I have to pay my first student loan payment next week. I cannot really afford this. I can not delay it. This sucks.
I have dedicated 9 years of my life to studying to be in a profession that is extremely masochistic and draining and uses up all of me some days. This sucks.
I answered my mother honestly about how I'm doing today, saying "drained from work and stressed because I'm broke." never do I answer her questions with so much candor. Her response "Be thankful you have a job." I should not be surprised by this response, and yet I am, and also feel slapped in the face. I don't know why I keep thinking that she will somehow become a person capable of mirroring, holding, providing emotional comfort. She is not that person. That sucks.
I'm grappling with the significance of the fact that I am not "the messy one" in my relationship. I'm the over-controlled one. I "don't mess up." Sometimes I think Elle is angry at me because of this. I am angry too that I am like this. I am constantly resentful that I am the organized, neat, planning one who has thought 7 steps ahead no matter how big or small the task or life event. I am resentful at myself for thinking that I need to be like this, and not being able to not be. Being this way is exhausting. I think I am this way because I don't want to have to deal with the feelings of loss or disappointment or heartache or loss of faith in humanity that might result if I'm not thinking 7 steps ahead and taking care of everything. I don't trust that anyone else will really take care of me if I don't, even if they want to. This sucks.
So, I guess there is a uniting thread in my thoughts today. Suck-age.
Great.
