside for a smoke, i follow, we talk, we bicker, and as i'm gearing up to figure out how to get to the PATH train, she says, "okay, let's go home."

"Wahuh??" I say.

"Well, you have to be at work early, right? so you should come to my place, it's closer than jersey." (Note: I was living in Jersey at this point. so sad.)

ooooooookay. so we cab it up to her apt., me leaning on her shoulder in the cab, looking at pictures of her dog and her family on her phone, me asking about her work, her leaning her head on mine. it was a nice moment...then we're out of the cab and it's weird again. we get to her place, she finds me pajama pants, we talk about her sick grandmother and how sad she is about it, i complain about having to go work the next morning, she says, and I quote, "you're so whiny, i don't care." i'm baffled, as i have only ever listened to her talk about herself and i can count on 1 hand how many questions she's had about me, i climb into the bed, she decides to order food, i fall asleep, and when i wake up in the morning, she's sleeping on the pull out bed in the living room.

yeah.

what the fuck.

so then it was awkward as we both wake up and i ask her random-ass questions as i try to reconnect with her. she mumbles and grunts and groans and tells me she slept in the living room because she was "on the phone" (with her ex, i think) and didn't want to disturb me. fine, whatever. so i get my self together, say goodbye (actually, "see you later...maybe.") and leave. and then i was bewildered the entire day as i tried to figure out what the fuck just happened. later that day, i texted her the following:
"Hey-so yesterday was kinda weird, i was in a weird mood, we clearly sort of annoy each other and you're mad confusing to me, BUT...I still think you're cool and fun to hang with and I'd like to get to know you, NO EXPECTATIONS, so...there you go. :)"

she immediately texted back: "Exactly my thoughts."

huh. i did not see that coming.

so then...after a bit of flirty txting, we ended up meeting up on saturday night...

annnnnnnnnnnnnnnd I never finished writing down whatever happened next. I have no clue. But I can guarantee that it was weird and awkward and probably dumb and I didn't see her again after that. Blegh. And so I entered the lesbian dating world, my friends! Here we go....

Thursday, January 5, 2012

March 20, 2011--oy

today was rough. this week was rough, actually. and...i think hubby found this blog. as we angrily talked on the phone tonight, he mentioned something about me "wanting women to suck on my breasts." um........pretty specific to be coincidental, yes? so i'm freaking out a bit about that...i wonder if he somehow searched for a block of text from one of the blog posts i shared with him and found it. uuuuuuuuuuuugh, not good. i don't think it'll be good for anyone if he reads everything i've written here. it's not for his eyes. *i* can barely stand to read what i've written sometimes.

(Note from the future: He did find it. It was a shit show. You have no idea.)

i also saw s and s this week, who've been close friends of me and hubby for a long time. they're now caught in the middle as we separate and it was hard seeing them, especially after they spent several hours at my house without me (first time this has happened). as i drove to their house, past my own, for a visit, i felt the loss acutely. everything is changing, the life i thought i had and would have is fading away, and there's a lot of sadness left behind. yet i realized today talking with s and s that maybe i've come off as not-so-sad, but more excited about my new interest in women. like it wasn't a big deal to me that my marriage was falling apart, i was just excited about vaginas. which makes sense, i guess, since it's been much easier to talk and write about my lesbian leanings lately than about the pain of my marriage crumbling, the loneliness, the self-doubt, the fear, the confusion. but all of those things are there, powerfully ever-present. it makes me feel sad that maybe i've come across as cold and uncaring, when in fact i'm completely losing it inside.

(Note from the future: Another hard one for me to post....but, hey, guess what? We're getting ever closer to present day me! It really does get less bleak....ish)

March 16, 2011--worried, waiting.

uuuuuuuuuuuuugh, i'm trying to take many deep, calming breaths. I'm in an anxious state of waiting right now, and it suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks. How impatient I am is really inconvenient, since you can't make people do what you want, or even not what you want, when you want it to happen. I always want to know now, and that's really not reasonable. I know that. And yet....

so here are the things i'm waiting for: i bit the bullet and texted c., telling her that i plan to go grab a drink tonight after a late night tonight at work, and would she like to join me? i texted her at 12, haven't heard back from her yet, and am therefore slowly and silently becoming extremely nervous that, yet again, i have busted through some invisible line from being cute and nice to be around to being obnoxious and impinging. silence is the worst thing for me. i can't handle it!! what is that about?? probably my parents and how i was raised. isn't everything? ugh.

the second thing is that after several days of pretty much avoiding each other like the plague since i flat-out asked 10.0 what was up, she actually came to my office a few minutes ago and said that she could come "catch up" with me later today. i said okay, and so we're going to talk at 3:30. i have no idea what's going to happen, and i hate it very much. my stomach is in knots and it's taking so much effort to get anything done. (and clearly i'm doing a good job, since i'm blogging, not working.)

