Wednesday, March 28, 2012


I'll write about what happened with SM soon, I promise, but first I need to write about what happened with SC.  Which is...well, not a lot really, but...I'm having feelings. So...Yeah.

Alright, so I saw her for the first time in awhile on St. Patrick's day.  The first thing she said to me, when we met a group of friends for brunch, was "You look so pretty," as I hugged her hello.  This surprised me and confused me, and honestly annoyed me a little. Why would you say that to me, SC? Why? What good will that do, you know?

Anyway, for the rest of that day, I felt like we were drawn to each other in a way that, again, surprised me. Maybe it shouldn't have, but it did. I found myself really wanting to talk to her, wanting to catch up with her, and it felt like she wanted to, too.  We walked together from brunch to our first bar stop, and it felt nice, and almost comfortable. Again, surprising. We renewed our bond over our shared love of The Hunger Games, and even impulsively ordered matching HG-themed t-shirts, along with another friend of hers.  It was fun and relaxed and I felt really good about the whole thing, and sad when she called it a night early. But I wasn't overly stressed out or tense or anxious, and I didn't feel like I was buzzing and off-balance as a result of spending all that time with her. It was fine. Fun.

I say all of that in order to draw a stark contrast between St. Patrick's day and what just happened last night.

I saw her for...oh, maybe 20 minutes, and I couldn't wait to get away because it felt so hard to be around her and I was completely thrown off by how completely charmed I continue to be by her and how smitten I still am with her and it made me want to jump out of my skin.

As I walked back home with a friend of mine who'd come along as I went to pick up the afore-mentioned Hunger Games t-shirt, the only way I could describe to her how I felt was...


It was super weird.  Not necessarily bad, but not necessarily good.

My friend was giving me major side-eye as we walked home, apparently because she had never seen me so thrown off. "I've never seen you when you're around someone you like," she said.  And I said, "..." and felt annoyed. Annoyed that I was so unexpectedly affected by her. Annoyed that I was affected by her at all.  Annoyed at how beautiful she looked, even in her sweats. Annoyed that I care.

So yeah. That happened.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Really funny. (Shouldn't be funny.)

The following is a text conversation I just had with SM, after not speaking with her since March 11.

Me: Randomly found your undies today. Let me know if you want me to mail them to you, stranger!

SM: hahah, totally forgot about those! are you?

Me: Yeah, it was awhile ago! I'm good...

SM:  I dunno what you're up to this weekend...wanna try to get together and catch up?

Me: Hmmm...yeah, sure, um...maybe Sunday? Or friday.

SM: You sound pissed or there something you want to say? I don't wanna hang out if you're gonna be pissed at me

Me:  ??? do I sound pissed? Come on, {name}, really?

SM:  I don't know! You throw me off with all those dots! This is why texting drives me crazy...forget I said anything...anyway, Friday?

Me: know I text like I talk!  But why do you think I should be pissed at you??

SM: I thought you might be because I haven't been around lately

Me: Ah...well, I assume you have your reasons! So Friday can work, wanna come over for dinner/drinking? I have {dog}, so would like to stay in

SM:  K sounds good!

SM: Talk to u Friday...Night!


Can you, dear readers, please tell me what your reactions are to this exchange? I'm really just finding the whole thing...ridiculous. Laughable. Pathetic. (The pathetic part is that I started the whole interaction.AND AM MAKING PLANS TO SEE HER ON FRIDAY.)

Le sigh.

Please, please feel free to offer your two cents in the comments! I need some input here!!!

Tuesday, March 20, 2012


Yesterday I signed the papers that dramatically move forward the process of divorcing my husband.

I cried.


Believe me, this was surprising to me, too.  And yet, there I was, handing the papers to my soon-to-be ex-husband, and getting teary.  We looked at each other, and were sad, and shared a hug.

Even though it's the absolute right thing, and I made the absolute right decision to leave that marriage, it's still so sad, really.  I've known him for a third of my life. We grew up, in many ways, together. And we'll still interact often (we share custody of our dog), and we say we'll try to be friends in the future this time next year, we will both officially be single, divorced (young) people.  It feels....heavy.  Major.



<insert other appropriate adjective here>

I really do feel both relieved that this is almost, officially, done, and also heartbroken that it's really almost, officially, done.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

February 24, etc--Masochist, I am a

Started writing this awhile ago and never finished it, oops.  But tonight I'm a little drunk and have other stuff to catch you guys up on now, woohoo! So, I want to get this one out there, as it is both important to document and annoying and I want to move the fuck on from it. Enjoy.


