HerShe Magazine Feature!

Hi lovelies,
I realized that some of you probably aren't on twitter (why not, though? Get movin'!) so you might not have seen that a piece I wrote on Femme Invisibility is being featured on the new online magazine, HerShe!

I'm very proud of it, and think the issue of Femme Invisibility is not talked about nearly enough, so please go check it out! If you've been around for awhile, it'll be a bit familiar, as I based it off of a longer post that's here on the blog.

Have any of you out there experienced anything similar around how if you're a gay lady and you're feminine, you can end up feeling very unseen? I actually think it's a significantly bigger problem in the NYC gay scene...thoughts?

Follow @edie_wyatt

Married, Divorced and Gay by 30--Sneak Peek!

Hi lovelies!
Below is a sneak peek of my memoir, coming soon. As you'll see, things were...quite different a few years ago.

xx

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Married, Divorced, and Gay by 30: A memoir

by Edie Wyatt

----------------------------

About me (then): Edie, 24, Straight, Engaged, Grad Student, Confused

About me (now): Edie, 30-something, Lesbian, Divorced, Partnered, Degree'd, Awake

This is the story--in my own raw, brutally honest, sometimes cringe-inducing words--of how I got from then to now: engaged, then single, then married, then divorced, then gay by 30 years of age. I'm quite the over-achiever.

From 2006-2012, from age 24 to 31, I blogged about my life. This is that story, my messy memoir.

Identifying information has been changed to protect the innocent (and guilty).

--------------------------------------------------------------

YEAR ONE

February 21

release

I have a blog, but people I know, and who think they know me, read it. That used to be exciting, but now it's restricting, and makes me feel that I can't actually say what I need to say. That's surprising, but not really, because it just proves what I already know. I care too much what people think of me. That blog is not for me. It's for everyone else. This will be for me.

In my life I show people something incomplete. Something that is inauthentic in many ways, in that it's nowhere close to being whole. Why can't I show people who I really am?

I've been in therapy for a few months now, and it's funny. When I started going I felt like I didn't really need to be there, but it turns out I do. I'm engaged to be married—to Andrew—and I don't know if I’m doing the right thing. It's terrifying to me, and every day is a different battle in my head. Should I stay? Should I go? Am I asking too much? Don't I deserve more than this?

I live with him and I’m finding out more and more every day that maybe he's not who I thought he was in a lot of ways. He is caring in many ways, but uncaring in others. He makes me feel stupid for caring about what he says to me. He makes me feel like I have to beg him to admit when he does something wrong. My therapist today insinuated that I’m dealing with a narcissistic personality. As a student of psychology I know what that means and it scares me. He is arrogant. If I say/prove something (because I have to prove it, I can't just say I feel something, that's never enough) about something he's done, his first, always his first response is to explain to me why my reaction is not correct. He will see that he has hurt me horribly, and he cannot apologize.

I have said to him before, "I don't know if I can do this, be with you" and you know what he says? Not "I want to make you happy, how can I make you happy", but "Maybe you shouldn't be with me, then". I realized today in therapy what that really means. It means that he thinks the problem is with me. Not with us, not with him at all. If he wasn't so arrogant, wouldn't he say "I’m sorry I’m hurting you, I’m sorry I’m making you unhappy, how can I make you happy, because I want us to be together"? He hasn't said that to me. How can I stay with someone who can't say that to me?

A few weeks ago, I flat out begged him to tell me what I was doing wrong. I tried to play into his hand, let him seem all powerful and right, so that maybe then he would talk to me, tell what we need to do to make this work. He laughed in my face and shook his head. He said that he wouldn't tell me anything because he shouldn't have to explain it to me. Never mind that I needed him to explain, never mind that my body was racked with sobs and I sat before him emotionally beaten. I sat there willing to admit defeat and he can't move past his thought that I shouldn't need what I need. There is no we. I do all the work, he doesn't want me to call him on anything. He wants to be able to be his repressed, arrogant, in-denial self, and wants me to orbit him and take his shit. I do not orbit...

...and yet I do. How can this be? How did I end up here?

What do I do????


March 7

symptoms

Things have been...different lately. I think I’m going through a mild depression. At least, I hope that's what it is, because otherwise there's something that I’m less willing to deal with going on. I haven't wanted to have sex in over two weeks, probably in three now. A few nights ago I actually dawdled while getting ready for bed, hoping that he'd fall asleep and I wouldn't have to actively deny him sex. It worked. I was glad.