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

(Note from the future: She didn't come "catch up." Shocking, no? No.)

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

March 15, 2011--needy

uck. i think i'm actually much needier than i like to admit. this is unfortunate and embarassing. uck.

i did really well today and didn't text c. at all until around 10:30 tonight. i thought about her, replayed in my mind some of the steamy moments we shared, got turned on fantasizing about her, but i didn't reach out to her. master of my domain, and all that.

but then, after a nice, stabilizing talk with my bf, who reminded me that anyone who i have any business dating/fooling around with will not actually be freaked out or overwhelmed by me being me, as not-at-all-subtle as i am, i decided to text her, just to let her know i was thinking of her. so i did. i asked her about her night last night, which she had invited me to join her in. i turned her down b/c i wasn't at home, i was still at my house with hubby for one last night of company before the shock of really being apart, so of course i couldn't go out with her. i couldn't have anyway, b/c i was working, but still...so anyway, thrilling that she'd wanted me to come, sad that i couldn't. but then, when i asked about it tonight, all she said was that it was "drunken. very drunken." i replied "ha! nice" and didn't hear anything back. that was it. very different from yesterday.

and so, i'm now horribly doubting and second-guessing myself and realizing that apparently i really do need constant affirmation and soothing and reassurance that i'm not horrible! even from someone i just met who i've only interacted with one time! boooooooo! that's so annoying! i feel embarassed of myself. ugh, i need to just go hide in a hole. somebody please just keep sending down bottles of wine, and i'll be fine.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

March 14, 2011---denouement

so much has happened, again, in the past few days, and i don't have time/energy right now to write about it all, but i feel like i need to get a list down, or something, to document this craziness. so here's a list, and i will expound later:
  • friday night i met up with one of my really good friends from college, n., and we talked and had dinner and then went to a gay bar together, where we met up with a new gay friend i met on the subway a few weeks ago (random, i know, but it really wasn't sketchy like it sounds) and had a blast and watched a drag queen perform and drank and danced. so fun.
  • during that fun time, i was hit on by a weird girl who followed me around for awhile but who i was not interested in in the least and then.....then i met c. c and i danced together first, if i remember correctly, as i was shaking my ass around with my hands in the air and all of a sudden there she was, grinding behind me. it felt great, so we kept dancing, then eventually i turned around and introduced myself and we shook hands. classy. but then she bought me a drink, i actually worried about if she would come back when she left to go get them, we talked, we laughed, we flirted, we made out, we left the bar together, talked each other down from going home together, held hands while we walked around the city, and eventually ended up in a downstairs alley making out furiously. and by furiously i mean my skirt was above my waist and my exposed breasts were in her mouth. yeah. first lesbian experience, for the win! it was awesome. and the reason why i like her actually has little to do with the sexual charge that's undeniably there. she's also funny, cute, dorky, silly, used the word "embouchure" in conversation with me and i knew what she was talking about, and quoted "The Sandlot" one of my favorite movies, completely unprovoked. these things and many more make me want to see her again. she wants to see me too. we texted alot today. we'll probably meet up on tues or wednesday. i'm really excited about it. she knows about my marriage, and it's current state (see below) and still wants to see me again.
  • today, kind of in a whimper, hubby and i separated. like, for real this time. i came home this weekend hoping that maybe i just needed some rough making out with a girl to be done with that and "come home" to him. instead, i found myself annoyed as he continued to want to talk about how we can work things out, and was still not attracted to him in the least. and he's attractive. i used to think so. now, i don't want to figure out what he needs from me for us to be better. i don't want to try to continue to endlessly try to explain to him what i need from him. i don't think i trust that we are capable of doing right by each other, just b/c of the people that we are, and i don't feel like i want to try anymore. and it doesn't have much to do with c., or anyone else, either. things with her might fall apart in a day, and i'll still need to not have to be with hubby right now. i don't want to. i've known this for a long time but it's terrifying and i haven't wanted to admit or really go through with it. but i did today. so we're separated. and it's so so sad. and feels like the right thing to do.

