Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Some thoughts, no thread

Life is fucking hard. For everyone. Some people think there's is the hardest, some people think they shouldn't complain. But no. It's hard. For all of us. This sucks.

I have to pay my first student loan payment next week. I cannot really afford this. I can not delay it. This sucks.

I have dedicated 9 years of my life to studying to be in a profession that is extremely masochistic and draining and uses up all of me some days. This sucks.

I answered my mother honestly about how I'm doing today, saying "drained from work and stressed because I'm broke." never do I answer her questions with so much candor. Her response "Be thankful you have a job." I should not be surprised by this response, and yet I am, and also feel slapped in the face.  I don't know why I keep thinking that she will somehow become a person capable of mirroring, holding, providing emotional comfort. She is not that person. That sucks.

I'm grappling with the significance of the fact that I am not "the messy one" in my relationship. I'm the over-controlled one. I "don't mess up." Sometimes I think Elle is angry at me because of this. I am angry too that I am like this. I am constantly resentful that I am the organized, neat, planning one who has thought 7 steps ahead no matter how big or small the task or life event. I am resentful at myself for thinking that I need to be like this, and not being able to not be.  Being this way is exhausting.  I think I am this way because I don't want to have to deal with the feelings of loss or disappointment or heartache or loss of faith in humanity that might result if I'm not thinking 7 steps ahead and taking care of everything. I don't trust that anyone else will really take care of me if I don't, even if they want to. This sucks.

So, I guess there is a uniting thread in my thoughts today. Suck-age.


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