I'm (well, the New Lesbian Podcast) is back!

Hello lovelies!

Well. It's been a minute. Life has finally settled down enough (i.e. I have achieved the Major Career Goals I've been working toward for the past 10 years) and I have enough distance from my breakup with Elle (we're still close friends, btw, and I'm sure I'll have lots to say about that, and how very lesbian it all is, in another post later) to finally finish editing an episode of the podcast that we recorded almost a year ago, with some of our lovely friends. It's called "Queer Round Table" and it's a great episode, full of a lot of interesting topics, and a lot of laughs, and a lot of crickets (we were outside, in the woods).

So, you can search for the New Lesbian Podcast on iTunes or whatever podcast listener you use (though it might take a day for the new episode to show up) OR you can listen in the player below, OR you can click the link below to listen on the podcast website, where you can also find every single episode of the show, since they eventually disappear from the iTunes feed.

New Lesbian Podcast website



I'm also working on answering all of the email questions I've gotten this past year, so stay tuned! I haven't forgotten you guys, so watch this space and the podcast for that.

So, in other words, I'm back!

xx

Follow @edie_wyatt

Can't not.

Well. I finally NEED to write.

Why, you may wonder?

This weekend I'm packing up all of my stuff and moving it out of Elle's apartment.

Elle's apartment.

Not ours, anymore.

Was it ever?

I don't live there anymore. I haven't for awhile and it's better that I don't. Of course.

But.

The fact that this is what my weekend will be, that this weekend I will be packing my self out of that space where so much happened, where so much was gained, and lost, has rattled me. I feel awful. Depressed. I think I'm dehydrated. I feel fuzzy and sad and anxious and lonely and also ready for it to just be done.

I feel out of sorts and like I don't understand what my life is. Why is this my life? How is this my life? I feel completely out of control and terrified. I also know that I did the best I could (whatever that means, whatever that's worth). That this needs to happen. Needed to happen. I know all of that.

I know that I have capital-g-capital-t Good Things happening, too. And I should be, and am, really fucking grateful for a lot of things, for what I have, even as I feel so utterly, helplessly unmoored. I am grateful.

But I'm mad. I'm mad that everything is so hard and that at the end of the day you always have to deal with your shit alone. No matter how much love you have, how many people are supporting you, how many things are good.

Still, at the end of the day only you can deal with your shit. Only you can lie in the bed you've made.

Unmade.

And it all hurts.

Even the good, right things hurt?

Ain't that a kick in the pants.

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Break.

I've been having a hard time figuring out how to write this post. It's weeks (months, really) overdue, but I just haven't known what to say. How much to say. How little.

Elle and I have broken up. I initiated the break up, and not in a way that I am proud of. I made mistakes in how I ended things, and thought the pain and hurt I've been silently enduring for many months would soften, if not justify, the way things ended. But of course, things don't happen that way. Of course not. 

So the way we broke up wasn't good. It was, in fact, bad. And I am to blame for that.

But, the reasons at the core of it all? Those have been there for a long time. We should have ended things sooner. We were both scared. Stubborn, maybe. I wanted it to work. I'm not a quitter. This is a problem that I very much need to work on. I saw ending the relationship as a failure on my part. As a negation of our time together, of the sacrifices and work that have gone into the past 3.5 years. 

That's not the right way to think about a relationship, and when it should end.

And yet, that's where I was. I wanted to wait it out. I KNOW that relationships are hard, take work, are not always wonderful and lovely and easy. But I think I forgot that they SHOULD always feel safe. Even when things are hard. Even when there is work to do.

I forgot that.

So things ended in a way that was born of feeling scared, trapped, avoidant, lonely, sad. Things should have ended differently, but the result is the same. We have broken up. I feel it is what we both needed.

Our timing was always off. We could never get in sync. That is heartbreaking to me, but it is so, so very true.

I want us both to be happy. I want us both to feel safe and held.

I hope we both find that.

Follow @edie_wyatt