March 10, 2011--little ditty

well, that crashed and burned.

i saw her more than i have in awhile today. it was awkward and i didn't like it and i ended the day singing the following little ditty to myself: "you are not friends, you are not friends, get on with your fucking life!" something like that, i can't remember exactly now, but it was catchy.

i also left work angry. she is completely cold to me now. i need to stop trying! i ended up telling her about my plans to go to our shared fave restaurant for happy hour. she said "why are you going there?" i said "b/c i like it and i haven't been there in awhile." she said "uuuuh, i don't know, i'm so tired....i'll think about it." which of course meant she would not speak to me for the rest of the day. okay. i get it. i should get it, anyway. i need to take the fucking hint. it's over. we are NOT FRIENDS. i really need to fucking accept this, she's telling me, extremely passive aggressively, loud and fucking clear.

she's ignored more texts, ignored more attempts to connect. when i told her about happy hour i said it would be a nice chance to catch up, and she says, as she has been saying so much recently, "oh, there's nothing to talk about, nothing's going on with me." bull shit. i know it's bullshit. she went out to lunch with lesbian j. today, deciding not to come to the weekly staff wide lunch. she started coming to the lunch when we were talking more. now she doesn't. it hurts so much. such a pile of shit.

ugh, now i'm annoyed. i give up. i'm going to try to make it to yoga tomorrow. stretch some of this tension and anger and confusion out of my body. i wonder if they have a 5-hour yoga class i can take? i'm gonna need at least that long....

March 9, 2011--the space between

i am very much in between many things right now. it's beginning to feel like an okay place to be, though. that's progress.

i feel in between with hubby. i don't know what i want our relationship to be. this is hard for both of us, me not knowing. but i can't pretend that i know. i don't.

i feel in between with my coworkers...but that whole drama is for a different space. moving on.

i feel incredibly in-between with 10.0. "in between" doesn't even cut it. i feel completely and utterly confused and lost when it comes to her. i get flashes of our interactions early on, so fun, light, close, caring, and then i think of now, when she ignores my texts, doesn't stop by to talk, doesn't have time for me to stop by for her. there wasn't time before either. that's not new. so what's changed? who am i to her? why did she early on come by completely unprovoked to give me a hug, but now ignores my messages and seems to have no time to continue our friendship? and i go between the "we are not friends" mantra and wanting to invite her to join me for happy hour tomorrow. what's in between those two extremes? nothing? acquaintances? being acquaintances with her is like being invisible. every one is her acquaintance. i don't want to be that. i wasn't that before. i was nothing, and then we were close. no in-between. what is happening there?? i am so baffled. so do i tell her i'm going to happy hour at one of my, and her, favorite bars? do i mention it in passing, but not go out of my way to tell her? do i tell her that i might be there alone? do i not tell her at all? but then, what if she might come? would that be good? horrible? why would she come, though? maybe she wants to come? maybe she's confused and nervous about where she stands with me, too? how will i ever know??!? is this all in my fucking head??

and this is why i should just be staying away from her.

but i can't. i caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan't. she is a flame that i can't fly away from. so intriguing, so enticing, and i so desperately want to know how she feels to the touch.

the in-between is a very confusing place to be.

March 2, 2011--exhausting

one of my client's just said to me in session, "liking somebody is exhausting."

i agree. i agree.

still no word from her, and i'm trying to sit with it and let it be. i removed her name from my fb text alerts, so i will no longer know the second she updates her status. (yeah....i had done that. i know...sad.) it felt liberating to take her name of the short, short list of people whose statuses i see immediately. a bit freeing. she is not on the list.

i've also been repeating to myself, "we are not friends" along with some deep slow breaths. i know this sounds dramatic and mopey and angsty, but it helps me to be at peace, somehow. it hurts a lot less when she ignores me if i remember that we are not friends. much of the sting is taken away with that thought. we are not friends. ok.

i was just on fb for a second, the first time today, and saw that she was online. though she's across the country, my heart tugged, and i lingered for a moment to see if she might say something to me. but i didn't wait long. then i closed the window.

we are not friends.