But it's not just the lack of sex drive that's cluing me in, though that is a big one, because I never really knew how someone would know if they had a decreased interest in sex, but it really slaps you across the face and you can't miss it...but it's more than that. I've been having a hard time getting going, I've been late to most things, and silly things have made me so distraught, like my hair. There've been days when I almost wanted to abandon all of my obligations, just so that I wouldn't have to deal with doing my hair. And I haven't wanted to do any of my work. This is different for me, because even at the start of the semester, I was excited to learn and was really looking forward to throwing myself into my work. Now I just want to throw myself onto the couch and curl up with a good hour or 3 of bad TV.

But some things make me think it's not depression, but it's him. I went away this weekend, into the city for some "girl time", and I felt alive. I couldn't wait to leave for the city, and when I got home after the weekend I immediately felt a heavy weight settle over me again. But then sometimes I look at him and I know that he loves me and that deep down he would take care of me. Will take care of me. Why can't I just be happy with him? Sometimes I am, but it's like it never quite gets there. There's something just out of reach, that used to be there, but I can't get to anymore...I don't think this is what's supposed to happen. But the thing is, I do want it to be that way for us again. I want to be excited to see him, to talk with him--I want to have the energy to pull things out of him, instead of being disgusted that I have to and feeling like I'd rather not bother.

Even now I feel like I’m cheating, sitting here typing this after a day with no fights, no yelling, no tears. It was a normal day. I cooked him dinner, we watched a movie, we said goodnight.

Nothing horrible. Nothing "wrong". And yet I’m sitting up writing about whether or not I should be with him?? What diagnosis does that fall under? It makes me feel so bad...will I just not let myself be happy?? (See, it really does sound like depression now, doesn't it?)


April 3

crush

Yikes.

So things have been going much better with me and Andrew. We had the big talk and I've been seeing and feeling that he really understands that he can't act any kind of way and that he knows now that I won't always be there if he acts like a fool, so things have been much better. I signed the contract for our wedding venue last week, we sent in the deposit check, and I actually feel excited about the wedding most of the time. I even ordered my dress.

But...

I met someone. Danny. I met him actually over a month ago, at the bar where Mel works, and I could feel an attraction there from the beginning, but I didn't really think I would see him again, it was just silly flirtation and I thought there was nothing that would come of it, so it was okay that I thought this guy was really attractive and interesting. Right?

Wrong.

Because now I've seen him a few more times, all at Mel’s bar. She’s always been there when we've met up, but yesterday went to another level, and I’m feeling pretty nervous about what happened.

First, I went to meet up with Mel on Saturday night, pretty specifically to meet up with Danny and his friends. I dressed up more than I usually do, and Andrew even commented on the fact that I looked so "hot" and I never dress up for him like that (which I don't think is really true, but I was trying to look good that night, and not for him, so I guess I can't act completely innocent). Anyway, I was extremely excited to see them, and then they didn't show. We called them, texted them, nothing. They had promised they were coming to see us, and they didn't. I was really pissed.

So then, the next morning, we get a text from Danny, saying he's sorry and we should meet up later. Aaaahhh! So Mel and I went back into the city, and ended up meeting up with him, just him, at Central Park. It was great. Perfect. And I felt really guilty. I had told Andrew that I was staying late to talk Mel through boy trouble, and it was a complete lie. I was actually staying late to go frolic in a gorgeous day with a gorgeous guy who is everything Andrew isn't that I've always thought I wanted. What am I doing??

He was charming, nice, interesting, interested, and respectful, and all of those things make me want to jump him. I thought about him all night, waking and sleeping. I’m now trying to figure out how I can keep justifying leaving Andrew at home all weekend so that I never have to share this amazing hot guy with the person I’m supposed to be marrying. It sounds so horrible. I mean, it's not like I don't want to get married, but I want to be single a little bit first, and I feel like this would be my chance and I don't know how I'll be able to take it.

But I really want to take it.

Really.

-------------------------------------------------------

 

YEAR SIX



January 11

queer

For the past few days, I've been trying on for size thinking of myself as "queer."

The way that I think about the word is similar to this definition from Wikipedia (underlining by me for emphasis):

Because of the context in which it was reclaimed, queer has sociopolitical connotations, and is often preferred by those who are activists; by those who strongly reject traditional gender identities; by those who reject distinct sexual identities such as gay, lesbian, bisexual, and straight; and by those who see themselves as oppressed by the heteronormativity of the larger culture. In this usage it retains the historical connotation of "outside the bounds of normal society" and can be construed as "breaking the rules for sex and gender". It can be preferred because of its ambiguity, which allows "queer"-identifying people to avoid the sometimes strict boundaries that surround other labels. In this context, "queer" is not a synonym for LGBT as it creates a space for "queer" heterosexuals as well as "non-queer" homosexuals.