Ugh ugh ugh.

I hadn't seen SM since valentine's day. This was actually mostly okay with me, as I've been tired and busy and have pretty much only wanted to go to bed every day.


But then tonight i met a bunch of pp for karaoke. It was intentionally super lowkey and not the type of thing you had to come to or anything. No special occasion, no nothing. I just wanted to sing, so i went to a karaoke place. And i invited people to come if they wanted. Ok.

So, SM was always very interested in this activity and very interested in coming. Okay, cool, great. So she says she's coming. Then she comes 3 hours late. Why? Unclear. She was cagey. I think she talked to her mom? I don't know why else.

She looked pretty.

So she shows up, i immediately feel worried and guilty that she's being subjected to my absurd, loud, very intensely karaoke-loving (lovely) friends, and...yeah. so she talks to my bff a bit, i continue to sing my little heart out, and eventually she says, "i think i'm gonna go..."

I immediately feel myself getting hot and flushed, a sure sign that my subconscious mind can feel something messed up about to happen. And happen it does.

“Oh, okay, so you wanna go soon? We just have a few more songs coming, then i'm good..." I say. "Well, i don't want to take you away from your friends...but i'm just so tired, i think i'm just gonna go," she says.

I'm surprised, a bit stunned, starting to feel hurt, rejected, confused. The usual.

"O....kay?" I say, not able to completely hide my confusion.

"Yeah, I'm just...really tired..."

"Okay, well....we can totally just go home and go to bed, I mean, we do that sometimes, that's totally fine...." I say. I say this not because I pretentiously assume that she wants to go home with me, but because there have been maybe TWO times that we have met up and not gone home together. Two. Okay, maybe 3.

Anyway, she says, "No, I think I'm just gonna go now." Because I can't handle how passive and vague she's being, I have to ask her, "Are you saying you want to go home? Or you want to go home alone?"

She hems and haws and eventually mumbles, "Yeah, that's what I said, I want to sleep in my bed by myself, blah blah blah." So I tell her, "Okay! That's totally fine!" smile sweetly and take deep breaths, and she leaves.

It wasn't totally fine. It was weird and ridiculous the way that she "handled" the situation. In that she didn't really handle it at all and after not seeing her for almost 2 weeks she showed up, acted weird, and then wanted to flee. It felt like she didn't want to see me, after all that time, and after we'd been getting so close. What the hell?

About 15 minutes later, as I'm rehashing what had happened with her with the table, she comes back in. She'd left her bag on the floor between our seats. She sheepishly says "You got me so flustered that I forgot my bag!" I hand it to her, she leaves again. I GOT HER SO FLUSTERED?? Is she fucking kidding me? Honestly.
The next day, as I'm lying face down on my best friend's couch bemoaning how annoying SM is and how I don't understand how I keep getting myself entangled with her like this, she texts me. "I'm sorry about last night."


We then have a long-pause filled text conversation where I say something like "It's fine to want/need nights to yourself, you could have just said that, and it's confusing when you don't tell me what's going on with you." She says "There wasn't anything else to tell, I was just tired. I thought about not coming, but I didn't want to disappoint you." I say "I'm a big girl, you could have just told me." She says "Okay, I'll talk to you later."


A few days later I decide to just fucking acknowledge that she's pulled away and that I've noticed it.  So I gchat her "Hey, not sure when I'll see you again, so I just wanted to acknowledge that you seem to have majorly pulled back since Valentine's Day, and I just wanted to ask you what's up and find out where you're at with...whatever's going on with us."

She immediately responds that she did pull back and she's sorry and it was unintentional, she's just been really busy with school and guesses she needed some space. I say Okay.  A few days later she asks me if I want to do something that weekend. But I'm already booked, and tell her so. And I felt angry as I talked to her. Then I didn't talk to her for another week. Then I'm reminded on Facebook that she's heading on her Spring Break trip, which she talked to me about planning months ago. So I text her that I hope she has fun on her trip. She then texts back "Thanks! See you when I get back :) "

Um. A bit presumptuous, no?

Honestly, I am soooooooooooo done with her.

Except that other than these cyclical shenanigans, I like her. And she has amazing breasts.

Wow. So gay. Oh, and also, did I mention...masochistic?


mas·och·ist [mas-uh-kist] noun
1. a person who is gratified by pain, degradation, etc., that is self-imposed or imposed by others.
2. a  2. a person who finds pleasure in self-denial, submissiveness, etc.