*deep breath*

ok....

March 1, 2011--what is my PROBLEM!?

(Note from the future: Blergh. This one's pathetic. Ah, well, c'est la vie.)

a lot happened today. alot of crazy, confusing stuff that has little to do with 10.0 or hubby that i don't really feel like writing about right now.

i basically just need to document that i barely talked to 10.0 today, but she came to an event i had to throw for work, which was really nice of her, but also made me extremely nervous. we shared some long looks, i think i looked pretty today (a rarity lately) so at least there's that, but we pretty much stayed away from each other. i chatted with her a little, but not nearly as much as i'd like, and also not about what i'd like (i.e. i love you, let's run away together.) anyway, later, once i got back to the office, i popped in kind of mope-ily to ask her how she thought it went, not exactly an ideal use of my limited time with her, but it's what came out. she gave me reassurance that it was fine (i realize now i didn't even thank her for coming, ugh.) and then when i asked how she was she said that she was really busy (always) and i took the hint and said, "okay, sorry, bye!" and breezed away. always always breezing away.

so then, drama happened with one of my colleagues and myself (a post for another day, maybe) and i was busy talking and arguing and processing and blahblahblah until almost 6 and of course missed her. and she's going out of town for the rest of the week, which i am of course extremely aware of and ambivalent about. so i of course texted her the following: "hey pretty lady :o) hope you have a fantastic, safe trip!" and then some city-specific stuff about the place she's going. and i sent it.

what. the. fuck. was. i. thinking.

whhhhhhhy did i call her "pretty lady"? i know why, because i'm stupid and a glutton for punishment. she of course did not text me back. of course she didn't. and so now i'm all anxious and second, third, 45th-guessing myself because i should not have sent that freakin' text. and she checked in at the bar she works at earlier tonight, via her phone, so of course she saw it. awesome.

i'm with stoopid.

February 28, 2011--Confused

Woke up feeling so confused. spent the weekend with hubby, enjoying the comfort of the familiar, and it's so nice to be around someone who loves you, but I don't want to have sex with him, don't want him touching me, it feels annoying more than anything else, and to make things worse, I dreamed about her all night. And not even a sex dream! We were at a party at her parents house, and spent the whole party in a slow dance of flirting and looking and touching in ways that could be perceived as innocent but were highly sexual. And ss was at the party, completely unaware that her girlfriend was in a sexually charged dance with me for hours under her nose. At the end of the dream, 10 says something to me like ' couldn't you be dating your husband AND someone else? Like me? Or maybe just me?' I nod at her and smile, we both look longingly into each others eyes, I reach out my hand with my pinky extended, she hooks her pinky in mine, I feel extremely happy and lucky, and then I wake up.
The fact that i'm still dreaming about her like this is not helpful in the least. Because I've been thinking about it, and she was so flirty with me before, so responsive, and now seems to be pretty much ignoring me, rebuffing me, giving me the cold shoulder. In various ways. She ignored various texts, fb comments, etc. she completely ignored an email I sent to a select few fb friends asking for help with my move. We've both been on fb at the same time many times in the past few weeks and she no longer ever initiates talking to me. So, why?
I figure she either realizes i'm in love with her and is creeped out by it, realizes i'm in love with her and is excited about it but trying to keep from doing anything inappropriate, has no clue that i'm in love with her and is really busy and has no time for flirty friendship with me right now, knows i'm in love with her and is fine with it but has no time to flirt with me right now, or...i don't know what else.
------------------------------------
edit: it seems like maybe it's one of the last 2. i happened to talk to her earlier today, though after writing the first part of this post, and she actually seemed happy to see me. she said, without me saying anything, that she'd seen my text to her and my fb chat to her, but just didn't have time to respond, b/c she's churning out the last of her applications. she said that after this, she'll be back to being a normal person and we can catch up. without me even saying anything, she said this. it felt really great. and we chatted a little on fb today. vaginas were mentioned, in reference to lady gaga's "born this way" video. and then i didn't see her much. sad. but at some point today i got the sense that maybe we make each other nervous, as opposed to me just losing all my shit completely when she's around. though, maybe i make her nervous because i'm in love with her and probably awful at hiding it.

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.