Yup. That sounds about right.

And then, really, I'm not quite sure that queer = me either. Really, I identify right now as "Jamie-loving" more than anything else.

And then, of course, there's the fact that I don't really need to define myself as anything, for anyone. But I also am feeling a need to define what's going on with me right now for me.

But I know what's going on right now. That mystery's been solved, my friends.

I met a woman who I am falling in love with.

The end.

-----------------

Read more of the story in my memoir, "Married, Divorced, and Gay by 30", coming soon!

Follow @edie_wyatt

Married, Divorced, and Gay by 30-my book (cover)!

It's my book cover, y'all!

I am so excited to finally share with all of you the final cover design for my memoir, "Married, Divorced, and Gay by 30".  It was designed by Kim Carmel, and I hope you like it!

Now begins the big push. I'm trying to work on the book every day, but I have to admit, I keep psyching myself out. Like, why the fuck will anyone care about my life, you know? But I know that it's a good story, part cautionary tale, part bat-shit crazy, part "omg how do I have sex with ladies?!" and part...well, happy ending, I guess :) So I'm gonna put it out there, and I'll let you lovelies be the judge. *wipes flop sweat from forehead*

I've put a teaser sampler up on Goodreads.com if you'd like a taste of the VERY different place my story starts than where this blog picked up.  If you like it, let me know by clicking "like" on Goodreads--that's how I'll know if you want MOAR TEASERS.

Thanks for your support you guys!

xx

Follow @edie_wyatt

on Sochi

I love the Olympics. I still have memories of staying up until 2 am as a kid, watching the primetime Olympic coverage to the very end almost every night, if I could get away with it. I love the stories, the drama, watching people who've spent their entire lives working toward Olympic gold triumphing or failing, and the beauty and humanity of the entire spectacle. 

I. Love. Me. Some. Olympics.

I'm feeling a bit unsure about them this year, though. As you probably know, Russia has a new anti-gay law that bans "propaganda of nontraditional sexual relations to minors" i.e. "distributing information among minors that 1) is aimed at the creating nontraditional sexual attitudes, 2) makes nontraditional sexual relations attractive, 3) equates the social value of traditional and nontraditional sexual relations, or 4) creates an interest in nontraditional sexual relations".   Breaking this law can result in hefty fines or jail time.  But in actuality, what this law has done is make it open season on gays in Russia. Hate crimes against gay people in Russia are rampant, are often perpetuated by Russian officials, and the perpetrators of these crimes are not being arrested or in any way disciplined. The gay people they are victimizing are considered the criminals. This, is, obviously, despicable.

Also, last month, another law was being proposed by Russian lawmaker Alexei  Zhuravlyov to strip parenting rights from gay parents who used to be in straight relationships. He says: "In case any parent openly propagates homosexuality and only in this case, if the family splits, a child should exclusively stay with a parent who has heterosexual way of life." I MEAN....What the fuck.

And yet, this place, Russia, where such enormous human rights violations are occurring, is hosting the world's biggest sporting event, where all nations are supposed to come together, put aside their differences, and bond over our shared humanity.

Something's not adding up.

Of course, many human rights groups, governments, and more recently, corporations, are denouncing Russia's laws and calling for a boycott of the Olympics. And a large part of me feels that that's the right thing to do. But what about all of the gay athletes? What are they supposed to do?? They've worked, some of them, their entire lives for the chance to compete in an Olympic Games--how could they just NOT GO??

A few months ago, Johnny Weir, an openly gay figure skater, addressed this question and explained why he feels that athletes, gay or straight, shouldn't boycott the games. Here he is on Keith Olbermann (wearing a Russian military uniform, BY THE WAY):

If you don't want to watch that (like if you happen to find Johnny Weir insufferable...I sometimes find him pompous, and sometimes find him wonderful...it's very confusing), basically he said that it would invalidate all of the sacrifices his family had made for him, and negate his entire life's work, for him to boycott the Olympics, and that this is true for every athlete. He also said that even if people/athletes do boycott the games, the games will still happen, and that not going would give the propaganda more strength. He's saying that, by going, by showing up, specifically as a gay athlete, he will be making a powerful statement. And I get that. But, that being said, Johnny Weir is not actually competing.  He didn't register for the qualifying competition that determined the Olympic team, which strikes me as....odd. If you've spent your whole life as an athlete, why would you not register to qualify for the Olympics???? He will be there though, doing commentary for NBC, but still...weird.

I digress. This post is not supposed to be about Johnny Weir, my bad.

So, my favorite reaction to Russia's terrible politics is that of President Obama, and his decision to send a US delegation with several openly-gay members to the Olympics (including Brian Boitano, who came out publicly as a gay man after being appointed to the delegation--love it), while no one from the president's or vice-president's families will attend. OH SNAP. Read more about this here and here .

Speaking of figure skating (it might be kind of obvious at this point that I really like figure skating?...I really like figure skating, not in small part because it is filled to the brim with gays and I love it), SNL did a great sketch about how things might go if the US tried to make sure that none of the male skaters could be perceived as gay.

Bleak.

The Canadian Institute of Diversity and Inclusion put out this great PSA about how the Olympics "have always been a little gay", which, I mean, OBVIOUSLY. It's just 30 seconds of 2 dudes getting ready to luge. Perfection.

So, with all of this said, I'm still going to watch the Olympics, and will probably watch a LOT of Olympics, and will still love seeing the human drama play out and will love seeing people achieve their dreams and will fiercely root for the underdog. But I'll watch it all with a since of...unease. Because a lot of wrong is happening in Sochi.

But this 

Norwegian Curling Team

will also happen in Sochi, and I am SO HERE FOR THAT.

What are your thoughts on all this? Talk to me, lovelies.

xx

Follow @edie_wyatt  

How does your garden grow?

Lately, Elle and I have been in a bit of a battle about vagina hair.



Yep. You read that right.

I prefer to keep myself completely clean shaven. This is a post-becoming-a-lesbian thing. In my life before, I was a bit… hairier, as if I wasn’t so concerned about how the dining was for my male paramours, and I guess I wasn't? I mean, I wasn’t unkempt but…what I’m trying to say is that there was quite a bit of (neatly groomed) hair down there and I never really thought much about it.

I realize now that a big reason for that is that the men I was with were never particularly interested in going down on me and I wasn’t sexually experienced enough to know that they should be, or sexually empowered enough to know that I wanted them to be, yes please very much thank you.

So, there really wasn’t all that much thought going into the…place setting, if you will.

But then. Then I started going down on women and, well, I started paying a lot more attention to the set dressing.  I experienced some variety in my early exploits, ranging from nothing at all to “bust out the weed whacker.” I also became very aware that someone else’s face was going to be all up in my business (if all went according to plan), and you know how there’s that saying that women (regardless of sexuality, in my opinion) dress for other women? Well, I definitely dress my vagina for other women. When men were involved, I barely thought about it, but once a lady was going to be seeing my sacred garden? I cared.

And so I started grooming more, but was a bit scared at first to actually shave everything off. That just seemed…risky. I mean, one false move and—yikes, you know?  And I was not about to go get waxed. Mainly because I was broke, but also mainly because I am just not that much of a masochist.  But then, one of my hairless lady friends, who I assumed waxed, informed me that she just shaved all the hair away, and that it really wasn’t so hard to do! Realllyyyyyyyy????? I said.

And the heavens opened.

From that point on, I’ve kept things pretty clean down below, and I love it. I think everything feels better when there’s nothing in the way of all of that delicious friction, and I also just like that my girlfriend won’t have my pubes in her mouth. So, there’s that.

But here’s the thing? Elle likes me to leave a bit of a landing strip, at minimum. *EPIC SIGH* So a few months ago, I grew things out quite a bit for her, much to my chagrin. I was not having it, y'all. She loved it, of course.  And then I found a gray hair down there and that was the end of that. LOL SOB NEVER AGAIN.  Now, though I would much rather be completely hairless, I do still leave a landing strip, because that’s what she likes and I aim to please.

So then, of course, there’s the question of what I prefer on her? And this might sound lame, but it’s really true: I do not give a shit, as long as I can get my face down there.

Well, I guess that’s not entirely true, I’m not into the entirely untamed look (or feel), but literally anything short of bushwhacker territory is A-OK in my book.

So what about you, lovelies? How do you prefer to dine? What do you prefer for yourself?  Comment away, let’s talk about vagina hair!

xx

Follow @edie_wyatt

PUT IT ON YOUR FACE: Urban Decay NAKED Palette

Hello lovelies!!

So. This is obviously not a beauty blog. Obviously. But still, as I’ve gotten back into makeup lately, there are some things I’m really wanting to gush about. And, luckily, this is my blog, so I can do whatever the fuck I want! And…who knows, I might post about something that you'll wanna try and then realize you love too. Fantastic. These might happen once a week, maybe less often…who knows. Let’s dive in, shall we?

Please meet the love of my life (sorry, babe):

Isn’t she beautiful?

I realize I’m way behind with discovering the joys of the Naked Palette, since the Naked 3 palette just came out, but you know what? Whatever. There's something to be said for appreciating the classics.

I was lucky enough to be gifted this by my boo for Christmas, and I have literally not worn any other eyeshadows since. I have worn some combination of these every single day. It is THAT GOOD. These colors look great on my dark skin tone, there are options for day looks or evening looks, and more importantly, this palette is perfect for an amateur who is still figuring out how to wear eyeshadow without looking like a clown. You can pretty much try any combination and still look good. It's magical. I dig it.

My favorite colors right now are Smog and Gunmetal (the 7th and last colors in the pic above). But they’re all gorgeous. It can feel a little overwhelming to have so many colors to play with, though it is also glorious, and I found some handy YouTube videos that held my hand at the beginning. If you have or get Naked (ooh, sexy) and feel overwhelmed by all of the gorgeous possibilities, some of the videos below might help. Some of these may seem a bit complicated, but I really just used them to help me figure out which colors to put where. I have yet to wear an eye makeup look as heavy as any of these (and never wear the primer that comes with the palette, which makes the color pop alot more), but they're a great jumping off point. Be brave and try the color combos regardless of your skin tone! They will likely look great regardless.














Honestly, though, each color looks pretty great on its own. They all have quite a bit of depth, so even if you just sweep one color over your lid, with the right brush, you’ll be good to go. One day I just wore Smog, blended well, and Elle thought I had 3 different shades on. Sorcery, I tell you.

I love this thing so much. If you’ve ever been considering whether or not to get it, or if you’re trying to dive into wearing eye makeup, just do it. If you hate it, come bitch at me about it. I expect to hear from exactly zero of you. :)

(And no, I am in no way affiliated with Urban Decay, and this is not a sponsored post! I’m just a huge, newly devoted fan.)

xx

Follow @edie_wyatt

Resolutions (and...a poll!)

Hi lovelies!

I'm excited about this new year, especially because this year is the year that I will self-publish my book! I'm really excited to share my whole story with all of you. As much as you know about my journey already from following my blog, there's SO MUCH MORE that happened before where this blog picked up, it's pretty cray and fairly hilarious when it's not, well...tragic. But then it gets less tragic! Can't wait for you all to read it.

I've started working on the book cover design, and am resolving to write/edit regularly so that I can GET IT DONE. As much as I want to do it, it's also a pretty daunting task. I mean, what the fuck do I know about publishing a book? Nothing, that's what. So it's a learning process, and a slow one, but I will do it, and I will do it THIS YEAR!

Get pumped.

I also want to write more here this year. To be honest, I've been feeling confused and conflicted about how to use this blog lately. It started out as my place to angst about the confusing mess my life was in, but very thankfully things aren't NEARLY so confusing or messy anymore, so there's much less angst-ing to be done, but...I still want to write and share and dialogue with you guys.  I of course have more to say about my experiences as a new lesbian, but I'm wondering...what else would you want to read? Here are some ideas I have:

• My opinions on various LGBTQ goings on, politically speaking

• A "book club" of sorts: I'm reading constantly, and always have plenty to say about the books I read--I'm thinking maybe a "I've read this! Have you? You should! Now let's talk about it!" kind of thing

• Beauty picks--as some of you know, I've been embracing my femme-y, make-up loving side lately, and have lots to say about the stuff I'm loving/using/drooling over, but obviously this is NOT a beauty blog. Wondering if people want to read about this stuff?

• Q&A/Advice-this one would depend totally on you guys, of course, but I would love to answer people's questions about relationships/dating stuff/coming out/identity stuff, since I've been through so much of it myself, and provide a space (in the comments) where you can talk to each other!

So, does anyone want to read any of that? Leave your thoughts in the comments, please and thank you!

(If no one does, and I'm left to my own devices, I might just start writing about whatever I happen to be thinking about every day.  Fair warning, what I think about every day is One Direction, how cute my girlfriend is, what I want to be eating right now, and Harry Styles, so...you've been warned)

xx

Follow @edie_wyatt